OT-Fathers and daughters

amymeenieminymo · June 2009

Ugh, I feel so stuck in the middle. You may have read my recent post about buying our first house....well there are lots of things that need to be done to it before we move in, and I am finding myself in a power struggle between my dad and my boyfriend.

They like each other well enough, but there is always that slight tension. My dad is very very helpful, always helping out people from family, friends, neighbors, in-laws to perfect strangers on the side of the road. I think my dad would die if he didn't have anyone to help.

Well understandably so, my boyfriend is excited about our first house and wants to do a lot of the work himself and gets frustrated when my dad helps too much and steps on his toes. We are both 30, we are grown ups and this is our first house, I totally understand him wanting to be the man and do the work himself.

But I see it from both sides. I know what a hard time my dad is having in letting his little girl go, and coming to terms with the fact that there is someone else to take care of me now (not that I need that much taken care of, I'm pretty independent, but still....) I am his only daughter and my dad has been helping me and doing this kind of thing for 30 years, and I know it's hard for him to let go.

I know I just have to have a talk with my dad and tell him this, but I feel bad and I hate being stuck in the middle. I know he just means well, but I totally see my boyfriends side too becasue I would be hurt if his mom constantly wanted to tell me how to cook or clean or something. So I know what I have to do, I was just wondering if anyone else deals with this?

aymie24 · June 2009

Ok, I understand everything you are saying but as someone who's dad is very much like yours, but physically and mentally unable to not only help, but remember who I am many times, he has alzthimers, be thankful.

My mother has always been too busy to be a mom. My dad was 28 years her senior and did everything for us. She moved 800 miles away before my sister even graduated high school.

My MIL was ALWAYS stepping on my toes but she also taught me so much. She passed awayat age 48 after a very couragous fight with cancer and I'd honestly give up a limb to have her here right now, telling me how much she hates the color blue I painted our ds and dd's shared room! DH and I were just joking about all of the things I've done "wrong" in redecorating our new house.

My FIL left his family when my hubby was 7 and was always too busy dating to pick him up on his weekends. Now he tries to be buddies with my hubby and it's horribly tense and uncomfortable.

My advice is to tell your boyfriend to be the man, and respect your father enough to allow him to help. I know that is not at all what you want to hear but as someone who has really been there with that "meddling" in law, I promise that at some point, your boyfriend will realize he doesn't yet know all he needs to and will be so thankful to have learned from someone who cared enough about him (and you) to be there to help.

Enjoy your new home!

LuckyLeprechaun · June 2009

is there a way this can be used as an opportunity to grow the relationship between them? they could work together and your Dad feels included and needed and your bf feels like he is being helped (rather than feeling controlled)? Maybe they could bond over power tools or something:flowerforyou:

I feel for you. My dad doesn't like my husband. So much so that he doesn't know he is my husband. I know there's only so much you can do...

havingitall · June 2009

I have to agree. Speak to your boyfriend and explain how your dad feels.

My father always wanted to help especially after I was divorced. When I was single, I loved the help around the house. When I got remarried, my husband wanted to do things to make the house his but he always found something for my Dad to help with. My Dad passed away 3 years ago and we both still miss him and his input around the house. There are things that he did or said while we were doing work that still make us laugh about it to this day.

amymeenieminymo · June 2009

Oh my bf is fine with him helping with some things....I should have clarified that. There are certainly things my boyfriend wants and needs help on, he just doesn't want my dad stealing his thunder and stuff. Like, my dad is laid off right now, so my boyfriend doesn't want to get home from work and find that my dad has been at the house all day doing things that he wanted to do.

My dad is used to helping me with stuff....this will be my 6th move in 7 years, so I've always needed help with projects at all my apartments and stuff, and my dad is doing things the exact way he has before, which was fine when I was single. But he's like, ok we need to do this and this, and I'll price this and then we'll get working on this....he just runs with it, rather than slowing down for a minute to make sure that we want him to help with that, or to see if it's something my boyfriend is going to take care of.

glendaz · June 2009

Well, in thinking about your situation, maybe a "to-do" list is in order. Sit down with your boyfriend and write down the things that he doesn't want to tackle. That could become your dad's list. You could approach your dad with the list indicating that you were just planning and want to keep track of what needs to get done and the list will help you keep everything in order. Hopefully, by doing it this way, you won't offend anyone and everyone gets to help!
Good luck!! You are lucky to have two men who want to help you!!

twilight1542 · June 2009

I can't speak from experience because I don't have a husband and my Dad is no longer in the position to be able to get down and dirty with household projects anymore.......But perhaps a nice compromise would be for the 3 of you to sit down and figure out projects that Dad would be good at and Hubby doesn't mind him doing so that Dad can feel useful--which is probably what's happening since he's laid off--and Hubby can feel more in control........ That part is from the experience I had with my grandfather, who has long since passed. When he was forced into retirement from the family business at age 75 he spent the next 5 years or so traveling then got bored. So nothing gave him more pleasure than to be able to do/make things for his family & friends. So in addition to helping construct multiple additions to his church, he did whatever he could to keep his hands & mind busy...I'll never forget making a comment to him about how my mom wanted to frame this metal newsprint copy of an article in our local paper about me, but couldn't find a frame to fit it.......Not more than a week later I have a gorgeous oak frame, made 100% by him for it. I still hold that near and dear to me because I didn't have to ask for it and will always treasure it because it was made especially for me.

dbg1 · June 2009

two sets of hands gets twice the word done. more efficient. play off each other's knowledge and ideas.

I know exactly what this feels like. I worked with my fatherinlaw to finish our basement. Being more experienced I listened alot to him. I worked around his schedule. When it came down to what we wanted, after listening to his recommendations, my wife and I together told him what we wanted. This earned me alot more respect from him. In the end it worked out. There were times I wanted to scream but I just kept my cool and said to myself "I'm saving money, I'm saving time".

onfleur · June 2009

Middle, NOT a happy position to be in. My best to you!!:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

DaniNei · June 2009

I know exactly how you feel. I am the baby in the family and my parents still treat me like a little girl even though I am married and have 2 kids. If you don't talk to your dad about this now, it will only get worse.

I can't speak from experience because I don't have a husband and my Dad is no longer in the position to be able to get down and dirty with household projects anymore.......But perhaps a nice compromise would be for the 3 of you to sit down and figure out projects that Dad would be good at and Hubby doesn't mind him doing so that Dad can feel useful--which is probably what's happening since he's laid off--and Hubby can feel more in control

I would definitely do this.

I hope you can get all this straightened out. :flowerforyou:

thumper44 · June 2009

IMO, I would be upset too if I came home thinking I had a project/task to do and it was done.
OTOH I know that this was one less task that I would have to worry about.

Get them to work together, he will learn from your dad's experience.

Definately write a to-do list, and perhaps mention to the b/f some things that your dad could do to help out.
If given choices, I'm sure the b/f will say....... ok I don't want to do that, I'm ok if he does this and that.
Your b/f will have to also learn to accept help, i'm sure he won't be able to do everything himself.

To your Dad, you will have to have that talk with him, yes he's helped you over the years as you were single, but you are with now living with someone, and bought a house together.
Let your dad know that you are going to give him some jobs to help out with, and that your b/f wants to have the pride in doing some work himself.
Man to man, he'll understand that the b/f wants to have pride in his work and show that he's capable of doing work to support the "family" and daddy's little girl.

Good luck, and congrads again with the purchase of your house.

amymeenieminymo · June 2009

Thanks everyone for your suggestions, very good ones!

dothompson · June 2009

Stay out of the middle and let them handle it.

They just need to figure out who's the Alpha Dog & establish some balance and ground rules for their relationship. I hate to be blunt, but men usually do this quite nicely in a short amount of time. They might have a couple of blow ups, but they'll calm down and be playing nicely before you know it. Women getting involved almost never makes this faster or better.

Practice being Swizterland, but don't allow either to be disrespectful toward the other, and you can't either while this process is going on. Until they are on an even keel, should you get mad at your boyfriend don't discuss it in front of your Father and vice versa.

strongandfit · June 2009

Sweetie I know you love them both. But your Dad has already had his fun DIY/Home Depot his own house. This is yours and your bf's house, your first house. Let your boyfriend be the man. It lets him feel manly. The Alpha Male. It lets him feel important to be able to fix the "cave" exactly the way he wants it for his woman, which is you. He doesn't need any help. A man doesn't ask for help, doesn't need help and being forced to accept help against his will is only going to make him feel emasculated. Let him be the man and just let him have fun DIY all his heart desires all he wants.

You know how men don't like to ask directions when they are lost, that's because they don't need help. Men will figure out how to do things themselves without HELP!!! To need help is to be weak in man's eyes.

Do this : Don't use the word help. Let your bf know that your Dad's TIME is available to him if he wants someone to work on the house together. Your Dad's time, not your Dad's help. There is a difference.

Be assertive with your Dad. Your Dad will respect you for it. Let your boyfriend fix up the house all he wants. Your boyfriend will respect you for it. Let your man be the man.

OT-Fathers and daughters

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