Do you have toxic work conditions?

First off, I apologize that this is SO long. I am just at my whit’s end and need advice. Does anyone else have this issue, or am I alone out here? Yes, I know many of us hate or dislike our jobs, but has it affected your diet and lifestyle? If so what have/do you do about it? Here’s my situation, any positive feedback would be greatly appreciated.

I work for the university as a receptionist. Mind you, I was not hired as a receptionist; I was actually hired as an Admin/payroll and AP/AR specialist. I love numbers, payroll, balance sheets, paying bills, etc. I hate, loath, despise answering the phone and greeting people. I don’t even talk on my cell phone unless I have to, that’s why God created texting thank you very much. However, after 3 budget cuts, (thank you Bush/Obama) I was demoted to being a receptionist if I wanted to keep my job. Having a husband that couldn’t keep a job to save his life our first 5 years of marriage, and having 2 daughters attending college, I needed the job. My supervisor is your typical overachieving “I’m better than any man” controlling, manipulating, backstabbing woman. Extremely micromanaging, nothing, literally nothing pleases her. No matter what we do, she is never happy. The air around this department, actually this entire college, is so thick, so toxic. Everyone is scared to death always. I’ve been here a little over 4 years now. I have never once in that time had a favorable/positive review. No one has. When I left my last department to come here, my reviews were always glowing, I always got raises and awards for various things I did. There are 12 people in my immediate area that are under her, of these 12, 10 of us are regularly sending resumes to get out. Of these 10, 3 started within the last 2 months. In the four years I have been with this college we have lost on average 20 employees a year, no joke, remember I used to do payroll, I know the termination rate. People want to leave as soon as they come in. Her “management style” is coming directly from the Dean. My supervisor is a “mini me” of her. The whole leadership team is, so no department is safe within the college. Everyone is on eggshells all the time. The college is extremely toxic.

Okay, enough with the back ground I think you get the idea… So, add to this my extreme depression, my low self-esteem and lack of confidence, (which has gotten much worse since I started here) it makes for coming to work more than a challenge. It’s gotten so bad that I avoid going to sleep at night, because I don’t want to get up to go to work. I generally sleep only 5-6 hours a night and even then I wake up every couple hours. I was talking with a friend a few days ago and she asked me when the last time was I had a dream. I told her I honestly couldn’t remember it’s been years I’m sure. I don’t sleep deep enough to dream. On average I am in tears on my drive in 1-2 days a week. I pray/hope that I get hit on my way to work so I won’t have to go in. So I am exhausted, depressed, and emotional somewhat suicidal (wishing I was dead, not wanting to commit the act). Um, pretty much a perfect combination for emotional eating and lack of energy/desire for exercise or life in general. Obviously, some weeks are better than others and I am able to record my food and get my exercise in. For most people the holidays were their time of splurging and over doing it. For me, short of being so busy with activities I didn’t record, that was a breeze. It’s the major work depression that gives me issues. I gained maybe a half pound over the holidays, but in the past 2 weeks of work hell, I’ve gained almost 3 lbs.

To answer many of your questions, yes I am applying for ANY jobs outside this college. As I stated above, I have to stay within the university as I have daughter’s that are attending or will attend soon and I can’t afford full tuition. I should give you all a bit of a background how the Human Resources hiring piece works here. So I apply for a job… if I am lucky enough to make it through the matrix, the potential supervisor is directed to look at my personnel file in HR to see if there are any flags to halt interviewing me. Remember above… no employee under my supervisor has ever had a positive review. Let’s say that even after looking over my file they still want to interview me. The next process is the New super has to get permission or at least acknowledgement from your Current super in order to contact you for an interview. If your super doesn’t want to let you interview, she doesn’t have to… This is exactly where I am. I get a few hits of interest from other departments, but… Even though our boss hates us all, she hates the thought of us leaving even more. She then has to hire, train, etc. She avoids that by never allowing us to leave, unless we leave the university completely. If we leave the university, she loses control over us. My only hope is to leave the university, but unless I make a lot more money than I do now, I can’t afford my daughters tuition.
I am a faithful Christian woman, and know that God has a perfect plan for my life. It breaks my heart knowing that I am being unfaithful to Him hating where He has me. I know I should trust where He has placed me is where He wants me for a reason. I pray to Him for guidance, comfort, wisdom and peace daily (sometimes hourly). This past year has been extremely difficult and I don’t know what to do until God shines his light on me with another position. This past couple of weeks has been tough too with the start of the new academic year. My supervisor has been under a great deal of stress to get numbers up. When she is stressed, she pours it out on us. I’ve been dealing with this for 4 years as I said, but I am to a point that I just can’t take it anymore. I know there has to be others of you that work in toxic environments, how do you deal with it? Need help and hope.