Rejection by Fiancee's Friends

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merrylea
merrylea Posts: 34 Member
in Chit-Chat
This is way off topic, but I need some advice! My FH for some reason has mostly girl friends. This doesn't really bother me, I know all of them quite well, they are all wondeful, and I know that I am in no way in danger of him cheating on me. I really like these women, in fact their awesome! They do lots of super fun things, like clothes swap parties, exercise classes, friday night happy hours, girls weekends in the woods, movie nights, everything!

The problem is, I would really like to be invited (FH is not btw). I don't have that many close girlfriends close by, and I miss being able to hang out with a tight knit group of girls. One of the women, in fact, has lost about a 100 lbs and has even hiked across the US! However, they don't invite me. FH's ex is part of the group (we get along fine and she is now married with a baby on the way so I don't see that as a problem)

Finally, I just feel rejected. I'm fun to hang out with, the life of the party (something you learn when you're a fatty). Why don't these women want to be friends with me???!! I feel like I'm in middle school again!

Replies

  • Jain
    Jain Posts: 861 Member
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    One word. Jelousy. You're 'taking away' one of their buddies. Give them time, they should get over it.
  • clydethecat
    clydethecat Posts: 1,094 Member
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    i dont know if its a rejection. they sound like a close group. maybe they just need to be more comfortable with you. i'm absolutely awkward around new people and i really dont have any friends, but if i was around a group like this, i would just say "hey, i'm available if you guys want to hang out any time." i guess just put yourself out there... not that i follow this advice :)
  • Shannon023
    Shannon023 Posts: 14,529 Member
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    Have you tried hosting parties or inviting them out??? :flowerforyou:
  • DaniellePF
    DaniellePF Posts: 308 Member
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    Why wait to be invited? ask them if you can come along!
  • Smansfield1
    Smansfield1 Posts: 50 Member
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    Have you tried hosting parties or inviting them out??? :flowerforyou:

    I was just going to say that! ^
  • janalayn
    janalayn Posts: 510 Member
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    Sometimes it is hard to become part of an established group of women ... you know when can be a selfish, catty bunch. Truthfully they just may not want to change the balanced group that they already have ... it happens.... don't let it crush you. Find things that you like to do and go. You will meet people with similar interests and make your own group of friends.

    Or...because they are close to your FH they may not want to be as close to you. We tend to vent about our partners to our friends and they may not want to hear any potential negative things about him.
  • philOHIO
    philOHIO Posts: 520 Member
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    maybe they don't like the FH... may not have been a good breakup. I had a similar issue 25 years ago when I broke up with someone and she "stole all my friends". Find your own friends!
  • amuhlou
    amuhlou Posts: 693 Member
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    Have you extended an invitation to them? I'm not super girly but maybe organize a spa day or something.

    Maybe they just assume you have your own group that you normally hang out with?

    I have found that some cliques of women just aren't welcoming. Ever. If they have all their own history and a strong bond, newcomers are never fully welcomed in.
  • eleanorb21
    eleanorb21 Posts: 3
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    I bet they don't even realise that they are leaving you out! If they are nice girls, which it sounds like they probably are, they are probably just doing their normal thing without even realising how much you would appreciate joining in. I think when you have a lot of close girlfriends yourself, you assume that everyone else does as well, as they probably just assume that you are happy doing your own thing with them and/or your boyfriend. I'm sure they would be more than happy to include you if you expressed interest, like when activities they have planned come up in conversation, just mention that it sounds like tons of fun, and more likely or not, they will say you're welcome to join in :)
  • rob_v
    rob_v Posts: 270 Member
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    OK - here is a Guys take on it. Just ask to hang out w/ them. Just a little - hey that sounds like fun - mind if I tag along. No offense - but I think you are overthinking things. You feel rejected with out ever actually being rejected.
  • MissMollieD
    MissMollieD Posts: 130
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    See, I would kind of sneak in through the back door. At a gathering, talk to one that seems particularly friendly and ask her to do something with you that you always wanted company for (like trying on wedding dresses? shopping for favors?). I always find it easier to crack into a group in pieces than to take on the whole.
  • merrylea
    merrylea Posts: 34 Member
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    You're right, Rob, that I may be a little overly sensitive about it (or that is at least what FH husband says about it.) I may do things individually with the girls, but am not part of the "girl group." We will invite some of them individually or as a group to do this and that, and, but I am never invited to the group activities.

    I once asked one of the girls what I had to do to be part of girls weekend and she basically told me that they are loyal to FH's ex. This, of course does not make sense to me as I met FH 2 years after he broke up with his ex, she is remarried and he is about to be with me. I have no beef with her! Perhaps inviting me along makes them subconciously disloyal to me.

    Maybe, at the heart of it, I just miss having a close group of girlfriends nearby and I'm throwing myself a little pitty party. My closest friends live hours and hours away. (hazard of moving around a lot) I think I will in fact, invite all of them to my neighborhood for drinks. :) If that doesn't work... I'll hunt out my own.
  • merrylea
    merrylea Posts: 34 Member
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    See, I would kind of sneak in through the back door. At a gathering, talk to one that seems particularly friendly and ask her to do something with you that you always wanted company for (like trying on wedding dresses? shopping for favors?). I always find it easier to crack into a group in pieces than to take on the whole.

    Ha! I like it! One by one.
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
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    Nobody likes the person that takes away their friend, whether you are doing that on purpose or not. Also, if any of them ever had a crush on him (not trying to say this is true, i'm just saying that girls often end up crushing on platonic male friends), they might be jealous. Also, they might be sticking by the ex because they've been friends with her longer. Also, maybe they think you won't be interested in coming along.

    I think you just have to continue to keep being nice to them when you see them. Hopefully, they will pick up on the fact that you're a nice person and invite you out.
    OK - here is a Guys take on it. Just ask to hang out w/ them. Just a little - hey that sounds like fun - mind if I tag along. No offense - but I think you are overthinking things. You feel rejected with out ever actually being rejected.

    Girls don't really work this way...I would never invite myself out with a group of girls. It's a little desperate to me. I would invite one person to hang out but I wouldn't ask a whole group if I could join.
    The group of girls I hung out with in high school still hangs out. I'm still really good friends with one of the girls. I just grin and bear it when I see pics of all of them minus me hanging out on Facebook. But would I ever invite myself to hang out with them? No.
  • lilRicki
    lilRicki Posts: 4,555 Member
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    as one of the boy's friends...don't try to hard. I can't stand any of my buddy's girlfriends, they aren't there to be your friend too. I want to smoke cigars and drink beer on the patio with the boys, but unfortunetly I have to sit in the kitchen with the stupid girlfriends...go out, get your own female friends, and leave the other girls alone. You don't have to be accepted by his friends, you aren't marrying them. I'm absolutely offended that my stagette at home doesn't include my friends, but all their girlfriends. My fiance gets to go to the peelers and drink his face off with the boys, I get to go have a stupid tea and party games with their ditzy girlfriends.
  • elder4
    elder4 Posts: 27 Member
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    Have you tried hosting parties or inviting them out??? :flowerforyou:

    I was just going to say that! ^

    Agreed

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