Should I feel guilty??? What next???

soccer8s · December 2011

I'll try to make this "long" story a bit shorter, without leaving anything out....

Me and my BF have been together about a year - I have 3 kids, he has 1 (1/2 the time) - oldest is in Kindergarten (5, 4, 3, 2 are their ages), we've had ups and downs (we live together, so it's been harder at times than others)...he stays home with the kids and I work 9 hours a day. I'm gone from 7am-4:30pm M-F.

We just signed up for the gym about 3 weeks ago now ... and have to pay $40 extra bucks just for the daycare piece of it...$10 per kid per month...so it pretty much doubled our gym membership....but whatever....I want to do it so I can be healthy and be there for my girls forever, not just "now" in my unhealthy state.

So - 6 days a week we've been going to the gym for 1.5-2 hours a day (the daycare only allows the girls there for 2 hours)...not that I'd generally work out longer than that...but I'm getting a pretty good routine and a pretty good workout in most days!

I've been feeling great - haven't lost much weight yet, but I'm motivated and I want this...I want me back.

We usually go to the gym from 5-7pm and get home and pretty much put the kids to bed or let them read for a bit and be in bed by 8pm. That's what I did last night and he completely flipped out and slept on the couch...I didn't bother going and asking what was wrong until this morning because I really didn't want to be up all night fighting over something, so I went to bed and didn't sleep for crap...up a lot, but whatever. So he goes into the bedrooom this morning and I ask what's up and he's mad because I'm focusing too much on the gym and not enough on my kids.

Weekends are generally all about the kids other than the 2 hours on Saturday when we're at the gym....but we play most of the day Saturday and even Sunday (other than them watching football with us...but it's a family thing)

He thinks I need to focus 100% of my life on my kids (Which is what I did to get me into the "fat" state that I'm in now....doing everything for them and nothing for me - Gosh I feel like a bad mom when I say that....don't get me wrong I love my girls to death and would do absolutely anything for them), but I wanted to do this for me...get back in shape and feel good again.

So - 2 questions....
1. Do I need to reevaluate and put my kids 1st again and make sure I'm spending more time with them - meaning spending less time at the gym?
2. Do I change my "situation" and figure out a way to go it along and keep MFP as my "motivation", but find a way to get rid of BF and the negativity? Find a nanny during the day, figure out a way to pay her and get his booty moving on...so I can focus on me?

Yes, many of you will say I know what I want to do....and I probably do, but I also don't want to be a raving b*tch either....so any comments/suggestions/stories will be great! Thanks in advance!

sllm1 · December 2011

I'm not in exactly the same situation (my husband is comletely supportive), but I do feel guilty about not spending enough time with my kids since I work hours similar to yours. I end up going to the gym two to three nights during the week for an hour rather than every night for two hours. It's all a balancing act. I do hit the gym on the weekends when I have more time. My kids love to go to the gym with me, so it makes me feel a little less guilty.

Iheartsushi · December 2011

I don't think it is a problem that you go to work, and then go to the gym. You are obviously focused on your health. I do not feel you are neglecting your kids, in any way. That's just his insecurity shining through...that, "Holy Crap! She's gonna get all fit and fine and then leave me" syndrome. He will get over it.

You already know what you should do! I felt that same 'guilt' when I would work all day and have my son at daycare...and then follow up with the gym daycare. Sooooo for me. I switched my main workouts to be at home workouts (ie beachbody) in the mornings (it was also cost effective for me). But some people do not like to workout at home so I do not feel you have to completely forgo the gym! Maybe do an hour workout at home with the kids and then the gym for one hour?

If he is really concerned, how about switching up your weekend workout routines? Maybe instead of heading to the gym for two hours..do a family group sport together. I workout with my 3 year old on the weekends for this exact reason.

busyPK · December 2011

My husband stays home with our 2 young boys (one is almost 2 and the other is 4 months) and I work a FT executive job. It is not the quantity of time you spend with your children, but the quality of time. It is a great thing that you are getting into better shape for yourself and secondly for your family. I would not feel guilty about that. I would sit down with him and explain that this is very important to you and as a mother, we don't to much for ourselves (especially when our children are young). Huge hugs mama!

Edit to add, I do get up at 5:15am at least 3 days a week and workout before work. It makes me feel less guilty about the "not spending every minute with my children when I'm not working". I am not sure if that is an option for you though.

Marig0ld · December 2011

I'm sorry to hear that! 2 hours a day 6 days a week sounds like a LOT, though! Maybe cut back a bit? I found that when I spent TOO much time at the gym, my bf would start to get resentful. I don't have kids but I understand that "guilty" feeling.

Either way, I hope you can explain to your guy that by going to the gym, you are actually doing the best you can for your kids by staying healthy and being around for the long haul. Best of luck to you :flowerforyou:

Stefanie7125 · December 2011

As a mother, it is so easy for us to put every one else first, but speaking from experience, you canNOT do that. I did that, and now my kids are older and need me a lot less and guess what? I am miserable, I am fat, unhealthy, and have no hobbies. I am trying to find myself at 40 yrs old, but this isn't about me. You have to find a middle ground. I agree with the earlier comment, perhaps you shouldn't go to the gym every night or can you get up and go in the morning before work for an hour? Then you could still have your evenings. How about lunch time? I use to take a 30 min class at the gym during my lunch and it helped, but I don't know the proximity to your work and if that would be feasable. Yes, your children are important, they won't stay little forever, but you have to think of yourself as well. Also, taking them to the gym is teaching them a positive lifestyle. (my local gym doesn't charge extra for childcare)

Articeluvsmemphis · December 2011

1: He needs a job.

2: You need to get those kids in daycare.

3: If you choose to keep the gym membership, just go maybe 4-5 times a week and spend an hour there, trust me you can get a very effective workout done in that span of time and see great results.

4: Talk, not argue, with BF about your lifestyle change and tell him what you are GOING to do, and be firm that it's apart of your life now.

5: Those days you're not at the gym go to the park and be active with your kids and walk/play demonstrate a healthy lifestyle.

6: Get a jogging stroller for number (5) haha. no one wants to carry kids at the park.

7: Don't feel guilty, we all have weight loss obstacles, this is yours, and you will overcome it, with or without BF support.

LuckyLeprechaun · December 2011

This! ^^^^^

MLeigh18 · December 2011

I'm not a mom, but here's my answer from the child's perspective because my mom did the same thing you did when i was growing up. She focused all her attention on raising me and my sisters and didn't even think about going to the gym. She now have diabetes, thyroid problems and is overweight.

Honestly, i'd rather of spent two hours in day care at the gym M-F until I was only enough to take care of my self at home or my sisters were old enough to take care of me and have my mom be happy and healthy. I hate to see my mom go through what she is going through. The constant battle with the finger pricking and losing her hair because of her thyroid problem to just simply complaining about her pants size. (She's not that big, she's 5'5, like 165# and wears a size 10 pants) but she's considered overweight. But her whole life she was stick thin, she was 98 pounds when she got married at age 28.. then we came.

You really shouldn't feel bad about leaving your kids in day care. I doubt they'll even remember when they're older. Besides I can guarantee your girls will say to you, "Mom i'd rather you be around for my wedding and your grand kids and even great grand kids than worry about leaving me in day care for 10 hours/week."

soccer8s · December 2011

I can totally get up early and do a home work out - I just ordered the 30day Shred and I have a couple other DVD's that I can use...that's a good idea. I can get up at 5 and do an hour of cardio....or even 30 minutes to start my day and everyone would still be sleeping!!!!

I'm just more motivated by the gym because of the atmosphere and I'm paying for it, so I better be using it!!!!

Maybe I could do the same thing at night after they all go to bed...damn!!! Good thoughts ladies and gents. I'll keep reading responses...I need some support...just like all of you.

Thanks!!!! Now why can't my video be here today?!?!?!

ItsMeRebekah · December 2011

Being a working mom is super hard!!
I take my kids to the park and run the track.. Then i do video's at home.
You should do whatever works for YOU and your family! I wouldn't pay the membership HAHA which is why i run and do dvd's!
You guys can figure this out and be a strong team!

MercedesV · December 2011

I firmly believe that different strokes for different folks. I love a lot of the coments that have already been said. I just joined the rec center and I too feel that I had better use it. I want to go 6 days a week and my fiancee is not liking that. We were going together. Last night he told me he wouldn't be working out w/ me anymore. I got to a place that I realize that I am responsable for where I am physically, emotionally, and I weight what I weight because of the choices I have made.

I don't know the answers to you and your family because what works for you guys may not work for me. I would lean more on the side of making some concessions with the expectation that you will be supported in having the 1-1 time that you need. You need to be able to have your "space" and your identity and a peice that just belongs to you. Yes you are a mother, but your duties now are temporary and eventually your kids will become teenagers and they will leave.

I guess I would ask you more questions. How much time do you feel you need to spend with the kids? When you work out, how do you feel? Are you able to try working out at the gym early/late? What is your mate willing to do to help? How many times do you need to work out to feel good?

Where I got in my situation Is that I don't get to blame my guy for not wanting to go to the gym. The last time we went he wanted to leave after an hour and 10 minutes and I wanted to stay, (ok, i admit we had been there a long time). He felt that I was being rude and I felt that he was interfereing w/ my progress. Thats bs though because I am the only one w/ the power to interfere w/ my progress. I realized I was breaking it off on him so that I wouldn't have to take responsability. I am not saying that that is what you are doing, because it is different. I don't have kids. I'm just saying what I learned about myself.

With that said we are still not talking

so don't go and be crazy like me. lol

soccer8s · December 2011

I firmly believe that different strokes for different folks. I love a lot of the coments that have already been said. I just joined the rec center and I too feel that I had better use it. I want to go 6 days a week and my fiancee is not liking that. We were going together. Last night he told me he wouldn't be working out w/ me anymore. I got to a place that I realize that I am responsable for where I am physically, emotionally, and I weight what I weight because of the choices I have made.

I don't know the answers to you and your family because what works for you guys may not work for me. I would lean more on the side of making some concessions with the expectation that you will be supported in having the 1-1 time that you need. You need to be able to have your "space" and your identity and a peice that just belongs to you. Yes you are a mother, but your duties now are temporary and eventually your kids will become teenagers and they will leave.

I guess I would ask you more questions. How much time do you feel you need to spend with the kids? When you work out, how do you feel? Are you able to try working out at the gym early/late? What is your mate willing to do to help? How many times do you need to work out to feel good?

Where I got in my situation Is that I don't get to blame my guy for not wanting to go to the gym. The last time we went he wanted to leave after an hour and 10 minutes and I wanted to stay, (ok, i admit we had been there a long time). He felt that I was being rude and I felt that he was interfereing w/ my progress. Thats bs though because I am the only one w/ the power to interfere w/ my progress. I realized I was breaking it off on him so that I wouldn't have to take responsability. I am not saying that that is what you are doing, because it is different. I don't have kids. I'm just saying what I learned about myself.

With that said we are still not talking so don't go and be crazy like me. lol

Ok I'm so with ya girl!!! He's told me he doesn't want to go with me to the gym but he also doesn't want me going alone...like my 3 kids will be the best way to pick up a guy at the gym...DUH...whatever....

but back to your questions:

How much time do you feel you need to spend with the kids? I know I don't spend enough time with them, but I'm a working mom, so I will never have the luxury again of being a stay at home mom. I spend time with them on the weekends and really, they haven't asked for more mom time...even the 5 year old - I ask her if mom spends enough time with her and she says yes....so I don't think she'd be lying to me....we do lots of fun stuff on weekends, we just don't have much time during the week.

When you work out, how do you feel? Fantastic!!!! I absolutely love the gym and love working out, love the way I feel. Haven't seen much change on the scale, but I feel so much better and do have more energy....

Are you able to try working out at the gym early/late? Well, at the gym probably no...because he doesn't like me going without him, but i can probably do a couple work out videos or hit my elliptical at home....before the kids are awake or after they go to bed at night...not a bad idea, i just don't get the motivation at home as easily as driving to the gym and paying for the gym....

What is your mate willing to do to help? Um, not much at this point I'm afraid...he has been going to the gym with me, but he still says i'm focusing too much on me and i'm taking this working out/eating better thing way too far....HELLO? did i just hear that? so you want me to be fat the rest of my life? he says he likes me the way i am, but I don't!!! I want to be better....I want to be thinner and healthier....

How many times do you need to work out to feel good? I love working out 6 days a week, but I could probably do 3-4 days as long as I was able to do something at home too....I don't feel good when I only burn 100-200 calories...I have to get a good burn...and that's why i bust my *kitten* so hard in the gym...I try to get 500+ per day at the gym for my burn....ideally, i'd like to burn 3500 a week at least....I'm aiming for close to 5000 per month starting in January...but maybe that's just unrealistic....

Thx for the support and the suggestions.....

miw14 · December 2011

I think it's time to put yourself first. You seem like you still give your kids the attention and time they deserve with you. You're trying to be a healthier you, and probably not just for yourself. You're most likely doing it also so you can live longer and be able to watch your kids progress into adults and be able to be involved in their adult lives. Once you reach your goal you can always cut back the time at the gym, and spend more time with your kids. You could also exercise with the whole family. Find some walking trails and go for a walk. I hoped I helped!

tomomatic · December 2011

If you ever figure out the work/life/kids balance thing out, please let me know. I built an entire kids play area in my basement that's full of more toys than a daycare to keep my two daughters busy while I am in my tiny home gym right next door. When I'm working out, they are supposed to be playing with each other. Instead, they antagonize each other and now they want me to play with them instead of working out. I feel guilty so I end up stopping my workout to play with them.

I tried to work out with them in the room but at some point, they get fidgety and start climbing on the equipment. It's a struggle. And the wife can't really help because she's stuck in traffic. In this area, a 30 minute commute easily turns into a 90 minutes.

Best of luck.

deannarey13 · December 2011

I did the same thing for about 6 months this past summer. I felt incredibly guilty and missed my son like crazy.

Since then, I have found some balance. I work out 2 weekdays and both Saturday and Sunday. On the weekdays, I go before work when I can (about half the time) so that I am exercising when he is sleeping and at home in the evening with him.

Not only have I been home more, but I have found that I am actually getting better results letting my body rest a little more.

Should I feel guilty??? What next???

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