An Obstacle. . . I think I can get past this, but I just nee

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So I'm eating healthier and working out- although I haven't hopped on the scale- won't do till a week from Monday- I'm seeing some results. I'm happy with that. I've gotten compliments already. I don't make it a topic of conversation - especially around my Mom as she is struggling with obesity. She is on Weight Watchers and has dropped about 65 pounds in one year which is great- I'm proud of her. However here is where the issue is.

She gets angry when I go grocery shopping and bring in my healthy foods- I only buy few items that require refrigerating (soymilk, veggies, tofu, and salad mixes). She accuses me of taking over the kitchen, and gets really nasty about my healthy eating. She flies off the handle about my exercise habits. She says that I have that "Skinny b**** attitude"- which I don't. Anyone can be a jerk at any size, weight, etc so I don't know why she's so convinced I'm that way. She pretty much gets verbally abusive at meals when I bring different food for me to eat at the table. It's gotten to the point the last few days I haven't been eating dinner with them- and days I have off from work not eating any meals with them. I hate feeling like that's the only way I can enjoy my meals at home. One of my 2012 resolutions is to be positive and surround myself with positive people and this isn't helping. I live at home with my parents while paying for college and getting ready to join the Navy. I have some close friends who I spend time with and my surrogate Grammy and I spend Saturdays together so I know I have other venues so it's not as unbearable. It still hurts that it happens.

I think this will pass and that eventually my mom will cool down. I'm not giving up but I just need some encouragement and support from fellow users. Thank you.

Replies

  • AnnettLynn
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    She probably feels as though you're trying to change her habits along with your own, even if you're not. But don't let her negative attitude get you down. Just keep doing what you're doing, eating right and working out. Hopefully soon she will calm down.

    I no longer eat with my family unless we're going out for dinner, or for holiday meals. I try my best to keep eating healthy things, and it's more difficult for me to do so when I see them eating burgers, pizza, fries, chips, cookies, all of the bad things. Maybe you can do what I do, which I believe you mentioned you have been.

    Good luck, and don't be discouraged!
  • lonewolf620
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    Thank you.

    I just feel bad for her that she feels she has to lower herself to this level to lift herself up. It's not helping her at all.

    When I announced my plans to go vegetarian I made it clear to my folks that I was not going to try to convert them, however I did say that if they wanted to try some of the dishes I make and have leftovers from, they would be welcome to try some, no pressure whatsoever.

    Changing one's lifestyle can have such an impact on the people in one's life. My friends are cool with it, some of them have even said oh we should cook together I'd love to try some vegetarian cuisines- my surrogate Grammy and I have been trying healthier foods when I visit and/or we go out. My recruiter has said that I'm looking healthier already and that I appear to have more energy during PT tests. And on here several fellow users have given me advice and support.

    My Dad and brother deal with some of her outbursts. They like to eat take out pizza, fast food, ice cream, cookies and such- they only have those around when my Mom's at work. It doesn't bother me when they have that stuff around- I know that just because it's there doesn't mean I have to eat it. Also I figure that hey some of my food probably doesn't sound/appear appealing to them so I don't let it bug me.

    My Dad said that he and my brother were going to make whoopie pies- and my mom flew off the handle!! I mean I wouldn't have said anything if it had been me. My dad extended the offer to me if I wanted some- instead of reacting like that I calmly said "That's nice of you to consider, no thank you though. You guys go ahead and enjoy them."
  • AnnettLynn
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    Back when I was a teenager living with my mother, I decided I wanted to go on a diet. To eat healthier, not eat the bad foods anymore, and I explained this to my mother. She ended up getting a really bad attitude with me about it.

    When I lived with her, we ate out alot. McDonalds and the asian place down the street were common dinners, and when she would cook meals it wasn't too healthy. Macaroni and cheese, pizza, things like that. I explained to her that I wanted to eat more veggies, fruits, eggs, things along those lines, and she just laughed and rolled her eyes at me, and most of the time she wouldn't even buy them when she went shopping. But then at the same time, she would pick on me and harass me about my weight. I couldn't win!

    You'll get through this, though. I'm sure you will. Just keep your chin up, and keep eating right. Don't let one person get you down.
  • theroadto100
    theroadto100 Posts: 209 Member
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    My sister is a lot like that sometimes. She's not overweight or anything, but she definitely likes to eat unhealthy food. She goes to McDonalds almost every day, gets ice cream a lot, cookies, whatever she feels like. Since I started eating healthy, she'll get annoyed if I look up the calories in something or go for something low fat. I'm pretty sure it's because she's jealous she doesn't have the willpower I do to make a change. I guess you just have to try to ignore it. That's what I've ended up doing.
  • judykritikos
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    People tend to get angry when the issue is something THEY are struggling with, or feel passionate about. If your mom has dropped 65 lbs, she's doing well, but it's VERY slow going for her. That's about a pound a week, which is GOOD, but some people have so much weight to lose (over 100 lbs) that they just are tired of "dieting" and wonder if it's worth it.
    You're younger, have more self control, are really working to eat healthier. She's probably just tired of working for so long to lose weight and doesn't have the energey, stamina or desire to stay the course.
    She's probably frustrated and would LOVE to dive into some awful choices - and is fighting HERSELF, and it comes out at all of you.
    That being said - I don't know if your mom is that way normally. If she tends to get pissed off and says stuff like that - or has been that way most of the time, should be used to it by now, and realize it's not YOU, even if it is directed AT you. Difference.
    Maintain your attitude - eat the healthy way you like, and avoide the conflict. When you can't avoid it and have to comment, you can say I realize changing our life styles isn't easy, yet you've done great and you're still working hard to get even better - I'm proud of you. Walk away before she hits you with a rolling pin! lol
    Oh - as to the navy - GO ARMY! (1972-1974)...our Commander in Chief is making DRASTIC budget cuts, so stay current w/ your recruiter to be sure the program you want will still be available when you want to go in.
    Good luck!
  • lonewolf620
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    Thanks guys!!

    @ judykritikos- yeah I'm keeping current with that- I'm crossing my fingers that my Master at Arms job is still available. I don't see why it wouldn't be- it's a police job but competition maybe stiffer now but I have faith that as long as keep pushing and trucking along I'll get it.

    I should be used to her outbursts as she has always been somewhat easily angered by things but when she goes from nasty to nice "oh that's great" and then suddenly flips back to the negativity that's what's really bugging me. I'm no doctor/therapist/psychiatrist but I've always felt that if she had other ways to voice her thoughts and troubles and sought help she'd be happier. But that is up to her, I can't make that decision for her and I wouldn't make a suggestion to her about it.
  • lilibean01
    lilibean01 Posts: 68 Member
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    I can sympathize with your struggle, but don't let someone else's attitude affect your own. When I lived with my mom, I refused to let her fix vegetables for me (or any food for that matter) because she would add about 4 to 5 tablespoons of butter to 2 servings of food. She used to fly off the handle at me, too, because somehow I was "offending her by criticizing the way she likes things." More than likely, it's a reflection of her own struggles, as everyone else here has suggested. As the saying goes, "Hurt people hurt people," meaning that if someone feels less than, they will try to make others feel less than, too. If it were me, I wouldn't change what I was doing, and I'd probably just gently say, "This is a lifestyle change for me. I feel happier and better doing it. I wish you could be happy that I feel happy." And then just leave it at that. Best of luck and keep up the good work. Sometimes it's hard in such an environment, but being independently healthy & motivated will keep you happier in the long run.
  • lonewolf620
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    I can sympathize with your struggle, but don't let someone else's attitude affect your own. When I lived with my mom, I refused to let her fix vegetables for me (or any food for that matter) because she would add about 4 to 5 tablespoons of butter to 2 servings of food. She used to fly off the handle at me, too, because somehow I was "offending her by criticizing the way she likes things." More than likely, it's a reflection of her own struggles, as everyone else here has suggested. As the saying goes, "Hurt people hurt people," meaning that if someone feels less than, they will try to make others feel less than, too. If it were me, I wouldn't change what I was doing, and I'd probably just gently say, "This is a lifestyle change for me. I feel happier and better doing it. I wish you could be happy that I feel happy." And then just leave it at that. Best of luck and keep up the good work. Sometimes it's hard in such an environment, but being independently healthy & motivated will keep you happier in the long run.

    Thank you. I like what you suggested as what/how to state my thoughts to her on it. And thanks for your words of encouragement.
  • lonewolf620
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    And my mom announced this morning that she has quit Weight Watchers because of me. She thinks I'm competing against her and doing things to annoy her. .. Her opinion but that's not why I'm doing this. This is bothersome to me that she makes a decision and blames me for it. She is my mother and should know better to take responsible for her actions and decisions and not blame anyone for her own shortcomings.

    I'm not giving up. If anything- not to sound vindictive- this will be motivation for me to not quit.
  • lilibean01
    lilibean01 Posts: 68 Member
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    And my mom announced this morning that she has quit Weight Watchers because of me. She thinks I'm competing against her and doing things to annoy her. .. Her opinion but that's not why I'm doing this. This is bothersome to me that she makes a decision and blames me for it. She is my mother and should know better to take responsible for her actions and decisions and not blame anyone for her own shortcomings.

    I'm not giving up. If anything- not to sound vindictive- this will be motivation for me to not quit.

    I'm sorry to hear that things deteriorated, in a way, with her thinking it's a competition. However, it is a good thing to put how you feel about this whole thing into YOUR own motivation. There's nothing wrong about using your energy & feelings in a positive way for yourself!
  • megannicolex33
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    I'm going through almost the EXACT same thing right now. I even posted a thread about it yesterday.

    My mom seems to be okay with me losing weight, but not with the way I'm doing it. I'm trying to eat a lot healthier, exercise more, and on occasion treat myself to something like a burger if I've done well. Her theory is that you should eat whatever you want, just smaller portions. I know both ways "work" in theory, but I also know that if I'm constantly eating pizza and burgers and chinese food and whatever else that I'm NOT going to lose the weight I want to lose. For me, those things should be reserved for special occasions, not for every day meals (at least that's my new way of thinking).

    Whenever I bring up eating healthier, she just says "hmm". I went to the store yesterday to buy some healthier snacks than what she keeps in the house and she seemed really mad about it. She's quite overweight as well, so maybe our moms are feeling the exact same way. A lot of people suggested just not talking to her about my weight loss plan, which is something I'm going to have to work on. I'm really excited about this so I WANT to talk about it a lot! But I guess I'm not being sensitive to her feelings, so I'm trying to change that.

    Anyway... sorry I just wrote you a novel, just know that I completely understand where you're coming from and hopefully it gets better for both of us! Feel free to add me so we can support each other :)
  • gp79
    gp79 Posts: 1,799 Member
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    Shower her with kindness and love as soon as the negativity starts.
  • ShrinkRapt451
    ShrinkRapt451 Posts: 447 Member
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    Shower her with kindness and love as soon as the negativity starts.

    This.

    Here's the thing: for your mom this is an ongoing struggle (possibly several decades old). She's doing something that works for her, but is hard and slow and makes her feel deprived. She resents giving up food she loves. You are joyfully, and without any evidence of effort, depriving yourself of everything she struggles to say no to. And you don't have nearly as much to lose. Chances are good that she feels both judged ("your way isn't good enough, I had to do something much more drastic, and look! It's easy! haha!") and jealous. The fact that you aren't actually judging her hasn't crossed her mind; she is judging herself and displacing that feeling onto you, because it's too uncomfortable to admit that she's doing it to herself. Giving up her own weight loss program and thereby abdicating a nonexistent competition to you is childish but not surprising. Also under there is probably some anxiety about your career choice; no mother wants to imagine outliving her children.

    My advice: do not say one word about your own choices. Instead, shower her with compliments. Tell her how sad you are that she feels that she's in competition with you. About how inspired you are by her weight loss. How you see her working hard and it teaches you how to work hard. How you learned from watching her experience with WW that it helps to have a plan, and a support system, and tools to stay mindful of what you eat. How you'll miss her when you finally leave home, and you hope that she decides to keep making healthy choices for herself, so she'll be around to play with her grandchildren (if you ever intend to have any) or to enjoy time together when you have time off.

    And from time to time, ASK HER ADVICE about healthy choices. Especially if you already know what she'll say, and that it's sound. Then you can follow her advice and thank her profusely for her help. Don't forget, this woman changed your diapers and stayed up half the night when you were sick an all those other things mothers do for their children. She needs to feel like you still value her. Make it a priority to show her that you do, and she'll come around.
  • lonewolf620
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    Thanks for the support. What I am going to do is just shower her with compliments when the negativity starts up. I think that would be the best way to nip a confrontation before it even starts- also it's a mood booster. If I do that, it might let her know without saying that I think she's done a great job with Weight Watchers, that she should keep pushing along.

    I agree I shouldn't talk about my choices. I mention only once and that's it.

    My Mom has always been concerned about my career choice but she knows I'll be okay and has faith that I know what I'm doing. She was more stressed at first about it but as time has passed she's cool with it.