boys boys... (dating)
Replies
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GO WITH GUY #2. You have kids to worry about, you don't need to be taking care of a man who doesn't care enough about his life to TRY to live it. You seem like a sweet woman, you deserve better!0
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Go for Boy #1.
Now, are you thinking "thank God someone's one his side" or are you thinking "Hey, this poster is crazy?" Whichever one first came to mind is how you feel. But honestly it sounds like you like #2 more, just thought giving you the opinion you haven't got yet might make you think a little differently about it.
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Guilt (of leaving) does not hold a relationship together in the end. It sounds like you need to have a serious sit-down with #1 and get some of this out on the table, and if he's "too tired" to deal, you have your answer.
Don't let a wet blanket wreck years of your life. It's not worth it.0 -
another vote for #2, you really have to read what you wrote and see that boy #1 isn't even your boyfriend if you aren't sure you exclusive to him, why are you so concerned about being exclusive with his? I think you just want boy #2 to know you don't sleep with two guys at once, but really, unless you said you were not attracted to #2, then my answer is still break up with #1 and be friends with #2.
You can't stay with someone out of guilt!0 -
boy #2 all the way... you are the only person responsible for your own happiness. in this case it is ok to be selfish and look out for yourself. you can't feel bad and stay with #1 out of pitty or feeling bad if you leave him. don't you want to be happy? do what makes you happy and don't think about how it will effect anyone else! that has ALWAYS worked for me!0
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I would RUN to man #2.....You have kids and you should think about them. #2 is obviously a better choice from the start because he wants to be involved with them. He is already talking future while #1 seems like he is too wrapped up in his own world and bitterness to care about anyone else. It honestly sounds like you are scared of change and feel sorry for #1. But you have to realize that the only person you need to care about is yourself and your kids. I had a similar relationship where I didn't know what to do and I ended up staying with #1 because I felt like I would be ruining his life if I broke up with him...(he was living with me and didn't have a job.) But you know what finally I couldn't stand it anymore and I kicked him out and BOTH of our lives are now better because of it. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide because you deserve to be happy. But I'm definately picking #20
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Boy 2.
If you really truly WANT to be a caretaker rather than a partner, then keep Boy 1. However, if you're taking care of him all the time, when do you take care of yourself?0 -
Boy two your. Your enabling boy two to live like that.0
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#2. You have to do what's right for YOU. Staying with #1 is only going to suck the life out of you and not let you live at all.0
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It sounds like you deffinitely want boy 2 but you feel sorry for boy 1 and stay because of it. I say you should not jeoperdize your happiness but that is just me.
^^This! :flowerforyou:0 -
I'm Team 2!!
As for the boyfriend, what can I say??? For having his life given back to him and to choose to spend it like that is a slap in the face of God! I understand that sometimes we get into a rut and feel sorry for ourselves, but don't bring others down with you.
You are not responsible for his health or his happiness, only yours. This seems like a toxic relationship to me.
I second this but also, It sounds like you have really made your choice but are only staying out of guilt. Don't settle, you and your kids deserve more than that. Also, think of what impact the choices each have on the kids. Sounds like #2 is the way to go to me.0 -
Wow... well boy #1 I think plays you. He hasn't introduced you to anyone... not even his family and you are taking care of him. Then you have #2 who is active in your life, your kids and even your DAD! Seriously... boy #1 will be fine you are only staying with him because of guilt (and maybe the good sex). Enjoy someone that truly wants to be with you and all you have to offer!
Good luck!0 -
And I stayed with an abusive husband for too long out of guilt and feeling like I would ruin his life because he needed me. It was absolutely not true, and we are both leading much healthier and happier lives because I divorced him.0
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I'll take what is behind door number two, please.
Honestly, from all that you've disclosed, it seems that you feel guilty about leaving #1. A relationship takes two though, and it sounds like he's not offering anything. You're doing all of the work, and that is not okay. It will hurt him, but you need to think about -your- happiness...and this man clearly does not make you that happy.
#2 Sounds like a keeper. I'd take things slow, but it sounds like it could develop into something wonderful. Don't be afraid to take a risk!0 -
I am married to boy #1 (not literally, LOL) and I am telling you now to run, run, run! I have been married to him for 20 years and I not only pay the majority of the bills because he's on disability, I handle running the household. He also is unable to do anything with me that requires any physical exertion (not because of his disability, but because he's obese). And the sex life left 5 years ago. I am only still with him out of guilt, to be honest. Don't get stuck into the same dead end I am stuck in!
Boy #2 sounds like a nice guy that you enjoy spending time with. Let that relationship grow.0 -
for all the reasons the above posters have mentioned.... dump BOY #1, and try things out with MAN #2. And do it quick, because the "Friend Zone" is an awful place for all involved, and it's difficult to get out of it once you are there.0
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I think you already know what you will do or you wouldnt have encouraged Boy#2 to keep coming around.
I think that if you loved Boyfriend it would be a non issue.
and so there you have it. Your heart has already made the jump, but your afraid to actually take the steps becuase your ashamed to leave boyfriend given his circumstances. and now you are seeking the approval of strangers to make yourself feel better about it.
I think you deserve to be happy and LIVE your life. If you cannot LIVE your life the way you want to with boyfriend then its time to go...
I have been where you are and I completely understand whats going on in your head - guilt over BF and excitment over the new possibilities... tough anyway you cut it...
GOOD LUCK!0 -
Okay I'm young so don't except too many people to take my advice haha, but here goes:
I'd say dump boy 1 because I actually just got out of a relationship exactly like that, I had become his crutch, he couldn't do anything without me and got upset about me going out and even told me to stop working out and quit my full time job to get a part time one instead so I can see him more (-slaps forehead-). All he does is eat takeaway, pizza, fried chicken, watch films, play computer and xbox games, he doesn't actually have any friends other then his next door neighbor, he doesn't drive, doesn't go out shopping (oh internet how you have become the ultimate tool for being lazy). Now maybe I'm being biased because of my experience, but I'd say with kids and a life to take control of you might find he ends up using you as a crutch and eventually gets upset with you spending time to yourself because it means you're not looking after him (not saying his like that but my ex I had to clean his flat, do his laundry, poop scoop and clean the cage of his pet (not ours) arrange his doctors and dentist appointments like his was a kid, which he would then never go to since apparently it's impossible to get on a bus and needs to get someone to drive him there =_=).
And I'd say keep boy 2 haha, he sounds like a great guy, even if it is just a friendship I'd rather have someone like that sharing life with then with someone who doesn't really have a life beyond their own couch (sorry like I said I'm biased, and still a bit peed off lol, but at least your boy 1 has a genuine reason for living like that, mine was just too lazy to get an education and a job, nothing wrong what-so-ever).
Anyway, either way whatever you end up doing if it doesn't work out just mark it up to experience and do the opposite in the future haha. Hope everything works out for you!
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Seems like a no brainer to me! Boy #2!!!
Also, if you can't even trust #1, why are you with him? It doesn't even really sound like, from what you said that he's your "boyfriend". You can't stay with someone because you feel bad, I definitely wouldn't want someone staying with me for that reason.
On top of that, it seems like you're somewhat having an "emotional affair" with #2 already. He seems to make you happier and has a lot more of the things that would suit you best. You spend lots of time already...basically sounds like a relationship w/o the physical aspect...0 -
i'm at a confusing conflict corner of relationships right now... the classic 2 boys... who to choose. I have talked to my friends and they just give me the generic whatever makes u happy... well i've followed this advice too many times and end up screwed up... i need an objectionable opinion.
neither boy is actually a boy... boy number one is 41 years old (i am 33), is my boyfriend and lives with a pacemaker and has many health problems. he's already died and been recessitated twice in his life. he could fall over any time or defy odds for an undetermined long time. his general lifestyle is messy and lazy... largely because of illness and partially because the life he's lived has left him fairly bitter and while living on borrowed time, broke from medical issues, he doesn't really care anymore he's just enjoying day to day tv, video games, reading, and sitting around... sometimes he gets a wild hair to take the dog for a walk... he's seriously overweight, but still i'm super attracted to him and while it's a boring kind of fun... we have fun & laugh and talk a lot. and sex is great. we've been seeing each other in some fashion or another since June 2011. I do a lot to take care of him. i help with housework and bring him dinners and just provide company for his otherwise mostly solitary, reclusive life... although i only see him once or twice a week, sometimes more, occasionally less... for all i know he could have other girls coming around, i'm really not sure... not like i trust him completely and sometimes i see cause for doubt, but he says he's got friends who don't come over all he does is talk to ppl through games online or text. i can see easily that it would be hard for almost anyone to be willing to take on the life he offers. he really doesn't do anything for me... last year when i was out of a job he paid me to clean at his house... and our friendship/relationship grew from there. but he's not available to really be part of my life with my family or my kids... and i have not met any of his family and only one group of his friends.... he can't join me in the workouts i want to do... or go camping... his anxiety and illness he can barely leave the house longer than a short trip here or there and right back home... 90% of our communication is by text...
boy number two is 36 (again i am 33) we grew up in the same area... are in many ways alike... we've joked about being the male/female versions of each other... we work together now and make a good team... he has plans for opening a restaurant and we've already talked about me working there. he'd like to see me basically running the show while he cooks. he lives about a mile from me and is around my house often. he and i can talk for hours about nothing and he's really cool to my kids... he came a few weeks ago after it snowed to shovel my driveway for me... he walked through the snow to my house. he spent a sunday afternoon w my dad helping him work on his broken down car... we've spent a lot of time together.. more than me and the boyfriend together, because boy two comes to me... being that i have kids... that makes a big big difference in how much time i have to spend with someone. we often meet in the morning at one house or the other and make breakfast for each other and hang out. for weeks his been forward about liking me and wishing i didn't have a boyfriend... how much he likes my kids & fam... and how much he likes spending time with me... he says my boyfriend is an idiot for not making sure he spends all his time with me... he's already said things in future terms like.. come warm weather i can't wait to go hiking & camping with you and take the kids to the waterpark... boy two never fails to call or text "good morning sunshine" as soon as he wakes up and we talk not just text on & off all day. we only met mid december. we've talked about sex, for which i've repeatedly turned down because of having a boyfriend, and he's been perfectly respectful of my saying no lol. and even offered a massage without flirting when i had a tension headache... also i turned down. but the truth is.. we both really like each other and it's been a very strange connection where we are both super comfortable with each other and help each other in all these kinda relationship ways... even tho we're not "in a relationship." things like helping each other at work, grocery shopping and cooking together...
selfishly i'd like to continue with both the boyfriend and the friendship... for one i really care about the boyfriend... even tho he's obviously more of a burden on my life than a blessing... i don't want to break his heart... i don't want to leave him lonely... with no one helping to take care of him. even tho sometimes i feel like i could stay or go and he won't care either way, all the while saying he wants me around. there's really no future there accept to be part of his life and watch him die... but i think guy number 2 and i might really click and that there's something between us i really can't control. he's not going to just wait around 1-20 years while i am with someone else... and doesn't want to pursue anything unless i "leave the baggage at the lost and found" as he so elegantly put it... guy number 2 obviously gives me much more attention than my boyfriend... and wants to participate in my life...
what's my question?? i'm sure by now it's get to the point... what would you do? what should i do? i think guy number 2 is going to end up seeking an answer while we are hanging out tonight... and my boyfriend is sitting by himself... "being tired" or playing online video games... i just need some objectionable feedback to bounce ideas through... thanks to anyone who's read this far.
I didnt even need to finish the descriptions for either of them for me to go with 2. First of all he's more your age and you can go out and have fun and do the whole dating thing which is fun! INstead of sticking with this guy who cant do those things with and for you. Either way, good luck! 0 -
You have already chosen. You can tell by how you have written the descriptions. Go to night and start fresh with #2....But before you leave; Tell Guy 1 you are going out on a date... you will be back later to discuss.
It will give him some time alone to think about everything.
Guy #1 is bringing you down. You are changing your life to make them fit.0 -
Having been in a marriage where I felt obligated to stay, to avoid breaking her heart, I can honestly say go with "boy" #2. In the long term I believe you're going to start to resent your boyfriend for not being the man that your friend is. While you may care for him, you have to ask yourself if he's good for you. Most people don't break up with their significant other in order to hurt them, but the fact is, it happens regardless. The longer you stay with him, the harder it's going to be to go.
Boy #2 sounds like a good person. He seems patient and loving. If I were in your position, I would break it off with your current boyfriend, but DO NOT go out with boy #2 yet. Give him a month or two. If he continues to be supportive and caring even though you're holding out, that indicates that there's a good chance he's a keeper. Think it over.0 -
like what everyone else said. you've sorta answered your own question...boy 2 is a better fit. more give AND take, chivalrous, and what i think is a very important factor seems to not only be there for you but also your kids... that's an important connection right there!!!!
number one while not a bad guy, can't (or won't) give you any of those things, and co-dependance easily turns to resentment on the give give and more giving giver's part...
I'd go for the happiness... and you can't guarentee any situation will turn out perfect, however relationships function much more smoothly when both partners are willing to give 100% to the other and give and take 0 -
wow... thanks for the overwhelming response. i think yeah i should go ahead w boy number 2. i just now gotta decide how/when to talk to boy 1 and get past all of this... i know many have commented on his behavior and all... he is a good person and when we are together we have a great time.. but he needs me and i don't need him... we've come past a point of being committed... and if he were my husband most people would say different... that the relationship is about not walking away from each other when the support is most needed... when i say the man is sick... i mean sick... like a lot of bathroom issues, difficulty breathing, ect... it's not guilt i feel...it's love. tossing him to the side because he's a dying man who can't fulfill certain needs in my life seems like a kick in the face... especially because i've known from the beginning that getting serious with him would certainly mean that some things i would never be able to do because he simply can't... we've had that talk so many times and he's been left several times over for the same thing... because people don't understand that he just can't... my heart breaks. i'm basically someone who committed into a difficult relationship and now pretty much cheated and am going to dump him off to fend for himself so i can move on with life... kinda makes me sound like a jerk.
for those who asked what he did before me... well before me it had been a long time since his first medical "death" and pacemaker... he had the second right before we met.. which put him out of work for over 2 months and sank him in medical debt... now he's only living to keep lights on, stay in his apt and pay for the crap they did to keep him alive... leaving him with a life that's barely livable... before that happened he was doing well for himself on his own...0 -
Dump Boy 1. Keep Boy 2.
this^^^0 -
Seems like a no brainer to me! Boy #2!!!
Also, if you can't even trust #1, why are you with him? It doesn't even really sound like, from what you said that he's your "boyfriend". You can't stay with someone because you feel bad, I definitely wouldn't want someone staying with me for that reason.
On top of that, it seems like you're somewhat having an "emotional affair" with #2 already. He seems to make you happier and has a lot more of the things that would suit you best. You spend lots of time already...basically sounds like a relationship w/o the physical aspect...
I agree!!!! Lose Boy#1 and date Boy#20 -
You've already made up your mind, you just can't see it yet...Look at the way you describe 1 and 2. See the big difference? You want to be with 2, but your kindness is holding you to 1. You can't do that to yourself. I think things will just get worse and worse for you if you stay with 1, and make it worse for him in the process. And, not only make it worse for you and 1, but cause issues with 2 (this sounds like a riddle lol). I say lose 1, win 2...and stay friends with 1: make sure the relationship ends on good terms and stays that way. Ultimately, it won't be you who hurts him, he's hurting himself..0
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I was in a 4 year relationship with my personal version of Boy #1...I finally left, mainly because there were things I wanted that he didn't...and I did not have "Boy #2" anywhere near by. It was very difficult to leave knowing I would be alone...but I had to do it. Eight years later I still don't have "Boy #2" but I sure feel better about myself than when I stayed in a relationship that was ruining my emotional and physical health...forget about #2 for a moment and determine if you are getting what you want/need from your relationship with your CURRENT boyfriend.
Good luck!0 -
I am with most people on here #2. You don't want to leave #1 because you have sympathy for him, but this is your life not his and it's time to move on.0
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Boy #2! boy #1 just sounds like you're taking care of a child, and that isn't what relationships are about... especially when you already have your own children to take care of.0
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