Need some motivation, and/or someone to talk to. Guess I jus

Edit to add: Title cut off. Didn't realize it was going to do that. Last part says "Guess I just need to vent."


(I'm just going to say this in advance. Sorry if this is in the wrong spot, or I'm posting something wrong. I'm new here, and have no idea what I'm doing, haha).


I kind of need to vent right now, so excuse me if this goes on forever, in some rant.

Anyways, so here's the story. I've been battling with being slightly overweight since grade 4 in Elementary school. I'm 5'5, and around 180-185lbs, but want to get down to about 130lbs.
For as long as I can remember, I've always had self confidence issues, body issues, you name it. And lately, I feel like they've gotten worse.

Cue in this year(I'm 18 years old). It seems like all of those feeling mentioned above have gone like...tenfold. I've never had a boyfriend(which really kills the confidence) never been kissed, nothing. Sure, I've had my share of crushes and what not, but nothing has ever happened, and I feel like it's because of the way I look.
I've got MAJOR issues with my body. I feel like I'm not good enough for anything, or anyone for that matter. Like I'm always in the wrong, and nothing will ever go right for me. That every attempt at anything, is hopeless. I don't know how to stop feeling like this. I really, truly don't. I've been bullied since I was a kid, and I guess that plays a factor into it as well. It just stuck with me, and I've never been able to let it go. I've gotten fat, ugly, heck, I've been told I'll never amount to anything because of the way I look(and that's a lot to say to a 10-12 year old girl!)

I feel like because of my body, I've missed out on a lot of the 'dating scene' so to speak. Like I said, never had a boyfriend. I don't feel like I'm good enough to have one. It doesn't really help that the type of guys I'm attracted to wouldn't even give me a second glance, either(Hockey players, sheesh). I grew up around the sport/players, and it's all I really know, so yeah...I guess I'm going to be attracted to that. Anyways, with them, I just feel like they think of me more like one of the guys, kind of thing. I mean sure, I'm fun, know how to have a good time, know more about hockey than I probably should(although, I couldn't skate to save my life. Go figure!), and I can definitely hold my own in a wrestling match with one of them. Well...sort of, anyways. No, I'm not one of those dainty, aloof girls, and I don't think I ever will be. It's just not who I am. So it's either they think of me as one of the guys, or they're secretly judging me behind my back. I don't know? But it's just...what do those girls have, that I don't? What's so special about them? I mean really?

I feel like I'm getting depressed over things now. I tend to keep a journal, and write in it every night. I like to look back on how I was feeling, reflect on that, and try to change that feeling. Am I even making sense? Regardless, over the past month or so, they're all starting to sound the same.
This is one I wrote a few weeks ago. Gives you an idea with what I'm feeling so maybe I can get tips on motivation/confidence or what have you...(I've never done this before, so bare with me if it sounds stupid. When I write, I tend to go all over the place, so it may sound a bit tacky). It also may sound seriously childish. Sorry in advance. Lack of sleep and crazy emotions make me sound well...crazy?

"January 9th, 2012 5:10AM

I'm getting depressed. Seriously depressed, actually. For one, with the way I look. I'm sick and tired of how fat/ugly I am. Another reason, how my luck has been going(mainly with guys and stuff). Everything I want(not necessarily a specific someone, just this type in general) anyways, everything I want is hopeless. I have no chance what so ever. Because I'm me. Because I am me, I can't have what I want. Why is that fair? Obviously someone hates me. Big time. Yet, I don't know why? I don't know what I did?
I mean...is being happy to much to ask for? Is wanting something a crime? Because really? That's what it seems like. Having something is obviously asking for to much. Anything I ask for is to much. Why is life so unfair? It's like no matter how hard I try, I never succeed. Ever.
It's like everything is just working against me, trying to make me fail, you know? And it's sad. It's really, really sad. When nothing ever goes right, it's heartbreaking. And there's only ever one thing I want to do, yet I know I can't.
Cry.
I want to cry, but I can't. I don't want to look ridiculous, which I know I will. Because really, no one would ever understand. No ondewould every understand. That to, is sad. When you feel as if you're all alone in this. No, not feel. I know. I KNOW that I'm alone in this. Always have, always will. So really? What am I supposed to do? I want to live my life how I want to, but I can't. Why? Because I'm not good enough. Or pretty enough. Because I don't have a nice body like all those other girls.
I really don't like this feeling..."

Like I said, it's lame. I know. But hey, I can't help how I feel? To be honest? I do know WHY I feel the way I do(about life, and dating and such). Okay, well...I know for a fact that it's because of my body image. I just can't seem to shake the feeling.
I've done diets and crazy workouts, you name it. I'd be going so good for 2-3 weeks. Super hard, but I always fell short. Kind of like I burnt myself out, I guess. I'd beat myself up over it if I didn't see results instantly. I mean, I know that it takes time, but my brain is just...so wired into this kind of thinking, I just don't even know how to stop it.

Now we get on to the good stuff! Like exercise, and diet plans and such! Hooray!....not.
I seem to be quite prone to injuries(which makes working out hard), which quite frankly...sucks. In October, I fell off my horse, and chipped a bone in my back. I had to have surgery so they could take out the bone piece. 3 months later of being on the couch and unmoving, I healed up...for one measly week. Not even sure what I did now, but I think I may have fractured my ankle. That, or a seriously bad sprain. I haven't been to a doctor yet(after going 5 days a week for 3 months...I'm done with doctors for awhile). I have my foot wrapped, and I ice it a few times a day, but I can't seem to put a lot of weight on it. Hello couch...again *head desk* And want to know what puts the icing on the cake? I'm moving, in like...9 days. ALL of the workout gear(treadmill, elliptical, etc) is all packed up, ready to move to the new house. So even if I wanted to, I still couldn't work out.

Food wise, I don't really eat a lot of bad foods. I'm trying to stay away from breads and stuff right now(think I might have a gluten allergy? Sister has it, and I seem to get the same symptoms she does when she eats it. I just haven't been tested yet. Again, it's the whole doctors thing for me...) Like I was saying, I try and do every morning with a smoothie(strawberries, raspberries, blackberries, blueberries, little bit of mile and yogurt, and that's it). If I get hungry before lunch, I'll snack on some kind of fruit, or a protein bar. If I even eat lunch, it's normally a sandwich(need to find something else to eat now, because of possible allergy) anyways, it will have LOTS of lettuce, cucumber, 2 thin slices of cheese, 1 pc. chicken bologna, and a ton of pepper. For dinner, I start out with a bowl of salad(probably a cup or 2 of lettuce), with a little bit of graded cheese, cucumber, and a teaspoon of dressing, and then whatever else my mom makes that night.
I feel like I'm eating alright, but I know it could be better. I also need to watch my portions, I know that. That I'm working on. Oh, and I drink like...3-5 liters of water a day, usually. Don't drink pop, on the rare occasion, I may have a glass of orange or apple juice, and that's about it.

I'm just going to bring this all to an end here. My mind is buzzing, I'm exhausted, and even slightly frustrated. Ugh...

What can I do to lose weight with these circumstances that I have right now? What can I do to keep myself motivated? To boost my confidence, etc? I need your guys words of wisdom!!

ALL suggestions and what not are really appreciated


And thanks to whoever reads this whole thing. You're awesome! Hahaha.