Dear Goblin, Advice Column

TheGoblinRoad
TheGoblinRoad Posts: 835 Member
edited November 9 in Chit-Chat
Just sharing this for your morning entertainment (or non-entertainment, if you don't find it entertaining but read it anyway for some reason, perhaps with hope.)


Dear Goblin,

My kid's driving me nuts! He doesn't seem to be capable of remembering to put away his toys after he plays with them. I find myself constantly stepping on one of his little racecars, barefoot, while walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night! Why they're in the hallway, I have no idea, but toys are everywhere. I have even found toys under the sink. Toys in the cupboard, just like in that movie. And once, toys in the toilet! He said "It's a pool, Daddy!" Help me, how can I fix this problem?
-Bewildered in Texas

Bewildered-
I feel your pain. No, that's wrong. I laugh at your pain. This story amuses this goblin greatly, so from the bottom of my left heart, I thank you for sharing your torment. Truth is, he's a kid, and kids like toys. Even goblin kids like toys, especially the severed pixie heads, which make the most purplish mess everywhere. Thank Gob I enjoy a disgusting house.
That said, you're the Dad and that makes you the boss. (Unless, of course, you have a wife, in which case she's the boss. Trust me, it's better. Being King's better if your Queen takes on all the responsibilities and random beheadings.)
Because you're PRESUMABLY the boss, what you say goes. And if you say toys go, then toys go. I don't want you to make a huge mistake of yanking these toys out of the hands of your precious son. I don't want you to yell at him. He's your son. You shouldn't yell at him, but instead make fun of his nose. Kids have absurd noses. I don't know how they breathe out of those tiny nostrils. Then, gently, and very slowly so that he's watching, gather up all his toys into a large box. Take the box into your kitchen. Plug in the blender. Preferably a Blast-O-Matic 3000. Then while he's watching, proceed to blend each toy into fine pieces. Continue until finished.
Then laugh. Don't forget to pat him on the head. He's your son, after all.
By the way, you can send the box of disintegrated toys to me. They make EXCELLENT smoothies, which your ridiculously tiny stomach is incapable of digesting.

With the sincerest of sincerity, yours untruly, Dear Goblin.

[ Note: I'll post the rest on my blog, if you want to read more. :D]

Replies

  • TheGoblinRoad
    TheGoblinRoad Posts: 835 Member
    Forgot to add:

    If you want advice on fitness or weight loss from a Goblin, that should absolutely not be followed at all, whatsoever, because it's absurd goblin advice, give me questions to answer!
  • d2footballJRC
    d2footballJRC Posts: 2,684 Member
    .
  • TheGoblinRoad
    TheGoblinRoad Posts: 835 Member
    Speechless?

    This could be a good thing or a bad thing. :)
  • TheGoblinRoad
    TheGoblinRoad Posts: 835 Member
    Bump. Bumpity bump.
  • ElizabethRoad
    ElizabethRoad Posts: 5,138 Member
    Hey, we have the same last name. Do you think we're related?
  • TheGoblinRoad
    TheGoblinRoad Posts: 835 Member
    Yes, I do. But we may be very very very very very distant cousins.


    Hi, cousin. :)
  • jipsybird
    jipsybird Posts: 878 Member
    I read the column in another spot... awesomely hilarious! :) Thinking of what to write to a goblin.... *pondering*
  • ladyjeanne57
    ladyjeanne57 Posts: 39 Member
    Too funny.
  • TheGoblinRoad
    TheGoblinRoad Posts: 835 Member
    I read the column in another spot... awesomely hilarious! :) Thinking of what to write to a goblin.... *pondering*

    They like everything, even love letters. But the love letters are best if they're from other goblins. They're prejudiced in that way. No inter-species mixing.
  • sundancer1966
    sundancer1966 Posts: 478 Member
    very funny!!
  • hypotrochoid
    hypotrochoid Posts: 842 Member
    No no no.... We must not look at goblin men, we must not buy their fruits; who knows upon what soil they fed their hungry, thirsty roots?

    *shudder*
  • ZombieChaser
    ZombieChaser Posts: 1,555 Member
    lol I like this :)

    I too, am pondering on what question to pose to a goblin....and also hoping I can handle the response ;)
  • TheGoblinRoad
    TheGoblinRoad Posts: 835 Member
    No no no.... We must not look at goblin men, we must not buy their fruits; who knows upon what soil they fed their hungry, thirsty roots?

    *shudder*

    This goblin is not a fruit seller. That would be another goblin, named Roshkel, who has a store.
  • TheGoblinRoad
    TheGoblinRoad Posts: 835 Member
    lol I like this :)

    I too, am pondering on what question to pose to a goblin....and also hoping I can handle the response ;)

    Aren't we all?

    At the moment, dear goblin is sleeping, as he often is. Any questions submitted would be considered over a bowl of muddy cereal. He can't answer them all. Naps DO have to be taken. Also, he can't type at all, his fingers are much too large. So I have to do the typing for him. For free, of course.

    For free.






    You'd think I'd get paid. Cheapskate goblins.
  • myopus
    myopus Posts: 321 Member
    Dear Goblin,
    I have a bathroom scale that I think doesn't like me. No overt violence so I don't think it's evil; just a temperament difference I guess. Since you ingest toys, I thought maybe you'd like my scale, or maybe Feed the Goblins or a Goblinwill I can drop it off at.
    It would have to be soon.
    Please advise,
    m.o.
  • TheGoblinRoad
    TheGoblinRoad Posts: 835 Member
    Dear Goblin,
    I have a bathroom scale that I think doesn't like me. No overt violence so I don't think it's evil; just a temperament difference I guess. Since you ingest toys, I thought maybe you'd like my scale, or maybe Feed the Goblins or a Goblinwill I can drop it off at.
    It would have to be soon.
    Please advise,
    m.o.

    I whispered it into his horrid, stinky ear and he is intrigued by this question. You might see a response. ;)
This discussion has been closed.

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