So your ex that you dated for 10 months
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neenaj,
I'm betting you are not as dismissive and shallow as your posts suggest. I think that in real life, if a friend came to you with a problem like this, you would give support and understanding - even if you didn't know the other side of the story.
We are almost all "strangers" here online... it's very rare to get two sides of any story... and it can be even harder to empathize with someone when we all we know about each other is derived from text.
My suggestion is to respond in a way that helps the person resolve the issue in such a manner that it helps both parties involved. There doesn't need to be judgment when we lack all of the details... just some advice that can create a safer place and doesn't harm anyone.
We aren't here to discover "the truth". We are here to help each other in a way that doesn't harm others.
Thanks for having such a positive attitude! I nearly left the thread for the bickering. We're all in this together.0 -
Police don't just intervene when an assault happens. I am a police officer and can tell you that is totally FALSE. The majority of people don't understand or even really know what we do...but I digress.
I wouldn't give anything back. I would block their number, delete them from social media sites, block their emails, etc. And if they come over, make sure they know not to come back. Trespassing is a crime, too. Ask my ex-boyfriend about trespassing, stalking, etc. and what the police did to him. He never hit me, though.
A gift is a gift. He has no rights to it. If it's expensive jewelry, go pawn it and buy yourself something nice.
Yes -- and you're a police officer.
sjtreely and I aren't. They weren't nearly as helpful.
Ultimately, the only thing that really helped was my dog. And my gun. But you probably shouldn't have guns around kids.0 -
And for what it's worth, my ex - my daughter's father, is a police officer. Yes, I was naive enough to think he'd get more involved. But I digress.
For me, it wasn't worth much. But I'm still angry .... but it's only been a few years since the whole ordeal. Maybe in another 20 years I'll soften over it. But I doubt it.0 -
asks (demands) that you send back everything he (or she) ever bought you even Christmas presents for your kids, what do you do?
break them, then send them back.0 -
Nothing.. they were gifts. He/she cannot ask for them back.
I watch people's court all the time (lol).. a gift is a gift, unless it was under condition to marry, like an engagement ring. If you accepted the ring with agreeing to marry and then there is a break up, the person who gave the ring can get it back.
Agree0 -
What kind of loser asks for gifts back...especially gifts to the kids?? A CHEAP LOSER!!! Ignore him. If he presses it, send him a bill for all the meals you cooked etc...(shaking head) loser!0
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Yeah I'd like to hear the other side of this story. Seems childish but I'm sure there's something of significant value in there somewhere.0
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Don't give them anything! Tell that person, they were gifts and will remain as such!0
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Giving advice without knowing the OP or the Ex is pretty tough.
Generally, of course, a gift is a gift, and screw them...
BUT.. if this is going to cause some psycho to start stalking you, harassing you/kids, or trying to steal the stuff back, give it back and get him out of your life.
[/
I actually agree with this, but with one minor tweak. If I thought he might start stalking or going psycho, id probably return the stuff, but to one of his parents. Or the police.0 -
Did the person ask for the dinners back he paid for? You should ask for the sex & time back you gave and say if he can deliver that you will deliver the other gifts!0
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If he's harassing you and your children go to the police and get a restraining order. Have his number blocked from cell phones, block him on social sites, perhaps ask your workplace if it's possible to change your phone number, get your locks changed if he had a key and you think his behavior might escalate.
You don't have to just sit there and let him do this to you. Be proactive!
Where the gifts are concerned, if you and your kids like and use the things he gave you then keep them, if not, give them back. It's up to you if you can handle the stressful reminder of the, seemingly, psycho guy you're trying to get away from.0 -
It doesn't matter if you give the presents back or not -- he's still going to come up with a b.s. reason to call CPS. And they'll still treat you as guilty until proven innocent.
Abusive control freaks are abusive control freaks. Period. They're experts in putting you in lose-lose situations.
(Telling her to go to the police is the silliest piece of advice I've ever heard: they only intervene if he actually hit her. Even then, they'll arrest her if he claims that she struck him. They never intervene with emotional abuse.)
This speaks volumes.
Speaking as a momma who had an abusive jerk arrested (f-i-n-a-l-l-y) off her property only to have him skip out of jail within 12 hours and then ... get this ... within one hour - 60 FREAKIN' MINUTES - later have another warrant issued for his arrest.
Don't tell me the system is out there is working. I dotted my "i's" and crossed my "t's" and my daughter still lived a hell. Both sides are too over worked. I called the police. "I'm sorry, you're in the county and he's driving in the city now." So I called the city, "I'm sorry, he's in the county now. You'll have to call them back." And then there's the prosecutor's office. Pffft. I stood there and said, "Well, let me tell you ... every time he gets out of jail he's skipping down the street laughing at you and laughing at me." It's tough out there.
Even though we have the best system in the world, it still has its problems.
Until you've had to relocate someone for fear the next time you saw them they'd be dead, I think it's pretty hard to offer advice.
I don't know how unstable the person in question is, but I'm telling you, it's never a good idea to play with a loaded gun - even if it only has one bullet in it. 'Ya never know when you're in the line of fire.
I agree
1. Someone who is unstable has no fear of authority. unless injured physically, they do just skip down the street. Some brag to their friends that the "b*tich had me arrested and LOOK here I am!"
2. You MUST cut off all contact. I hurt my self way more than necc. because of my habit of playing into it. What else did I know?
3. Do not do ANYthing to provoke. Send back the gifts out of another town so the post mark is different.
4. It is just stuff that can be replaced. Give him no power.
5 HUGS0 -
To the people who say you have to hear both sides: No, you really don't. If you work in certain fields long enough, you can spot an abusive relationship from hearing only one side of the conversation. If you poo-poo it -- usually by calling the woman crazy -- the woman ends up seriously injured, if not dead. (Sometimes the man does, but that's usually self-defense or battered woman syndrome. And it's much rarer in Western nations these days because divorce is now socially acceptable.)
Telling her to go to the police is the most ridiculous piece of advice I've ever heard. In every Western nation I'm familiar with, they only intervene if there's assault and/or battery. Even then, in some jurisdictions they'll arrest her too if he claims that she struck him. I have never heard of a jurisdiction where they intervene in cases of pure emotional abuse.
It doesn't matter if you give the presents back or not -- he's still going to come up with a b.s. reason to call CPS. And CPS will still treat you as guilty until proven innocent. Blaming the caller will be seen as proof of your guilt in their eyes.
Abusive control freaks are abusive control freaks. Period. They're experts in putting you in lose-lose situations. Give him the presents back and GET A RESTRAINING ORDER BARRING ALL CONTACT.
If he breaks that restraining order, have him arrested. Immediately. This guy sounds like he's escalating.
Great advice! My sone recently broke up with a girl who continued to contact him, begging him to come back. She offered "no strings" sex ( yeah, right), and offered to pay for his gas to get to her house. It was obvious that she is unstable. My son ended up calling the police. The police called her and told her to knock it off. That was enough to scare her for now. Guess we will see. But stalking/ abuse is nothing to mess around with!!0 -
An added note regarding stalking/abuse...
A neighbor of mine moved to Florida when she married her longtime boyfriend. Some years later, I got a call that he had walked into her work, shot her and her boss, and then killed himself. They had recently separated and he wasn't handling it too well. I believe she actually had a restraining order at the time too. So very sad. I think she was about 28 or so.0 -
To the people who say you have to hear both sides: No, you really don't. If you work in certain fields long enough, you can spot an abusive relationship from hearing only one side of the conversation. If you poo-poo it -- usually by calling the woman crazy -- the woman ends up seriously injured, if not dead. (Sometimes the man does, but that's usually self-defense or battered woman syndrome. And it's much rarer in Western nations these days because divorce is now socially acceptable.)
Telling her to go to the police is the most ridiculous piece of advice I've ever heard. In every Western nation I'm familiar with, they only intervene if there's assault and/or battery. Even then, in some jurisdictions they'll arrest her too if he claims that she struck him. I have never heard of a jurisdiction where they intervene in cases of pure emotional abuse.
It doesn't matter if you give the presents back or not -- he's still going to come up with a b.s. reason to call CPS. And CPS will still treat you as guilty until proven innocent. Blaming the caller will be seen as proof of your guilt in their eyes.
Abusive control freaks are abusive control freaks. Period. They're experts in putting you in lose-lose situations. Give him the presents back and GET A RESTRAINING ORDER BARRING ALL CONTACT.
If he breaks that restraining order, have him arrested. Immediately. This guy sounds like he's escalating.
Great advice! My sone recently broke up with a girl who continued to contact him, begging him to come back. She offered "no strings" sex ( yeah, right), and offered to pay for his gas to get to her house. It was obvious that she is unstable. My son ended up calling the police. The police called her and told her to knock it off. That was enough to scare her for now. Guess we will see. But stalking/ abuse is nothing to mess around with!!
It is so hard to decide how to go. I knew if I did the restraining order thing it would escalate the situation. I have no control over what he thinks, but as an abused person I played into due to my personality type. He knew JUST the buttons to push to make me feel sorry for him.
He is still trying, but I have turned off my 'care' button. Thanks to that article above, I am turning on my FEAR button and discussing this with my therapist.0 -
One last thing, as this gave me a beautiful image to use in times of the worst stress.
A therapist, upon my 1st visit with him after being thrown thru a door, had me walk up to this huge painting on the wall.
He made me put my nose on the painting. He then asked me what I saw. Irritated, I responded that I saw nothing but black because I was too close to the picture.
He pointed out that it is easy for HIM to give me a description of the painting, as he was well removed, 10 feet away. He could see very clearly what was occuring in the painting.
Me on the other hand was too close to the picture (situation) to make any decisions at all.
As I was standing there he had me move 1", then 1' then 5 ft away. Each time asking me what I saw. He explained this was how my therapy would be. Each week we would get further from the situation, and closer to the real issues that were occuring.
I still use that. :flowerforyou:0 -
One last thing, as this gave me a beautiful image to use in times of the worst stress.
A therapist, upon my 1st visit with him after being thrown thru a door, had me walk up to this huge painting on the wall.
He made me put my nose on the painting. He then asked me what I saw. Irritated, I responded that I saw nothing but black because I was too close to the picture.
He pointed out that it is easy for HIM to give me a description of the painting, as he was well removed, 10 feet away. He could see very clearly what was occuring in the painting.
Me on the other hand was too close to the picture (situation) to make any decisions at all.
As I was standing there he had me move 1", then 1' then 5 ft away. Each time asking me what I saw. He explained this was how my therapy would be. Each week we would get further from the situation, and closer to the real issues that were occuring.
I still use that. :flowerforyou:
Very awesome! Take care of yourself and kids!0 -
Push the ignore button.asks (demands) that you send back everything he (or she) ever bought you even Christmas presents for your kids, what do you do?
A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
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Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
Tell him to bite your butt and where he can go. Thats insane!!!!0
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It sounds like he's just trying to get you to engage, I doubt it really matters whether you send the stuff back or not. Even if you do, he may find some other excuse to continue contacting you. You have no obligation to return those gifts but if they hold negative memories for you or your children, by all means, get rid of them. Even if they go to Goodwill and not to him.
Good luck to you, I hope you can get him to finally stop harassing you and that you both can find a measure of peace.0
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