So your ex that you dated for 10 months

_beachgirl_
_beachgirl_ Posts: 3,865 Member
edited October 6 in Chit-Chat
asks (demands) that you send back everything he (or she) ever bought you even Christmas presents for your kids, what do you do?
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Replies

  • EMc4452
    EMc4452 Posts: 187 Member
    Give him the stuff back and get him out of your life.
  • yager8725
    yager8725 Posts: 267 Member
    ignor, unless item is expesive like jewlery.
  • dez_yaoichan
    dez_yaoichan Posts: 454
    send him(her) a pic of the kids playing with all of them with a nice little "merry x-mas" at the bottom :laugh:
  • CoraGregoryCPA
    CoraGregoryCPA Posts: 1,087 Member
    Nothing.. they were gifts. He/she cannot ask for them back.

    I watch people's court all the time (lol).. a gift is a gift, unless it was under condition to marry, like an engagement ring. If you accepted the ring with agreeing to marry and then there is a break up, the person who gave the ring can get it back.
  • datguy2011
    datguy2011 Posts: 477 Member
    Tell him to take a hike... mutual gifts always remain in the relationship... if you loved the person at the time enough to give them something... that always over powers the "that's my stuff" line. But... how coward is it that they want stuff from the kids back? lol... what the hell is wrong with that person?
  • mmuzzatti
    mmuzzatti Posts: 704 Member
    Ignore it!
  • 1horsetown
    1horsetown Posts: 247 Member
    Be eternally grateful he's an ex and choose more wisely next time.

    They were gifts given without strings attached. They are your's. That said...if they were heirlooms of his family he was dumb enough to give away, give them back to his mother.
  • spitfire1962
    spitfire1962 Posts: 347 Member
    What a loser! Do you think that he may have wanted to recycle the gifts to someone else? Just ignore him and block his number.
  • asyouseefit
    asyouseefit Posts: 1,265 Member
    Ignore him.
  • MercenaryNoetic26
    MercenaryNoetic26 Posts: 2,747 Member
    You give the finger and say you'll press harassment charges if it doesn't stop. Be hardcore about it!
  • sjtreely
    sjtreely Posts: 1,014 Member
    My first reaction was, "WTH?"

    Then I thought, "Depends on if I wanted the stuff."

    Then I realized ... 10 months?? How much stuff could it have been?

    It's kind of jerky to ask for stuff back. A gift is a gift. So that tells me, something ain't right with this guy. Especially the word "demand." You might really want to cut all ties. But if he's truly not right, his demands will continue.

    Is it possible to box it all up and send it C.O.D.? Ok, that wouldn't be very wise if he is off kilter.

    I don't know his personality well enough to know if your life would be better if you followed his demands or if you just ignored him.

    My vote is for whatever makes your life and the life of your children better.
  • ajbeans
    ajbeans Posts: 2,857 Member
    Nope. It was a gift, not a loan. You don't have to give them back.
  • rossi02
    rossi02 Posts: 549 Member
    I would send back the items he gave you.. will the kids notice if you give back their things? It sounds like this guy is using this as an excuse to stay in touch with you. I would do anything to cut all ties. If the kids would notice, I would just send him what he gave you and money to cover their things. Don't engage him in conversation over it, just send it and ignore all futher conversation.
  • floshideaway
    floshideaway Posts: 101 Member
    If he/she stoop low enough to ask for that it is a good thing he/she is out of your life. DO NOT give anything back, a gift is a gift, no matter the value of it, and as mentioned earlier an engagement ring is the only item that does not fall into this rule. In the event of becoming persistent or threatening, a restraining order can be applied.
  • Justjoshin
    Justjoshin Posts: 999 Member
    Giving advice without knowing the OP or the Ex is pretty tough.

    Generally, of course, a gift is a gift, and screw them...

    BUT.. if this is going to cause some psycho to start stalking you, harassing you/kids, or trying to steal the stuff back, give it back and get him out of your life.
  • Insinr8r
    Insinr8r Posts: 45
    I'd tell him/her that you've sold them and used the money for a trip or something that you've always wanted. They can't take back what you don't have. I've done it and it worked for me.:bigsmile:
  • anovasjo
    anovasjo Posts: 382 Member
    I'm sorry, this must be such a stressful situation for you and your family.

    But girl, you've gotta realize that's a disgusting move he's pulling.

    How I would react is entirely based on whether this guy has exhibited any stalker-ish behaviour before.
    Don't give the gifts back in either case; but your behaviour about the whole thing can determine whether this guy is going to continue to be a problem in your life or not.

    If he's a creep, giving his stuff back is only going to prolong contact with him, and also it will let him know that he can still make you do whatever he wants. Giving his things back won't make him leave you alone, he will find some other thing to pester you about.
    Ignore him completely. If he keeps bothering you, change your number and block his e-mail address. Delete him from facebook. The end.

    If he's a nice dude but he's just acting really immature, you should compose 1 really concise e-mail about why you aren't giving the things back (they were gifts, your kids would be upset, he's acting irrationally) and hopefully he comes to his senses (maybe the two of you can still have a civil, adult relationship with each other in the future). If he still wants the presents back, cut all ties.

    Just my $0.02. Feel free to message me if you want an ear :flowerforyou:


    edited: sorry, I forgot MFP doesn't like profanity :)
  • _beachgirl_
    _beachgirl_ Posts: 3,865 Member
    The ultimate goal is to never have to hear from this psycho again. Changing my phone number, moving, and I have to change jobs too since I can't change my number there.

    It's a shame everything I need to do because this person is so mentally unstable.

    I will send everything back, including the playkitchen and easy bake oven he got my daughter last Christmas. I don't use anything he gave me. I'd rather not be reminded of the horrible things he did to us.

    Maybe he is trying to regift them to his next victim.

    ETA: Most of the gifts were given 12-15 months ago. I've not asked for any of the gifts I gave him back.
  • traceracer
    traceracer Posts: 303 Member
    Anyone that wants to take gifts back from kids is obviously seeking attention. I can see how he might want the gifts he gave YOU back, but the kids? REALLY??? Did you hurt him really bad or what???
  • anovasjo
    anovasjo Posts: 382 Member
    I *hope* he is going to "regift them to his next victim" for your sake, because that will mean his attention is on somebody else and he doesn't care about harassing you anymore.

    You should read "the gift of fear" by Gavin de Becker.
  • neenaj33
    neenaj33 Posts: 347 Member
    I *hope* he is going to "regift them to his next victim" for your sake, because that will mean his attention is on somebody else and he doesn't care about harassing you anymore.

    You should read "the gift of fear" by Gavin de Becker.

    I've read that book! It's a great resource! I agree, she should read it.
  • RhonndaJ
    RhonndaJ Posts: 1,615 Member
    My first reaction would be to laugh.

    But any person who would ask/demand gifts given to children back is worth taking at least a little seriously. The rest of my reaction would be a judgement call from knowing the person.
  • anovasjo
    anovasjo Posts: 382 Member
    AND: this

    http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/MOSAIC-Gavin-de-Beckers-Online-Threat-Assessment-Tool
  • guardup
    guardup Posts: 230
    BeachGirl: You broke up with someone who isn't healthy for you. This is good. However, if he truly is as terrible as you perceive him to be, then the best advice is to give back the presents and tell him to not contact you any longer. And never, ever respond to any other attempt by him to contact you.

    Giving back the gifts cuts his perceived tie from you to him. It gives him less ammunition to continue harrassing you... and will help you emotionally disconnect from him (not as in "stop loving him" but as in "stop thinking about him"). He may continue to try other tactics to get you to engage - it's important that after you return the items to him, you do not engage - and ask your friends/family to not engage - ever again.

    Gavin deBecker's book is a good source for anyone. His "Protecting the Gift" is also a powerful source for parents.
  • sjtreely
    sjtreely Posts: 1,014 Member
    ****edited by moderator******

    Until someone has lived with the fear of walking to their own car, always feeling the need to look over their shoulder, taking pictures of their belongings, and changing locks - they'll never get it. Never.

    The PP was right - no one is perfect, but geesh, there are some out there that just ain't right. I pity the people who believe a restraining order will keep someone away.

    Being held captive in your own life is no fun. I sympathize with his next of prey.

    Again my suggestion is - do what you think is best for you and your children. It's more than difficult to reason with someone who is unreasonable, though. I wish you the best of luck.
  • _beachgirl_
    _beachgirl_ Posts: 3,865 Member
    BeachGirl: You broke up with someone who isn't healthy for you. This is good. However, if he truly is as terrible as you perceive him to be, then the best advice is to give back the presents and tell him to not contact you any longer. And never, ever respond to any other attempt by him to contact you.

    Giving back the gifts cuts his perceived tie from you to him. It gives him less ammunition to continue harrassing you... and will help you emotionally disconnect from him (not as in "stop loving him" but as in "stop thinking about him"). He may continue to try other tactics to get you to engage - it's important that after you return the items to him, you do not engage - and ask your friends/family to not engage - ever again.

    Gavin deBecker's book is a good source for anyone. His "Protecting the Gift" is also a powerful source for parents.

    I do not respond when he tries to contact me ever.

    I will return all the gifts, but there will always be some reason or another for him to contact me considering it's been months. I just turn over everything to the police.

    I just want this person out of my life for good. I've moved on. Hopefully, he can too one day.
  • guardup
    guardup Posts: 230
    neenaj,

    I'm betting you are not as dismissive and shallow as your posts suggest. I think that in real life, if a friend came to you with a problem like this, you would give support and understanding - even if you didn't know the other side of the story.

    We are almost all "strangers" here online... it's very rare to get two sides of any story... and it can be even harder to empathize with someone when we all we know about each other is derived from text.

    My suggestion is to respond in a way that helps the person resolve the issue in such a manner that it helps both parties involved. There doesn't need to be judgment when we lack all of the details... just some advice that can create a safer place and doesn't harm anyone.

    We aren't here to discover "the truth". We are here to help each other in a way that doesn't harm others.
  • redserra
    redserra Posts: 2
    To the people who say you have to hear both sides: No, you really don't. If you work in certain fields long enough, you can spot an abusive relationship from hearing only one side of the conversation. If you poo-poo it -- usually by calling the woman crazy -- the woman ends up seriously injured, if not dead. (Sometimes the man does, but that's usually self-defense or battered woman syndrome. And it's much rarer in Western nations these days because divorce is now socially acceptable.)

    Telling her to go to the police is the most ridiculous piece of advice I've ever heard. In every Western nation I'm familiar with, they only intervene if there's assault and/or battery. Even then, in some jurisdictions they'll arrest her too if he claims that she struck him. I have never heard of a jurisdiction where they intervene in cases of pure emotional abuse.

    It doesn't matter if you give the presents back or not -- he's still going to come up with a b.s. reason to call CPS. And CPS will still treat you as guilty until proven innocent. Blaming the caller will be seen as proof of your guilt in their eyes.

    Abusive control freaks are abusive control freaks. Period. They're experts in putting you in lose-lose situations. Give him the presents back and GET A RESTRAINING ORDER BARRING ALL CONTACT.

    If he breaks that restraining order, have him arrested. Immediately. This guy sounds like he's escalating.
  • sjtreely
    sjtreely Posts: 1,014 Member
    It doesn't matter if you give the presents back or not -- he's still going to come up with a b.s. reason to call CPS. And they'll still treat you as guilty until proven innocent.

    Abusive control freaks are abusive control freaks. Period. They're experts in putting you in lose-lose situations.

    (Telling her to go to the police is the silliest piece of advice I've ever heard: they only intervene if he actually hit her. Even then, they'll arrest her if he claims that she struck him. They never intervene with emotional abuse.)

    This speaks volumes.

    Speaking as a momma who had an abusive jerk arrested (f-i-n-a-l-l-y) off her property only to have him skip out of jail within 12 hours and then ... get this ... within one hour - 60 FREAKIN' MINUTES - later have another warrant issued for his arrest.

    Don't tell me the system is out there is working. I dotted my "i's" and crossed my "t's" and my daughter still lived a hell. Both sides are too over worked. I called the police. "I'm sorry, you're in the county and he's driving in the city now." So I called the city, "I'm sorry, he's in the county now. You'll have to call them back." And then there's the prosecutor's office. Pffft. I stood there and said, "Well, let me tell you ... every time he gets out of jail he's skipping down the street laughing at you and laughing at me." It's tough out there.

    Even though we have the best system in the world, it still has its problems.

    Until you've had to relocate someone for fear the next time you saw them they'd be dead, I think it's pretty hard to offer advice.

    I don't know how unstable the person in question is, but I'm telling you, it's never a good idea to play with a loaded gun - even if it only has one bullet in it. 'Ya never know when you're in the line of fire.
  • Lyadeia
    Lyadeia Posts: 4,603 Member
    Police don't just intervene when an assault happens. I am a police officer and can tell you that is totally FALSE. The majority of people don't understand or even really know what we do...but I digress.

    I wouldn't give anything back. I would block their number, delete them from social media sites, block their emails, etc. And if they come over, make sure they know not to come back. Trespassing is a crime, too. Ask my ex-boyfriend about trespassing, stalking, etc. and what the police did to him. He never hit me, though.

    A gift is a gift. He has no rights to it. If it's expensive jewelry, go pawn it and buy yourself something nice.
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