I need to make a decision, advice needed

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Replies

  • runnerjenn0708
    runnerjenn0708 Posts: 400 Member
    post is too long ... dang-it .. wish I could help
  • wendyprofit
    wendyprofit Posts: 7
    What you need is not to push him or move on. You need to really look at why you want to get married. You say yourself it's just because of pressure from other people. The heck with them! They aren't the ones getting married, you are.

    Live your life the way you want. Don't live it for someone else.

    Do you love your man? And how about that new baby? Would a form filed with the government and an expensive party really make all that perfect? Naaah. Listen it's not like if you're married you'll be together forever. People act like divorce doesn't exist. Most people divorce. Marriage is no more permanent than dating.

    Be in love and be happy. What else do you need?


    But mostly keep in mind this is the advice of a man who can barely tie his shoes. Take it with a grain of salt but then drink lots of water. Also if you're actually in Jamaica that may void everything I said...

    AGREE FULLY! I've been happily "engaged" to my man for 6 years. We just bought a home and don't feel any need to get married though we both have said we'd like to one day. And one day we will have a Sacred Ceremony, on OUR terms, where WE want it, WHEN we want it. Finding someone who you are happy with is one of the hardest things to do in life, and some people never find the right person. Don't let social pressure ruin a good thing.
  • Adynata
    Adynata Posts: 128 Member
    We don’t live together although he wanted us to, but I just didn’t feel right about living with someone and not having a ring on my finger.

    Wait..... you have a 17 month old child together and you don't live together? Despite being in a relationship for a good length of time?

    He wanted to make that step but you didnt because you arent married.......

    Being married doesnt make everything 'right', if you cannot live in a happy and healthy relationship with the man you love and the father of your child without a marriage certificate then what makes you think a marriage certificate is going to make any difference? Really?

    I personally think if you lived together you might have more of a chance of getting married than if you continue to live separately.

    Damn, exactly my thoughts. How can anyone deliberately plan a child with a person but not want to live with them? Living with your partner makes such a massive difference to how you view them. I would almost go so far as to say it's an essential step before marriage. Plus I'm sure it would make your kid happy.
  • slayerdan
    slayerdan Posts: 193
    I'm sorry but you need to move this guy along, there is no bigger reason to need to get married than the fact that you have a child. If he is not ready to commit now then you need to move on and find someone that will jump at the chance to marry you. Don't wait for a man to commit. Marrying you should not be an option for him, it needs to happen, he's a man he should at like one and step up.

    So not true. He has committed to you, hes with you. As someone else wrote, look at why you want to get married. And its ok for you to ask him---if he reacts negatively, then you know for certain. Do not take his marriage awkwardness as a reason to jump---if you want to go, go. If you want to get married, plant the seed by telling him and go for it.

    Do NOT subscribe to someone else opinion about if a man doesnt commit move on. There are reasons for everything----find out what they are before you simply walk away.

    Lastly, take everything here with a big grain of salt. What sometimes appears to be good advice, is the jaded opinion of a man or woman striking back at their own failed relationships. Ive done crisis and marriage and family now for 16 years, and its rarely as easy as these posts make it seem to go OR stay.

    Lots of luck to you.

    D
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    We don’t live together although he wanted us to, but I just didn’t feel right about living with someone and not having a ring on my finger.

    Wait..... you have a 17 month old child together and you don't live together? Despite being in a relationship for a good length of time?

    He wanted to make that step but you didnt because you arent married.......

    Being married doesnt make everything 'right', if you cannot live in a happy and healthy relationship with the man you love and the father of your child without a marriage certificate then what makes you think a marriage certificate is going to make any difference? Really?

    I personally think if you lived together you might have more of a chance of getting married than if you continue to live separately.

    Damn, exactly my thoughts. How can anyone deliberately plan a child with a person but not want to live with them? Living with your partner makes such a massive difference to how you view them. I would almost go so far as to say it's an essential step before marriage. Plus I'm sure it would make your kid happy.

    What the? OK, I missed pieces. Strike everything I said. This is more gamey than wild goose.
  • speedyf
    speedyf Posts: 1,571 Member
    What you need is not to push him or move on. You need to really look at why you want to get married. You say yourself it's just because of pressure from other people. The heck with them! They aren't the ones getting married, you are.

    Live your life the way you want. Don't live it for someone else.

    Do you love your man? And how about that new baby? Would a form filed with the government and an expensive party really make all that perfect? Naaah. Listen it's not like if you're married you'll be together forever. People act like divorce doesn't exist. Most people divorce. Marriage is no more permanent than dating.

    Be in love and be happy. What else do you need?


    This.

    This x 2

    ^3.

    This x4... or maybe we're at 5 now :wink:

    But if it's important to you, then you can also propose. The women can also propose you know. I personnaly think that my bf is waiting for me to propose, 'cause he already asked me in the past if I would marry him one day. But since I wasn't sure if he was joking or not ('cause he's always joking about everything), I told him I would have to think about it. He is so not the married type guy, but he never talked about it again, so I guess he was serious. :ohwell: But even if I'm 39 years old, and dreamed about that for many years, I'm just not sure that this is REALLY necessary. If we do get married one day, it will be a decision that we will both take, without any pressure, and we will do that for ourselves.
  • JellyJaks
    JellyJaks Posts: 589 Member
    :noway: Reading your post made my head hurt. I can't imagine even considering getting married because everyone ELSE wanted it. Also the whole bit about agreeing to have a child but not living together makes no sense whatsoever. If you're committed enough to bring another life into the world, I don't see why living together would be an issue.

    Life is too short to be worried about making everyone else happy. If you decide that YOU want to get married, then I would propose, If you're doing it for everyone else, you're setting yourself up for that ugly D word that costs a lot of money and takes a huge emotional toll. Contrary to what other people have said, marriage is not just a piece of paper from the government. It takes sacrifice and two people that are totally committed to each other to make it work and if you don't truly want it, how can you put that much effort into it?
  • JellyJaks
    JellyJaks Posts: 589 Member
    Oops double post
  • jamaicanlady
    jamaicanlady Posts: 878 Member
    Thanks everyone for the great advice. Can’t say I’m any closer to making a decision since there are so many different responses. Some things I should clear up:

    1. He didn’t pressure me to have a baby. (I guess some persons didn’t read the entire post.) Back then, my doctor said I had fibroids and I should try to have a child soon. I figured that while I wouldn’t be able to have a child at any age, I could certainly get married at any age so I decided to go against my better judgement and get pregnant. And I also knew that my b/f is a committed, loving person and I didn’t worry that he would turn his back on the baby. (He actually got life insurance and put me as a beneficiary BEFORE we had the baby).

    2. I don’t think I could do the proposing, that’s not me at all. I would be too afraid of rejection.

    3. Some of you think I should be able to live with him since I’m already having sex with him AND we have a baby. But I also have to consider that right now I’m not cooking for him, ironing, washing, etc. but I’d have to do all those things if we were living together. So I’m holding back SOMETHING right?

    4. Do I love him? Absolutely! Do I want to get married to him? Yes definitely. But if I wasn’t being pressured then I’d be more willing to wait.
  • LolasEpicJourney
    LolasEpicJourney Posts: 1,010 Member

    3. Some of you think I should be able to live with him since I’m already having sex with him AND we have a baby. But I also have to consider that right now I’m not cooking for him, ironing, washing, etc. but I’d have to do all those things if we were living together. So I’m holding back

    wow wow WOW
    LOL
    Who says that has to all be what you do? Its 2012. now don't get me wrong some people are still into"the woman does this"mentality.. But personally.. That won't suffice in my life. My husband does laundry and cleans. He has his fair share of chores. I do cook but only because I want to actually eat the food when its cooked LOL Z(someone once asked me why I baked my own birthday cake... Like he can bake...)
    I enjoy doing things like mowing the lawn and pruning our garden and such.. Gender roles are far less defined than the 1950s.. So if this us one thing that
  • jamaicanlady
    jamaicanlady Posts: 878 Member

    3. Some of you think I should be able to live with him since I’m already having sex with him AND we have a baby. But I also have to consider that right now I’m not cooking for him, ironing, washing, etc. but I’d have to do all those things if we were living together. So I’m holding back

    wow wow WOW
    LOL
    Who says that has to all be what you do? Its 2012. now don't get me wrong some people are still into"the woman does this"mentality.. But personally.. That won't suffice in my life. My husband does laundry and cleans. He has his fair share of chores. I do cook but only because I want to actually eat the food when its cooked LOL Z(someone once asked me why I baked my own birthday cake... Like he can bake...)
    I enjoy doing things like mowing the lawn and pruning our garden and such.. Gender roles are far less defined than the 1950s.. So if this us one thing that

    You have to bear in mind though that I live in a different culture from yours. We have yet to catch up to the US and other first world countries I suppose.
  • samantha64118
    samantha64118 Posts: 71

    3. Some of you think I should be able to live with him since I’m already having sex with him AND we have a baby. But I also have to consider that right now I’m not cooking for him, ironing, washing, etc. but I’d have to do all those things if we were living together. So I’m holding back

    wow wow WOW
    LOL
    Who says that has to all be what you do? Its 2012. now don't get me wrong some people are still into"the woman does this"mentality.. But personally.. That won't suffice in my life. My husband does laundry and cleans. He has his fair share of chores. I do cook but only because I want to actually eat the food when its cooked LOL Z(someone once asked me why I baked my own birthday cake... Like he can bake...)
    I enjoy doing things like mowing the lawn and pruning our garden and such.. Gender roles are far less defined than the 1950s.. So if this us one thing that

    You have to bear in mind though that I live in a different culture from yours. We have yet to catch up to the US and other first world countries I suppose.

    It's really not as bad as you think it is. You already do those things for yourself and your child, right? You wash your own laundry, cook yourself meals, etc. It's not that much more effort to add some more clothes to your load of laundry, and an extra chicken breast to cook in the oven..see what I mean? I wasn't thrilled about the idea of being a "housewife" at first either (he is def the old fashioned type) but you know it's not difficult, at all! Sometimes I am lazy, like yesterday I didn't do the dishes at all but he is understanding & as long is it gets done and the house isn't trashed or smelling bad, it's fine. As you get used to it, it will get easier and become routine. Don't let that be the one thing holding you back :) However, if it's your desire to wait for marriage...then wait :) And maybe even have a talk with your family and friends, ask them to back off a little.
  • jamaicanlady
    jamaicanlady Posts: 878 Member

    3. Some of you think I should be able to live with him since I’m already having sex with him AND we have a baby. But I also have to consider that right now I’m not cooking for him, ironing, washing, etc. but I’d have to do all those things if we were living together. So I’m holding back

    wow wow WOW
    LOL
    Who says that has to all be what you do? Its 2012. now don't get me wrong some people are still into"the woman does this"mentality.. But personally.. That won't suffice in my life. My husband does laundry and cleans. He has his fair share of chores. I do cook but only because I want to actually eat the food when its cooked LOL Z(someone once asked me why I baked my own birthday cake... Like he can bake...)
    I enjoy doing things like mowing the lawn and pruning our garden and such.. Gender roles are far less defined than the 1950s.. So if this us one thing that

    You have to bear in mind though that I live in a different culture from yours. We have yet to catch up to the US and other first world countries I suppose.

    It's really not as bad as you think it is. You already do those things for yourself and your child, right? You wash your own laundry, cook yourself meals, etc. It's not that much more effort to add some more clothes to your load of laundry, and an extra chicken breast to cook in the oven..see what I mean? I wasn't thrilled about the idea of being a "housewife" at first either (he is def the old fashioned type) but you know it's not difficult, at all! Sometimes I am lazy, like yesterday I didn't do the dishes at all but he is understanding & as long is it gets done and the house isn't trashed or smelling bad, it's fine. As you get used to it, it will get easier and become routine. Don't let that be the one thing holding you back :) However, if it's your desire to wait for marriage...then wait :) And maybe even have a talk with your family and friends, ask them to back off a little.

    Thanks for this...I think I AM gonna tell them to back off. Never thought about this, sounds so simple.
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