personal dilemma...

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missjessica83
missjessica83 Posts: 64
in Chit-Chat
So seeing as im here i thought id ask you lovely people for your opinions...

A friend of mine called me upset this morning she and her long term boyfriend have had a really tough few months culminating in a 'discussion' last night. They've both been unhappy for a little while he says he still loves her but he's been suffering with depression (undiagnosed) for a long time and this makes him really angry and aggressive (shouty not violent) she is quite reserved and i know this upsets her a lot. He refuses to see a doctor saying its situation based - he's had a lot of trouble with his family (think uk tv show shameless and double it!) he's also had a lot of illness and death in his family over the last few years.

She has stood by him and supported both him and his family ever since she's been with him. She was in a car accident almost a year ago and ever since hasnt been able to work so does everything at home for them but money is tight and the 'discussion' was started when she found out he'd been using gambling websites...lots of.

She told him that she loved him but not in the same way as she did. All the pressure of the last three years had taken its toll and his more frequent outbursts had made her 'pull back'. Ive noticed how much confidence she's lost. He took this really badly and she couldnt see what she'd said wrong. I can see both sides as in im sure it was hurtful for him to hear but i also think he needs to seek some help and not lean on her so much. But she asked me whether if she felt like this should she leave. At the time i said only she could make that decision and she'd have to follow her heart (i know bit of a sitting on the fence answer?!)

So what do you think? If you're not 'in love' with a person anymore is it kinder on all parties to move on (they have no children/marriage/mortgage etc) or is she doing the right thing 'toughing out a rough patch'?

Thanks in advance :)

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  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Personally, I would have to give him an ultimatum. Either he gets help or I'm out! Easier said than done, but if she has the strength and she loves herself enough, then she can follow through. She HAS to follow through.
  • WannaBeSlimJim2
    WannaBeSlimJim2 Posts: 39 Member
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    My opinion....she has to really consider all the pros and cons; of the present...who he is now and now what he was or what he plans on being in the future. It's a time too that she seems to really have to focus on herself, for her own health and well being, and something that toxic can really hinder that for her, and she may get more lost in this situation then found.

    The future may even bring them back, who knows, but for all of what they seem to have to deal with individually...a break, so to speak, maybe what they need to get the focus on themselves. But for right now, it most certainly sounds like it is only going to get worse then better.

    The hardest thing sometimes to is realize that you aren't in love with the person anymore, but still love them. It's always so hard to figure out what the right thing to do is when it involves other people.

    She has to be HONEST with herself when she does analyize the relationship, the good, the bad, the ugly.

    Hope this helped some. Best of luck.
  • Iheartsushi
    Iheartsushi Posts: 150 Member
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    These situations are always tough. I've been on both sides of the fence. Depressed and down and looking for my significant other to be supportive of me..only to be left alone. I've also been on the side where you have to allow a person to do for themselves, and make the painful decision to walk away. Both situations suck! :ohwell:

    But you gave her the best advice. She has to make that painful decision on her own. It seems like you are a concerned and great friend for even seeking advice on this so be sure to continue being there for her..regardless of the decision she makes. At this point in my life, I truly appreciate the time I have on this earth and have made the decision to not deal with drama or issues like this. You said "longterm boyfriend"...which is different from husband. Marriage is one thing so toughing it out probably has more value.

    All in all..she needs to take the time to get better. To get healthy and happy once again. If she feels she is capable of doing that WHILE in a relationship with him..then great. But if not..then keep it moving!!! People lose sight of themselves and what is important when dealing with pain like that. It hurts but just like any other grieving process..it gets better!
  • missjessica83
    missjessica83 Posts: 64
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    Thanks for advice so far guys. I think she's a bit frightened about his reaction if she left. What he'd potentially do either to himself or the 'hassle' he'd give her. In the state he's in this isnt going to be a 'clean break' and she's a bit battle scarred after her last break up where her ex lost the plot and kept calling her threatening to kill himself! I think this is more to do with why she hasn't walked yet if im honest.

    She feels a lot of responsibility for him too because his family are so useless and they've had so much heartache and there's still seriously ill members. I know he puts it on her that she's the 'only good thing in his life' and stuff and he's even said that the only way they'll be apart is if one of them is dead!? As her friend that scared me a bit but he's quite intense so i just put it down to him 'saying it for effect'. Doesnt seem to make him treat her any better though. He is quite controlling just likes things done his own way and 'throws a strop' when its not.

    Ive been careful not to say too much specifically about him and how i see it because she has to decide this for herself and i dont want to alienate her especially now and she might stay.

    Hmmmm it is a tricksy one thanks again for your advice :)
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Okay. After reading your second post, she is absolutely in an abusive relationship with this guy and has to get out NOW!!
  • Play_outside
    Play_outside Posts: 528 Member
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    You are right that it's your friend's own decision, but it sounds like it is not a healthy relationship for her. It is absolutely not anyone's responsibility to take care of anyone, except in certain circumstances like parents/guardians. Imagine the insane weight of being the only person that someone has to count on-it is unfair, unrealistic, and cruel. If he has no one else, it is not her fault and has nothing to do with her.

    As a person who went through a really terrible experience with not one but TWO depressed boyfriends, I have to say that it is extremely difficult and definitely not something I will do to myself again. And giving ultimatums/enabling/trying to encourage treatment/etc etc etc whatever a person does-it makes no difference. It is up to the depressed person to figure it out and seek and maintain the help they need. A significant other can not make that happen. I have also been depressed and used my last terrible experience with a depressed bf who went pretty crazy to look deep inside myself and figure out what my issues are and what helps, so that I do not become that person too.

    Anyway, what it comes down to is that a) she has to make her own decision, b) she is NOT at all in any way responsible for him, his behaviour, his reaction, his lack of a supportive family, etc and c) as her friend you need to do what you feel most comfortable with but as her friend I would be honest with her and tell her exactly what you think but let her know that you love and support her regardless. Our closest friends are the people who tell us what we dont' want to hear, and who stand by us and let us make mistakes and love us anyway-but look out for us too.
  • Play_outside
    Play_outside Posts: 528 Member
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    Sorry, tired, up all night, fixed my post lol.
  • KimmieBrie
    KimmieBrie Posts: 825 Member
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    All you can do is listen and say you'll be there for her regardless of her decision - which it is.
    I wouldn't bad mouth him - because if they end up together still, that could cause problems.

    My best friend is married to an all time loser.They've separated but she can't seem to shake him.
    All I can do is be her friend so that's what I do... I don't call him all the names I'm saying in my head :) And no matter what
    advice you give her she is going to do what she wants. She has to work it out on her own.
  • sophjakesmom
    sophjakesmom Posts: 904 Member
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    . I think she's a bit frightened about his reaction if she left. What he'd potentially do either to himself or the 'hassle' he'd give her. In the state he's in this isnt going to be a 'clean break' and she's a bit battle scarred after her last break up where her ex lost the plot and kept calling her threatening to kill himself! I think this is more to do with why she hasn't walked yet if im honest.

    Is there someone else who is a friend to him that she can call? This sounds like a really unhealthy relationship and being scared for the other person is not a reason to stay. It is good that she has you as a friend.
  • missjessica83
    missjessica83 Posts: 64
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    Thanks so much for all opinions. Ive had my concerns for a while im pretty much the only friend she still sees. He doesnt 'stop her' but because she does all the driving (he has no car) he dominates a lot of her time and energy. He always says she can do whatever she likes but i suspect she goes for a 'quiet life' and feels bad when she leaves him on his own because he doesnt have 'friends' he spends time with.

    He's always really nice as pie whenever i see him but she seems on edge more and more and from the little bits she's said she seems to walk on eggshells a lot. When she says she wants to go visit friends he plays on wanting to spend 'quality time' with her because he's been working (but he's only part time and they are together ALL the time)

    I think i just wanted to see whether the 'depression' factor meant she should be more understanding...but then if he's not prepared to look for help and want to be different im guessing she's up against it.

    Thanks again

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