Family advice...

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Kidvicious28
Kidvicious28 Posts: 1,613 Member
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This topic has nothing to do with weight loss or healthy eating... I just need to vent and get some advice.

So, I live at home with my parents (just got out of college. I'm trying to save up money for grad school...once I have enough money I'm going to grad school right away). Anyway, I have two older brothers (26 and 28...both are out of the house). My parents decided to adopt a little boy 3 years ago. I had no problem with it until I met him. He is literally a devil child. He's horrible. The foster parents that had him before my parents let him do anything he wanted and didn't discipline him at all.:noway: He yells at everyone, punches, kicks, screams, tells my mom no, pushes ppl, talks back, stomps his foot or pounds his fist on the table when he doesn't get his way :angry: ....my parents constantly fought over how to discipline him...and they still decided to adopt him anyway and forced me to sign papers so they COULD adopt him. Now, three years later, he's 6 and still is just as bad. They don't do anything about it. They just let him do whatever the hell he wants to do, no exaggeration.

I think it's crap and I try to make him listen and I get yelled at. :angry: When my older brothers and I were young we knew not talk back or push/punch/kick ppl...we knew right from wrong. My mom just had to give "the look" and we knew to stop whatever we were doing and straighten out. If we DID talk back or do anything bad we'd get smacked on the butt, put in the corner, or got things taken away from us until we learned to be good. They didn't put up with crap....I'm not saying they were bad/mean parents, they weren't at all. They were great parents. I'm glad they disciplined us. I just have no idea why they don't do that for my younger brother. It drives me nuts how much he gets away with. :angry: I want him to be a better person, but it seems like he's just getting worse. :ohwell:

Well, to top things off, my parents decided to get two more foster kids. A little girl that's 3 and a little boy that's 1 (why? good question...I have NO IDEA...what would she want with MORE kids at her age...yea it's cool she's helping children, but go do something bigger and help MORE kids if you want to do something nice). Anyway, my mom butts heads with the little girl. The little girl doesn't like her AT ALL. She won't even talk to her. My mom is down right stubborn with her and doesn't allow her to do ANYTHING. The little girl is always standing in the corner (for hours open hours). She refuses to play with anyone or anything, esp my mom. It makes my mom angry. She doesn't realize it but she takes her anger out on the little girl, which makes things worse. She's not allowed to do anything unless she asks my mom (bc my mom thinks it'll get the little girl to talk to her)..well it doesn't work.

My mom adores the little one year and just babies him to death! Always holding him and kissing him. etc etc. She's completely different with him.

Today, the little girl was standing up in the bathroom waiting for her hair to be brushed (she's supposed to ask my mom to do it...but she's stubborn, so she just stands in the bathroom). I walked by and she asked me to do her hair, so I said ok. My mom saw me doing the little girls hair and flipped out on me. She told me I need to stop doing things for the little girl bc she needs to start asking my mom. My mom also told me that I butt in and she doesn't appreciate it.

That hurt my feelings so badly. My relationship with the little girl has nothing to do with their relationship. I'm not allowed to do anything for her and that's not fair. I want to be apart of her life. I've never had a sister and I would like to do fun things with her, even if it IS just doing her hair. I've sat my mom down and told her how I feel but she just gets angry and tells me that the little girl needs to ask HER and not me.

I don't understand. I dont know what to do and I could really use some advice.

Replies

  • Marla64
    Marla64 Posts: 23,120 Member
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    well-- okay, since you asked for opinions--

    Bottom line, your parents home, your parents wishes--

    Did you know your little sister was defiantly refusing to ask your mom? If not, no harm no foul. A "Whoa, sorry, mom-- I didn't know" suffices.

    If you knew the situation and you did your sister's hair anyway , knowing she's being defiant, you undermined the parent which is never good.

    Things aren't as you like or wish them to be, or perhaps even as they should be, but it's really not your call to make until your name's on the mortgage.
  • SHBoss1673
    SHBoss1673 Posts: 7,161 Member
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    sucks, sounds like it's time to move out, get a job, and worry about Grad school later my friend.
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
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    Omgosh, this sent shivers down my spine.
    The psychological damage being done to all these kids is mind-boggling.

    PM MolsonGirl. For some reason, I think she might be able to help you out. She has adoptive and foster children.

    As far as the little girl goes, please don't ignore her like your mother demands. Try to keep it under wraps so your mom won't go balistic on the little girl (you are an adult and can handle the BS rants, as much as they suck) but please don't let that little girl think and feel like she is all alone in that house. :brokenheart:

    I wish I had more advice. I'm 28 and my sisters are 26 and 24. My parents had another kid when we were older, so he's almost 11. He's been coddled and allowed to walk all over them in ways we were beaten for. I understand your anger (towards your parents) there. I have it towards mine. I'm angry they give so much to him (monetarily and lacking discipline) but I'm also very angry that they are raising him to be rotten. The world needs fewer self centered jerks, not more.... and without intervention, I have a feeling that is what my brother will become. :brokenheart:
  • Carrie6o6
    Carrie6o6 Posts: 1,443 Member
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    Sounds like a job for nanny 911! hahaha :tongue:

    Just made that comment so I can keep this one in my list.
  • Kidvicious28
    Kidvicious28 Posts: 1,613 Member
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    LOL! Trust me I'm not one of those ppl that live at home and take it for all that it's worth. I have a job and I work my butt off...but I'm not making enough to live on my own. Places around here are like 500 some bucks a month plus utilities...and on top of my car insurance and other bills are 460 a month already...I don't have enough money to live by myself right now. I haven't been here that long anyway and I don't see any harm in staying here until I save money up. Nothing wrong with that.

    I didn't end up doing her hair either. I listen to my parents. I don't disrespect my elders at all. If she wants things to be that way, then they'll be that way. I just hate not being able to be apart of the little girls life. I'm a very loving and caring person...it's just how I am. I love being able to play with her and do fun things :smile:
  • Kidvicious28
    Kidvicious28 Posts: 1,613 Member
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    haha nanny 911 is awesome! That would be absolutely fantastic to get her in here! :smile:
  • Kidvicious28
    Kidvicious28 Posts: 1,613 Member
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    So, taking your advice...
    Let my mom deal with everything and ignore the little girl when she's being defiant to my mom..whether or not I want to be apart of her life, it's my moms house and job to take care of her, not mine.
    Two jobs would be better than one.
    I do need to get my own place asap.
    Don't worry about grad school until later...

    My only worry is, if I'm not in school I'll have to start paying my college loans off ON TOP of everything else. Yikes.
    But that's life tho right? and that's where two jobs would be good to have.

    Ok. Thanks for your advice everyone!
  • Marla64
    Marla64 Posts: 23,120 Member
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    So, taking your advice...
    Let my mom deal with everything and ignore the little girl when she's being defiant to my mom..whether or not I want to be apart of her life, it's my moms house and job to take care of her, not mine.
    Two jobs would be better than one.
    I do need to get my own place asap.
    Don't worry about grad school until later...

    My only worry is, if I'm not in school I'll have to start paying my college loans off ON TOP of everything else. Yikes.
    But that's life tho right? and that's where two jobs would be good to have.

    Ok. Thanks for your advice everyone!

    I think that's it in a nutshell-- :laugh:

    You're sweet to care for the kids--

    God bless you-- hope things smooth out for you.
  • chrissyh
    chrissyh Posts: 8,235 Member
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    maybe you can encourage the little girl to ask your mom....I don't think avoiding her will help-maybe it would help in your mom's issues and in her opinion but she (the little girl) obviously cares about you too or she wouldn't be asking for your help

    Hope it works out for all of you!:heart:
  • Kidvicious28
    Kidvicious28 Posts: 1,613 Member
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    I've tried encouraging her :ohwell: ...I think everyone has. She just refuses to talk to my mom.

    You're right, I can't avoid the little girl, but I can stop doing things for her when she's being defiant to my mom (which is all the time...but maybe eventually she'll stop being stubborn)

    Thank you for your advice :heart:
  • chrissyh
    chrissyh Posts: 8,235 Member
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    I've tried encouraging her :ohwell: ...I think everyone has. She just refuses to talk to my mom.

    You're right, I can't avoid the little girl, but I can stop doing things for her when she's being defiant to my mom (which is all the time...but maybe eventually she'll stop being stubborn)

    Thank you for your advice :heart:

    I guess that's her way of looking for attention - even if it's negative....

    Just love her! Hopefully she'll come around
  • SHBoss1673
    SHBoss1673 Posts: 7,161 Member
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    So, taking your advice...
    Let my mom deal with everything and ignore the little girl when she's being defiant to my mom..whether or not I want to be apart of her life, it's my moms house and job to take care of her, not mine.
    Two jobs would be better than one.
    I do need to get my own place asap.
    Don't worry about grad school until later...

    My only worry is, if I'm not in school I'll have to start paying my college loans off ON TOP of everything else. Yikes.
    But that's life tho right? and that's where two jobs would be good to have.

    Ok. Thanks for your advice everyone!

    Actually, you can defer your college loans for up to a year (and then another year, and then another,...etc. until you can afford it) If you pay the interest only, then it's not so bad.

    As to the girl, its up to you, but I don't think you can choose which kid to fight for, if you're gonna dive into that battle (I wouldn't), you have to fight for all three, not just the one you like. They all deserve it. Personally I think that it's not your battle to fight, now if ALL of the kids (adult kids) were together on this one, and came at them as a group, that might be a little different, but remember, you're right out of college, your parents probably haven't decided you're fully on par with them as an adult, maybe that's not right, but let me tell you, it's the truth for a lot of parents. The point is, parents sometimes need a smack upside the head too.

    but lets be realistic, they chose to do this, not you, it's their house, and however bad you think it is, short of some kind of abuse it's really not your battle. Now if you think there is abuse (mental or physical), then you need to let them know you think they are being abusive, it's a slippery slope, do you want your parents to hate you? These are all things you need to think about if you start this fight. I'm not saying don't do it, just be prepared, this is the kind of thing that permanently tears families apart.
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
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    I've tried encouraging her :ohwell: ...I think everyone has. She just refuses to talk to my mom.

    You're right, I can't avoid the little girl, but I can stop doing things for her when she's being defiant to my mom (which is all the time...but maybe eventually she'll stop being stubborn)

    I've got a stubborn, defiant 3 year old diva.
    Be sure to explain to her what is going on.
    For example, ask her how she is feeling. If she can't identify, you can spot a couple answers, like, "Are you feeling happy?" said with a smile, or "are you feeling sad?" said with a frown, or "are you feeling angry?" said with an angry face. More than likely, she will tell you how she is feeling and you can ask her why. When she tells you why (because Mom wouldn't let me xxx), you can help to explain why xxx can't be done then, but when it can be done at a more appropriate time. Then you can shift subjects and try to move along to something different. Maybe at that point you can casually suggest she go ask Mom if they can go do xxx. (This usually works with my kid.) (And on second thought, you've probably tried everything I've mentioned.)

    But you know what? This usually works with MY KID. As in, I AM THE PARENT. Your mom needs to be doing this work with her, trying to forge the bond, refusing to give up, always reaching for this little girl. At 3 years old and a foster/adoptive kid, I worry this little girl has some deep issues of resentment towards a mother figure. Has anyone thought of counseling?
  • Kidvicious28
    Kidvicious28 Posts: 1,613 Member
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    Thanks banks. I appreciate your two sents.

    I don't need to fight for all 3 of them bc the other 2 aren't having any issues with my mom. My mom takes to boys a little easier than with girls. She's extremely close with the two little boys.

    But, you're right, it's not my battle. I'm not going to get in the middle of it. If she wants these kids then she can deal with it. I'll be there for any of my siblings if they need me, but I'm not going to ruin my relationship with my parents over it.
  • Kidvicious28
    Kidvicious28 Posts: 1,613 Member
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    Thanks for your advice! I have tried all of that, it doesn't seem to work. She won't answer questions...it's almost like she doesn't understand? I dont know. Yea, she has a therapist, but she acts "normal and happy" when she's with him and he doesn't see what goes on at home. *shrugs shoulders*

    I'm just going to let my mom deal with it...she's not my responsibility. I have to respect my mom. I'll be there for her like I am with my other siblings, but I think this is out of my control.

    I'm looking for a second job and a place to live as we speak. I think it'll lower my stress level if I'm out of here.
  • SHBoss1673
    SHBoss1673 Posts: 7,161 Member
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    Thanks banks. I appreciate your two sents.

    I don't need to fight for all 3 of them bc the other 2 aren't having any issues with my mom. My mom takes to boys a little easier than with girls. She's extremely close with the two little boys.

    But, you're right, it's not my battle. I'm not going to get in the middle of it. If she wants these kids then she can deal with it. I'll be there for any of my siblings if they need me, but I'm not going to ruin my relationship with my parents over it.

    well, good luck Kid, I hope it all turns out ok. You seem like a good person, don't let it get too you.
  • memaw66
    memaw66 Posts: 2,558 Member
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    I would talk to your mom and tell her that maybe if you could spend some time with the little girl, you could try to get her to accept your mom. Maybe tell the little girl of things you did with your mom when you were a little girl like she is and that your mom is really a nice person and is there for HER. Show her pictures of you when you were little doing things with your mom. Tell your mom you are trying to help the situation and that you are in no way trying to undermine her authority. If that doesn't work, then there really isn't anything you can do. You tried. Just out of curiousity, how does your dad get along with the kids, all of them? I think your mom will be sorry in the long run for lettiing the boy do whatever he wants. Just my opinion. Kids need structure.

    Good luck hun!

    Memaw
  • Kidvicious28
    Kidvicious28 Posts: 1,613 Member
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    My dad gets along very well with all of them. He tries to get the little girl to talk to my mom, but it doesn't work.

    I agree with you, she's def going to regret not giving my little brother discipline.
  • JMAMA
    JMAMA Posts: 298 Member
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    What a tough situation for you, your parents, and the foster kids...Keep in mind that these kids could have a huge disonnect with people (Reactive Attachment Disorder or RAD) This disorder is caused by abuse/neglect in early infancy when attachment and bonding are key to healthy development. Your parent's are very bold and compassionate people to take on this kind of responsibility. You are also seem like a caring person in your efforts to relate to these children-don't give up with the kids, it's almost like they're expecting you to not love them unconditionally because maybe no one has...

    Bless you and your parents, and good luck in grad school:flowerforyou:

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