What would you do if.....

RainbowDream83
RainbowDream83 Posts: 91
edited October 7 in Chit-Chat
Few questions, looking for honest, serious opinions.




1.) You we're living with your spouse and their younger brother.
An argument arises, and your spouse tells you "He (the brother) lived here first."

How would that make you feel?

2.) Your spouse wants you to "be the way you used to be (happy etc,)" but.....
They are only willing to change "If you change first."

How would that make you feel?

3.) Your spouse tells you later in an argument that things that were said before by them
Was said because they were "convenient at the time" or was said "Just to shut you up."

Your take on that?

Replies

  • Pams_Shadow
    Pams_Shadow Posts: 233 Member
    1) :indifferent: I'd feel like I didn't matter as much as the brother. That given the choice, the brother comes before me.
    * I've been on the other side, I told my boyfriend that my sister lived there first. I didn't care as much for him as my sister.

    2) :sick: Do you want to be happy? Are you happy now? Do you honestly think he will change if you do? If your answers were Yes, No, Yes. Then change. Otherwise, think about what you need to make you happy.

    3) :mad: This is how I run an argument when I either don't really care about the other person or I am really angry and want to hurt the other person. Did you say things in the argument for the same reasons? Be honest. If not, then you need to decide if you should let him treat you that way.

    :bigsmile: :brokenheart: :huh: Disclaimer: I am single. :happy: I date when I feel like it, but I'm not the marrying, one-guy, fall in love stay together forever type. :noway: So keep this in mind when reading my answers. :grumble:

    :glasses: Never let the fear of being alone keep you in a crappy relationship!

    Best of luck! :wink:
  • dlaplume2
    dlaplume2 Posts: 1,658 Member
    I'm thinking there was something else that started the argument. Those things were said to distract you from the real reason he was mad. I would wait until he calms down and then you need to talk about this. You are married now and no one on either side of your family should get between your loyalties. He needs to understand this now.

    My husbands family is very disfunctional. They are mean and spiteful people. My husband has never ever once took thier side over mine. We have been married 18 years this spring.

    You need to look at the incident that happened between you and his brother, and decide if it can be worked out. If it can then, work on it. If it cant' then your husband needs to plan an exit stategy for the brother. It is not like he was planning on living there forever. He's not like 10 or anything, right?

    Best of luck.
  • tashajayne2011
    tashajayne2011 Posts: 288
    Honestly? A combination of all 3 would prompt me to leave because he clearly does not hold your emptional wellbeing in very high regard!

    He sounds like a bit of an *kitten* actually.
  • AllanMisner
    AllanMisner Posts: 4,140 Member
    1) Enjoy sleeping with your brother, because you're not sleeping with me.
    2) I live my life for me, any changes are going to be for myself and not driven by what they want.
    3) Wish I'd have known they were bat$h*t crazy before I married them. Ask them if they minded if I did the same thing next time we fight. And I would.

    Edit to add: I'm divorced/single, if you hadn't guessed.
  • Nitachi
    Nitachi Posts: 142
    Honestly? A combination of all 3 would prompt me to leave because he clearly does not hold your emptional wellbeing in very high regard!

    He sounds like a bit of an *kitten* actually.

    This^
  • RainbowDream83
    RainbowDream83 Posts: 91
    First off, thank you all for your responses....

    Secondly here's some more info (I should've added earlier)

    Both him and the younger brother have no job (the younger brother is 20, and getting ready to move back in with mom in a couple weeks)

    I'm awaiting my disability/ssi.
    I have PCOS, severe depression issues, anxiety, ptsd, bipolar type 2.....I got denied my first hearing and an now awaiting my second one.

    I told him before I moved down to where we are now...I didn't want to have any stress financially (worrying about body wash, shampoo, etc,)
    He promised me, I wouldn't have to worry about anything. (I knew he didnt have a job at the time, but he was looking)

    It's been almost 2 years now, and no job...He now says he has mental issues just like me, and I shouldnt judge him for it.
    Anytime I bring up the money situation, he tells me to go get a job because after I was denied my disability - I should have went and looked for a job, and tells me that I'm not going to get my disability!!!

    He wants to know the password(s) to all my sites, who I'm talking to etc,...
    I already had to give up most friends I have ever had because he said they were'fake' friends.
    I can understand the password thing if you think your spouse is cheating on you.....but
    I don't go anywhere, I live at the end of a dead end holler....There are no sidewalks.
    There's never money for gas in the car. I have no friends/family that call (NEVER). (family is alot of my depression)
    I feel I'm trapped and unwanted...
  • erin755
    erin755 Posts: 11
    I have said things before in the heat of an argument, things u didnt mean but u knew would cause hurt! Confront him and ask how he really feels,, and wud he feel better if u left? Because u r taking it seriosli, he will freak out and apologise for fear of losing u.
  • erin755
    erin755 Posts: 11
    okay, didnt read dat last comment from u! He is a spoilt brat, get out of there because he is going to do more bad than good. U deserve someone who treats u better, looks after u, nd wants to help u get better!
  • cobracars
    cobracars Posts: 949 Member
    It's been almost 2 years now, and no job...He now says he has mental issues just like me, and I shouldnt judge him for it.
    Anytime I bring up the money situation, he tells me to go get a job because after I was denied my disability - I should have went and looked for a job, and tells me that I'm not going to get my disability!!!

    I'm not very good at commenting on how you are supposed to feel as I am not you, not in your situation, and wasn't present at the time of the incident you are describing. But as far as your overall situation, your husband is right but not for the reasons he said the above comment. He probably said it to hurt you and possibly to take the focus off his lack of finding a job.
    I think if you find work, any kind of work, it will
    (1) make you feel useful
    (2) expose you to other people who may become friends (a partial substitute for the family you miss)
    (3) give you something to look forward to
    (4) provide at least some income
    (5) help you see light at the end of the tunnel.

    The reality is you may not qualify for your hoped-for disability. People in wheelchairs have jobs. Blind people have jobs. I work with a guy who has a replacement arm. Those people could probably qualify for disability pretty easily but they choose to work. Although you MAY eventually qualify to stay home and collect money that other people earned and paid in taxes to support you the only way you will get better, get stronger, get happy is to provide for yourself. It will give you the ability to do anything you want in life and not have to rely on others.
  • stephabef
    stephabef Posts: 936 Member
    I'd probably hit the road. Especially after #2. You can't change a person and vice versa.
  • Prozack1964
    Prozack1964 Posts: 318
    Hun I have been through all that already if he saying that brother lived there first then you are taking a back seat to him and thats not right at all and I would have to tell him then u sleep with yr brother have get your sex there if he first in your life and not me it really sounds like your guys need to watch the movie fire proof and read the 5 love languages and see if you 2 can get back on the right track but it will take both not just one and do alot of praying to God about it. With Gods help anything can be fixed my wife and I have been married for 25 years and she has cheated 5 times on me and 1 of our kids may or may not belong to me I have been mr mom to the kids and dad shes really had nothing to do with them other than giving birth to them but now thanks to God and us watching that movie and reading that book we are slowing working on making our marriage better it seems
  • RainbowDream83
    RainbowDream83 Posts: 91
    Although you MAY eventually qualify to stay home and collect money that other people earned and paid in taxes to support you the only way you will get better, get stronger, get happy is to provide for yourself. It will give you the ability to do anything you want in life and not have to rely on others.
    You think I WANT disability?? You think I haven't TRIED to work??

    How about YOU take the flashbacks I have daily from getting sexually abused when I was younger.
    How about YOU remember what their faces look like.
    How about YOU deal with the life I've been dealt...Not to mention other things/stuff you don't know about me.
  • RainbowDream83
    RainbowDream83 Posts: 91
    If I were to tell him to sleep with his brother then (trust me, I have thought about it)
    He would only say "That's real mature." something to that nature...

    I can't even talk to him about God, as he doesn't believe in God :(
  • DWilbanks
    DWilbanks Posts: 420 Member
    He'd be my EX spouse. nuff said?
  • Munque
    Munque Posts: 123
    The reality is you may not qualify for your hoped-for disability. People in wheelchairs have jobs. Blind people have jobs. I work with a guy who has a replacement arm. Those people could probably qualify for disability pretty easily but they choose to work. Although you MAY eventually qualify to stay home and collect money that other people earned and paid in taxes to support you the only way you will get better, get stronger, get happy is to provide for yourself. It will give you the ability to do anything you want in life and not have to rely on others.

    They way you said this comes off rude and insensitive, only because we don't know her whole story or what she's gone through, emotional issues can be just has dibilitating as physical, I say this because I have a friend with PTSD because she was in the pentagon on 911, and I've seen what flashbacks do to her, I also have a disabled daughter who will possibly be on disability when she is older because she doesn't have the physical strength or the mental capacity to be safe at most jobs. So not all people are milking the system, though I understand your frustration with those that are.

    On another note, everything else said in your post is true. It's good advice.

    To the OP: Doing something, anything outside of the home could help you tremendously. I will not give you relationship advice because there are always more sides to the story then what we are getting here online. But with your own problems, seek counseling, most places have centers with income based fees. Find work that understands your issues and are willing to work around them, even if it's volunteer work. The power of self accomplishment is an amazing thing.
  • Redness82
    Redness82 Posts: 134 Member
    You have answered your own questions dear. You feel unwanted and unloved. Leave.

    Find someone that you are able to talk about these things with. Move on with your life. And I'm not saying relationships don't take hard work, but you need get yourself back on track and be happy about who you are before you can truly be happy with someone else.
  • bluestarlight19
    bluestarlight19 Posts: 419 Member
    I would leave. Find a place to stay, be on your own for a while, and just work on your issues and fix yourself. Find out who you are inside and what you are capable of without anyone else around. Are you seeing a doctor? You should be, they can help you out more than anyone on the internet can. If you are seeing a doctor, have you discussed your family life issues with them? They could give you better advice as they know you and your situation more. If you have faith in god, and he doesn't, start by going to a church to get out of the house. They can help you out tremendously by just giving you resources/options and even some one to talk to. Good luck hun :)
  • La_Amazona
    La_Amazona Posts: 4,855 Member
    I didn't experience #1... I would had been WTFing until next Friday though!!

    With #2 and #3.. Been there done that.. and that's why we are getting divorced. I'm not saying you should of course, but after years of living with such a selfish man, I couldn't do it another second. To be told one thing then the opposite is just mind f*cking at it's best. That kind of treatment can really mess with your self esteem and the security you should feel with your spouse.
  • sweetmelissa222
    sweetmelissa222 Posts: 290 Member
    1.) I've been witness to a relationship where it became necessary for that person to decide between their spouse and their siblings, she choose her brothers and her husband left because of that decision. I feel like it was the right thing to do though, because at the end of the day he was isolating her from her family. Now in this case I wouldn't say something like you have to choose who is more important or anything like that. I might express that I feel like my opinion isn't valued and while his brother lived there first, I live their now as well and we all need to either be happy together or find an alternative to living together.

    2.) I would express that it isn't possible, that you need to change together. I don't have a happy switch and neither do you. Your relationship is obviously stressed, which makes you unhappy. In order to be happy, you have to be happy together.

    3.) This was probably said out of anger, it doesn't take away the sting of it at all, but I wouldn't be sure he meant it.

    Regardless of all of this, I think I would feel a fluctuation between really angry and really sad.
  • cabaray
    cabaray Posts: 971 Member
    If it were me, a swift kick to the balls and a divorce attorney. Sorry, but your husband sounds like a real *kitten*.
  • nenamartinez
    nenamartinez Posts: 140 Member
    That guy is a douche.

    You wouldn't want someone you loved to stay in relationship where they felt so devalued. Why would you permit yourself to stay in a relationship like that?

    Treat yourself more preciously than that.
  • Shanna_Inc86
    Shanna_Inc86 Posts: 781 Member
    1) :indifferent: I'd feel like I didn't matter as much as the brother. That given the choice, the brother comes before me.
    * I've been on the other side, I told my boyfriend that my sister lived there first. I didn't care as much for him as my sister.

    2) :sick: Do you want to be happy? Are you happy now? Do you honestly think he will change if you do? If your answers were Yes, No, Yes. Then change. Otherwise, think about what you need to make you happy.

    3) :mad: This is how I run an argument when I either don't really care about the other person or I am really angry and want to hurt the other person. Did you say things in the argument for the same reasons? Be honest. If not, then you need to decide if you should let him treat you that way.

    :bigsmile: :brokenheart: :huh: Disclaimer: I am single. :happy: I date when I feel like it, but I'm not the marrying, one-guy, fall in love stay together forever type. :noway: So keep this in mind when reading my answers. :grumble:

    :glasses: Never let the fear of being alone keep you in a crappy relationship!

    Best of luck! :wink:

    This EXACTLY
  • Pocket_Pixi
    Pocket_Pixi Posts: 1,167 Member

    I feel I'm trapped and unwanted...
    You have just answered your own questions. If you are feeling trapped and unwanted perhaps it is timy to re-*kitten* the situation and remove yourself at the first chance you get.

    You are responsible for making you happy, you are dealing with a lot of things in your own life, your spouse should be the one person who stands behind you and supports you no matter what. Leaving and starting over may cause some serious anxiety but it will probably be the best thing you can do for yourself.
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