Warning... "Heavy" topic ahead

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LJA8608
LJA8608 Posts: 48 Member
in Motivation and Support
Have you ever felt in a middle ground? That is how I feel lately and just wanted to reach out to see if there were any other women who have dealt with this issue.

We are SO blessed with one adorably sweet 4 year old daughter. The last 2 years my husband and I have been trying to have another baby. I KNEW my weight was an issue and we wanted to try anyways because all my daughter talks about is having a sibling. She has an "imaginary" sister and we really want her to have a real one. We finally conceived and than suffered a miscarriage this December right at Christmas @ 9 weeks. It was SO hard to admit but I know in my heart that the main issue was my weight. This is the first time I have even opened up to the idea. I was in denial and devestated and felt very alone, like if I had just waited to lose the weight we never would have had to deal with it. I felt SO guilty and blamed myself.

Instead of spiraling into a depression I decided I wanted to take charge of my body for my family as well as myself. Since than I have dedicated myself to working out and eating right before we try and get pregnant again. I want to go into a new pregancy healthy and remain that way and if we have to wait so be it.

To tell you the truth, I have never really had anyone to connect to on infertility due to weight after having one baby already. My heart hurts for those that never have or may never experience having a baby and I am so joyous for those that are blessed with many babies, but I would love to connect to anyone who is in my situation. This community is so wonderful for support and I shared my story in hopes that somebody else may understand and connect :flowerforyou:

Replies

  • captawesome
    captawesome Posts: 121 Member
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    I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. Angel babies are sometimes taboo and hard to open up about :heart:

    I have had two miscarriages many years ago, one of which was two days before Xmas so I can relate to what you are going through. I'm proud that you have decided to take charge and look after yourself to give you a good chance at starting again. Please, the main thing I will stress though is that you and your family take the time to heal from your loss as well. There are so many self-destructive things that come with losing a baby that need to be dealt with before you can healthily try again.

    I am at a stage now where I have the most wonderful 11yo son who is an absolute treasure, although at this point, it looks as though he will remain my one and only.

    Feel free to add me if you need someone to talk to, or someone to listen :flowerforyou:
  • brittanyla077
    brittanyla077 Posts: 79 Member
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    I can't relate I had two extremely healthy pregnancies and boys... but I feel fir you so much I'd go crazy thinking I couldn't have another kid...and yes I still want another one haha I will be there fir you anytime and push your butt to work our:-P I'm very glad you aren't blaming yourself bc I don't think your weight was a big issue bc u don't seem that heavy. I know plenty of women heavier that's carried babies...it just wasn't meant to be. Keep your head up and message me anytime u want <3
  • sunflower01
    sunflower01 Posts: 17
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    Hi, I'm so sorry to hear what you've gone through regarding your miscarriage! I'm not going to pretend to fully understand the angish, sadness, or guilt that you've had to deal with. I would like to say that you've handled the situation strongly and positively!

    I think it's wonderful that you've decided to get yourself healthy before trying to get pregnant again. In the long run, you're showing your family that you love them by first loving yourself so that you can be there for them for as long as possible!! That's a wonderful thing that many forget, they forget to love themselves first and be part of the stable foundation of a family. You're a wonderful role model to your daughter!!! Keep up the great work and great attitude!!

    I wish you all the best in your journey to a healthier you. :)
  • Pebble321
    Pebble321 Posts: 6,554 Member
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    I'm in a different place to you, but wanted to post to say that I know how hard it is to lose a baby to miscarriage and how sorry I am that you lost your precious baby.
    I don't have any other children and at my age and stage of life, it's not going to happen. I became pregnant 2 years ago, unexpectedly (sorry, I know it must be hard to hear people say "I just fell pregnant and we weren't even trying") at the age of 43. We didn't plan to have children and I was overwhelmed with stress and anxiety about how we could cope. But, just when I'd come to terms with what a great blessing it was, I lost the baby. Probably due to my age or my weight, or ... well, who knows.
    All I knew was that my only chance to be a mother had gone and no one else seemed to understand what great loss it was, or appreciate the depth of grief you can feel for the loss of a little person who never was.
    I consoled myself with food. I knew that I should be getting bigger all the time as my baby grew inside me, so in some strange logic it seemed right to be getting bigger and bigger every month even without being pregnant any more. Luckily, in an even stranger bit of logic I decided that I could only get bigger until the baby's due date. So, on 11/1/11 (11 Jan) last year I started to stop eating rubbish and get healthy again. I found MFP a few weeks later and it has been the best thing ever for me.

    Time really does help heal the wounds, while I'll always carry the thought of my baby who never was in my heart, I'm in a very different place 18 months later - happier, healthier and looking forward to my life.

    I can only wish the same for you. And wish you good luck with conceiving another little one, or with loving and enjoying the one you have if that is the way life works out for you.
  • LiviLou2011
    LiviLou2011 Posts: 437 Member
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    Im sorry about ur loss, i also suffered a misscarriage it was back in Feb. i never thought about it intell now but maybe it had something to do with my gaining alot of weight, i was slim when i got pregnant the first time, and had a healthy pregnancy! The misscarriage has been so hard on me and im still not completely over it, i kind of just dont think about it, but it effects every aspect of my life.
  • Sagefemme76
    Sagefemme76 Posts: 45 Member
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    Hi there! Well done for being so brave and sharing your story :)
    I'm so sorry for your loss. I can understand how devastated you must feel, but please, please, please don't blame yourself.
    Excess weight can be an issue with conception (it can upset hormone levels and prevent ovulation) and can cause complications later in pregnancy (increased risk of gestational diabetes, hypertension, etc) BUT it's unlikely to have been the cause of your miscarriage.
    The fact that you fell pregnant means that you DID ovulate (on that occasion, anyway) and you were not far along enough in the pregnancy for the other weight related risks to be an issue. The frustrating truth is that nobody (even the experts) ever know the real reason for miscarriage, which is why it can be so difficult to overcome. You just to grieve for your loss, then accept that it was nobody's fault, just a very sad thing to have happened.
    However, I'm very impressed by your attitude of wanting to get fit and healthy for the next pregnancy....way to go! There's no doubt that pregnancy and childbirth are easier when you are fitter ....not to mention afterwards when you'll have two little people to care for!
    I was an overweight mum, but lucky enough to not have any trouble conceiving....however, I was bigger during my first pregnancy and ended up having emergency CS, which I am convinced was down to my weight :( (and hospital policies regarding people my weight....grrr) I was much fitter for the second and managed to labour and birth really well...hooray!
    My sister is currently going through similar to you.....she and her husband have been trying for over 2 years and still haven't conceived. It's heartbreaking for all of us.....she is also overweight and wants to tackle that issue. She's even booked her long service leave from work with the intention of getting fit and healthy for conception. I'm her biggest cheerleader (after her hubby, I suppose) and am happy to cheer you on too! Wishing you every success xxx
  • LJA8608
    LJA8608 Posts: 48 Member
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    Thank you all for your kind words. Captawesome said it best that it can be a taboo topic and I am so glad that you all were willing to share your stories and words as well. Support is key to weight loss and writing this topic and knowing I am not alone in my feelings and that there are things I can and can't change has already helped me release some more of the pain. I appreciate every comment and every ounce of support you all have given me and my family!
  • NicolettetheGreek
    NicolettetheGreek Posts: 246 Member
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    Hello. Let me begin by saying I'm deeply sorry for your loss. As a RN, I can tell you that miscarriages are way more common than most women think.

    It bothers me that you are blaming this on your weight. I have seen 400+ pound women (some who did not even know they were pregnant) give birth to healthy, yet large babies.

    Unless your physician specifically told you it was your weight, then I wouldn't blame yourself. Babies miscarry for all sorts of reasons.

    Please, please, don't blame yourself. I will keep you in my prayers, and hope you can come to terms with this tragedy soon.

    I think it is very admirable to want to get to a healthier weight now, and lead a healthier lifestyle, because when you do have your first little baby, you will need to draw on all your reserves just to cope. Especially with toddlers.

    I have had a miscarriage too, my daughter has had 2 of them, and she never weighed over 175 pounds and she is 5'8".,
    so you see, it happens to all shapes and sizes of women.

    Be kind to yourself, look in the mirror and tell yourself "I love you." Your body is the only one you have.

    I am always available, if you need anything, (prayer), friendship.

    Bless you.

    Nicolette
  • LJA8608
    LJA8608 Posts: 48 Member
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    Thank you for your kind words Nicolette. I do have a 4 year old so I know toddlers take lots of energy ;) haha (That is another reason, more energy to devote to her.) She was a big baby, 9 lbs, 4 oz. so I definitely understand the need to lose weight before we had another one.

    Unfortunately I received very mixed messages from the two people that I dealt with so it really is hard to understand it. When I went to the ER the physician said just what you said, miscarriages are very common and most of the time it is due to an abnormality. I felt ok with this. Than when I went to my OB he blatantly told me that my weight may have caused issues with carrying the child. When I had my first child I ended at around 200, starting at 170.

    Thank you for sharing your story and your daughters. I am trying to come to grips that it may or may not have been in my control, I will never know... all I can do is move forward. I do however want to empower myself by making sure that I am doing everything I can to have another healthy baby and the first thing I am doing is trying to get down to a healthy weight :)
  • NicolettetheGreek
    NicolettetheGreek Posts: 246 Member
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    The thing about doctor's is: They have bad days also. I have worked in most areas of nursing, and have to say I have seen many put their foot in their mouth when talking to patient's and then walk away, leaving the nurse to patch things up.

    The ER doc's have seen so many miscarriages. But, they are have limited knowledge in MANY, MANY fields, but usually don't "master" in just one.

    Your OB is obviously a master, that is what they specialized in. However, I have hear them say what your's said to you many times..when they do not have any idea why, but your being overweight is something they can pin it on.

    I guess what I am trying to say is that the medical field is full of people who are prejudice against anyone who is overweight.
    This is he honest truth. When I went to my Ortho doc, he said my knee was hurting because I needed to lose weight. Yes, I did need to lose weight. But, he did not even BOTHER to suggest that maybe the fall I had taken down a few steps a few weeks earlier could have torn something. So, a few doctor's later..and 13+ surgeries later on said knee, I am medically retired, and cannot walk. Well I started 2 days ago. can walk 10 whole minutes now.

    Anyhew..Go back to your OB, and politely inquire, WHY? EXACTLY? did you form your opinion that it was my weight that caused the problem. You have the RIGHT to ask important questions. Like,"Did my labs show something abnormal, and if so, what does it mean" Don't let them treat you like a nobody. They work for you!!

    God Bless

    sorry for the rant...
  • Mkserpa
    Mkserpa Posts: 136
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    Miscarriages can happen for lots of reasons. While weight can make it difficult to conceive, I'm not so sure it's the cause of the miscarriage.

    I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks in November of 2010. I was in the best shape of my life at the time. I was incredibly fortunate to become pregnant again in January 2011 with my now beautifully perfect 4 month old baby girl (and now I'm in the worst shape of my life).

    Miscarriages are difficult. Nothing anyone can say can really make it feel any better. They are our babies the second we see those 2 lines on a positive pregnancy test. It's so amazing how we can love something so much even though we've never seen it or gotten to hold it.

    I am glad to see you are taking things on a positive light and bettering your health. Sending you lots of baby dust and good thoughts on all of your goals!
  • seal57
    seal57 Posts: 1,259 Member
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    I am sorry for your loss..I had a miscarriage in Feb 1996 and was given no reason why...The doctors could'tn find a reason......I needed a hyster in 2008 and my gyno said that my uterus was shaped like cow horns....That was the reason for the loss of my Angel Sam....It's been 16 years and there are times it still hurts....The hurt lies in that I wasn't meant to be a mum.....The hurt lies that I so miss my Angel.......:cry:

    I wish you all the luck in your weight loss and in conceiving a new brother or sister for your daughter......:flowerforyou:
  • RuralShutterbug
    RuralShutterbug Posts: 18 Member
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    I understand what you are going through - our baby daughter Ellin was stillborn at 20 weeks with major genetic abnormailities.That was 17 years ago, and I still wonder.... You are making the right move - concentrating on your own health and exercising will help keep the 'black dog' of depression at bay, hopefully.
    Losing weight will also help with this as it will stabilise the chemical balance to your brain is my understanding. Nothing you did or didn't do would cause you to miscarry at 9 weeks - fight to accept that, because it is true.
    At the moment, do what is right for YOU, not anyone around you, no matter how much you love them - you MUST do what is right for you. It has taken me 54 years to realise this, but I am becoming mentally healthier as a result. My thoughts and support are here whenever you need - take care of yourself, lovely lady!
  • ahinescapron
    ahinescapron Posts: 351 Member
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    We went through secondary infertility as well, although it did not have to do with my weight (I gained most of my weight doing fertility treatments). We had no problem with our first, but conceiving our second we had to go through a lot. It was hard, because everyone acts like if you already have a child it doesn't hurt as much, but not being able to conceive is painful at any point. Big hugs to you and I hope your weigh tloss helps you have a healthy pregnancy in the future.
  • tuffytuffy1
    tuffytuffy1 Posts: 920 Member
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    I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with the others, do not blame yourself, specifically your weight! I'm not an expert, but I had a miscarriage years ago before my now 7 year old son was conceived; and from what I recall, a miscarriage is the body's way of rejecting a chromosomal abnormality.

    And I wanted more than 1 child for years, but my husband did not. So we have our one and only, who is the absolute joy of my life. And let me assure you, that if your daughter turns out to be an only, she will have a very deep and strong connection with you and your husband, and she will be just fine, I promise.
  • kbw414
    kbw414 Posts: 194
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    Excess weight can be an issue with conception (it can upset hormone levels and prevent ovulation) and can cause complications later in pregnancy (increased risk of gestational diabetes, hypertension, etc) BUT it's unlikely to have been the cause of your miscarriage.


    I disagree with this. Being overweight can cause estrogen dominance, which then leads to having low progesterone which can cause miscarriages. This can happen even if a woman is ovulatory. But I do agree with this poster when she recommends not blaming yourself for your loss. It's not your fault; your attitude towards weight loss is a very good one!

    I, myself, have lost 3 children and I have no living children, so I definitely know what you're going through. My losses were due to my weight and I'm only about 25 lbs overweight (and ovulatory as well). So, unfortunately, it can happen. It sounds like you're headed in the right direction--please add me if you are looking for women who have the same background and the same goals as you do. Take care.
  • LJA8608
    LJA8608 Posts: 48 Member
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    Nicolette - thanks for the information. I totally understand what you mean when you say doctors are prejudice against overweight women. That is kind of how I feel about my OB. This was only the 2nd time I had met him (I just recently moved from the area with my original OB that delivered my first baby) and I don't think I will be going back to him. I did not feel at ease and he was very clinical. Although I know it is routine for him. As he was doing the exam and "interview" and I was crying, his nurse was the only one to offer support by holding my hand (my husband was in the waiting room with our daughter). I did not have any labs done since I opted to do it in private rather than a D&C or pill and it was too hard to try to take a "sample". It is just a sad experience and although it is so sad and I never would wish this on anyone, I take a little comfort in the fact that I am "not alone". :brokenheart:

    Mkserpa - Thanks for the baby dust... I will save it for the end of the year when we are hoping to start again :love:

    Seal57 - I am so sorry to hear your story. You are a mum even if your angel is not here with you. Bless you and thank you for the support in my time of need. :flowerforyou:

    christensen3 - I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Thank you for your kind words and I will absolutely take them to heart. I do want to do this for myself and I know I have to be selfish and want it for me, not just for my family. :happy:

    ahinescapron - You are in the exact position I am in. When we got pregnant the 2nd time, miscarriage never even crossed my mind because we got pregnant without even trying and aside from high blood pressure, I had an extremely easy pregnancy and L&D. I also was depressed because it took us two years of actively trying and when we finally were blessed, it was taken away and really the only thing that was different with this pregnancy was I weighed more so I blame it on my weight. Thank you for sharing your struggles with infertility. It means so much to hear these stories to help me come to terms with it. :flowerforyou:

    tuffytuffy1 - I was also told about the chromosomal abnormality by the ER doc so I think this has helped me feel a little less guilty. I think it's just in the not knowing for sure... I am the type of person that does not like to not have an answer so it has been hard to just let go and put it in God's hands. I do feel a little more secure hearing it said from experience that if she is our only she will have a deeper bond with us. Thank you for taking the time to support me.:smile:

    kbw414 - Thank you for sharing your story. Although like I said I never would wish this on anyone, it helps with the grief to know there are so many others out there that have gone through the same emotions I have felt over the last 2 months. Although I may never know for sure since I never had any testings done, I want to make sure I do everything possible to bring another healthy baby into this world and keep them healthy by setting an example for them! Thank you for your support. :smile:
  • megmo_7
    megmo_7 Posts: 98 Member
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    I am very sorry for your loss. As I dont want to share any personal situations about this I will tell you about 3 family members. My aunt had her son when she was 22 and tried for years to conceive after that. She did miscarry a few times a long the way, she eventually stopped trying and at the age of 40 became pregnant with a healthy baby girl. There was a 18 yr difference in her children and they are insanely close siblings, he really looks after his sister who is now 15. My cousin had her first child when she was a teenager she was 16 yrs old when she had her daughter. She tried again in her mid 20s for another child and could not conceive. She is now in a healthy pregnancy at the age of 32 with her second child after many bady experiences. Both my aunt and cousin(who is only related by marriage) were of healthy weight. My other cousin who is severly overweight she weighs close to 400 was able to conceive and delivered a healthy baby girl. She is now sadly an overweight child due to her mothers poor eating habits but she was born healthy. She has tried several times to have another baby since and has misscarried 3 times. My friend is 27 she had her first child at 18, she miscarried on mothers day 2 yrs ago and then a week before mothers day last yr she delivered a very healthy baby girl. My friend was in top shape and weighed on the low end of average.

    As you can see everyone is different, dont blame yourself and if you truly want it it will eventually happen. God works in mysterious ways!

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