MIL and I on the outs because of food and fitness.
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Levity14
Posts: 34 Member
I had to nicely ask my MIL to stop emailing me coupons for fast food places. I also had to explain to her that it isn't that I don't want to see her, but every time she wants to meet up or visit she wants to bring me my death food -- PIZZA.
She gifts my husband and I cards to Outback and other food related things.
She just doesn't GET IT. No matter how much I politely decline, she is relentless.
She is VERY obese and VERY ill from it. My Husband told me she called and said she was having a hard time walking and didn't leave her place on the weekends anymore because it was hard for her to walk and move her body down the stairs.
Privately I sent her a message asking how she was and that I heard she was unwell. We chatted back and forth a bit about food and working out. She said she eats MC donalds 5 days a week and I suggested to her nicely things that were working for me and she suddenly EXPLODES. Tells me I need to be put in my place and to never preach to her again. And she doesn't have a food problem. . .
WOW. Pardon me for caring. I was ANYTHING but preachy. -I just said that instead of mc donalds she could try having oatmeal at home.
- Now I was just married last november. . . ugh MIL problems already???
I know people are sensitive about weight, I myself lost 100 lbs. It was hard and terrible but I did. i know what it takes to have to stay motivated on and on. It was very difficult for me to see someone who I am welcoming as a new family member dying of food and obesity. It hits too close to home you know?
With this and the knowledge that both of her sons are just flat out fed up with trying to talk to her about it - because she keeps making excuses for everything that goes wrong in her life. . . I felt I had to try and reach out.
MY BIG MISTAKE!
It has been two weeks now since her explosion. She calls her sons cellphone daily but I don't answer her calls and neither does my husband. He is upset with her acting like a 12 year old.
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I really don't know what to do. Part of me is super pissed that this woman would be so nasty to me when I was just talking about suggestions that work for me. I don't want to see her or have her over - I don't want anyone in my life who is going to turn on a dime to me. I don't like people that are trying to fill me up with pizzas when they know I'm trying to reign it all in. I like peace and she is REALLY moody. - Thing is I know it stems from being unhappy because she is unhealthy and always disappointing herself. If she would only stop going to mcdonalds and eat right and maybe try to walk or swim. I know she would be SO much happier and healthier.
She is one of these mothers that wants her sons to be at her beck and call doing everything for her - atleast that is what both of them have told me. But neither of them are rushing to her side because she is this annoying guilt tripper. .. this just pushes people away. UGH
You can't really disassociate from a MIL can you? You can't just let her go off and die from mcdonalds can you? Any ideas advice? I really don't want this person in my life but it looks like I am stuck with it.
She gifts my husband and I cards to Outback and other food related things.
She just doesn't GET IT. No matter how much I politely decline, she is relentless.
She is VERY obese and VERY ill from it. My Husband told me she called and said she was having a hard time walking and didn't leave her place on the weekends anymore because it was hard for her to walk and move her body down the stairs.
Privately I sent her a message asking how she was and that I heard she was unwell. We chatted back and forth a bit about food and working out. She said she eats MC donalds 5 days a week and I suggested to her nicely things that were working for me and she suddenly EXPLODES. Tells me I need to be put in my place and to never preach to her again. And she doesn't have a food problem. . .
WOW. Pardon me for caring. I was ANYTHING but preachy. -I just said that instead of mc donalds she could try having oatmeal at home.
- Now I was just married last november. . . ugh MIL problems already???
I know people are sensitive about weight, I myself lost 100 lbs. It was hard and terrible but I did. i know what it takes to have to stay motivated on and on. It was very difficult for me to see someone who I am welcoming as a new family member dying of food and obesity. It hits too close to home you know?
With this and the knowledge that both of her sons are just flat out fed up with trying to talk to her about it - because she keeps making excuses for everything that goes wrong in her life. . . I felt I had to try and reach out.
MY BIG MISTAKE!
It has been two weeks now since her explosion. She calls her sons cellphone daily but I don't answer her calls and neither does my husband. He is upset with her acting like a 12 year old.
-
I really don't know what to do. Part of me is super pissed that this woman would be so nasty to me when I was just talking about suggestions that work for me. I don't want to see her or have her over - I don't want anyone in my life who is going to turn on a dime to me. I don't like people that are trying to fill me up with pizzas when they know I'm trying to reign it all in. I like peace and she is REALLY moody. - Thing is I know it stems from being unhappy because she is unhealthy and always disappointing herself. If she would only stop going to mcdonalds and eat right and maybe try to walk or swim. I know she would be SO much happier and healthier.
She is one of these mothers that wants her sons to be at her beck and call doing everything for her - atleast that is what both of them have told me. But neither of them are rushing to her side because she is this annoying guilt tripper. .. this just pushes people away. UGH
You can't really disassociate from a MIL can you? You can't just let her go off and die from mcdonalds can you? Any ideas advice? I really don't want this person in my life but it looks like I am stuck with it.
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Replies
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I have a bit of a tumultuous relationship with my mother-in-law. Honestly, I think that you have to let your husband fight that battle. I don't engage in negative back-and-forth with mine anymore. In fact, I blocked her e-mail long ago, because she would say things she would never say to my face via e-mail. This woman obviously does not want to change and nothing you will say is going to get her to do something different. I am guessing she is pretty miserable, knowing that she has done this to herself. Your success may be a remider of her failure. It is not worth your time to continue to engage with her about her weight problem. If she wants to change at some point, she knows you are there.0
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Thank you for your reply! I've also blocked my MIL from email and facebook. He can just deal with her I guess!0
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My mom has multiple health problems (diabetes, high blood pressure, knee problems, and more). She complains constantly about her health and how she feels bad, yet I've come to her home and found a half eaten pan of warm brownies when she is the only one home.
I have tried several times to get her to do anything. I rearranged my schedule and went to zumba with her. She when twice, and come up with about 4 reasons she couldn't do it.
So i suggest water aerobics, which again would mean rearranging my schedule. No, she refuses to get in a pool.
Our Gym got a nu-step trainer for people which is used in therapy for pepole who have had knee surgery, non weight bearing. so I got her to go to the gym, 2x. the 2nd time her blood sugar went down to 40 by the time she got home. But then she found excuses not to go.
So, I give. She obvious wants to stay the way she is unhappy, and unhealthy! There is nothing I can do about it. But she is still my mom and I love her. So I still see her although I do have to limit it cause I just cant handle her. If she complains (which she always does), I just listen, and say nothing, and then try to change the subject.
Unfortunately there is really nothing you can do for your mom-in-law unless she wants to change. If you figure something out I would love to know, what works0 -
Her issues are not with you. She may have taken it out on you but she is likely upset with herself. Dont take is so personal. No one likes being that over weight and will only do something about it when and if she is ready to do something about it. She is in denial. Do you really want to start your marriage out with this much drama? Move on and let this go...try to create a situation that you can live with that won't drive a wedge between you and your husband. That's my two cents.0
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unless a person wants and is ready to help themselves you can't really help them. It won't really matter if you want to get along with her or not because she will continue to try to feed you poorly and push your buttons on that topic.
You've tried to be rational about it. Showed you cared and she cannot open herself up to the possibility of change. It's not you that has the problem and unfortunately she can live in denial for as long as her health problems let her really.
I wish you luck, but you can't beat yourself up over it. Life moves forward whether people want it to or not.0 -
Her issues are not with you. She may have taken it out on you but she is likely upset with herself. Dont take is so personal. No one likes being that over weight and will only do something about it when and if she is ready to do something about it. She is in denial. Do you really want to start your marriage out with this much drama? Move on and let this go...try to create a situation that you can live with that won't drive a wedge between you and your husband. That's my two cents.
Exactly what I was thinking. You can keep politely declining her invites to pizza and fast food, and when she visits or you visit her, you can volunteer to bring/prepare the food. Be graceful...its the only way you can win this one. Maybe someday she'll be ready to make the change that you have already made and your relationship will still be intact so you can help her along the way. Until then, just keep working your plan and remember that its your plan, not hers. There is nothing wrong with making a suggestion, but now that you have and it was not well received, leave it alone.0 -
Although your comments to your mother-in-law were well intended you should have thought of yourself in her shoes and hearing what you know are well meant words, clearly hurt her. Maybe you could not comment on her lack of eating well and even if you get coupons you can throw them away or hit delete before opening the e-mail. Of course feelings are hard to tippy toe around but it's clear the food subject is not something to talk about. After all it's her decision to continue to eat the way she does and you can't change someones mind how to improve themselves, THEY HAVE TO DO IT ON THEIR OWN.
Good luck in what ever you decide...:ohwell:0 -
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Family stuff can be so difficult. I agree with everyone's comments and I would just like to emphasize that your husband really needs to take the lead here... which it seems like he's doing. If he's not taking her calls for now, I think it's ok for you to let her be... with the hope and prayer that she'll come to a place where she starts valuing herself and starts wanting to take care of her body and her relationships with her children.
Your MIL is addicted to food and until SHE decides to change her life, it's not going to change.0 -
Thank you for all of your thoughts - I do want to handle this well - and gracefully. I don't want drama with her this early! Her and I have had talks about food and fitness in the past and it was very positively received. This time no way! I spoke to her about her weight and health directly because I feel like people who care about you tell you the truth.
I guess I was just treating her like family. And in my family we are straight up with each other. I'm not used to people who never say anything. People who just live their lives with a lot of unsaid tension.
Anyway, I am considering all of your points of views. There is a lot of great thoughts here thanks again
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I've had to talk with both of my parents about their weight issues. My mom is 50 lbs over weight and my dad is considered moribidly obese 5'10 and 330 lbs. I have even set up apts for them to see speciality doctors, dietician, weight watchers, jenny craig, and therapists and such. But to no avail they don't want to work on this. My mom has lost 17 lbs but my dad won't budge to to anything. My mom is 75 and my dad is 73. They lead a very sedentary life style. Negativity has set in, they see the worst in everything. My dad favorite saying right now is "your concerned now, why now, its a little to late"....
I have even asked them if they want to see future grandkids as my husband and I have been trying to have kids. They are already missing out on the lives of the other grandkids, and the possibility of making more family memories and time.
I've had a hard time, to go visit with them due to all of this, and them making me feel guilty.0 -
I think cutting her off completely might be a bad idea-- she is your mother-in-law forever and you can't just leave all communication up to your husband. However, my husband and I have a rule when it comes to drama-- he handles his family drama and I handle mine. His father is dealing with all kinds of obesity-related issues, but I just don't feel like it's my place to talk to him about that yet, unless he brings it up. If he were to bring me coupons I'd politely decline but I don't think I'd say anything to him about it except "no thank you, I'm staying away from that stuff."
I am concerned about him, but combining two families is tricky business. I don't think you necessarily did anything wrong here, but I do think you have to figure out a way not to have drama with your MiL, at least as much as possible. Cutting her off and not talking to her isn't going to solve anything long term.
I've been married to my husband for a year and I don't really feel like "part of the family" yet. I know that they will come around to accepting me as his wife, but for the moment, although they are very nice to me, I still feel like I'm in 'girlfriend' status. For example, I was not included in any of the planning for the Christmas holiday even though my husband (active Navy) was coming in on leave and we only had a week to work in both families. Also you have to understand that families do things differently-- your family may be straightforward, but that may come off too harsh for theirs. It's really hard when you come from two different types of families, but hopefully you can work this out with your MiL. You don't have to apologize for what you said, but you could start with "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings the other day. I really am concerned about you, and I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." Hopefully that mends the fence, and then when/if she is ready to talk about losing weight for real she may come to you.
Trust me, in-laws are one of the hardest things about marriage. It's just so hard to mix with people who don't do things the way you're used to. But you want to keep the peace as much as you can. I hope this all works out for you.0 -
As painful as it is, you can't force someone to change themselves....no matter how much you care about them. Your heart is in the right place though---know this.
I'm going through the same thing with my Dad as we speak. He's got more issues than a comic book (health wise). High blood pressure is the thing that worries me most about him though. I've tried helping him get started with exercise but it's a waste of time because there's always an excuse for an excuse for an excuse. I've tried getting him to cut calories... but he thinks that by doing that, he'll 'starve'. I've tried helping him watch his sodium levels, but yet again.. he's apparently 'starving' because he can't eat those three slices of pizza, or .. I dunno. *insert highly caloric and super sodium based food*. He blows up often and says that he doesn't even care anymore and just wants to eat the foods that he likes.. and that I should just leave him alone.
I just wanna keep my pops around (he's 63).. but alas. It's illegal to tie someone to a chair and force them to eat healthier... or at least I think it is.
I hope that things go smoothly with you and your MIL though! Mayhaps she'll get her 'Ah ha!' moment before it's too late.0 -
I would step waaaay back. You offered nicely. She chose to bite the hand you held out for her. Now SHE needs to take the next step to fix the mess. If you keep trying to chase her down to resolve things that is what she will try to make you do over and over in the future.
Sounds like your husband knows what he's doing with her. Please don't try to solve het problems - and don't let her cause more for you. Not saying it will be easy. Frankly it sounds like she has serious problems and the weight is just a symptom.
You have every right and full responsibility to your own health to DECLINE pressure to eat stuff you shouldn't. Ever wonder if she secretly hopes you'll get fat like her?
I recently went thru a "food fight" with a family member who was pushing me to eat crap I don't want to or can't for health reasons. Once I got over the head trip the issue was pretty straightforward: my health is top priority. Anyone who actually cares about me will agree with that. Those who put their head games ahead of MY health deserve the disappointment they feel when I refuse to be their puppet.
Take care of yourself and your husband, and understand that you need to set boundaries with MIL. It is NOT up to you to fix her. That's up to HER. Take care of you.0 -
We do not associate with my MIL. It wasn't over food, but it was related to her being explosive for no logical reason. It is possible to remove negative influences like this from your life. But it's not easy for most people. I'm sorry this is something you have to deal with. Family drama is no fun.0
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