would you tell or not?

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Vodkha
Vodkha Posts: 352 Member
in Chit-Chat
A friend of mine called me tonite and told me she found out other friends husband on a dating site. As far as we know they are still married and together. As soon as he saw that my friend had seen his profile, he took down his pictures and closed his account. My friend got a screenshot of his profile and the pics before this happened. Do we tell her about this and show her the screenshot? Or do we anonymously email it to you? It was definitely her husband, no doubt about it. I feel bad causing her any pain, but should she know about it? and is it our place to tell her?
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  • D446
    D446 Posts: 266 Member
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    She should Definitely know. You are doing the right thing If you tell her.
  • netchik
    netchik Posts: 587 Member
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    put yourself in her shoes. If she knew your husband was cheating and hadn't told you, would it damage your relationship once you found out?

    For me it's a no-brainer, I'd tell. I'd be furious if I found out my friends knew and didn't tell me.
  • rachmaree
    rachmaree Posts: 782 Member
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    I think she absolutely needs to know... would probably do it face to face. That is really sad :(
  • mdailey93
    mdailey93 Posts: 95
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    Definitely tell her. I don't think you should do it anonymously, just sit her down and show her, it will be tough, but she has the right to know.
  • Vodkha
    Vodkha Posts: 352 Member
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    She lives about 5 hours away so doing it face to face isn't possible.
  • Trinketona
    Trinketona Posts: 190
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    I would tell her. If she is your friend you dont want her to catch a disease by the moron. It's gonna cause her a lot of pain, but its better for her to find out and move on and find somebody that is worth spending the rest of her life with. I've been cheated on and I found out by myself. After I found out I found out that everyone around me knew but didtn have the cojones to tell me. It hurt beyond believe when I found out but I was thankful to have found out and find somebody else than to keep living in a lie.


    TELL HER!!!!!!!!:frown:
  • Cilenia
    Cilenia Posts: 208 Member
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    Having an account on a datingsite does not mean he actually cheated on her yet!
  • c2me12ad6
    c2me12ad6 Posts: 127 Member
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    Tell her about it.... don't send it anonymously.
  • Trinketona
    Trinketona Posts: 190
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    Having an account on a datingsite does not mean he actually cheated on her yet!

    He is looking for someone to cheat with!!!!
  • malibulu
    malibulu Posts: 79
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    If he's on that site, he may be on others too! I'd tell her. Just because he's taken that profile down, doesn't mean he's removed others - and won't do it again. I'd tell her for sure x
  • Pookylou
    Pookylou Posts: 988 Member
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    Having an account on a datingsite does not mean he actually cheated on her yet!

    A friend of mine found her husband has been using dating sites (he left his email open on their computer), he has listed himself as separated and used their WEDDING PHOTO as his profile picture, and while she isn't 100% sure he's met none yet he is definitely looking...
    Your friend deserves to know,I'd call her to let her know, poor thing
  • malibulu
    malibulu Posts: 79
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    If he's on that site, he may be on others too! I'd tell her. Just because he's taken that profile down, doesn't mean he's removed others - and won't do it again. I'd tell her for sure x
    That's not even what I mean, its only part of it. The whole poingt is, you're her friend, you know, you have a duty to her to tell her. I'd want to know. And if I found out my friends knew if that was me, I'd feel even more let down.
  • tashaa1992
    tashaa1992 Posts: 658 Member
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    It will be hard for her but she has every right to know what kind of person she is married to. Yeah fine maybe techically he hasn't physically cheated yet, but he already has in his mind.. looking at other girls in a sexual way. He doesn't deserve your friend, she doesn't deserve to be hurt and if he loved her or cared about her he would never have even joined up on that site. I'm sure given the opportunity he would be round someone elses bed in an instant:( He is exactly like my ex, she deserves to know. Good luck.

    Tasha
    xxx
  • wassalla
    wassalla Posts: 16 Member
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    If your friends husband has been on a dating site it stands to reason that he's looking for SOMETHING to fill a void in his life. Even if he hasnt done anything about it yet, theres a deff possibility he might. As her friend i think you need to tell her....who knows, after its out in the open they will be able to deal with the issue and put things right BEFORE it goes any further :)
  • CouchSpud
    CouchSpud Posts: 557 Member
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    This is a tricky one, you have to be aware, that she might turn around, refuse to believe it or blame it on you and your friendship might suffer. Not everyone wants to know if something goes on behind there back. Saying that though, she should know. If he's out and about on a dating site, he is looking for something, so something in the relationship isn't working.
  • pixiestick
    pixiestick Posts: 839 Member
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    Email the screenshot to him and have him tell her.
  • chocolateandvodka
    chocolateandvodka Posts: 1,856 Member
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    tell her, but don't expect a response. why?

    because. there are certain people who do this sort of thing and enjoy it. whether or not you feel your mutual friend is one of those people is really a non issue. the most common trait shared among polyamorous couples is anonymity. not even their closest friends and especially not their family know of their private philandering.

    not saying it's the case, but really it isn't your business once you've made her aware. which yes, i do agree that she should be told.
  • MaggiePuccini
    MaggiePuccini Posts: 248 Member
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    Once upon a time I would have said "yeah you have to tell her", but after the fiance of a friend of mine made a revolting pass at me (years ago) I told her sister knowing it would get back to her. NIghtmare for all ensued. SHe rang me at work! Demanding to know what was said exactly, word for word almost. SHe was really cold towards me asking me these questions. When she'd established that her fiance was really drunk, she said "thank you" put down the phone and then I never heard from her again, for yEARS. We had a lot of mutual friends, and there were things that she arranged and didn't invite me to. That hurt a lot. My reward for 'doing the right thing' was to be excluded from various meet ups and meals out that I would have loved to have gone to. But mutual friends didn't really want to get involved, bring it all up again, or fight my corner I guess. Eventually she did ditch the fiance, so I guess what happend did chip away at her trust in him. After she dumped him, she didn't immediately re-establish the friendship, but over the course of the next five years or so, because we have mutual friends we did genuinely become friends again. Thank goodness, because I really like her. But my advice would be that if you value HER friendship, think very carefully about being the messenger. It#'s true what they say, the messenger gets shot.
  • CaitlinFrost
    CaitlinFrost Posts: 72
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    She would feel worse that everyone else knows and not her.
  • xSophia19
    xSophia19 Posts: 1,536 Member
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    she should definatley get told about this!! just think all of her friends that know this and she doesnt even know herself! you should get her to sit down with a coffee of something and talk to her about it. and then she can decide what she wants to do from then onwards.

    different situation with me - but i cheated on my ex last year. i was going out with him, and slept with a few other lads at the time! (not just another 1 lad, im talking 5!) and i got caught out in the end, and my bf (at the time) went thro my phone and saw all the texts! its not nice, and i have learnt my lesson not to do it again! because i lost someone i really loved at the time.

    but she should definately know about this! and whether they both can sort it out, or whatever she decides to do :)

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