26-year-old actor and coach re-starting weight loss journey

Hiiii, everyone. I've been on MFP for a long time now but I've kept everything private and have avoided talking on the forums, mostly because I'm shy, but then my partner (inaspaceship) came forward and got chatty, so ... um. Here we go.

I've been overweight since childhood. The first time I remember being hyper-aware of it was when I was 12 and my doctor told me I weighed 175, and since then I've struggled with my weight. It's particularly hard being involved in theatre, since there are certain expectations for how actors need to look. However, I've used my weight to my advantage for most of my life, being cast in roles that no one else was big enough to fill. I used to see it as a major disadvantage (Why can't I be pretty and thin and be the ingenue?) and now I see it as my primary advantage (I get to show off my acting chops by sinking my teeth into the very best character roles that these ingenues can't do).

However, despite this change in attitude I'm not happy with my weight. In 2008 and 2009, I got healthy and I lost 45 pounds, getting down to about 198 lbs. I was stronger, happier, and way healthier, even if I was a size 16. I've gotten back up to my heaviest weight since 2007 (240 lbs) after some stressful life/job changes that left me eating out constantly. It destroyed my bank account as well as my waistline, but eating out was pretty much my only comfort and way to connect with my girlfriend after a long day.

And right now my weight is my biggest inhibitor. I don't like being photographed and I don't like being watched, which for an actor is, uh, the worst thing that can happen. Instead of thinking that people see me for my talent, I think they see me as the fat girl who looks out of place on stage. As an actor and as an acting teacher I need to be comfortable with people looking at me without worrying if they're noticing my self-conscious areas. I don't feel good, I don't feel comfortable, and I want to love and appreciate my body (which as an actor is my instrument). I want to live up to my full potential and stop making choices that hurt it.

So right now my goal is to get back to 200 pounds, and after that we'll see where I go. I plateaued around 200 before and will need to change strategies. I just want to be where my body is most comfortable and healthiest, and if that's at a super-fit size 16, then that's where it is! I'm just sick of being tired, self-conscious, and unhealthy.

Sooo hi, MFP!