How to motivate someone else

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jmjatlanta
jmjatlanta Posts: 25
in Motivation and Support
Looking for advice to help a friend.

I have somewhat recently (3 yrs ago) taken steps to get myself healthy. While always thin, I wasn't healthy. I am now doing much better. I cannot believe all the areas of life this journey has improved. Now I wish to pay it forward, but need help.

I have a friend, not a close friend, but a friend. He is morbidly obese. He has health conditions that hold him back. I'm willing to put in the time to help him out. I love to research different ways of working around issues, I do that for a living.

He has never expressed to me the desire of being healthy. In fact, our conversations often revolve around food. He likes it in large quantities.

I'm at a bit of a loss, not being in his situation before. I want to approach him in a way that doesn't hurt his feelings. I want to tell him I'm concerned about his health, and want to help him make positive steps.

If I can find a way to help him, I'm in for the long haul. I'm already working on the "close friend" part. I'm not doing it with an agenda. I do want to befriend him. But I also want to see him get better before it gets worse.

I've been digging into research regarding the psychological aspects of being overweight. Most of what I've been reading have to do with mental roadblocks a person puts up, or the effects of negative comments on someone with this condition, or what a physician can say, or how the "intervention" method does not work. I have found very little about how to approach this from the "friend" perspective.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Replies

  • wonnder1
    wonnder1 Posts: 460
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    Nope. It won't work. There is no way. It will never happen.

    I don't know how to make it clearer. We all get there in our own time. I suppose you could ask him to go for walks with you, maybe you want a partner to feel safe or something. That will help with the closer friend part. But his food choices? No, they will always be his.
  • ttate002
    ttate002 Posts: 54
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    DO NOT tell this man anything about his weight, exercise, or food! He KNOWS he has a weight problem and by you trying to help you will only hurt him. I've been obese all my life. By people calling me, saying I need to go on a diet, suggesting I work out with them, etc. did not just automatically make me start wanting to change. The change comes from within. He will change if and when he's ready. Sad truth there is nothing you can do to help. If he asks you for advice then give it to him, but do not offer your unsolicited advice. This will only hurt him and ruin your friendship. Trust me I used to weigh 348 lbs.
  • MaximalLife
    MaximalLife Posts: 2,447 Member
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    Give it up - you can not motivate the unmotivated.

    That either comes from within or not.
    Sorry, either just accept your friend as is or ditch the relationship.
    I have done both with different people, because attitudes, especially bad ones, are contagious.
  • Sl1ghtly
    Sl1ghtly Posts: 855 Member
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    Cash.
  • maddymama
    maddymama Posts: 1,183 Member
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    As PPs have mentioned, you can only motivate yourself and control yourself. You have no ability to control another person's actions. All you can do is cheer on their good choices, if and when they make them.

    Congratulations yourself on making healthier choices in life!
  • chachita7
    chachita7 Posts: 996 Member
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    DON'T DO IT... DON'T TRY - The healthy living journey is almost as religion and politics - to each their own.
  • lollyish
    lollyish Posts: 75 Member
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    I agree with what everyone else has said, i never used to feel better when my friends would tell me i have a problem. In fact, it made me want to eat more! I think the best way is to workout near him, always eat healthy around him. Motivation comes from the individual, and I know I changed because I was jealous of my healthier friends!
  • Bentley2718
    Bentley2718 Posts: 1,690 Member
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    If he doesn't want your help, you trying to "give" it to him will do nothing but frustrate and/or upset both of you. Find someone who actually wants help, and help them.
  • CMmrsfloyd
    CMmrsfloyd Posts: 2,383 Member
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    He really has to want it for himself.
  • H_Factor
    H_Factor Posts: 1,722 Member
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    As much as you want to be a true friend and help, you can't. He has to be the one to make up his own mind that he hates his current lifestyle enough and is ready to make a change. Until he reaches a point of acknowledging what he hates about his current lifestyle, he will keep on living the same way.

    I had plenty of loved ones tell me many times that they wished I would lose some weight and become more healthy. They said it in mostly nice ways. I always knew they meant well, but I took it as nagging at the time. It made me more stubborn. I needed to make the decision for myself. Thankfully I did...but it was only after I told all of the loved ones to, in essence, stop nagging me about my weight because it wasn't helping.
  • lacroyx
    lacroyx Posts: 5,754 Member
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    I got a friend who was hospitalized due to blood clots. a bunch in his lungs, 1 in his leg and 1 that was leading to a major artery going into his heart. doctors told him he was lucky to be alive. he got injured a few years back and the doctors told him they flared up due to him being inactive and eating crap. he was unemployed for almost a year. sat at home, ate junk.

    he is a couple hundred lbs. overweight. I tried to in the past get him to join me @ the YMCA. He said he joined when I would reach his weight or past it. he's about 400 lbs. that came and went. I referred him to MFP, I'd even offered to pick him up from his place to go hit the YMCA together since at the time he had only unemployment income and gas can get expensive. It worked for a month or so. was gung ho about going, he told me he quit soda pop. but after 1 month, he started up again. He stopped going to the YMCA, said he forgot the login info to MFP and just hasn't gotten around to getting the password reset. he has to take blood thiners for the rest of his life now. and he seems to be fine with it. I've gotten pissed at him about not giving 2 balls about his life. but thats it, it's his life.

    If he reaches out for help I'll be there to help him but frankly I am done trying to get him to care.
  • becoming_a_new_me
    becoming_a_new_me Posts: 1,860 Member
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    Once upon a time, I weighed in excess of 450 lbs. It was not a secret to me that I was obese, unhealthy, and on the wrong path. It did not help that family and friends constantly reminded me of what I could clearly see in the mirror.

    If you want to be a true friend, demonstrate by example. If you invite him over for a meal, serve a healthy one with healthy portions. Do not plan your activities around food but rather around light activity.

    Motivation comes from within...just be a good friend and if he discloses that he wants to lose weight then support but don't smother. If you cannot be a friend without thinking that he needs to change, then you need to re-visit why you are friends in the first place. I understand concern, but you can't MAKE anyone change.
  • RUN2CJ
    RUN2CJ Posts: 64 Member
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    Congratulations to you for your healthy choices but DO NOT try to force/assist someone else with them.

    My S.O. and I just broke off a 12 year relationship and not all, but a good portion of it was due in part to his unhealthy choices in life. I believe that I was as close as close friends could be with this person!!!
    I tried and still now love him for his heart and what was within. In the end my nagging and pushing only pushed him away, and frustrated the both of us. I also realized that I allowed his lack of judgment for food and his health to affect me. Before I realized it, I am now in need of some serious weight loss myself. I thought that the positive change I was making in my life would motivate him. WRONG. Offer what advice you can but ultimately weight loss HAS to come from the individual or it’s never going to work.

    I was told that mentally an obese person knows that they are overweight and it’s hard to always be the heaviest person in a room. There is so much that he did share with me that I will never understand. I am 185 pounds now, he is still 425 pounds,,, If you have never been that heavy it will be hard for you to remotely understand what an obese person faces from day to day.
  • jmjatlanta
    jmjatlanta Posts: 25
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    Wow, what an overwhelming response. It looks like I simply need to invite him over for meals once in a while, and hope and wait for him to make the move.

    Oh, and for the "cash" comment... LOL...

    Thanks for the input.

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