Did she just say that?

FitRodr
FitRodr Posts: 353 Member
edited October 7 in Motivation and Support
Since Christmas I've been struggling with something my mom said. Someone gave me a compliment, saying look at you all skinny. My mom said, well she doesn't need to lose anymore, she looks too thin, when she gets too thin, she looks old and her face looks saggy. Others chimed in that I look great. But her comment has set right in my gut.

First, I have a great mom.. she's always been there for me. But for some reason, maybe because she's always struggled with her weight, or whatever it is, she can't give me a compliment. She keeps saying I am too skinny. I am not! Really people. I weighed 244 lbs at 5'10. I'm down to 154. That's an excellent healthy weight. I'm done losing but I want to gain muscle and tone things up. I've worked really hard for this and I will have to pay attention the rest of my life. This is a forever change for me.

I know, I've read a thousand times where others struggle with family support. I'm just sad and frustrated. Thanks for listening/reading.
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Replies

  • wildkatt7
    wildkatt7 Posts: 163 Member
    I have friends that just don't get why I always need to count my calories... so I get it... but remember you didn't lose the weight for compliments, or family, or anything other than your health and well being... feel free to tell your mom that.... and offer your help...she may need it
  • Katbaran
    Katbaran Posts: 605 Member
    From your pictures, you look just right and NOT old and saggy! Moms can be really hard on daughters. My Mom is the same way. She was remarking how I still have so far to go and so much to lose while handing me a big, honkin' piece of coffee cake. She doesn't understand why I don't just give up and accept the fact that I will always be fat.

    Same kind of negativity. Tune it out. You look great. I'll bet you FEEL great too and that's what is important! YOU ARE IMPORTANT!
  • chocciechip
    chocciechip Posts: 207 Member
    :( sorry to hear it, it's such a shame when you get so many brilliant compliments and just one comment can undermine all the others. I found that too, that it's throwaway jealous remarks (whether the speaker meant it or realised it) by those who are struggling themselves.
  • jhardenbergh
    jhardenbergh Posts: 1,035 Member
    My parents are great too, they keep asking me when I'm gonna stop and then ask me how much I weigh now, they are like the only people I won't tell. I don't know why, but it's stupid. When they ask I tell them alot less than you. I think if I tell them, they will hound me to stop, so I don't tell. Granted I am still technically obese by BMI standards. I am just waiting for the comments on my looks to happen. Hasn't yet though, but I can feel it coming.
  • JayneWilson1963
    JayneWilson1963 Posts: 543 Member
    Sorry to hear this, I experienced close to the same thing with my Mom. My Mom is a great person and has many good qualities, but like you said, it's hard for her to compliment me on anything, It makes me sad, but I try to push it out of my mind and stay focused on my journey. That's why I love my MFP friends so much, all the support and motiviation I need. Hang in there, I know it hurts. For what it's worth, I think you did an awesome job. Stay strong and I hope 2012 is the best year yet for you.
  • shadea4455
    shadea4455 Posts: 173 Member
    I'm sorry :( I hate when I let people's rude comments get me down! But, from your profile pic you look beautiful and not old or saggy!
  • sylvuz323
    sylvuz323 Posts: 468 Member
    It's due to her own insecurities, try not to take it personally. I have someone who does the same thing, believe me it frustrates me too.
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    The things that moms say are the most hurtful of all. They don't necessarily mean to come across hurtful, but their words stick with us for life. My mom is the queen of backhanded compliments. I adore her, she's 83 and has totally lost her social filter at this point in her life and I really have to remind myself of this when I find myself bristling at her comments.

    I remember many comments, but one example is her saying, "honey, I can tell you have lost weight because your a** isn't nearly as huge as it was". LOL

    She has also told me that I need to watch how much weight I lose because I might look "haggard" if I get too thin. She's 5'4" and has weighed no more than 130 in her entire adult life. I have a looooong way to go before I will look "haggard" (I'm 5'5" and 162 as of this morning). She's always been the only thin female in the family and I think she takes pride in that, as she should.
  • RdOvt
    RdOvt Posts: 5 Member
    You are a beautiful woman! It's hard to watch others achieve their goals when it shows us that we are our only excuse. I'm sure you have a wonderful mom who loves you, and it must be hard for her to face her own reality when she sees you so successful.

    Congratulations on meeting your goal! Keep it up!
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
    Why discount all the positive comments to focus on the one negative one?
  • CaptainGordo
    CaptainGordo Posts: 4,437 Member
    Why discount all the positive comments to focus on the one negative one?
    Life's more dramatic that way.
  • cramernh
    cramernh Posts: 3,335 Member
    To be brutally honest, I stopped seeing my mother, certain family members and removed myself from a few friends I used to hang out with because I am not going to let their negativity undermine my current and ongoing efforts.

    Oddly, I ran into my mother at her jobsite a few weeks ago, and I could tell she did a double-take when she saw me... of course, i went up to say hi.. I wasnt going to look at her and then walk away....

    I get the common "why dont you come over anymore?" or I miss you and George (my husband), would love to have you over for dinner...

    ....and then.... I get the horrible words of "youre not living, why the hell would you want to listen to a doctor that tells you that 'you cant have this' and 'you cant have that'! You ARENT living, whats the point of living?"....

    At her jobsite mind you, I had to keep it gentle... and told her the simple truth: "I am living so much better by listening to my doctors and specialists and in another 35lbs lost should help me to get off a few of my medications with the way everything is going so well!"

    She couldnt say one positive thing...

    So, I told her that I needed to get my shopping finished so I could get home and cook dinner... She asked what I was making.... and as I was preparing to walk away, I told her I was making a Chicken Parmesan with shirataki noodles instead of pasta..

    She rolled her eyes... and before she could open her mouth.. I was already gone....


    I dont care if you are blood related or not... if all you can do is make me feel like s***, talk negative about me to my face and behind my back, cut down my healthy choices, and worse, telling me "you arent living"... you are NOT worth the same air space to breathe in... I want nothing to do with you....
  • WilliamsPeggy
    WilliamsPeggy Posts: 440 Member
    Holy Cow! You've lost 90 lbs.? Be proud! Sorry your mom said that. I hope you can ignore it and continue your healthy lifestyle & mission to tone up.
  • Amber82479
    Amber82479 Posts: 629 Member
    I'm sorry to hear that your mom said something that hurt your feelings so deeply. I know you're probably focusing on that comment over the positive ones because it's your mom and her opinion matters to you so much. Have you thought about talking to her about it? Maybe making light of the comment would help you clear the air and move on. I'm guessing she probably doesn't even realize she hurt your feelings...

    Sending you (((HUGS)))

    P.S.
    I think you look great in your profile pic. Try not to let anyone bring you down or undermine your efforts. You're a beautiful woman and should celebrate your success every single day!
  • IvoryParchment
    IvoryParchment Posts: 651 Member
    It's possible your mom just prefers to see you weigh more. Lots of people have that attitude. She may have seen her chubby children as a positive reflection on her mothering skills, and having you lose weight would seem like a rejection of her caring.

    I know women who have don't get any support for losing weight because their husbands want them to be Rubenesque. ("Nobody likes a bone but a dog.")

    You can't argue about people's preferences. They are what they are.
  • MissFit0101
    MissFit0101 Posts: 2,382
    Why discount all the positive comments to focus on the one negative one?

    Because the negative one came from the person who she cares a lot about ... her MOTHER.. duh
  • JulieF11
    JulieF11 Posts: 387 Member
    How about pulling her aside and telling her that she's always been a huge support for you, and that's really important to you. Tell her you noticed that lately some of her comments have come across as hurtful. Tell her that you know she didn't mean them to hurt, but you wanted to clear the air so that both of you can avoid misunderstanding each other in the future. She may just be hurting because of her own weight issue, or perhaps wants attention or something. Maybe you can avoid those comments just by letting her know how they are affecting your relationship.
  • dsjohndrow
    dsjohndrow Posts: 1,820 Member
    Well, you have done a great job!

    Why people need to be negative about others to their face, or behind their back is just childish.

    Let me say it again, you look great, and you've done a fantastic job!
  • jdlmwhitmire
    jdlmwhitmire Posts: 1
    The first time I lost all the weight and was finally at my goal weight, I tried on clothes with my forever-skinny and tall sister. We tried on the same jeans--same size and everything! I felt so good about it and her comment? "How can this be? How can we be the same size?"

    I love my sister to death and I know she did not mean to be hurtful but I have never been able to forget that comment. It was almost like it was confirmation that I am the fat sister and always will be.
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
    Why discount all the positive comments to focus on the one negative one?

    Because the negative one came from the person who she cares a lot about ... her MOTHER.. duh

    High-five on missing the point of the comment.
  • sunnyd52
    sunnyd52 Posts: 48
    I hear ya girl. I have a great mom also and she does the same thing. I've lost 35 LBS since Aug and have about 50 more to go. First she makes all kinds of remarks about me gaining weight and then she says, "don't lose to much or you'll make yourself sick". You just have to do it for yourself. You did a great job and you look beautiful in your photo. Stay with MFP and you'll get all the support you need :flowerforyou:
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    Why discount all the positive comments to focus on the one negative one?

    Because the negative one came from the person who she cares a lot about ... her MOTHER.. duh

    High-five on missing the point of the comment.

    I think you are the one missing the point. The words from our mothers can scar us like nothing else. If you can shrug it off, all the better for you. Most of us can't.
  • elenathegreat
    elenathegreat Posts: 3,988 Member
    Its a mom thing, hon. I know my own mother loves me dearly, and would scratch out anyone's eyes if they tried to hurt me, but guess what one of my birthday presents was from her last week? She gave me a gift bag FILLED with Walmart vanilla creme horns(my eternal weakness--oh the delicious creamy goodness)!!!????!!! What the heck!? I laughed out loud, thanked her sincerely, took them home and put them in the freezer. I plan to take them out serve them to her when she comes to visit...Mwhaaahahaah!!!
  • charlenekco
    charlenekco Posts: 20
    I'm so sorry you had to hear those remarks. Just remember who you lost the weight for.

    You are already an inspriation to me.
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
    Why discount all the positive comments to focus on the one negative one?

    Because the negative one came from the person who she cares a lot about ... her MOTHER.. duh

    High-five on missing the point of the comment.

    I think you are the one missing the point. The words from our mothers can scar us like nothing else. If you can shrug it off, all the better for you. Most of us can't.
    Oh wow, more MFP geniuses. I didn't somehow miss the importance of her mother. I have one as well.

    Here's the point
    TRY FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVE INSTEAD OF THE NEGATIVE.

    Sometimes you have to force yourself to do it.
  • mareowner
    mareowner Posts: 26
    Wouldn't it be neat if we could pick our family, not just our friends? You look great and probably feel like a millon bucks. I encourage you to forgive and let go to get peace. I would bet she has a lot of amazing things to say every once in a while when your not there. Focus on the positive as she isn't perfect and she will return the favor for you or someone close to you.
  • cramernh
    cramernh Posts: 3,335 Member
    Its a mom thing, hon. I know my own mother loves me dearly, and would scratch out anyone's eyes if they tried to hurt me, but guess what one of my birthday presents was from her last week? She gave me a gift bag FILLED with Walmart vanilla creme horns(my eternal weakness--oh the delicious creamy goodness)!!!????!!! What the heck!? I laughed out loud, thanked her sincerely, took them home and put them in the freezer. I plan to take them out serve them to her when she comes to visit...Mwhaaahahaah!!!


    BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!

    NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • elenathegreat
    elenathegreat Posts: 3,988 Member
    Its a mom thing, hon. I know my own mother loves me dearly, and would scratch out anyone's eyes if they tried to hurt me, but guess what one of my birthday presents was from her last week? She gave me a gift bag FILLED with Walmart vanilla creme horns(my eternal weakness--oh the delicious creamy goodness)!!!????!!! What the heck!? I laughed out loud, thanked her sincerely, took them home and put them in the freezer. I plan to take them out serve them to her when she comes to visit...Mwhaaahahaah!!!


    BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!

    NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    P.S. I did eat one for breakfast this am before they all went into the freezer(dutifully logged in, bleah!), it was truly delicious, and will haunt my dreams for quite some time...cursed be the love of a mother...
  • goodfriene
    goodfriene Posts: 6
    Let it go. Don't let her negative comment impede your success. YOU HAVE DONE GREAT!! CONGRATULATIONS!
  • weaverfit
    weaverfit Posts: 124
    I think people get used to you looking a certain way - they have a mental picture in their head. When you turn up looking different, sometimes it's hard for them to handle. And, it could be that you're a reminder to her of her struggles. She's seen your success but doesn't believe she an achieve the same, maybe. I know family comments are the hardest to take, so try to "let it go." Easier said than done, no doubt, but you need to.
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