Sister hurt my husband's feelings......

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Jessie544
Jessie544 Posts: 127 Member
in Motivation and Support
So, long story short.... my sister has literally worked her butt off, and after being an obese child, teenager, and young woman, she started losing weight after her 2nd child... and now, after her 3rd and final child, is to her ideal body weight ... she's approx 5'7" and about 135lbs...

Last night we all had plans to go out, and we brought our own food to cook so we stayed on program because we knew we'd be drinking a lot of calories.... so my husband and sister were sitting on the couch and she was asking him if he wanted anything from Chipotle, he said no.... we brought our own food, etc.... and she said something along the lines of "you don't have to completely cut out all the bad stuff, it's all about portion control"... which, sure, is true for some people, but not us... there's no such thing as portion control, hence why we're overweight. Which is what he said to her and they went back and forth like this for a minute.... basically him saying that plan doesn't work (for us)... and she slammed him and said "well, i've been doing it this long and I didn't gain back 40 lbs!"...... he's gained back 40lb of the 70lbs he lost last year when we were dieting....

Not what the hell? How rude?! He was really hurt by what she said, and it really pissed me off. I don't think she realized what she said was so hurtful, but we're pretty sensitive about the topic... and all he was trying to tell her, like we have many times in the past... the whole portion control thing DOESNT WORK FOR US. If there is a whole pizza there, the whole pizza will be eaten... that's just how we are, and that's why we're putting ourselves on our "clean eating" program because that's what works for us... and we fell off the wagon (I gained back 15, he gained back 40)....

I don't know, I really want to vent more, but I know a lot of it is a whole lifetime of competitive feelings between the 2 of us.... she's resentful to me, and me to her.... believe it or not we do have a great relationship, but we are sisters, and that's just how it is..... anyway, was she being insensitive or am I just overreacting??

Replies

  • Jenmccabe
    Jenmccabe Posts: 15 Member
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    I think she was being insensitive IMO . What worked for your sister doesn't work for everyone. I think either way she should have been more supportive to you and your husband. I have to deal with people who aren't very supportive too . I fell off the wagon many times!!! I've had to cut out alot of the junk food because that was my downfall. I wish you and your husband the best of luck and try not to let anyone get to you.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,704 Member
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    Well at least now you don't have to worry about your husband having the hots for your sister.:laugh:

    She was a but untactful, but I don't think she was too overboard. I deal with clients who have been on many diets and now work with me because of regaining the weight back. The one thing they all have in common is that the all gained weight back eating what they missed while on their weight loss diet. This is particularly why I don't have my clients do a certain diet, but count calories instead.
    Lifestyle is what it's all about, so IF you can live with clean eating the rest of your life without missing certain foods, then take that track. However if your mind is on pizza, burgers, candy etc., then you should try to create a plan that does involve those foods or they will end up being your demise in the end.


    A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • wildcata77
    wildcata77 Posts: 660
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    I think she was insensitive, but as family we sometimes have to overlook the worst qualities in each other. You just described 10 conversations me, my sis, her husband, and/or my husband have had in the last year or so.

    She's just a bossy little thing, and I'm kind of sensitive so it can be a volatile combination. She says stuff in passing that she things "isn't a big deal", I respond and she can see that it upset me, so she tries to make it better by saying "it's not a big deal...don't be so sensitive". Drives me nuts, but at the end of the day we hug and make up and love each other anyway.

    GL to reaching your goals!
  • burntpie
    burntpie Posts: 19 Member
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    We all need support on these journeys especially from the people closest to us. Hopefully you can say to your sister 'I know that you are passionate about this subject and you may have spoken the way you did out of frustration in trying to help, but talking to us like that just makes us down on ourselves and less motivated - not more. Please remember that the next time we have these discussions because we love you and really need you to be positive so you can help us reach our goal'. Or something to that effect. I just think you should tell her how she made you feel but in a nice way, and also saying 'us' lets her know that being that way impacts you just as much as your husband. Because it does, you're a team.
  • hybridscientist
    hybridscientist Posts: 93 Member
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    It was insensitive and she should never have mentioned your husband putting back on 40 pounds. I think that she may have been getting defensive though.... she probably took what your husband was saying the wrong way. Perhaps she wasn't listening so well and only heard 'portion control doesn't work' and took it personally. While that's not what your husband was saying... is it possible her feelings were hurt too?
  • jamielise2
    jamielise2 Posts: 432 Member
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    some people are just a little clueless. Personally I have a tendency to open mouth/insert foot as often as not. I think it would be appropriate to let her know she really your feelings, because she probably doesn't have a clue. I would look at her overall behavior...does she usually mean well, or is she mean spirited. From there you can determine how to approach it.
  • drog2323
    drog2323 Posts: 1,386 Member
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    my two cents - you should be talking to your sister. I understand the need to vent, but you definitely are fired up about it, I would talk to her. let her know how it hurt him...and you. get it out in the open and let her know that you are on a different plan etc.

    overall, ya, I would say it was insenstive and in my terms " a d*ck move" but maybe it came out different than she meant.
  • albinogorilla
    albinogorilla Posts: 1,056 Member
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    although it was a hurtful thing to say, maybe you two need to address your lack of self control..........bringing food everywhere you go will not work forever, restaurants for example frown on it
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    It was insensitive and she should never have mentioned your husband putting back on 40 pounds. I think that she may have been getting defensive though.... she probably took what your husband was saying the wrong way. Perhaps she wasn't listening so well and only heard 'portion control doesn't work' and took it personally. While that's not what your husband was saying... is it possible her feelings were hurt too?

    I'm with this poster. You have to look at both sides. Yes, she reacted a little too harshly for the situation, but have you considered that maybe seeing you take the deprivation approach makes her feel a little bad about her own choices. Personally, I take the portion control approach and it works for me because like Ninerbuff said, I would totally want the things that I deprive myself of and would eventually cave in. Sometimes when I see my friends talk about how they "must resist this" or they "must resist that" I feel like I my choice to use portion control is somehow wrong. I think you should wait until everyone has had an opportunity to put aside these negative feelings and is open to conversation. Try again to explain how you feel about your food choices. Be patient, caring, and compassionate towards her, and I am sure she will understand. Then, maybe when you plan future outings you can cook healthy dishes for each other rather than going out.
  • drog2323
    drog2323 Posts: 1,386 Member
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    although it was a hurtful thing to say, maybe you two need to address your lack of self control..........bringing food everywhere you go will not work forever, restaurants for example frown on it

    good advice here. I am all for clean eating, but sometimes you gotta go with the flow...it's life. and you will need to make life-style changes to keep the weight off for the long haul. trust me...I know! dropped a lot before...packed it back on. now...trying to make it life style more.
  • Pollyfleming
    Pollyfleming Posts: 147 Member
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    Was this an older sister? I have a couple of those and they are always pulling this kind of crap on me. And then, when I say something they respond with, "omg you're so sensitive" Really.
    I think it was super insensitive of your sister. Even if your way is the dumbest way in the world ( and I don't think it is), it's not your sister's place to call your husband out. I don't know if it would do any good to say something to her. It's never done me any good. It might be best to just vent and move on.

    PS My sisters are so much fun and I love being around them, but sometimes they drive me nuts!!!!
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    Was this an older sister? I have a couple of those and they are always pulling this kind of crap on me. And then, when I say something they respond with, "omg you're so sensitive" Really.
    I think it was super insensitive of your sister. Even if your way is the dumbest way in the world ( and I don't think it is), it's not your sister's place to call your husband out. I don't know if it would do any good to say something to her. It's never done me any good. It might be best to just vent and move on.

    PS My sisters are so much fun and I love being around them, but sometimes they drive me nuts!!!!

    That seems like a passive aggressive way of dealing with the situation. Stand up for yourself. My mom lets her sister treat her this way and it drives me nuts!!
  • Pollyfleming
    Pollyfleming Posts: 147 Member
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    There is nothing aggressive, passive or otherwise, about doing nothing. Passive aggressive would be to give her sister a 1000 calorie burrito but tell her it is a 300 calorie burrito. Acknowledging something and letting it go can be a really valuable skill. It's important to know how to pick your battles.
  • Dave198lbs
    Dave198lbs Posts: 8,810 Member
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    turn down Chipotle? no wonder your sis got pissy

    ah...let it go

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