Can't I have a NORMAL relationship with my sister? Advice P

Aviendha_RJ · January 2012

Novel... sorry... but I need to get this off my chest a bit. I really would like some advice.

CONTEXT: my sister? Favourite child growing up... quiet... reads a lot... popular at school... well behaved... near-perfect grades in school (High school: 99% Math, 98% English, "can't put 100% on the report, it doesn't fit, so here's your 99%)... every parent's DREAM. Me? Annoying as hell... so much energy...never shut up...had NO friends my own age... absolute show off. Straight up: I was an annoying BRAT, & now that I'm 29, people think it's funny to tell me this. Well... guess what? I know I was, I was there. I had NO SELF ESTEEM because I had a perfect sister. Really. Person in this world I MOST wanted to be? Her. She was everything I wasn't.

NOW: we're both grown, she's 33, I'm 29. She's a stay-at-home mom, her husband has a great job, they have 2 awesome little boys: ages 6, 4 & 1/2, 2 cats, 1 hamster... mini-van.... Me? Single, but dating a Cop. My finances are in the toilet because I bought a rental house, & just lost my job, & now I have to sell the thing. And I'm in University part-time.

BACK IN THE DAY: when I went to College instead of University. (In Canada: College, 2-3 year practical program... University, a 4-year Post-Secondary). My grades? A+/Honours. Hers? Steady Bs. Her response to me: "Well, you'd never be able to get grades like that in University. University is WAY harder. College is like... high school all over again. Any idiot can get straight As in College. I doubt you'd EVER see an A in University".

FAST FORWARD: 10 years. I'm in University part-time now. I'm taking a Business Bachelor of Arts program on a part-time basis, because after 5 years in Banking, I want to be an Accountant. I took 2 classes last semester. My grades? Both Classes.... 99%. WHY can't I tell my sister? WHY didn't I tell ANYONE my grades? I was afraid of what she would say... what she'd take away from me. She's this charismatic, bubbly, PERFECT person... this... Dr Jekyll... who turns Mr Hyde whenever I enter the room. She has a different tone of voice that she uses with me than the one she uses with everyone else. And I HATE it. Why does she do this? Probably because she KNOWS I always secretly idolized her as a kid. I've been seeking HER approval my entire life, & NEVER gotten it. But why do I NEED it so much?

TODAY: big family function, about 40 relatives. I tried being in the same conversation with her, & I got the same snippy, snide remarks I have always gotten. I watched her eyes roll as I was talking to my Aunt, & that exasperated "ok, no one cares, shut up already" look on her face. People never saw it, she does it when they're not looking but I am. I didn't respond. I walked away. Same thing I've done all my life.

Found out a while back that people DO see it. This is openly DISCUSSED by my extended family, & no one understands why she's like this. Neither do I. I found out? I am actually an object of PITTY among my family. Nice, isn't it? I was her bridesmaid for the pretty picture in my dying mother's head (Dad agrees). I was chosen Godmother to her 2 boys because of social convention...I'm her sister, our mother is dead: it's what you do. She'd rather the OTHER Godmother, a friend raise her boys (Stepmom & Dad agree). But... it's what's expected.

My sister has also lost weight recently.... like 50lbs of "baby weight" .... she's back around to about the size she was when she got married & then pregnant. But I can't celebrate with her. I feel like... if I mention it to her, I'm going to get shut down AGAIN. Like... I can't even share my own "almost to my goal" journey with her. I lost about 25/30lbs all told. And I got 99% in BOTH of my classes. Why can't I tell my sister? Why... when it comes to HER do I have absolutely no self-confidence?

QUESTION: Why can't I even congratulate her on HER success, without feeling like *I'VE* failed in some way? Why can't I share MY success with her?

tross0924 · January 2012

Have you tried talking to her about it? Maybe start off telling that you feel like you can't celebrate her successes even. Tell her you're very proud of what she's done but you feel like _________. See if she'll talk to you about it and maybe she'll tell you why.

inammorata · January 2012

Sister-ly relationships can be rocky, I speak from experience. But yes you should just talk to her, you are both adults. Why are you afraid to share your success? A key to building up your self esteem is focusing on your accomplishments and not always comparing yourself to your sister. If anything I'd hope that she would be supportive. Remember nobody can make you feel bad without your permission.

dlaplume2 · January 2012

Because your straining so hard looking up at her pedestal instead of looking around at your own lily pad.

You need to start looking at your own accomplishments and successes and stop comparing them to hers. Her accomplisments and successes are hers and they will be different than yours. Once you realize that, you will be able to sincerely compliment her on hers.

Best wishes to you, it's a hard balance.

kristenn1989 · January 2012

Sisterly relationships are always going to be wonky in my experience. However, have you considered that all this behavior might stem from jealousy? Or over something that happened when you were young that she never got over?

Also,

don't let her get you down. you should celebrate your awesome marks and your amazing progress on your weight loss. Contrary to what she said "college isn't a bird course" and getting high marks in uni is something you should be proud of. you've worked for it.

blissfuldrake · January 2012

I was born on my sister's 19th birthday. She never let me forget that I was the spoiled brat of the family. Whenever I had anything, she had it first. Don't get me wrong, I knew she loved me and she never treated me the way your sister seems to be treating you.

My speculation, from what you have written:

1) You sister is a profoundly unhappy

person. Her perfect seeming life is NOT perfect, and I would say probably worse than not perfect.

2) Your sister is jealous

because you are now being what she was in a happier time....perfect, accomplished, admired. She is jealous of the positive kudos you get. Every time you mention a positive thing about yourself sends a big nasty spear through her psyche and heart.

3) She needs positive reinforcement from you. Don't mention to her your accomplishments...she's already heard about them from your Dad, step-Mom, other family members. Just skip it.

Neyah, there are different kinds of 'normal'. This is normal for you and your sister. To change it, I would advise counseling for both of you, together and separately, if you can afford it. Other than that, you will just have to change how you interact with her, if you interact with her at all.

Good Luck!

kristen11joy · January 2012

You are smart and beautiful, You seem less controlled by "convention" -- and perfection is pretty tough on a person. Maybe she's jealous? Maybe she just doesn't "get" you -- and people sometimes don't like what they don't understand. If she's living her life by a set of rules that don't seem to apply to you...
I'm the older "goody-goody" sister in my family. And sometimes I just don't get my sister (although I'm not mean about it!) And sometimes I don't agree with her decisions (although I wouldn't tell her that unless she asked).
I agree that (from what you've said) it doesn't seem like sharing your victories with her is going to get a positive response. If the relationship is really what you're after, try admiring her accomplishments (weight loss, cute kids etc) and ask her advice (even if you don't intend to follow it -- it shows respect for a person). If all that negativity is dragging you down, limit your contact, discuss the weather, and find other people to celebrate your accomplishments with you.

Can't I have a NORMAL relationship with my sister? Advice P

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