I didn't know where to post this.. can you ever really move

tashaa1992 · February 2012

I guess I just need some advice I think. I can't talk about it with my sister because she doesn't like mark after what he put me through and I don't have any friends so that's why I'm posting this.. I hope no one minds.

I met my ex mark when I was seventeen, he was twenty four at the time, I'm twenty next month and he is almost twenty seven now, and my mum had a problem with this which I think most parents would. I mean I have always had boyfriends but he was the oldest lol. With all my other boyfriends, I never even so much as liked them, and yes I know how harsh it is, just toying with boys, I regret it so much, but I instantly felt love for mark as soon as I met him.
I knew he was the one from day one. When I met mark I was still suffering with anorexia and he helped me get help again. I was doing really well until everything went downhill. Everything was amazing with us though for almost a year then he started changing. He talked down to me, he made me feel worthless and unwanted. He told me no other guy would want me as a girlfriend which triggered my anorexia more. I needed the control back, properly.
We were almost together for two years until I broke up with him last august. Last august we lost a baby, and I needed him to be there, he wasn't though. He didn't cry, not once. I know guys think they can't but I cried, I was always crying in front of him, I just needed to know that he was in pain too. I felt like because he didn't cry he didn't care about our baby.
Since breaking up with him I have been in proper recovery again, not doing well but I won't give up.

We talk all the time, he lives an hour away, and we've been talking about meeting up. He says he still loves me but I never believed that because of his actions. I do love him though, with all my heart. I miss him every single day, I just won't accept him like this. I want my mark back, the one who actually cared about me and treated me like I was the only person who mattered to him. From the moment I wake up, it's mark mark mark. I feel slightly obssessed which is annoying me because I don't do this, I never did until him ugh:(

Mark has Treacher Collins Sydrome and I know it makes him feel insecure but I never minded. I love him, I love everything about him, including his looks. He is having another operation again soon which I wish wasn't happening, I'm scared something will happen to him.

Okay I've mumbled on too much oops. Urm mark has said he loves me, he said he still wants there to be an us and he misses me, but his texts tell me a completely different story.
He texted me the other night and we were talking about his operation and he said he won't start dating until he has his operation. If he wants to be with me why does he want to date other girls?
My friend also said he said on his facebook that he's going on a dating site, again why?

I'm just really confused. It hurts everyday. It never stopped. It has been six months but I still love mark. I want to lean on him and him lean on me, I want to be there to hold his hand when things seem too tough. I want to go through his problems with him. I want to be his wife and have his children. I just want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I know people may think I'm being stupid because I'm 'too young' but I know what I feel. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Take care,
Tasha
xxx

jwalker30 · February 2012

I think you should move on. Based on what you said, it sounds like Mark is a creep. Get out there and meet someone else.

Generally, people get over an ex when they find someone better

scorpiomfs · February 2012

sometimes you think heaven has sent you the brightest angel until it sends you an even brighter one.

jimmie25 · February 2012

sometimes you think heaven has sent you the brightest angel until it sends you an even brighter one.

THAT

Athijade · February 2012

I don't think you are stupid. I recently split up with my boyfriend of 10.5 years, so I know the heartache and pain that you are feeling. I thought he was the one as well, but things started to go downhill recently and came to a point earlier this month. It is hard and it feels like it will never get better... but someday, it will.

You seem to know that there are warning signs that a relationship might not be what he wants and that, if there was one, it would not be the healthiest thing for you. This is actually really good that, even through the pain, you are able to see these things. For me, it took the pain and sadness to force me to look back and see that I wasn't all that happy for awhile.

I can't tell you what will help you, but I can tell you what has been helping me get through things.

1) Stop contact with him. Every time you speak, you are reopening those wounds.

2) Write things down (like you did here) or talk to a friend about the feelings and voices going through your head. Sometimes, hearing the words said can help get a clearer view on things.

3) Spend time on YOU! Do stuff that makes you happy. Hang out with friends, watch movies, workout, write, read... whatever is something that pleasures you.

If you want to talk, you can PM me as well or add me as a friend.

tashaa1992 · February 2012

I think you should move on. Based on what you said, it sounds like Mark is a creep. Get out there and meet someone else.

Generally, people get over an ex when they find someone better

I've been trying I swear, I've tried cutting him off altogether but nothing works. I haven't even looked at another boy like that. I feel like such a loser lol:(

jwalker30 · February 2012

Go meet other people,

Hold your head up and smile.

1) smile at boys at the gym, 2) join a dating site, 3) hang out with friends.

I am sure you can meet a cute boy or three that will get this fellow of your mind.

chameleon73 · February 2012

Wow. Okay, this may sound harsh, but please believe that I don't mean for it to be.

Based on your post alone, this is a very destructive and unhealthy relationship. A couple of key points:

1. You can never MAKE another person change, or be what you want them to be, by loving them. If your expectation of the relationship centers on how you want him to be, not on how he is, then you're setting yourself up for a LOT of disappointment and misery.

2. You said in your post that you're in recovery. My advice to you would be to work on yourself (ie. mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy) before focusing on a relationship.

3. People change. And you can't change them back. If he was wonderful in the beginning, but changed into something else, then you should work on accepting that he is no longer the man you fell in love with. It happens to all of us...and it's hard, really hard, to realize one day that the person you gave your heart to doesn't exist anymore. But when it happens, you have to let it go.

I'd never tell you you're "too young" to know your own heart, but what I will tell you is that a happy and HEALTHY relationship is worth waiting for. It sounds like you need to refocus your priorities on YOU and what makes you truly happy, because even though you love this guy, you already know in your heart that he doesn't. Your post made that clear. Acceptance is often the hardest part of growing.

My point: YOU are worth more than you give yourself credit for. Relax, take a deep breath, and let him go. Your heart will still beat tomorrow, and the pain will lessen more and more each day. Chalk it up to lessons learned and use the experience as a motivator to never let yourself be treated badly again, by anyone. You'll be okay.

delilah47 · February 2012

Move on no matter how difficult.

Often times abusers start relationships with unusual kindness, compliments, and acquiescence to their partner. This builds a foundation of trust. Then when they think they have control, they will slowly start tearing the other person down. Just like you described. An abuser makes sure you never have an ounce of self esteem, so you will stick around and take what is given, because you feel you don't deserve better. This leads to a lifetime of misery for the abuser's partner. Cut all ties with this person even if you care about him. With your other challenges, this person is, and will be toxic, to you. Leave him behind and concentrate on being happy and fulfilled... because you deserve it! :flowerforyou:

speedyf · February 2012

Give yourself some time, you won't forget him within a few weeks. But you should really think about yourself and take this opportunity to REALLY take care of yourself. YOU ARE the most important person in YOUR LIFE. And like Athijade said, it will easy your mind and help clear things out if you write things down, whatever it is, all your emotions and thoughts. I do this all the time, and I burn them after... Easy your mind, take care of yourself, think of YOU, and things will slowly start to fall down in place. I know it will hurt not talking or responding to him, but you have to do it. FOR YOU!!! You CAN do this.

I wish you the best of luck. & I'm sorry for your lost :flowerforyou:

tashaa1992 · February 2012

I understand I can't change him, I guess if he loved me he would do anything to earn my trust again.
I feel like he is the only guy who will ever say he loves me I don't feel good enough for anyone

tashaa1992 · February 2012

Go meet other people,

Hold your head up and smile.

1) smile at boys at the gym, 2) join a dating site, 3) hang out with friends.

I am sure you can meet a cute boy or three that will get this fellow of your mind.

I'm ugly hahahaha.
I've asked him back twice since our break up and he just sort of laughs at it hm

melonsss · February 2012

you have experienced two significant upsets and it will take time. people used to tell me time will heal and eventually it does. Just take one day at a time. I wish I had a magic formula to heal your pain, but sadly I don't. Look after yourself and don't be too harsh, losing a baby is traumatic and when a loving relationship ends it can feel like the end of the world. You do have age on your side and you will find love. Best wishes and focus on recovering from your eating disorder. Jacquelinexx.

jwalker30 · February 2012

Look, you aren't ugly & you know that...

You just put that up b/c you know everyone will tell you otherwise.

You can either wallow in you misery, or proactively do something.

Personally, I just think it would be stupid for you to waste any more of your life than you need too over the situation.(Not that everyone else on here, including myself, hasn't wasted time b/c of wallowing over some stupid b.s.) . Flash forward 5 or 10 years, what do you hope to accomplish by still caring about this dude?

sarafil · February 2012

I am going to be very honest with you, and please know I am not doing so to be mean. I am doing so, so hopefully you will not make the same mistakes I did....I wasted 8 years on a man that sounds a lot like your Mark. From everything you have written about him, Mark sounds like an abuser. I know it is difficult, but the best thing you can do for yourself is move on. It is probably very difficult to do so NOT because of your feelings for Mark.....but because of esteem issues that you need to deal with. You are afraid that if you don't have Mark, no one will ever love you, you will be alone. But Mark doesn't love you. The way he treats you is NOT how you treat someone you love and respect. That is not your fault. You are worthy of love and a man who treats you like a queen. For whatever reason, Mark is not capable of that. If you can, try to get counseling to help you to work on your esteem issues. This is the way that I was finally able to clearly see what was going on in my life, and finally break out of a very unhealthy relationship.

Once I did this, I met an amazing man who is now my husband....I am convinced if I had not dealt with my issues, I never could have appreciated my husband as I do and have such a healthy relationship. Now when I look back on this man that I thought was my everything, I can't believe that I ever even dated him! I now know what REAL love and mutual respect and caring looks like. You deserve the same. I know it is not easy, but you can do it. Good luck!

chameleon73 · February 2012

First, you have AMAZING eyes!! They're gorgeous!! Second, you are NOT ugly!

Here's a challenge for you, if you're willing to accept it:

First part.... Get some pieces of paper and a marker. On the paper write 'I AM BEAUTIFUL!' in all caps. Tape one to your mirror, one to your fridge, anywhere you are a lot... Even the dashboard of your car.

Second part... EVERY time you say something negative about yourself, even in your own head, make one more and post it somewhere else.

Last part.... Repeat the phrase to yourself ten times whenever you see the paper. EVEN IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT. You need to reinforce yourself with positive mental queues. Eventually you will begin to believe and to feel it.

CouchSpud · February 2012

Girl, there's nothing ugly about you.
And I agree with the others, you need to move on. Sometimes it is hard, and the people we loved, will always be in our hearts. It needs time, there is no need to rush. But you do not need a Mark to battle Anorexia, you do not need someone else to battle this for you. You need to do it yourself and come out on the other side of it. You can do it, but you are the only one, no one else can do it for you. It's a frightening thing to do. You wish for someone to be on your side, but you do not wish for someone, who uses you insecurity against you in order to raise their own self esteem and make you feel **** about yourself, in order to make you stay with the, because you are so desperate that no one else will take you. :S

To cut things short, why would he be the only one loving you? ^^ There are so many people out there, I promsie there will be plenty that like youu for being yourself

tashaa1992 · February 2012

I honestly thought he was my soulmate. I was always there for him, I would do anything for him. I hate that he doesn't feel the same. I always thought I was overreacting:(

WifeNMama · February 2012

Do not make your past with Mark into an obligation to keep trying with him.

Erindipitous · February 2012

Generally, people get over an ex when they find someone better

This.

TavistockToad · February 2012

i dont mean to sound harsh, but Mark sounds like a ****, and he doesnt love you.

you deserve to find someone who will treat you right, but in the mean time, i think you should concentrate on yourself and getting better before you worry about anyone else!

good luck xx

I didn't know where to post this.. can you ever really move

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