What Does Support Mean?

janet_pratt · January 2012

I keep my comments on the boards fairly low key and non confrontational and non judgmental because I've seen some really hateful people on here who make some pretty snarky comments and directed toward me, it would really piss me off. However, today, something just hit me really, really wrong. Maybe its because I haven't been able to work out for a week and my back is still acting up so tomorrow is not looking good either and that makes me very, very cranky, but this just struck me as wrong.

This is supposed to be a website dedicated to SUPPORT of others' weight loss and fitness efforts. So, first, lets get a definition of support. Just a quick glance at the dictionary gave me:

To keep from weakening or failing; strengthen:.
To argue in favor of; advocate:

In a recent post, the OP had stated she had resisted the temptation to eat pizza because she is cutting back on cheese, bread and pasta. She didn't say she was giving it up. Didn't say it was evil. Didn't say she would never eat it again. Only that she was cutting back and felt good about not giving in. Good for her! In a later post she mentioned that bread, cheese and pasta are hard for her to stop once she starts.

I was appalled that so many people told her she should just go ahead and have one once in a while. Or she should just have had a small piece, or baby pieces. WHY? Just because they are able to stop at just one small slice? Not everyone can do that. So with this fabulous advice playing in her head, next time she's confronted with the same decision, would you have her go ahead and eat the one slice, then decide another can't hurt. And, oh well, I've already had two, I might as well just split the pizza with him and I can get on track tomorrow. This is what happens with people who CANNOT stop at one slice. Be it pizza, cake, chocolate chip cookie dough or potatoes.

I am in no way saying I am an expert or even the example to follow. But I lost 100 pounds and during that time, I chose not to eat pizza and a few other things. Because I could not just eat one slice either. And during that time, contrary to another popular statement, the "deprivation" did not cause me to go nuts one day and eat everything in sight and completely give up on my lifestyle change. I persevered for 18 months and did what I had to do. Because that's what worked for ME. Now, I do occasionally indulge in the items I chose not to previously, but rarely, because they still are difficult for me to stop. I CANNOT eat just one or five Oreos. I eat one, I'm eating the package. So I avoid them unless I'm somewhere it is only possible to eat one or two, like at a social gathering and it would be rude to grab the entire plate and run to the bathroom. Some people may have a problem with feeling deprived and need to have that indulgence once in a while and can do it without eating more than they should. And that's great because that's what works for THEM. Awesome. Some people can have a cheat day once a week and do just fine. Other people can't. Some people feel their best eating paleo. Other feel great eating clean. Some like counting points. I hate points. What works for you may not work for someone else. I have one woman on my friend list whose diary horrifies me. I cannot believe the stuff she eats. It consists of almost completely what I think of as junk (soda, fast food, candy, etc) But she stays under her calorie goal, and she has never asked my opinion about what she is eating, so I keep my thoughts to myself. She posts loss and seems happy and if that's what works for her, more power to her.. It's not my place to lecture her on good nutrition. Whack! Whack! Whack! Enough of beating the dead horse. My point (Yes, I do have one) is this:

When someone posts something that they feel good about, some success at resisting temptation or whatever. Unless it is dangerous (ie VLCD, dangerous drugs, anorexia, serious health issues) we are supposed to be here to SUPPORT. Not tell them that they did it wrong. We are to strengthen, be their advocate. Not tell them it would be better if they did OUR way.

Everyone has different goals. Everyone has things that work for them and others that don't. And unless you are a physician, nutritional specialist, or weight loss specialist and have personally examined a person, taken a full medical, dietary history and assessed their eating triggers and emotional state, you are really in no position to assume you know more about what will work best for them. Unless they ask your opinion. Then by all means, give it...with the understanding that it's just that, opinion, not dietary gospel and it may not work for them the same way it does for you.

Now, all you people who love to argue, flame away, I'm not responding.

Debbe2 · January 2012

Thank you for saying this Janet! We should be supportive and I agree with your points wholeheartedly!

Oishii · January 2012

I think people haven't replied much because it's hard to disagree with you! If there were a like button (Mike?) I'm sure common-sense posts like this would get more 'air time'.

Mfp is a tool which lends itself to all kinds of weight loss regime. I should probably keep my thoughts to myself more often. I do tend to comment on under-eating every now and again, as the 'WTG' for netting ridiculously low wind me up, and I feel like I want to respond without being a psychophant.

Bizarrely, I find it hard to respond to my friend in real life who under-eats, binges, loses weight, regains, etc. I guess it's partly not feeling able to help her that makes me want to help people on here, however unwanted the 'help'.

We all want others to avoid the mistakes we made. The title of the thread you refer to worried me, but the OP was very reasonable and didn't seem to be demonising anything, so I agree that the eat pizza advice was uncalled for, but people will always want to save others from their own demons.

becoming_a_new_me · January 2012

You read my mind. I'll offer constructive criticism to my friends, but only if i know that is what they want. Sometimes overcoming a temptation is a huge hurdle and should be celebrated as a victory. My favorite part about this site is the disclaimer at the bottom: "Posts by members, moderators and admins should not be considered medical advice and no guarantee is made against accuracy." Opinions are like *kitten*, everyone has one. Problem is, some people don't recognize that their opinion is not necessarily fact. I try to celebrate those victories with the person, not jump on them for having them.

Mary Ann
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/iddreams/view/overcoming-the-obesity-mindset-194711

martalaurazayas · January 2012

There is an old saying, "You can't be the teacher of the entire world."

You have great intentions. I hope maybe at least you can be the teacher of a few but mostly I think silly people will continue to be silly, its just their nature.

Here is a little story that says it all:

A turtle was happily swimming along a river when a scorpion hailed it from the shore.
A scorpion, being a very poor swimmer, asked a turtle to carry him on his back across a river. "Are you mad?" exclaimed the turtle. "You'll sting me while I'm swimming and I'll drown."
"My dear turtle," laughed the scorpion, "if I were to sting you, you would drown and I would go down with you, and drown as well. Now where is the logic in that?"
The turtle thought this over, and saw the logic of the scorpion's statement. "You're right!" cried the turtle. "Hop on!" The scorpion climbed aboard and halfway across the river the scorpion gave the turtle a mighty sting. As they both sank to the bottom, the turtle resignedly said:
"Do you mind if I ask you something? You said there'd be no logic in your stinging me. Why did you do it?"
"It has nothing to do with logic," the drowning scorpion sadly replied. "It's just my nature."

zontuin · January 2012

Janet, Thanks for your post. Very interesting and though-provoking. I agree with your points, and also share your philosophy. I am always amazed at how people give advice and coaching to others in the guise of helping them, when in fact, it boils down to: you should be doing it my way. We are all different. We feel different. Make different choices. Have different experiences. Have different backgrounds. We make decisions uniquely because of those differences. Sure, there are some people you come across in life that you SHARE things with, but there are more people out there that are DIFFERENT. They are not bad or wrong, JUST different. And I think those differences need to be respected, and can even be rejoiced, instead of criticized or corrected. We can support each other, even if we don't agree.
As far as having difficulity with certain foods. I think we all have that problem. For me, it's cookies. In a previous life, I was a WW person, and I learned that they call those RED LIGHT FOODS because when you encounter them, you need to tell yourself to STOP, approach with extreme caution, or back away slowly!

I've learned myself to never buy or bring into my house any red light foods, because I simply can't control myself around them. I can't just stop eating after one cookie. I probbably won't ever be able to, so I simply don't bring them into the house. Problem solved.
Anyway, thanks again!

janet_pratt · January 2012

As far as having difficulity with certain foods. I think we all have that problem. For me, it's cookies. In a previous life, I was a WW person, and I learned that they call those RED LIGHT FOODS because when you encounter them, you need to tell yourself to STOP, approach with extreme caution, or back away slowly! I've learned myself to never buy or bring into my house any red light foods, because I simply can't control myself around them. I can't just stop eating after one cookie. I probbably won't ever be able to, so I simply don't bring them into the house. Problem solved.
Anyway, thanks again!

Exactly this! When I tried to explain on the thread that some foods can trigger people to over eat, a couple people totally discounted the concept and said that if that was the case then that person had food issues and more problems than just wright loss and should get counseling. Totally not getting the point because if it doesn't happen to them then it must not be valid.

What Does Support Mean?

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