Losing weight has changed me.

In high school I fell into the darkest depression I've ever experienced and in the process put on nearly 60lbs. Yes. That much. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I did finally have my hormones checked last spring, and found out that was a considerable cause of my unexpected gain years ago. (Life lesson, check your hormones!)

The result of putting on that much weight in high school was the complete loss of any form of self confidence I had, which was none to begin with. I operated for the next five to six years literally assuming that every time I met someone new, they would hate me- not because of something I did, not because of the way I acted or the way I dressed, but simply because I was me. In my mind I was a thing to be hated, I hated myself, so I KNEW everyone else did too, and people could unknowingly sense that and treated me accordingly. I barely talked, I went out of my way to do extra work for people I barely talked to, and essentially let everyone take advantage of me, as a student and as an object of ridicule.

I topped out at 224, or at least that is the highest number I ever remember seeing on the scale. I wouldn't go near one for a while, but even though I was playing sports at this weight, I wasn't losing weight and I wasn't healthy. Finally I had enough, I saved for a gym membership, adjusted my senior schedule to allow me time at the gym every day and got to work.

I'm a junior at university, and I'm down to 182 now, and 50% of the way to my goal. I'm still overweight, but I'm half way there and it's amazing to look in the mirror in the morning and not be horrified by my body or my face. For the first time since I can really remember, I feel okay about myself. It feels good to be OKAY. I don't know if I'm happy yet, but I know I'm not depressed anymore, and I feel really lucky to have come this far emotionally and physically. I've started talking to people, my anxieties are no longer crippling me, and I've learned to say no when people try to use me to do their work.

I don't equate my happiness to my body shape, but I do know now that how I feel about myself is related to how I treat myself. When I treat my body with respect, I respect myself, and developing self respect is what has helped me get to where I am, and right now I am okay.