Help I need advice from parents!

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Daneece
Daneece Posts: 16
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Ok here is my situation..... I have a 6 year old daughter. Her father is not in her Mallory , has never been. I recently discovered that he has another child with my friends cousins now wife. The other child is a boy about 5 years old. I kinda know the girl, before i had my daughter she was dating my roommate. Also I found out they live like 6 streets down from me in my neighborhood. So here is what I am struggling with..... I don't know if I should contact her to have the kids know each other. I know my daughter would love it! But is it a healthy move mentally for her? I don't know if the other girl knows about my daughter. I am a little afraid of her reaction if she doesn't want to bring them together? So parents what would you do in my situation???

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  • dovesgate
    dovesgate Posts: 894 Member
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    My ex is not in my older daughter's life and never has been either. He has other children so my oldest has 3-4 siblings she doesn't know in the slightest. It isn't up to me to force their relationship when he couldn't be bothered to be anything but a sperm donor in the first place. Then again, her siblings were always 1 1/2 hours or more away from us.

    If the boy has his father in his life, I wouldn't get them in touch. It would probably hurt your daughter that the boy sees their dad and she doesn't. Leave it until she is old enough to want to seek him out on her own.

    If the father is not in the boys' life, it may be worth it to get them together so that at least they have each other and their mothers.
  • Daneece
    Daneece Posts: 16
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    Thank you! He is not in the boys life. The mom is married and has had another baby since the boy. My daughter is an only child thus far and I haven't told her about him. I dont want to until i decide to contact her or not. I think she should know about him but I don't want to have to tell her that they don't want to see her if that happens and her be devastated by it. I don't want her to think something is wrong with her you know.
  • finding_my_way
    finding_my_way Posts: 174 Member
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    in my opinion, I wouldn't create a drama situation that could lead to some issues later down the road for her, if it happens then it will happen. (I've been through very similar situations but luckily my children are now 16 and 12 and handled life beautifully so far)
  • Nos150
    Nos150 Posts: 150
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    coming from a person with many 'step siblings' it doesn't matter how old you are, it is still weird when you are all the sudden told that this person is a sister/brother.

    also do not expect them to be friends just because they come from the same dad.

    all in all, the kids can be friends and meet, but they dont have to be told that they are siblings.
  • Lusadi
    Lusadi Posts: 79
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    Have you talked to the boy's mom and asked how she feels about it? She may not be open to fostering a relationship. That would be the first step imho.
  • cloud2011
    cloud2011 Posts: 898 Member
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    Sounds like a situation you might want to discuss with a psychologist, social worker, or therapist. In my extended family, there have been a few situations where someone's birth parent(s) is kept secret from the child, but others in the family knew about it. It can be very damaging to the child. In one case, a relative found out who here bio mother was (a relative) when she was middle aged. It was extremely traumatic.

    So you don't know what the other child has been told about his father, (or whether he remembers his biological father). If you go ahead and give your child information about this other child, it might be that you're going to be placing a burden on your child, to keep this information private.
  • jarae876
    jarae876 Posts: 39 Member
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    I would like to put my two cents in if that is ok.

    Now if the sperm donor (I always called them sd) is not involved in your child's life nor this other child's life, it makes it easier. However I would NOT mention anything to your daughter until you talk to the other child's mother first and see if it is something that she would be interested in with the kids getting to know each other. It is so much easier to have a bond form at their ages then at my son's age who was 16 when he found out about 3 brothers and a sister, when I only knew for sure about one brother.

    But you have to prepare yourself to be a part of that woman's family for the rest of your life and her a part of yours for the sake of your children. It isn't easy honestly and it takes A LOT of work not to strangle them sometimes. I have to deal with three different mothers and my son's father for the rest of my life and it isn't easy for something I just want to slap the heck out of one of them, but usually that is the dad.

    It is a lot to think about. I think the early they bond though the easier it is for them to always be there for each other regardless what happens in life. You see my son is now 18 and in the army. He has three brothers ages, 13, 11 and 4 (the 13 and 11 are full blooded brothers) and one sister who I think is 12. Now the mother of the sister is just a total....um.....I can't say the word but you get the idea, and sadly my son and her have NEVER talked to each other because her mother would use my son as a reward if sister did good only to find something wrong to punish her with not being able to call. Thankfully sister is in the state care now but egg donor (I can't even call her a mother) refuses to give anyone contact information for her, again I think of a way of punishing her. The boys 13 and 11 years I am in contact with their adoptive parents and we talk some on FB. The youngest boy lives with the dad since mom and dad are married. The only sibling that my son really has a bond with somewhat is the youngest. Sister he cant talk to, and the other boys are busy with their own lives that it is hard to find a time to make the effort since there isn't that bond.

    Honestly it is up to you though.
  • _CowgirlUp_
    _CowgirlUp_ Posts: 585 Member
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    Talk to the parents of the boy...maybe they don't want HIM to know about his step-sister, in which case it's a closed case. You can't force a family. If they want it to be known then all of you can sit down with the kids and talk about it. I think they're both borderline age-wise as far as fully understanding the circumstances. Maybe let them be friends for a while and depending on their maturity level, tell them when both parties agree it's right.
  • dovesgate
    dovesgate Posts: 894 Member
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    The only thing with not telling kids until they are "mature enough" is that you can end up building alot of resentment when the kids finally find out. My best friend in high school had no idea her father wasn't her father until we were seniors. Knocked her for a loop.

    Needless to say, my daughter knows my husband isn't her birth father and that she has siblings. We never made a big deal out of it; it was just a simple fact of life. She may have lots of questions when she is older but so far she hasn't asked much about him.
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
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    I would talk to the mother of the boy, and explain the situation, and together you can decide what to do! Good luck!
  • Moma_Do
    Moma_Do Posts: 108 Member
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    you talk too her and see what happens. She might not respond for a few weeks but give it time. i trhink its better for the kids. they dont know whats going on between adults.
  • Johnnyswife
    Johnnyswife Posts: 1,447 Member
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    Thank you! He is not in the boys life. The mom is married and has had another baby since the boy. My daughter is an only child thus far and I haven't told her about him. I dont want to until i decide to contact her or not. I think she should know about him but I don't want to have to tell her that they don't want to see her if that happens and her be devastated by it. I don't want her to think something is wrong with her you know.
    Reach out to the mom than before saying anything to the daughter. Unless she's a complete cow, than you two might get along since you have something in common. Is her son and only child as well?
    If she's open to them being friends, than tell your daughter. Do they go to the same school?
  • Daneece
    Daneece Posts: 16
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    Thank you! He is not in the boys life. The mom is married and has had another baby since the boy. My daughter is an only child thus far and I haven't told her about him. I dont want to until i decide to contact her or not. I think she should know about him but I don't want to have to tell her that they don't want to see her if that happens and her be devastated by it. I don't want her to think something is wrong with her you know.
    Reach out to the mom than before saying anything to the daughter. Unless she's a complete cow, than you two might get along since you have something in common. Is her son and only child as well?
    If she's open to them being friends, than tell your daughter. Do they go to the same school?

    She has had another child since with her now husband. I don't know if he is in school yet. I don't know exactly how old he is or when his birthday is. I know that IF I pursue this then I will contact her before saying anything to my daughter. My anxietl is more about how she will react. Before my daughter was even thought of lol, I knew this girl she dated my roommate. The father of our kids was my roommates best friend. But we just knew each other we didnt become friends friends but there was nothing bad between us. So I am apprehensive about that and if I decide to contact her am I doing the right thing for my daughter? I know that if I don't tell her and she later decides to connect with him their relationship won't be the same if they were to bond now. But if I do contact her and she agrees what if something negative happens and she is still emotionally developing how is that going to effect her? I am so lost lol. I know I can't force this girl to allow us to be in their lives and if she doesn't want that then I would respect her decision.
  • Kirkajuice
    Kirkajuice Posts: 311 Member
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    What kind of negative reaction do you think would happen? I would say go ahead and ask the other Mum if she'd consider it, it's always nice to know if you've got siblings. If they don't like each other then that's fine, but they deserve to know. If nobody tells them, they may be upset and resentful later that you all knew and just didn't say anything. Also, living so close together and having children around the same age, surely best to let them know before they see each other as a potential date since they could end up going to the same schools?
  • dls06
    dls06 Posts: 6,774 Member
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    Have you talked to the boy's mom and asked how she feels about it? She may not be open to fostering a relationship. That would be the first step imho.
    I would do this. If your child finds out later, your child may resent you for not letting her know. Children are more reilient then we give them credit for.
  • Daneece
    Daneece Posts: 16
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    Ok here is another question...... What do I say to her? Or more HOW do I say it?? You all rock btw thank you all for responding :-D
  • dovesgate
    dovesgate Posts: 894 Member
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    Well, I would ask "Isn't so-and-so your sons' father?" When she says yes, "Did you know he is my daughters' father too? What do you think about introducing them?"

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