Like, How Did You Lose All That Weight??

My friends on facebook always ask what my secret to weight-loss is, and I know they expect a magic cure that involves no change in eating habits and zero exercise. Welp, they're crazy. Lol. I posted a blog to explain to them exactly what I did so they'll stop asking. It's actually a big joke, but hopefully they'll get the point :laugh:

Here it is:

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I've lost 60 pounds. You know that. I say it all the freaking time on facebook & ****. I mean, can I get any more ****ing annoying?? It's like, "we get it, Paula! You lost weight; it's not like you're the only one who's ever done it. Get over your self!"

And don't even get me started on my status updates about exercise:

-"I totes just ran 1000 miles in 10 minutes! I rock and I'm so much better than you!"
-"I just finished 7 hours of circuit training and it was so hard but you can't do even 1 minute so I'm much healthier and cooler than you are according to society."

Ugh. I'm such a show-off. Hands up if you think I should like, disappear off the face of the earth & stuff *raises hand*

But like, you're also curious as to how I did it. I mean, you hate me and everything, but I mean, if fat slob Paula could lose weight, then anyone can. So just what did Paula do?

Well counting calories and exercise works & all, but that's not what I did. I actually did something a bit controversial, but I mean it worked. First of all, I diiiid start exercising. But it wasn't actual exercise like running or sleeping. I simply did kegel exercises. "Tighten. Aaaaaand release. Tighten...aaaaand release." I just did that for like 3 hours non stop. Trust me, it's a TOTAL BODY WORKOUT if you know what I mean!

Also, I did have to change my diet. For breakfast and lunch I switched my meals from regular food to dog food. At first it's hard to get used to the taste, but eventually you can eat it without having to plug your nose. Just eat it like cereal with a bit of soy milk and banana. For snacks I had dog treats like jerky and bone-shaped cookies. Then for dinner I really treated myself: I'd have a Caesar gourmet dog meal. Pop it in the microwave for 30 seconds and it's like the best meatloaf ever!

The only thing that sucks is when I'm eating and my dog Mazie gets pissed 'cause I'm using her bowl & stuff. It's like, helloooo, sharing is caring biotch!


So that's pretty much it. There's no magic tricks or anything like that. I mean, it was pretty easy, and like, it's cool to be skinny & ****. ----