FRIEND SABOTAGE

LauraJo08 · February 2012

Alright guys, so I'm a senior in college and have really started being conscious of my health during the last 9 months. I'm starting to have problems with my friends, because even though I've only lost like 15 pounds, my ideas about food and exercise have changed very drastically and I'm no longer willing to go out to eat at an indian buffet or order pizza after a night of drinking.

My friends say that they are supportive, but are always proposing activities that revolve around food or alcohol, even when I say that I want to avoid those things. Then when I say that I'd rather not, I get the eyerolls and the sarcastic commentary...ugh... Does anyone have advice for dealing with this?

flissmartin · February 2012

Hi there,

Really difficult situation. Firstly good on you for the efforts you have been making regarding your health - I wish you well with that. I guess the trouble is though, that you have made a change but your friends haven't. And it's not something you can force upon them. If your lifestyles and values are going in completely different directions, it may be time to consider building some other friendships with people who have a similar health focus. However it's important to remember that if your changes become the biggest focus of your life, it can result in your friends feeling that your personality has been taken over. I once had a lovely friend who became very obsessed with food. She couldn't have a conversation about anything without bringing it back to food. We eventually grew apart because I just wasn't interested in constantly hearing all about how many calories was in such and such. I wanted her to be healthy and happy, but I also wanted to be able to relax,have fun and enjoy the same things I had always enjoyed.

I'd suggest really just trying to maintain balance. Try inviting your friends to go for a walk with you, or invite them round for a healthy breakfast/lunch/dinner. Is it possible that you could sometimes go with them without actually eating the stuff you want to avoid? The occasional unhealthy meal shouldn't have a dramatic impact if you're predomintantly healthy and active, and if it gives your friendships a boost it may be worth it. Whatever happens, goodluck :-)

Mnata · February 2012

Have you tried taking the initiative and suggesting activities? Don't know about your hobbies, but something like dancing/clubbing where it's physical activity? Or window shopping, plenty of walking to sneak in without anyone the wiser.

rebelo3 · February 2012

I could have written this post! Also a senior in college. My friends also only want to go to do activities that involve drinking or eating, but really not even healthy options where I can say, ok I'll go but have just 1 drink or get something light, they always pressure me to eat/drink MORE! I also told all my friends I will no longer eat at this one place on campus (it's all greasy and fried foods) yet they CONSTANTLY text me saying lets go there! It's like they don't even listen ya know!? Feel free to add me, maybe we can figure this out together!

LabRat529 · February 2012

Here's a thought- Go. Have a good time. Partake in moderation. Enjoy your friends. They're not shoving the food/drink down your throat, so you CAN say NO and still hang out with them and have fun.

Our culture associates food with fun, good times, affection, and a host of other positive emotions. It's normal, healthy, a part of being human.

And a normal, mentally healthy human will recognize the connection, indulge occasionally, exercise self control when not interested in indulging, and by doing so, they will avoid alienating their friends who are not on a diet and are not trying to watch what they eat 24/7.

Look... in all seriousness... if you say "no" every time they ask you to go do these things that they consider fun, they're just going to stop asking you to do anything at all and you'll be left without friends.

It IS perfectly fine to counter with a healthy alternative- invite them to go hiking- but you should do what they want to do sometimes too. It's not gonna kill you.

jrose1982 · February 2012

LauraJo08 Go. Have fun with your friends. Doesn't mean you have to eat the food or drink the alcohol. You can also offer to be designated driver (always worked for me). The trick is to remember that you're going to be with your friends, not to drink or eat pizza.

Laura & Rebelo3: Eat slowly, drink slowly. I used to get one alcoholic drink and one cup of water. It would take me all night to drink that drink, but I'd have MANY refills on the water. After a while I stopped getting that one drink.

I started alternating my responses between "Yes, I'll go" and "No, not tonight". It didn't take long before I was saying No way more than I was saying Yes.

Here's the hard part: Eventually, my friends and I parted ways. Before I moved out of state, I would occasionally meet my friends for dinner or some other activity, but it was rare. They eventually had to face the fact that I had different interests. So we had to meet in the middle and try to find new things that we all enjoy, and that was hard on all of us. It often meant I was doing things I didn't want to do to spend time with them, or they were doing things they didn't want to do to spend time with me. To be completely honest, it was kind of a relief when I moved out of state and it stopped being an issue. I love my friends, but I changed and we no longer have things in common. It's hard, but that's the way it goes.

You can't change your friends. They like having you around. They like drinking and eating greasy food. They want to combine those things. That's all there is to it. They're not ignoring your wishes. They're probably not trying to change you either. They're just enjoying life the way THEY want to enjoy it. And you're part of that.

Go out with your friends to spend time with your friends. They can ask you to drink more - be stubborn on that point. They can ask you to eat more - be stubborn on that point too. When they invite you to one place, suggest another. But show up and have fun. That's all they really want.

Jorra · February 2012

Why should all your friends have to change what they've been doing for fun for the past presumably four years just because you've recently decided you don't want to? Of course they're going to suggest doing the same things you've always done together. They're not trying to sabotage you, they're trying to hang out with you.

Why should you be unwilling to do these things with your friends? As long as you can control your portion size and prepare for it earlier in the day, why not?

ahinski · February 2012

I think I have a completely different take on it than most people... but it's just based on my own experience:

As I started to get healthier, I noticed I slowly, and unintentionally changed whom I spent most of my time with. I even ended an unhealthy romantic relationship. Basically, I started feeling better about myself and my standards of what I viewed as a true friend also changed. It's not that I no longer "like" unhealthy people, it's that I don't have very much in common with them. Generally speaking, in my OWN experience, people that do not care for their bodies by giving it all the proper nutrition and exercise it deserves, don't have very high self-esteem. And being a healthy, energetic, motivated person generally means that you probably have pretty good self-esteem. For me, I started to realize that I became closer with my friends who were healthy and energetic, drifted farther away from my friends who weren't and started to make more friends with people who were more like me. I'm not saying dump your old friends, but for me, I had to accept that we might just be heading in different directions due to different lifestyle preferences. My roommate was the one who inspired me to get healthier, and we are closer than we've been in a long time. I've also gotten closer with people who I didn't know that well, like my one friend who is a certified kickboxing instructor and another who is yoga instructor. We became closer because we have similar interests and views about how we treat our bodies and our health. Our overall outlook on life is similar.

I'm still friends with people who are not very healthy, but we have drifted. And I'm really not friends with any of those "Debbie Downers" or "Negative Nancies" that I used to be friends with--I feel too good to let prickly people bring me down. Fortunately, I never really had to deal with people who were not supportive, and it really sounds like your friends aren't. If you want, you could gently and kindly say something to them about how it makes you feel when they roll their eyes or make sarcastic remarks. Or you could just decide that it's time to move in a new direction in terms of who you spend your time with (you don't really have to say anything to them if you don't want to). You can always make new friends at the gym (especially if you take classes). I'm not saying completely cut your old friends off, but maybe they are not as good of friends as you thought if they are not supportive and proud of you for all your hard work.

My heart goes out to you. Even if they're not proud of you--you should be!

workingthisout · February 2012

I definitely hear you on this. Its hard, but you just have to be that friend that orders the salad when all your friends are eating pizza or fast food at bar close.

When I go out, I only have 1 or 2 drinks, and its always a rum & diet since thats only 101 calories. Saves me money on drinks, and spares my body the affects of heavy drinking. There are also plenty of times that I'll just sip a diet coke. No one but you and the bartender know there's no alcohol in it, so you don't have to deal with that annoying "why aren't you drinking" comment from everyone.

Also, when your friends want late night food, suggest a 24 hour diner. They usually have a fruit cup, salads, different veggie sides, omelettes, etc that you can pick while your friends get fries and burgers or whatever they're craving.

Whenever you get a chance, look up the menu of places you're going. I know indian food usually can easily be made vegetarian, so if you know ahead of time that you're going, just plan to have a chunk of your calories for the day there (buffets always fill you up for hours anyway) and focus on the food with mostly veggies and stay light on the sauces. Once your friends see that this is something you're serious about, they will hopefully take your requests more serious (and maybe you'll inspire a few friends to get healthy too!)

Jorra · February 2012

The last post has a good point. Instead of Indian or Pizza, maybe you can get Perkins or Subway.

The local Subway is open until 1AM on Friday and Saturday and Perkins is open until 11PM. (I don't know that by heart, I just looked it up

)

FRIEND SABOTAGE

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