Finally...

For the last 16 years of my life, I have been obese. I'm only 24 years old. For most of my life, up until about 9 years ago, that wasn't my fault. I wasn't in control of my environment or the food that was given to me. I made bad decisions but was allowed to make those. No one took control of my out of control eating in a way that helped me. Instead, when I was 11, I was on the Atkins diet and drinking diet soda while still eating super sized fast food meals.

In middle school, I started noticing a noise my knees made when I went up or down stairs. It was a weird creaking noise that anyone could hear if it was quiet enough.

In high school, I was 220 pounds on a 5' 9" frame. I took weight loss aids and tried weight watchers online. I had trouble finding clothes to wear that I felt good in, was made fun of because of my weight, and avoided any kind of physical activities because I was concerned with looking silly.

That feeling followed me into college. I hated going to the gym. It wasn't that I hated working out, I actually enjoy feeling my muscles burn and getting my heart rate going. It was the all consuming feeling that EVERYONE was watching me. Everyone was looking to see how fast I was going on the elliptical. I wasn't going fast enough, or my fat was flopping around. I couldn't lift heavy enough weights, everyone must notice the way my arms hang when I try to lift free weights. I love to dance but am consumed with fear on the dance floor about how ridiculous I look. "Look at that fat girl trying to dance." I feel more comfortable sitting in a desk or a corner booth or standing in a corner. If I don't move, I don't look silly, and oh, I also have less chance of hurting myself or others since I'm really clumsy all the time.

I have been yo-yoing for 5 years now between 298 (heaviest was 303) and 265. I've tried Weight Watchers only online, online and in meetings, I've tried just counting calories and eating all sorts of frozen meals and "lite" options. I even tried HCG injections from a medical clinic. 5 days a week I would get up half an hour early to literally stick a needle in my stomach and pump my body full of hormones that would supposedly help me lose weight. They did, until I cheated on the 800 calorie a day diet and ballooned up 5 pounds in a week (not water weight). Not to mention the cost of the treatments. I went to an introductory seminar about gastric bypass, decided to get the sleeve procedure done, so far as inquiring with my insurance through the hospital. It wasn't covered, only the band or the full bypass was so I gave up on that as well. I realized that I had a pattern. I would lose about 30 pounds, get down to 265, and either hit a plateau or let the holidays get me off track. I'd balloon back up to 298 and freak out, and start my efforts all over again. I started going to a therapist to discover WHY I kept doing that.

I realized a few things. Number one: I still had no control over my environment, the food that entered and stayed in the house I lived in. I lived with my mother and grandmother, both who are overweight. My mother is obese and diabetic. We, at one point, had 3 refrigerators and 2 freezers in our home. This wasn't only for us, but my mother ran a catering business and claimed she needed the space for the platters and other things needed to run it. Eventually, as business slowed down, all of the refrigerators were full of our left overs from restaurants, junk food, and mostly rotten fruits and vegetables. In the dining room, my mother constructed a 5 level shelf for extra canned foods and processed chips, sauces, and junk. It was always full. The dining room table, more often than not, had a box of chips on it.

I stress eat, and confronted with so many horrible options, I always ALWAYS headed for those. My grandmother constantly got on me and tried to convince me to try this diet or that diet. I lashed out in frustration and would end up grabbing another bag of chips or crackers and spray cheese. I look back on my diet while I was living there and feel sick knowing how much processed crap I put in my body.

I tried moving out with 3 of my friends, and thought that I was in control of my environment then. But clashes with the other female roommate left me more stressed and wanting to spend more time outside of the apartment. That led to drive thrus and going home to Mom and Gram, back to the environment I was trying to escape.

In that time I graduated college and got a job at a high school as an English teacher. I had enough salary that I could move out on my own completely if I needed too. My boyfriend of about a year and I started looking at apartments one weekend, moved in 3 weeks later.

I am finally in control of my environment. David (now my fiance), is health conscious himself having struggled with weight in high school. Our home is clean and organized (which lowers my stress), and the "junk" food in our home is never worse for us than a Special K cereal bar or a mini bag of popcorn. We don't have a "pantry," just one cabinet for spices, canned veggies (few and far between, we prefer fresh), and breads. Another cabinet for teas, popcorn, coffee, and our cereal. The rest of our food is fresh veggies and fruits, whole meats, skim milk, etc. We still eat out, but we're slowly finding the meals that work and the restaurants that we can go to and still eat healthy.

I finally have the support and mental health I need to succeed. And I have something even better (in my opinion). A specific day to set a goal to. August 4th, 2013 David and I will be married. It's still 18 months away. But on that day I want to look my best. I want to start my life as a married woman healthy, fit, and ready for anything. I want to know on that day, that I have done everything I can to live the longest, happiest life I can. For him, and for our future family.

I've been hesitant to post on these forums because I actually have been on MyFitnessPal before, during the HCG experiment, and on my own. MFP is a great tool, but without the real life support and mental focus, it's not a magic bullet (of which there is none). I also have witnessed people harassing other people about their choices in the way they lose weight. As part of the HCG group, I faced criticism about the diet and how horrible it was for my health. It didn't work for me in the long run, but I know people who are healthy who it did work for. Weight loss surgery isn't for me, but there are people out there (and one amazing woman I work with) who have gone through it and come out the other end stronger and healthier for it. There are people who have used Weight Watchers to their success, and people who are healthier on the Atkins diet or the South Beach diet or any score of diets that are healthy and have had success. I don't want to get into any more debates. I don't need the stress of reading someone tearing another person's choices apart.

What I am here for, is to share my experiences, my triumphs, my pit falls. To find a group of people who I can talk to honestly and without fear of being judged. Who can express their opinions respectfully and accept different ones. If I can help someone by telling them my story, and they can help me by telling me theirs, that is what I'm here for. That is what this entire forum is for.