Let's Tell Each Other Jokes!

Q. what’s the best time to go to the dentist?
A. tooth-hurty

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam.

Two muffins were baking in the oven. The first muffin said "Boy, it's hot in here!"
The second muffin said "AAAAAAAAAHHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!"

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam.

:laugh: AAAAAAAAAAAAhahhahaha! I love it!

My all time fave as a kid

what do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud!!

.........

And one that my mum used to use on us kids...

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Gota
Gota who?
Gota bed and shut up!

:-)

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

---

Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

JM

A termite walks into a bar and asks is the bar tender here?

My all time favorite!!!

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge # 3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting she*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment! **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

^ :laugh:

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns


Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic


Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a *****.
Sincerely,
The Titanic


Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic.. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

Sincerely,
Anonymous


Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada


Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just
saying...
Sincerely,
Google


Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF
happened?!

Sincerely,
1985


Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle


Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that Door for the both of us.
Sincerely,
Jack
PS, you let go


Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God



Dear Michael Jackson,
You really should have became a Catholic Priest. The pay isn't great, but
the benefits....
Sincerely, The Pope


Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely, Stevie Wonder


Dear Nickleback,
That's enough.
Sincerely, The World


Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely, Black people


Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely, Sarah Palin


Dear Mary,
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of
hand.
Sincerely, Joseph


Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely, United States


Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely, Parents Everywhere


Dear Anne Frank,
Two can play this game....
Sincerely, Waldo


Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely, Superman


Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies


Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely, Al Gore


Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely, Alcohol


Dear Mr. Gump
WTF are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that
tells you
EXACTLY what you're gonna get....
Sincerely, Jenny


Dear Katy Perry,
I liked the kiss too.
Sincerely, Justin Beiber


Dear Haiti,
Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?
Sincerely,
Seriously Going To Hell


Dear Martin Luther King Jr.
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream....
What
now?
Sincerely,
Leonardo Di Caprio


Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because
some
Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans


Dear Snooki,
GET BACK TO WORK!
Sincerely,
Willy Wonka


Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans


Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You
piece of
shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User


Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified


Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore


Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant


Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was
here
first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper

These are sooooo freaking hilarious!