Not the favorite child

woou · December 2011

Has anyone dealt with not being the favorite child or having to shoulder more responsibility in the family?

At 18, I started helping my family with the bills while working and going to school full-time. At 18, my brother does none of those things. He's now 20. Yet, I get called selfish for not wanting to get a new laptop for him for Christmas. I told her I was going to give him $100, and that's it. The laptop is really not within my budget which led to the argument of me being selfish, etc. Seriously, I've already cut grocery spending to $20/wk. I'm saving up money for school, so I can earn more money and help the family. When my aunt bought me a new laptop (because the hinges on mine broke, and I was using books to prop the screen up), I gave it to my mom to use and continued to use my old broken one, which I bought myself.

I caught the bus as an undergrad. He cried for a car and got one, which I contributed 5k to. I'm just feeling very underappreciated and am at the point where enough is enough. I'm not really jealous of him. I do my best to help out, but getting called selfish while doing the best I can really ticks me off. My mom apparently thinks I'm withholding money. Again, I'm living on $20/wk of food. Thank goodness for Asian markets in my area and couponing.

Anyone experience something like this personally? What did you do?

capriciousmoon · December 2011

I've seen cases of parents having a favorite child, but never going that far. If he gets everything he wants so easily how is he ever going to want to do anything for himself? Unless your parents plan on living forever...

What you get him for Christmas and what you do with your money is up to you. I wouldn't fault you for not buying him the laptop even if you had $1000 in your bank account right now.

WifeNMama · December 2011

Wow. That's harsh. I suggest disentangling your finances from your family. You are not your brother's parent. While it's noble that you want to help out, you could just be enabling your brother to continue his juvenile lifestyle. He needs to learn how to take care of himself, and so does your mother. I think its time to tell her that you've loaned her your laptop long enough, and you need it for school. It is not up to your mother to decide what you will give as a gift, or even IF you will be able to give one.

I've been on the receiving end of family's help when we needed it, but I was not expecting or asking them to. I've learned to thank them graciously and try to pay it forward as I am able. Maybe when you are in a financially stable position after school, you could pick up helping where help is actually needed. If for now you decide to start saying No, you are not obligated to tell them in detail about your finances, just that you don't have room in your very frugal budget for it.

Sorry you are in such an awkward position. Try to be assertive, and remember whether you are able to give people money is not an indication of your love or care or concern for them. :-)

sarahp86 · December 2011

It's awkward because we don't know your relationship with your family but I would put my foot down! It's your hard earned cash. I'm sorry but you need to stand up for yourself because clearly no one else in your family will!!

Saruman_w · December 2011

Hmm, that's pretty messed up. Glad my parents never played favorites. He's being spoiled far too much, and that is not going to have good effects once he's on his own. If I were you I'd tell the folks to quit doing that or else he'll never know the meaning of hard work.

Apryl546 · December 2011

I'd stop helping your family with anything besides rent (if you live with them) from now on if I were in your footsteps. Your brother is old enough to get things on his own, he doesn't need his sister to give him shiit anymore.

I'd say quit being a pushover, but I am a little harsh so just ignore me.

Carfoodel · December 2011

I am a middly child - my mum openly told my sis & I that my brother was more special to her and my little sis was the apple of my dad's eye she could get away with murder - it is very frustrating and I eventuallly managed to move out but I will say that because of that (and other more personal reasons) it's actually made me a stronger person and (I think) a much better mum myself.

I have very little contact with my parents - not suggesting you cut all ties for a minute - my situation had more to it - but moving out did help me a lot.

christine24t · December 2011

are you from a different culture other than american? i'm just curious.

i'm also curious as to why YOU gave your brother 5k for a car. It's not your responsibility to buy him a car or a computer. You are not his parent. I would never buy anyone a computer as a gift, or give them 5k.

You clearly need to distance yourself from your family. As hard as it may be, you shouldn't be supporting your parents or brother. You are an adult.

crochelle17 · December 2011

growing up i was not the favorite.. i was the oldest so if my sis did anything wrong it was my fault cuz i must have told her to do it or i wasnt being a good example..

fast forward a few years, the truth has come out about her and now the ones who thought she was such an angel have realized in a harsh way that shes not, so friends/family have actually apologized for how they treated me for all those years.

the best advice is to distance yourself as much as you can from the family, family is supposed to support you and raise you up and if they cant do that, then cut ties... its hard ive done it but it did work for me

tho it did take quite a few years..

laughingnome · December 2011

I was far from the favorite but when it came to life saving situations I was called in to take charge. I am the youngest and still control the family.. kinda funny

trazrene · December 2011

As a child, all I wanted was to hear my father tell me he loved me. My brother was the pet and it was announced to all. The unjust equality was appalling. I came to the point early on, that I didn't need or want approval from anyone in my life. I left home as soon as I graduated from HS and never went back. At 27, I found out that the man that I called "Dad" might not be my biological father and that was why he withheld his love - purposely. I thought about getting our DNA done, but what would that prove? I do have contact with some of my family now. Regardless of the hurt and pain I went thru' as a child, I believe I am as strong as I am today because of it. Everyday I make sure my children know that I love them.
You've been emotional and financially used. Would it do any good to stand up for yourself? Maybe - Maybe not. That's a decision/fight only you can make. There's nothing you can do to change the past, but you can break the cycle with your own children.

_JamieB_ · December 2011

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middle child, so yep

ashleighjoy2007 · December 2011

First off I'm very sorry, I know it must be painful to be in your situation.

I know its hard, but pull the rug out from under them. You should not be taking care of them or supporting them. Financially, unless you live with them they should expect nothing from you fiancially. (If you live there, then your portion of rent of course.)

This is just ridiculous though, if they don't appreciate what you do for them, why do it? You work hard for your money. If at all possible, take a break from your family and work on you. Use YOUR laptop for YOUR school or work, use YOUR money for YOUR needs and savings. You shouldn't have their back financially if they don't have yours.

Take a break and let them see what "selfish" is. You need to stop being so SELFLESS, put yourself first. They need to learn to take care of themselves.

Not the favorite child

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