the dark side of my weight loss

i don't really know where to begin...
i am really just in need of rambling and i've no one to talk to at the moment...
i am not feeling well today physically...
which led to feeling unwell mentally and emotionally...
which led to feeling unwell spiritually...

i am filled...
at present....
with an extreme aching sense of longing and unfulfillment...
and because i am having success with my eating habits and weight loss...
i don't have the luxury ....or delusion ,rather...
of blaming it on that

i think what has happened...
is that because i am not dealing with my unhappiness by overeating anymore...
i am being flooded by all the years i have stuffed down along with mountains of death on a spoon....
my life has been colorful and dramatic in it's highs and lows...
well, ever since i can remember...
from the point at age 4 when my father died...
to present...

at some point , i stopped striving and decided instead, to accept every mediocre piece of my life...
to live with it...
deal with it...by taking the position that nothing was as bad as i thought....it was just me....that it was my fault...that something must be...
deeply and inherently wrong with me

i always see myself as the problem or variant in any situation...
maybe to avoid the sense of abject anger and disappointment i feel toward many i love...and who profess to love me...
in every romantic endeavor and every personal relationship... i have always told myself...
it's you tracy...
if you were good enough...if you would do things right....
things would be better...
your needs and desires would be met...
you could have love and acceptance from those you love

i have carried abuse ...
and anger....
guilt...shame....disappointment....and a hurt deep in the core of me ...across so many long years...

and food (along with alcoholand sexual indulgence at times)...
has been my way of coping...

i guess i have always wanted to destroy myself unconciously...

and when that changed...and my eyes were opened...
so were those festering unattended wounds...

i have been taking anti-depressants and meds to stabilize my moods for years....
but always....
something was missing...

conciousness....
mindful living...LIFE ITSELF...

i've been asleep inside myself...waiting for my prince, my kiss of life...

there is no prince...

no one is coming...and on some level i have always known that...


i do not want to dive into the dormant nightmare , all the unresolved issues in my mind, my heart, my soul...

but i will have to go through to get to the other side...

no detours, distractions....
no way out but through

it hit me just how extensive an undertaking this is going to be.

almost 30 years of healing need to take place in my life.

this is not just about my outside...or my physical inside....this is about the whole of me or absence of it...

i just feel like retreating

this will be the hardest thing i have ever done and i am afraid...

bc
once you realize a pressing need for reform exists...it's like those photos that look like a bunch of patterns or designs with hidden pictures...
it can take forever to see it...
sometimes you can never see it....but once you do...

you cannot "unsee" it...and that means change...temporary discomfort...

(to quote pink floyd here)
i have been exchanging hot ashes for trees, hot air for a cool breeze, cold comfort for change....


fulfillment and happiness are journeys rather than destinations...
so it may call for me to take up my roots ...
and move on....

leaving some things (and peple) i may find nearly impossible to let go...
far behind me


missing pieces, meaning...
mystery and wonder.... self-actualization and fulfillment...
these i seek....

but fear more than the pain i've hosted all my life

(i posted this before one night....but didn't really let what i said sink into my own mind....this is for anyone who mighty relate)