So your ex that you dated for 10 months

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2

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  • neenaj33
    neenaj33 Posts: 347 Member
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    I *hope* he is going to "regift them to his next victim" for your sake, because that will mean his attention is on somebody else and he doesn't care about harassing you anymore.

    You should read "the gift of fear" by Gavin de Becker.

    I've read that book! It's a great resource! I agree, she should read it.
  • RhonndaJ
    RhonndaJ Posts: 1,615 Member
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    My first reaction would be to laugh.

    But any person who would ask/demand gifts given to children back is worth taking at least a little seriously. The rest of my reaction would be a judgement call from knowing the person.
  • anovasjo
    anovasjo Posts: 382 Member
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    AND: this

    http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/MOSAIC-Gavin-de-Beckers-Online-Threat-Assessment-Tool
  • guardup
    guardup Posts: 230
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    BeachGirl: You broke up with someone who isn't healthy for you. This is good. However, if he truly is as terrible as you perceive him to be, then the best advice is to give back the presents and tell him to not contact you any longer. And never, ever respond to any other attempt by him to contact you.

    Giving back the gifts cuts his perceived tie from you to him. It gives him less ammunition to continue harrassing you... and will help you emotionally disconnect from him (not as in "stop loving him" but as in "stop thinking about him"). He may continue to try other tactics to get you to engage - it's important that after you return the items to him, you do not engage - and ask your friends/family to not engage - ever again.

    Gavin deBecker's book is a good source for anyone. His "Protecting the Gift" is also a powerful source for parents.
  • sjtreely
    sjtreely Posts: 1,014 Member
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    ****edited by moderator******

    Until someone has lived with the fear of walking to their own car, always feeling the need to look over their shoulder, taking pictures of their belongings, and changing locks - they'll never get it. Never.

    The PP was right - no one is perfect, but geesh, there are some out there that just ain't right. I pity the people who believe a restraining order will keep someone away.

    Being held captive in your own life is no fun. I sympathize with his next of prey.

    Again my suggestion is - do what you think is best for you and your children. It's more than difficult to reason with someone who is unreasonable, though. I wish you the best of luck.
  • _beachgirl_
    _beachgirl_ Posts: 3,865 Member
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    BeachGirl: You broke up with someone who isn't healthy for you. This is good. However, if he truly is as terrible as you perceive him to be, then the best advice is to give back the presents and tell him to not contact you any longer. And never, ever respond to any other attempt by him to contact you.

    Giving back the gifts cuts his perceived tie from you to him. It gives him less ammunition to continue harrassing you... and will help you emotionally disconnect from him (not as in "stop loving him" but as in "stop thinking about him"). He may continue to try other tactics to get you to engage - it's important that after you return the items to him, you do not engage - and ask your friends/family to not engage - ever again.

    Gavin deBecker's book is a good source for anyone. His "Protecting the Gift" is also a powerful source for parents.

    I do not respond when he tries to contact me ever.

    I will return all the gifts, but there will always be some reason or another for him to contact me considering it's been months. I just turn over everything to the police.

    I just want this person out of my life for good. I've moved on. Hopefully, he can too one day.
  • guardup
    guardup Posts: 230
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    neenaj,

    I'm betting you are not as dismissive and shallow as your posts suggest. I think that in real life, if a friend came to you with a problem like this, you would give support and understanding - even if you didn't know the other side of the story.

    We are almost all "strangers" here online... it's very rare to get two sides of any story... and it can be even harder to empathize with someone when we all we know about each other is derived from text.

    My suggestion is to respond in a way that helps the person resolve the issue in such a manner that it helps both parties involved. There doesn't need to be judgment when we lack all of the details... just some advice that can create a safer place and doesn't harm anyone.

    We aren't here to discover "the truth". We are here to help each other in a way that doesn't harm others.
  • redserra
    redserra Posts: 2
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    To the people who say you have to hear both sides: No, you really don't. If you work in certain fields long enough, you can spot an abusive relationship from hearing only one side of the conversation. If you poo-poo it -- usually by calling the woman crazy -- the woman ends up seriously injured, if not dead. (Sometimes the man does, but that's usually self-defense or battered woman syndrome. And it's much rarer in Western nations these days because divorce is now socially acceptable.)

    Telling her to go to the police is the most ridiculous piece of advice I've ever heard. In every Western nation I'm familiar with, they only intervene if there's assault and/or battery. Even then, in some jurisdictions they'll arrest her too if he claims that she struck him. I have never heard of a jurisdiction where they intervene in cases of pure emotional abuse.

    It doesn't matter if you give the presents back or not -- he's still going to come up with a b.s. reason to call CPS. And CPS will still treat you as guilty until proven innocent. Blaming the caller will be seen as proof of your guilt in their eyes.

    Abusive control freaks are abusive control freaks. Period. They're experts in putting you in lose-lose situations. Give him the presents back and GET A RESTRAINING ORDER BARRING ALL CONTACT.

    If he breaks that restraining order, have him arrested. Immediately. This guy sounds like he's escalating.
  • sjtreely
    sjtreely Posts: 1,014 Member
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    It doesn't matter if you give the presents back or not -- he's still going to come up with a b.s. reason to call CPS. And they'll still treat you as guilty until proven innocent.

    Abusive control freaks are abusive control freaks. Period. They're experts in putting you in lose-lose situations.

    (Telling her to go to the police is the silliest piece of advice I've ever heard: they only intervene if he actually hit her. Even then, they'll arrest her if he claims that she struck him. They never intervene with emotional abuse.)

    This speaks volumes.

    Speaking as a momma who had an abusive jerk arrested (f-i-n-a-l-l-y) off her property only to have him skip out of jail within 12 hours and then ... get this ... within one hour - 60 FREAKIN' MINUTES - later have another warrant issued for his arrest.

    Don't tell me the system is out there is working. I dotted my "i's" and crossed my "t's" and my daughter still lived a hell. Both sides are too over worked. I called the police. "I'm sorry, you're in the county and he's driving in the city now." So I called the city, "I'm sorry, he's in the county now. You'll have to call them back." And then there's the prosecutor's office. Pffft. I stood there and said, "Well, let me tell you ... every time he gets out of jail he's skipping down the street laughing at you and laughing at me." It's tough out there.

    Even though we have the best system in the world, it still has its problems.

    Until you've had to relocate someone for fear the next time you saw them they'd be dead, I think it's pretty hard to offer advice.

    I don't know how unstable the person in question is, but I'm telling you, it's never a good idea to play with a loaded gun - even if it only has one bullet in it. 'Ya never know when you're in the line of fire.
  • Lyadeia
    Lyadeia Posts: 4,603 Member
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    Police don't just intervene when an assault happens. I am a police officer and can tell you that is totally FALSE. The majority of people don't understand or even really know what we do...but I digress.

    I wouldn't give anything back. I would block their number, delete them from social media sites, block their emails, etc. And if they come over, make sure they know not to come back. Trespassing is a crime, too. Ask my ex-boyfriend about trespassing, stalking, etc. and what the police did to him. He never hit me, though.

    A gift is a gift. He has no rights to it. If it's expensive jewelry, go pawn it and buy yourself something nice.
  • anovasjo
    anovasjo Posts: 382 Member
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    neenaj,

    I'm betting you are not as dismissive and shallow as your posts suggest. I think that in real life, if a friend came to you with a problem like this, you would give support and understanding - even if you didn't know the other side of the story.

    We are almost all "strangers" here online... it's very rare to get two sides of any story... and it can be even harder to empathize with someone when we all we know about each other is derived from text.

    My suggestion is to respond in a way that helps the person resolve the issue in such a manner that it helps both parties involved. There doesn't need to be judgment when we lack all of the details... just some advice that can create a safer place and doesn't harm anyone.

    We aren't here to discover "the truth". We are here to help each other in a way that doesn't harm others.

    Thanks for having such a positive attitude! I nearly left the thread for the bickering. We're all in this together.
  • redserra
    redserra Posts: 2
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    Police don't just intervene when an assault happens. I am a police officer and can tell you that is totally FALSE. The majority of people don't understand or even really know what we do...but I digress.

    I wouldn't give anything back. I would block their number, delete them from social media sites, block their emails, etc. And if they come over, make sure they know not to come back. Trespassing is a crime, too. Ask my ex-boyfriend about trespassing, stalking, etc. and what the police did to him. He never hit me, though.

    A gift is a gift. He has no rights to it. If it's expensive jewelry, go pawn it and buy yourself something nice.

    Yes -- and you're a police officer.

    sjtreely and I aren't. They weren't nearly as helpful.

    Ultimately, the only thing that really helped was my dog. And my gun. But you probably shouldn't have guns around kids.
  • sjtreely
    sjtreely Posts: 1,014 Member
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    And for what it's worth, my ex - my daughter's father, is a police officer. Yes, I was naive enough to think he'd get more involved. But I digress.

    For me, it wasn't worth much. But I'm still angry .... but it's only been a few years since the whole ordeal. Maybe in another 20 years I'll soften over it. But I doubt it.
  • mrmanmeat
    mrmanmeat Posts: 1,968 Member
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    asks (demands) that you send back everything he (or she) ever bought you even Christmas presents for your kids, what do you do?

    break them, then send them back.
  • ashnm88
    ashnm88 Posts: 748
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    Nothing.. they were gifts. He/she cannot ask for them back.

    I watch people's court all the time (lol).. a gift is a gift, unless it was under condition to marry, like an engagement ring. If you accepted the ring with agreeing to marry and then there is a break up, the person who gave the ring can get it back.

    Agree
  • Nailrep
    Nailrep Posts: 966 Member
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    What kind of loser asks for gifts back...especially gifts to the kids?? A CHEAP LOSER!!! Ignore him. If he presses it, send him a bill for all the meals you cooked etc...(shaking head) loser!
  • gp79
    gp79 Posts: 1,799 Member
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    Yeah I'd like to hear the other side of this story. Seems childish but I'm sure there's something of significant value in there somewhere.
  • nalia08
    nalia08 Posts: 252
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    Don't give them anything! Tell that person, they were gifts and will remain as such!
  • Nailrep
    Nailrep Posts: 966 Member
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    Giving advice without knowing the OP or the Ex is pretty tough.

    Generally, of course, a gift is a gift, and screw them...

    BUT.. if this is going to cause some psycho to start stalking you, harassing you/kids, or trying to steal the stuff back, give it back and get him out of your life.
    [/

    I actually agree with this, but with one minor tweak. If I thought he might start stalking or going psycho, id probably return the stuff, but to one of his parents. Or the police.
  • nalia08
    nalia08 Posts: 252
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    Did the person ask for the dinners back he paid for? You should ask for the sex & time back you gave and say if he can deliver that you will deliver the other gifts!

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