I need to make a decision, advice needed
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jamaicanlady
Posts: 878 Member
in Chit-Chat
I’ve been planning to post this for a while but never got around to it. After just reading someone else’s post similar to this, I’m now making the plunge.
I’ve been with my b/f for 6 years and I haven’t heard him make any definite plans on a wedding date. Yes, he’s talked about marriage but he has yet to give me a date. I’m 30 and he’s 27. 2 years ago as I was approaching my 30th birthday I decided I wanted to have a child. I was of course hoping to be married first but since I really wanted a child before I was 30 I put it to him and he agreed. We now have a 17 month old daughter together and everything is going great except I WANT TO GET MARRIED.
To tell you the truth, it’s not that I want to get married so much as it is that my parents and everyone else EXPECTS me to get married. I’m constantly being asked about when we plan on getting married. It is SO annoying. But the society in which I live is one where marriage is expected if you’ve been going with someone for a while. And it doesn’t help that my father is a pastor so the pressure is on.
My thing is, I’m not getting any younger and right now I’m still cute enough to get a man (ha ha) but if I hang on waiting for my b/f to propose marriage, I might have to wait until no one wants me anymore. In terms of the relationship, everything is great. We had a few rough patches throughout the years but we’ve braved them and come out stronger for it. But I just don’t get why he hasn’t made the move to get married. We don’t live together although he wanted us to, but I just didn’t feel right about living with someone and not having a ring on my finger. So I ask you, do you think I should move on or wait a while? And if you say wait a while, how long do I wait?
I’ve been with my b/f for 6 years and I haven’t heard him make any definite plans on a wedding date. Yes, he’s talked about marriage but he has yet to give me a date. I’m 30 and he’s 27. 2 years ago as I was approaching my 30th birthday I decided I wanted to have a child. I was of course hoping to be married first but since I really wanted a child before I was 30 I put it to him and he agreed. We now have a 17 month old daughter together and everything is going great except I WANT TO GET MARRIED.
To tell you the truth, it’s not that I want to get married so much as it is that my parents and everyone else EXPECTS me to get married. I’m constantly being asked about when we plan on getting married. It is SO annoying. But the society in which I live is one where marriage is expected if you’ve been going with someone for a while. And it doesn’t help that my father is a pastor so the pressure is on.
My thing is, I’m not getting any younger and right now I’m still cute enough to get a man (ha ha) but if I hang on waiting for my b/f to propose marriage, I might have to wait until no one wants me anymore. In terms of the relationship, everything is great. We had a few rough patches throughout the years but we’ve braved them and come out stronger for it. But I just don’t get why he hasn’t made the move to get married. We don’t live together although he wanted us to, but I just didn’t feel right about living with someone and not having a ring on my finger. So I ask you, do you think I should move on or wait a while? And if you say wait a while, how long do I wait?
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Replies
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What you need is not to push him or move on. You need to really look at why you want to get married. You say yourself it's just because of pressure from other people. The heck with them! They aren't the ones getting married, you are.
Live your life the way you want. Don't live it for someone else.
Do you love your man? And how about that new baby? Would a form filed with the government and an expensive party really make all that perfect? Naaah. Listen it's not like if you're married you'll be together forever. People act like divorce doesn't exist. Most people divorce. Marriage is no more permanent than dating.
Be in love and be happy. What else do you need?
But mostly keep in mind this is the advice of a man who can barely tie his shoes. Take it with a grain of salt but then drink lots of water. Also if you're actually in Jamaica that may void everything I said...0 -
What you need is not to push him or move on. You need to really look at why you want to get married. You say yourself it's just because of pressure from other people. The heck with them! They aren't the ones getting married, you are.
Live your life the way you want. Don't live it for someone else.
Do you love your man? And how about that new baby? Would a form filed with the government and an expensive party really make all that perfect? Naaah. Listen it's not like if you're married you'll be together forever. People act like divorce doesn't exist. Most people divorce. Marriage is no more permanent than dating.
Be in love and be happy. What else do you need?
This.0 -
just propose to him. then, you have your answer on whether or not you are getting married or need to move on.0
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I think that if you love him and you know that he loves you and it isn't ACTUALLY important to you to get married just everyone else then why would you give up such a great relationship? it is not easy to find someone who will really love you be faithful to you and treat you right and if that is what you have I say stay with it. but if you really do want to get married judging by how you say he dealt with it when you brought up wanting to have a baby I think you should go to him about it. I'm not saying propose to him because that might be a bit much but tell him how you really feel. let him know that when you talk about marriage you are serious and that you want to get married sooner rather than later. I mean because if he's been with you this long, wants to live with you and wanted to have a baby with you then he obviously wants to be with you and most likely forever.0
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I think that if you love him and you know that he loves you and it isn't ACTUALLY important to you to get married just everyone else then why would you give up such a great relationship? it is not easy to find someone who will really love you be faithful to you and treat you right and if that is what you have I say stay with it. but if you really do want to get married judging by how you say he dealt with it when you brought up wanting to have a baby I think you should go to him about it. I'm not saying propose to him because that might be a bit much but tell him how you really feel. let him know that when you talk about marriage you are serious and that you want to get married sooner rather than later. I mean because if he's been with you this long, wants to live with you and wanted to have a baby with you then he obviously wants to be with you and most likely forever.0
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I think that if you love him and you know that he loves you and it isn't ACTUALLY important to you to get married just everyone else then why would you give up such a great relationship? it is not easy to find someone who will really love you be faithful to you and treat you right and if that is what you have I say stay with it. but if you really do want to get married judging by how you say he dealt with it when you brought up wanting to have a baby I think you should go to him about it. I'm not saying propose to him because that might be a bit much but tell him how you really feel. let him know that when you talk about marriage you are serious and that you want to get married sooner rather than later. I mean because if he's been with you this long, wants to live with you and wanted to have a baby with you then he obviously wants to be with you and most likely forever.0
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What you need is not to push him or move on. You need to really look at why you want to get married. You say yourself it's just because of pressure from other people. The heck with them! They aren't the ones getting married, you are.
Live your life the way you want. Don't live it for someone else.
Do you love your man? And how about that new baby? Would a form filed with the government and an expensive party really make all that perfect? Naaah. Listen it's not like if you're married you'll be together forever. People act like divorce doesn't exist. Most people divorce. Marriage is no more permanent than dating.
Be in love and be happy. What else do you need?
This.
This x 20 -
Getting married because other people think you should is one of the worst reasons I can think of to do so.0
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Amen.What you need is not to push him or move on. You need to really look at why you want to get married. You say yourself it's just because of pressure from other people. The heck with them! They aren't the ones getting married, you are.
Live your life the way you want. Don't live it for someone else.
Do you love your man? And how about that new baby? Would a form filed with the government and an expensive party really make all that perfect? Naaah. Listen it's not like if you're married you'll be together forever. People act like divorce doesn't exist. Most people divorce. Marriage is no more permanent than dating.
Be in love and be happy. What else do you need?
But mostly keep in mind this is the advice of a man who can barely tie his shoes. Take it with a grain of salt but then drink lots of water. Also if you're actually in Jamaica that may void everything I said...0 -
When you move in with a guy and have a kid with him before getting married, you're not setting yourself up in the best position for getting married. But if you still want to get married, you have to tell him and set a timeline for an engagement and a marriage. If he can't do that, then you have to make a decision if getting married is more important than being with him.0
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Tell him the milk aint' free anymore. Either put up or move out. Actually you have made life very easy for him to stay single. He is just living la viva loca. Time for him to grow up and time for you to grow up also. None of the alternatives are very good; you have to make your own decisions before you ask him to make his. What are you willing to settle for?0
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What you need is not to push him or move on. You need to really look at why you want to get married. You say yourself it's just because of pressure from other people. The heck with them! They aren't the ones getting married, you are.
Live your life the way you want. Don't live it for someone else.
Do you love your man? And how about that new baby? Would a form filed with the government and an expensive party really make all that perfect? Naaah. Listen it's not like if you're married you'll be together forever. People act like divorce doesn't exist. Most people divorce. Marriage is no more permanent than dating.
Be in love and be happy. What else do you need?
Right on! At the end of the day, you need to think about what's right for yourself, not what others want for you.0 -
What you need is not to push him or move on. You need to really look at why you want to get married. You say yourself it's just because of pressure from other people. The heck with them! They aren't the ones getting married, you are.
Live your life the way you want. Don't live it for someone else.
Do you love your man? And how about that new baby? Would a form filed with the government and an expensive party really make all that perfect? Naaah. Listen it's not like if you're married you'll be together forever. People act like divorce doesn't exist. Most people divorce. Marriage is no more permanent than dating.
Be in love and be happy. What else do you need?
This.
This x 2
^3.
Make provisions in your will for guardianship of your child if you and/or your bf are not around (although a will, period, would be a good idea). Draft a living will while you're at it.
Marriage simplifies the legality of some things we take for granted. It also simplifies the question of "relationship status".
Other than that ... Quote above^3.0 -
I'm sorry but you need to move this guy along, there is no bigger reason to need to get married than the fact that you have a child. If he is not ready to commit now then you need to move on and find someone that will jump at the chance to marry you. Don't wait for a man to commit. Marrying you should not be an option for him, it needs to happen, he's a man he should at like one and step up.0
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Getting married because other people think you should is one of the worst reasons I can think of to do so.
I agree with this comment. If everything is fine in the relationship like you say why push it. If you don't like living with someone with out having a ring than maybe you shouldn't have agreed to a kid without one either.0 -
From experience:
I'm 25 and was with the same man from 15 years old to 22. We were together for 7 years doing GREAT and living together. Some of my famiy pressured us into getting married because living together, not married, etc is sin, etc etc. I am not an extremely religious person, nor is he. So, we never really talked about marriage. We were happy and content as just "bf/gf".
Anyways, when I turned 22 we finally decided to get married because his parents wanted to see him get married, my Mom asking about it so much. Blah blah. Well, 4 months later. We separated and divorced. Marriage put a huge burden on what was already great for us.
I regret ever getting married. I loved/love him so much and was so happy. But, the pressure of marriage and the expectations that came with the marriage hurt us for some reason.
We are still friends and a lot of other crap has happened since we separated. But, stayed friends and are even talking about working things out and not getting remarried.
He ended up finding a gf before we divorced, had a kid, etc etc.
My point, I personally see no reason what-so-ever to get married if it's not WHAT YOU WANT. This is YOUR life. You need to live it how you want to. If you're happy then your family and friends should be happy for you. Live your life for yourself. Not to make everyone else happy cause it may come back around and bite you in the *kitten*.
I really hope it all works out. I don't know if this answers your questions of waiting or not and how long. But, I personally think you should do what makes you happy and what makes him happy.
Marriage doesn't make a relationship. It makes it "official", yes. But, are you happy? Content? Willing to live with him without marriage? You are having sex and had a child, but not living together cause it's not right?
Hope things work out for the best!0 -
just propose to him. then, you have your answer on whether or not you are getting married or need to move on.
This.0 -
When you move in with a guy and have a kid with him before getting married, you're not setting yourself up in the best position for getting married. But if you still want to get married, you have to tell him and set a timeline for an engagement and a marriage. If he can't do that, then you have to make a decision if getting married is more important than being with him.
I'd have to agree by wanting the child before marriage puts you in an awkward positionn and as someone else suggested why not ask him to marry you. You will know then and there his feelings at which point you know what to do next.0 -
Y'all need to be on the same page about that.
Does he want to get married? If so, when? He can't expect you to hold on forever. I don't see the point in dating someone who you don't see yourself marrying.
I've been with my fiance for 6 years, engaged for 5, and people always hound us about marriage. It's annoying. Pay for my wedding, and it'll happen tomorrow
People need to stop putting pressure on others to get married, that's why people get divorced so damn much!
I'd seriously sit him down and tell him what you want and if he can't give you that... hit the road. Adios!0 -
Personally - I wanted to be married before kids - and I got married in 2010.
I have been with my husband for 5 years. We both talked about it on and off - and it was something we both wanted.
Is it something you both want? In todays society - though some are traditional - its not look at the same way.
It is pricey - but to me - that piece of paper meant a lot. I know they say that 50% of marriages end in divorce - however I refuse to become a statistic - and I believe my husband has the same mindset. You can work through things - but I think a lot of people rush into marriage - and that's why it ends poorly. You sound like you have been with your "spouse" for quite some time - so it wouldnt be rushed...
I dont know if anything I said makes much sense - but I am pro-marriage. I guess that's my point. Just make sure you know what you are getting into. Dont push him to it - but talk about it. You need a good line of communication if you are going to make it in the long haul either way : )0
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