advice appretiacted and needed

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ludogx87
ludogx87 Posts: 286 Member
in Motivation and Support
this is going to be a long one so bare with me.......

about 3 years ago i weighed 205 lbs, (im only 5'1) so i fell into the "morbidly obese" category, i had one of those close friends who i spent all my time with, worked together, drank together, partied together, the kind of friend you dont chap there door, you just walk in. we wer a double act, never not by each others side. loved her and trusted her to bits.... lets call her "emma"

anyway emma was about 5'8 so even though we were roughly about the same weight i was noticibally bigger,---- i was the fat one -- no sorry i was known as "the loud funny blonde one", LOL back then i was genuinly unhappy, i cried a lot, hated my job, hated my size, hated life in general... sure some of you out there can relate

so i decided to join a weight club - scottish slimmers, so i started it with a goal, and week after week i lost weight and things were getting easier, then as weeks went, other people started noticing and commenting, "emma" didnt, in fact things got worse, i stopped getting invited out to lunch and dinners, when i asked why i got "aww well because your on a DIET we didnt think you would want to"

few months later i made a massive deal over her 21st, bought her a swazorki crystal necklace and got her a suprise at her 21st party on stage with a fit naked butler inviting her to a pamper weekend etc thinking we would get back on track if we had a spa weekend together.... didnt help, she openly invited (on stage) another friend to the spa weekend, eventually the lunches and dinners evolved into not being invited to nights out.. social gatherings and house parties. in fact it ended up in not getting phone calls or texts ever.

anyway i kept my head high, i hit my target weight of 126lb - i'd lost over 5 and a half stone, and i invited her to my birthday night out that was all 80-'s, she showed up, not dressed for the theme, said had left my card in her house and dissapeard in less than an hour, kinda ruined my night

that was the last contact i had with her, phoned and texted her loads but got palmed off with excuses, so i left it.

fast forward 2 years....... i got lazy and put on 2 stone (why am now here) but i went back to scottish slimmers weight club class and she was there, looking a lot larger than the last i saw her and when i tried to speak to her i got palmed off with - "why are you even here, we all know you lost the weight through bulima, get a grip"

im absolutly devestated, this girl was my best friend for 4 years, the only person i have ever fully trusted and the only person i actually miss as i friend.

really thinking iv lost her forever, which hurts my heart, lol might sound like a sad sap here but honestly we spent every day together, even when we wernt together we were texting and phoning she was like the sister i never had.

any ideas where i go from here????
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Replies

  • DLJ_77
    DLJ_77 Posts: 100 Member
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    I am so sorry that "emma" turned out to not be the person you thought she was. It seems to me, and I could be wrong, that she was also upset about her body image and could not be happy for you after you took control of your weight. It seems like she was jealous of you for taking the initiative to make a positive change. Instead of being happy and supportive she became bitter and that's why the friendship deteriorated. As very difficult as it is to deal with, you will not be able to repair the relationship unless she is willing. It does not appear that she is and I hope it doesn't offend you when I say this: there are more supportive and better people out there. If she could not find happiness for you she was not a true friend to begin with.
  • hapoo100
    hapoo100 Posts: 940 Member
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    it is definitely a rough story, but a common one for some of us. Since people started to notice your transition, she may have felt jealous or even resentful by her own weight. In my opinion, it is usually more about them then it is about you.

    I say be supportive of her when you see her, especially if she does good in her weight loss. If she is successful, she may want to reconnect with you. If she doesnt, it hurts, but there isnt much else to do.
  • ludogx87
    ludogx87 Posts: 286 Member
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    it is definitely a rough story, but a common one for some of us. Since people started to notice your transition, she may have felt jealous or even resentful by her own weight. In my opinion, it is usually more about them then it is about you.

    I say be supportive of her when you see her, especially if she does good in her weight loss. If she is successful, she may want to reconnect with you. If she doesnt, it hurts, but there isnt much else to do.

    i tried but remeber im "bulimic" to her LOL and when i started scottish slimmers i remember the jibes and taunts i use to get of "fat club" yeah whos laughing now lol

    just hurts i lost one of the people i care most about over losing weight ye know???
  • xosmsox
    xosmsox Posts: 119
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    Haters gonna hate.
  • tayca9174
    tayca9174 Posts: 37
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    Aw girlie...cheer up! Some girls just aren't made to be ladies like you and I! I really don't have any advice for you because I'm much like you from the sounds of it and really try to be a great friend and get walked over all the time. I would just suggest living under a rock and giving up on have female friends as I have done...just kidding!

    There are so many people out there that can really be great friends and honest and loyal and want YOU to be happy. This old friend of yours sounds like she was jealous of your success and couldn't be happy for you. I know its hard to go through this, especially since you two were so close. Maybe one day she will grow-up and want to be a great friend you deserve! Until then...I know I live across the pond from you but I've been there and done that with friends and kind of know what you are going through. You've got a friend in me! And by the way...congrats on losing 15 lbs! Any time you need some motivation and support there are people who will stand by your side and support you! :-)
  • shanlynt
    shanlynt Posts: 754 Member
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    That's tough Laura. I have first hand experience with this, although it's always my friends that have lost weight. It's human nature to be somewhat jealous I think but to outright accuse you of being bulimic is just nasty. Even though you want to rekindle your friendship, I think it may be a lost cause. Sorry:flowerforyou:
  • elledo
    elledo Posts: 80
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    Oh you poor thing! I totally understand where you're coming from...although in my situation my friend has just drifted away. Regardless of the reason, it still hurts. Someone told me once that that people will come and go in your life. The ones that go are just sent to teach you something. Sounds to me like there are people out there, who will support and love you far better than she can :) Still totally sucks though. Sending hugs xoxo
  • lahonda904
    lahonda904 Posts: 5
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    A TRUE friend will be there to support you NO MATTER WHAT! Sounds like it is time for you to move on and realize that you are worth more than being someone's second best...
    :wink:
  • Caffeine_Addict
    Caffeine_Addict Posts: 178 Member
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    It seems she has something going on with her. It's probably not about you at all. Maybe dealing with her weight and her issues will eventually bring her to a realization. Until then you can only control your actions.
  • 1996gtstang
    1996gtstang Posts: 279 Member
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    why are you trying so hard to be friends with an idiot, find a frend that will respect you
  • ginnylee74
    ginnylee74 Posts: 398 Member
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    A TRUE friend will be there to support you NO MATTER WHAT! Sounds like it is time for you to move on and realize that you are worth more than being someone's second best...
    :wink:

    This

    I'm sorry you had to go through this with someone you thought of as a friend. It sounds as if "emma" had you as a friend because your weight problem made her feel superior. I've known so called friends like that. When you succeded with your weight loss, you became a threat and probably (in her mind) she felt inferior to you for what ever reason.

    I don't think she ever was a real friend. She probably was or is a user. Sometimes they change and become wiser and sometimes they don't. My advice, for what it's worth, is seek new friends and let her go. Be the positive loving person you are let her be who she is. The old saying, "With friends like that who needs enemies." As long as you keep wondering and worring about how or why she treated you as she did she is controling your life. :flowerforyou:
  • taunto
    taunto Posts: 6,420 Member
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    I'm only 28, fairly young however few things I have learned

    True friendships lasts forever. I got few friends who I havent talked for years but if I get in touch with them, we would be right where we left off.
    Some friendships have an expiration date. Those are the friendships that start strong and its all lovey dovey, never anything going wrong and then BAM! its all over. Only time tested friendships lasts

    There are a few rules I live my life with. Wether these rules have made me a success or a failure, idk but it has made me, ME

    1) forgive, but never forget
    2) Always keep your door open, but be selective about opening your heart.

    I think both of those things apply to you currently. Forgive her mistakes. Tell her that you still consider her a friend and that she's more than welcome to get in touch whenever she feels like getting back in touch with her. If she comes back, well, forgive her but never forget. If she dont...oh well.

    Just my $0.02
  • diorr246
    diorr246 Posts: 7 Member
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    I would think that if she genuinely thought you had bulimia she would have talked to you and tried to help you, not ignore it for years and then be cruel about it when you net saw her. My guess is that she's working her own stuff out and trying to fix things in her life and perhaps she taking that bitterness out on those around her she sees as more successful.

    When people feel they're not on par with someone they either beat their chest to bring them selves up to your level or try to cut you down to bring you down to theirs.
  • BeautyFromPain
    BeautyFromPain Posts: 4,952 Member
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    it is definitely a rough story, but a common one for some of us. Since people started to notice your transition, she may have felt jealous or even resentful by her own weight. In my opinion, it is usually more about them then it is about you.

    I say be supportive of her when you see her, especially if she does good in her weight loss. If she is successful, she may want to reconnect with you. If she doesnt, it hurts, but there isnt much else to do.

    My MUM is the same as this. She used to be alright to live with but now she is just a out right *****. She just doesn't want me to be happy or successful...
  • brittanyla077
    brittanyla077 Posts: 79 Member
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    I am so sorry that "emma" turned out to not be the person you thought she was. It seems to me, and I could be wrong, that she was also upset about her body image and could not be happy for you after you took control of your weight. It seems like she was jealous of you for taking the initiative to make a positive change. Instead of being happy and supportive she became bitter and that's why the friendship deteriorated. As very difficult as it is to deal with, you will not be able to repair the relationship unless she is willing. It does not appear that she is and I hope it doesn't offend you when I say this: there are more supportive and better people out there. If she could not find happiness for you she was not a true friend to begin with.

    Agree
  • monicamk1975
    monicamk1975 Posts: 298 Member
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    Cut your loses. You dont need her, she isn't someone that will benefit you. Surround yourself with positive people that care about you :) You deserve it!
  • IronSmasher
    IronSmasher Posts: 3,908 Member
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    Find someone better.

    In a few years she may have grown up, but she can't do that around you, you're just hurting each other.
  • sloanie1
    sloanie1 Posts: 276 Member
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    Yes unfortunately in life we meet some people who we thought were our friends....its sad because it's like a relationship break up to an extent....BUT you need to move on, she clearly has issues and they are HER issues not yours, don't look back, move forward and learn from the experience, these people are sent to us to help us learn lessons....HOW not to treat others!!!!
  • zontuin
    zontuin Posts: 72 Member
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    My friend, I'm sorry to hear about your loss of friendship with Emma. I agree with many of the responses here. I too do not think there is anything you an do to repair the friendship because the problem is about her and her feelings, and it looks like's she's unwilling. The best advice I could give you is to allow yourself the space and time to grieve over the loss of this special friendship, and then move on.

    There WILL be other friendships that will give you support, companionship and fun in your life. Do not let this experience hold you back from reaching out to others. You're a special person, but Emma is not some place where she can appreciate that.... and you deserve more respect than what she has been giving you for quite a while. Don't settle for less. One closed door always will lead to many others opening for you. Watch and wait. It will happen.
  • sel254
    sel254 Posts: 273 Member
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    I'm really sorry you've had to go through this, you're obviously devastated about the whole situation. I had a couple of friends who I was very very close to, as you were to 'Emma'. However, it differs in that I was the "fat" one at a size 16 - one was a size 8 and the other was a 10. As soon as I started losing weight, it's like they lost interest in me. Like you, I stopped being invited out and eventually we stopped talking altogether. I was later told by another friend that they had been moaning that whenever we went out, I was "stealing" all the attention! I came to the conclusion that if my friends weren't happy for me after they knew how I'd been feeling for the last few years, then they weren't really the kind of people I wanted in my life. I put on weight after losing my husband and daughter within a few months of each other and in a way, I purposely put on weight as I didn't WANT the attention and just wanted to be alone for the rest of my life. 6 years later, I finally feel able to move on, which is why I decided to do something about the things that were holding me back, namely my weight because I have very little self confidence as it is, without feeling "ugly". If those girls were my friends, they would have been happy for me that I was finally over the worst and trying to move on with my life. As brutal as it sounds, I think your friend was jealous because you had the guts and motivation to do something about it and it was probably a case of her feeling guilty about herself because she couldn't or wouldn't do anything for herself. As difficult as it is, I think it might be time for you to put that one to rest and just move on. The right people for you are the ones who make you happy, not the ones who cause you misery :) xxx

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