Husband discouraging...

kailysimpson
kailysimpson Posts: 56
edited October 7 in Motivation and Support
Anyone else dealing with a discouraging significant other?? I love my husband, he's fantastic, but when it comes to me losing weight, he's a pain in my *kitten*. I really really really love and appreciate that he loves me just the way I am, I am thankful for that so much and I tell him that all the time - but he's not happy with the amount of weight that I want to lose. He asked me what my goal weight was and I said 150 and he didn't say anything... so a few days later we were eating dinner and he says "I want to talk to you about something you said, and maybe you were messing with me, but this is serious." so I got kind a freaked out that this was maybe something really serious - and he asks "you said your goal weight was 150..." and I said (relieved that it wasn't something SERIOUS) "yes...?" and he was like "that's too skinny. I like your @ss just how it is."

I seriously didn't know what to say to him... He was serious! And I said "so you want me to be 300 pounds forever? How many 60 year old women walking around are 300 pounds?!" And he was like "ya, I know.. but... I like you how you are." Seriously? Get off it! I wanted to yell at him, this is MY body! I don't want to be fat and unhealthy and feel like crap about MYSELF all the time! This is NOT about YOU! This is about ME! Get OVER yourself!

But, every time I have *tried* losing weight, he is supportive but... not. It's a difficult dichotomy to describe. He won't say anything directly discouraging, and he will say "you're doing great babe" etc. but... if I try to get him to go for a walk with me, he picks a fight with me and makes it miserable the whole time, or if I cook something healthy for dinner, he has a fit, refuses to eat it ,and then I feel guilty about it (I solved this: I cook for myself now) but I just get the feeling that he will sabotage me in a more manipulative way, and not necessarily with malicious intent - it's more of a subconscious act. I tried talking to him about it but he just got offended. IDK, but this is a struggle... I don't like the feeling of insecurity within myself being huge and fat, but I also don't like the insecure feeling that I have thinking "if I weight 150, he won't want me anymore." I know this is a weird scenario, but I dunno how to deal with it. I never thought I would have to be worried that I was TOO THIN for my husband... I guess you like what you like. I was about 230 when I met him, and he said that if I got to 230 I would be "perfect." (having babies = getting more fat lol) And that's fine, but that's still an unhealthy weight and I dunno if I'm okay with that. I guess I'll have to see when I get there. I'm doing great so far and I don't want to be derailed by a whole other set of insecurities... Blah. Sorry this was so super long!

Replies

  • dovesgate
    dovesgate Posts: 894 Member
    He may be worried that he will lose you if you get to 150.

    If he isn't supportive, don't bring it up with him. If you do, tell him you're just trying to get back to 230. When you get to 230, if he asks if you're done just tell him your pants are still just a bit too tight so another 10 or so. Keep rationalizing it for him and he may not care as much.
  • kailysimpson
    kailysimpson Posts: 56
    He may be worried that he will lose you if you get to 150.

    If he isn't supportive, don't bring it up with him. If you do, tell him you're just trying to get back to 230. When you get to 230, if he asks if you're done just tell him your pants are still just a bit too tight so another 10 or so. Keep rationalizing it for him and he may not care as much.

    LOL so go with the "men are dumb" approach? I like it... :p
  • dovesgate
    dovesgate Posts: 894 Member
    Not exactly. I mean, I'm not in favor of treating our husbands like idiots. However, when our husbands are not in favor of something like getting healthy to live a nice long time together, we just have to do what we need to do for ourselves but make them feel good about it. We're still ourselves even though we are part of a whole.

    Besides, when you take into account the amount of time it takes to lose 70lbs in the first place, hopefully your new healthy habits will be so ingrained that you're going to keep them up just because it makes you feel good. And when you hit that point, you can tell him you feel weird if you don't get your walk in. New healthy foods can be "Oh my friend said she just tried it and loved it so I thought I would try it too!" So no... not "Men are dumb". More like women are smart and sneaky to get what we want if we have to. :P
    (I'm so going to get flamed for that HA)
  • sarvissa
    sarvissa Posts: 70 Member
    It's not that he won't want you when you are 150, it's he's afraid you won't want HIM. He seems a bit insecure... at 150 you will be rather thin and attractive, guys will be paying attention to you. He believes that because of all the attention you are going to get that you'll find someone better and dump him. Trust me, I've lived this scenario.
  • LabRat529
    LabRat529 Posts: 1,323 Member
    OP, I would love to find a man as loving and as supportive as your husband seems to be. Yes he IS being supportive- he wants you to be healthy and he doesn't think 150 lbs is healthy.

    Maybe, instead of getting frustrated and upset, you can tell him "Thank you so much for loving me. Thank you so much for being concerned. Thank you so much for having the courage to talk to me about your concerns. I want to lose weight for my health, so why don't we work on that together. We can get a doctor involved (if one isn't already involved), and we can decide later if 150 is too skinny. For now, let's just focus on 10 lbs at a time."

    If you need to, outline the health risks for him and remind him that he's in danger of losing you to a heart attack, stroke, or diabetes if you remain at your current weight.
  • maryjay51
    maryjay51 Posts: 742
    there are men out there that like the plumper look.. but most the time the significant other doesnt want the other person to change out of fear for many things ..sometimes its control..sometimes its fear of losing you..sometimes its out of inferiority complex if you are better than them .. keep doing what you are doing. if he doesnt want you when you hit your goal there a many out there that will.
  • elysia81
    elysia81 Posts: 21
    The fact is weight loss and weight gain are incredibly personal and many things need to change for the process to fully work as in most cases it is a complete lifestyle change. There will be lots of people around you who will be discouraging, they get used to you as a certain personality (which is equated with a certain size) or worse they don't take you seriously ("oh don't worry about your diet, just have some cake, you don't want to be like Paris Hilton" - you wouldn't offer alcohol to an alcoholic so why is it that people are always encouraging bad eating habits?? Simple fact is, I'll never be like Paris Hilton, I just want to make sure I don't get heart disease or puffed after walking up three flights of stairs.

    In most cases you can just ignore these people, or politely tell them that they are being an *kitten*, however, this is your partner and you need to have a serious discussion with him to completely clear the air because you will need his support and find out the real reasons behind his discouragement (does he not want to go on a diet with you because he likes being unhealthy and feels guilty if you are, is he concerned you will change your personality? is he worried you'll become a gym nut? is he scared of actually saying "yes you should lose the weight" because he thinks that he is being nice and encouraging by telling you not to change? Maybe he just thinks that 150 is unrealistic and doesn't want you to be disappointed?)

    You need to spell out to him that this is something important, that you need to do for your health, and that some things will change and need to change. The things that need to change are lifestyle, which of course your husband is a big part of so sit down and work out together what changes you can make together and what changes you'll make by yourself. Maybe you say that on Tuesday nights, that is always your gym night and he has to encourage that and can go meet up with the boys, and on Thursdays you want to go for a walk and it would be great if he came, but if he doesn't want to that's fine too.

    I think if you get him involved in the plan then that will help him take it seriously, also, if you set smaller goals and plan for just the next six months, then you can review and go on from there.

    Good luck!
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    Don't yell at him. My boyfriend made similar comments (which is funny because I was much smaller when we first got together). I just told him I appreciated how he felt, but that I wasn't losing weight for anyone but myself. He used to tell me that he was the only one whose opinion should matter about my body (meaning other men and women). I told him that *my* opinion was the one that mattered most and *I* wasn't happy.

    Basically, I told him it was fine he felt that way, but I was losing for me and that's too bad. lol
  • finding_my_way
    finding_my_way Posts: 174 Member
    I have been in a similar situation. I think guys' self esteem may play a big part in this. They may be afraid that you will no longer find him as attractive or that you might cheat when you get more male attention. I find it extremely frustrating when my SO offers me really bad food that he knows I do not need (and normally I can resist the temptation but I have asked him repeatedly to NOT try to sabotage the weightloss goals).
  • Hikaru37
    Hikaru37 Posts: 177 Member
    More like women are smart and sneaky to get what we want if we have to. :P
    (I'm so going to get flamed for that HA)

    :laugh: :heart:
  • margo36
    margo36 Posts: 222 Member
    You need to have a talk with him to find out why he feels this way. Surely he would like to have a fit healthly you rather someone he is going to lose prematurely. As for him not eating healthy meals. Healthy Meals are good for everyone regardless of whether they need to lose weight or not. My slim partner eats the same meals as me only more of it. I just add extra veg to bulk my meals out and he will probably have a few more potatoes or pasta with his meals. No way would I cook two meals. If your partner doesn't want to go for a walk either go on your own or take the children take out walking, cycling or swimming.
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