Help Needed!!!!

subigirl · February 2012

Okay, I am here pleading for suggestions...but not for my own fitness goals. I am terribly concerned for my husband! I apologize in advance for the length of this post.

When I met my husband, I weight about 30 lbs more than I do now...and continued to gain until I was just over 200 lbs. That, and finding out my mom was diagnosed as diabetic, was a major life changer that resulted in my journey to lose nearly 70 lbs to date.

My husband, when we met, weighed about 136 lbs. He is only 5'9", and has never been very muscular. Was always the band geek/computer nerd. He is now over 200 lbs (won't tell me exactly how over). He is currently 36, and has been gaining pretty steadily since turning 30, and has just accepted it as "all men in my family gain weight after 30"! I'm really starting to be concerned about his health!!! See, neither of us really trust doctors, so I have no way of really knowing what is going on with him, but I'm starting to see symptoms that I know are not good. First of all, the man who never snored when we married now snores so loud that I'm awake much of the night (I'm a very light sleeper). I was concerned about this, and did some research to find that being overweight could cause snoring, and not for good reasons. The excess fat tissues in the neck area can cause some blockage in the airways, and cause a sleep apnea. I do know that my husband has been complaining more and more about waking up several times in the night, and I am sure it is not always because I'm trying to get him to roll over to stop the snoring...my husband does not wake up that easily! One time, the fire alarm IN OUR BEDROOM went off because of dust particles, and he slept right though it, and me trying to beat the crap out of the thing! So, something else has to be waking him up, and the most plausible reason (keeping the snoring in mind) is a sleep apnea caused by his weight gain.

Either because of the sleep disruption or because he is carrying around the extra weight, my husband doesn't have any energy to do anything! I try to get us out of the house by going to the mall or something, and after the first store, he says his feet hurt and he wants to go home! He spends about 80% of his waking time he is not at work in front of the TV!

Another think I've noticed is more body acne. My husband always tries to say maybe I should wash the sheets more often, but doing so does not help. I've tried buying him shower products to deal with it, but these don't seem to work, either. I know it has to be something internal. I mean, I am very prone to breakouts, and under the current conditions, I'm not having any acne issues. I did have more breakouts when I weighted more and ate a lot of junk food, but since being more health conscious, I hardly have any breakouts any more. My husband, on the other hand, has terrible breakouts, some which will take WEEKS to heal!

I can't help but wonder what other physical symptoms he is having that aren't so obvious, but he just won't say anything about. He carries most of his weight around his stomach, which really concerns me. I mean, at least when I had gained all the weight, it was pretty much evenly distributed...but all in the gut is a very bad thing!

I have tried to convince my husband to do something. I had to come right out and told him I loved him, and that I was actually in fear for his health! That didn't go over very well, and caused an argument. The whole topic came up because some clothes didn't fit, and he got all frustrated and mad about it. Yes, I remember those days very well, and I remember my husband telling me that if I was so unhappy with myself, do something about it...but that he loved me and though me beautiful just the way I was. I've tried several times to get my husband to eat the way I eat, but he doesn't want to have anything to do with it. He says that all my healthy food is too bland! I try to tell him I used to think the same thing, but after I got off of the fattening, over-salted, over-sweetened stuff for a while, my taste buds reset themselves, and the healthy stuff actually started having more flavor...I mean, apples have never tasted sweeter to me than they do now, and the sweets I used to turn to are actually now too sweet for my liking. I asked him to at least try to cut out his Cokes and the sweet tea, but he says he refuses to give anything up. He doesn't think he drinks enough sugary drinks for it to really matter, but I've watched him in a day. He gets at least 1,100 calories from sugary drinks alone! What is worse, he doesn't drink any plain water except for maybe one glass a week! I'm sure if I could get him to cut out only the sugary drinks, he would start losing weight!

My husband KNOWS that I know what I'm doing. He's watched me lose nearly 70 lbs, he has watched me get rid of my insomnia and migraine headaches. I feel like he really wants to lose the weight, and get back to where he should be...vibrant, healthy, ready to go at any second....but he just doesn't want to do what it takes to get there. He doesn't want to exercise, he doesn't want to give up stuff. As a matter of fact, he tries to say now that I'm too skinny! I'm 5'2", and weight 134 lbs! My last body fat measurement was just over 24%!! I can't help but wonder if it is more a "security" issue, or "misery loves company". I know you can't help people who truly don't want to help themselves. I just see myself becoming a widow...and at the current rate, I see this happening before I turn 60, and I'm older than my husband! Not to mention, I want to be able to enjoy my life with my husband NOW! I'm tired of getting sent off to the mall and stuff by myself because I'm tired of sitting around and have energy to burn, while he doesn't have any energy to do anything and is content in front of the TV! Anyone out there been in my shoes? Any advice that can be offered?

mallory3411 · February 2012

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do. He needs to decide that HE wants to do it. No one will do it if they are pressured. I know you have his best interests at heart however he may see it as nagging etc.

He needs to decide to do it for himself. It's only going to make him mad if you keep on him about losing weight.

One suggestion.. who does the cooking? Who does the grocery shopping? If you are the one doing the cooking and shopping than don't buy the bad foods. If he wants them he can go to the store and buy them himself. If you do the cooking refuse to make separate meals. He can make his own if he doesn't want what you want. And if something is too bland for him... stock up on spices!

subigirl · February 2012

Thanks for the tips! I do the shopping and the cooking. He will stop and get the bad stuff on his own. I will buy him things he can grab and have for breakfast and lunch, and they end up going bad...even when I get what he asks for (forgot to mention, no breakfast is another of his bad habits). I've asked him what he wants for breakfast on the go, and he will say Quaker bars or yogurt. Can't tell you how many yogurts I've thrown away...even put them right on the front of the top shelf so he doesn't have to dig for them (and I'm lactose intolerant...so no yogurts for me). I'll make him a lunch, he will "forget" to take it and grab fast food.

I don't make separate dinners, but that doesn't stop him from loading on some cheese, or extra dressing on his salad! Then, about an hour before bed, I'll find him in the kitchen frying up some eggs and making toast, because he says he's hungry again.

ettaterrell · February 2012

To me all his health problems seem to be weight issues. If he is loading up on the cheese and salad dressing start making your own salad dressing and use light mayo or buy (I hate store bought dressing) less fattning salad dressing. (small changes is the key here I think.) Buy low fat cheese or oops I forgot the cheese when i went to the store! lol One thing I've noticed with me is i am a salt eating freak! Does he he alot of salt? I would just start making small changes like that. Somethings you can change that he might not notice. He will lose that way and not even know he is (if your doing the cooking) I cooked a turkey link (sweet italian) sausage lastnight with evoo and bell peppers and onions and hubby loved it... (he is 5'9 and very skinny) He is so use to my fatting cooking and he still loved the dish. Served over grits or rice. If he is a butter hog like us buy a healthy butter cook with evoo.
As far as the soda goes, that is sooooo bad for him and I have no clue how to help you with that because it is bad for diet soda to me too. Great tip on tea is: I make lipton tea and buy those rasberry mixes to go in the tea. very low cals and hubby loves it too even over soda. (to start with add 1/2 cup of sugar to it when you make it and then 1/4 a cup until you don't put any sugar in it. Even my kids drink it....
He is telling you your too skinny because he doesn't want to lose you, and it's easier on him if you gain weight than him getting off his butt and loseing it. But I think if you do small things like this that he doesn't know he is doing and he sees results it MIGHT spark something in him when he sees he has lost weight.

subigirl · February 2012

Thanks for the tips!

I do try to sneak things in there. I will see what else I can get away with. I swear that man has a pallet for sugar and fat! So many times, he doesn't fall the for the switch. Artificial sweeteners (and I've tried them all) he says leave an after-taste. He also says the low-fat cheese doesn't melt the same as the regular stuff...too much like plastic. As for the dressing, I will see if I can find a good lower fat blue cheese recipe. He will ONLY use blue cheese! If we go to a restaurant and they say they don't have blue cheese, he often times doesn't even eat his salad if he has to use something like ranch...he says ranch is ONLY for wings. He out right refuses to use anything but real butter, and even at that, can't stand when I buy the unsalted over the salted...and yes, he is a salt eating freak! Even when we eat out, he adds salt to the food, while I'm sitting there thinking how much I can taste the salt overload in the food already.

Of course, I have the other problem. I won't feed my husband or my kids something if I won't eat it myself (with the exception of wheat, because in my case it is an allergy which they don't have). So, that rules out artificial sweeteners since about a year ago because I know they can cause migraines, they mess with hormone levels, etc. They are bad news. There are certain preservatives and stuff I am dead set against (MSG, BHA, BHT, high-fructose corn syrup), and these things don't even make it in the house. I've become a huge label reader (read Jillian Micheal's"Boost Your Metabolism" book about this time last year, and it scared the crap out of me). Most of the changes, my family hasn't even noticed...like when I switched to the Simply Ketchup (no high-fructose corn syrup), or the fact I use organic fruit and veggies whenever possible, or grass-fed, free-range meat and eggs. I've also stopped using boxed products like Hamburger Helper and stuff...I'll do my own with wheat pasta (or gluten-free for me), adding my own spices and veggies.

The sodas and the sweet tea are the big things. He usually makes his own tea, and will put full cup of sugar in the pitcher every time. Like I said, if we could get rid of the sugary drinks, that would easily be 1,100 calories he would not be taking in each day...calories he wouldn't even be noticing because it is something that doesn't fill him normally. Not to mention, all the sodium in the sodas! I stopped drinking sodas about a year ago, and I don't even crave them any more. For me, it was diet sodas, because I've always been one to not drink my calories....I like to save all my calories for the good stuff...the stuff that matters! That made me a heavy user of artificial sweetener...that was until I figured out what all that artificial sweetener was doing to me health-wise. Once I was able to match a symptom to the sweetener, I stopped using it and don't even crave it. See, that is the strange thing with me....if I just try to quit something to lose weight or something like that, I want it even more. However, if I link the food or ingredient to and actual bad symptom I have, it's like it suddenly turns off the switch in my brain that ever wants it again. Just wish my husband were the same way...he has the knowledge! He knows the adverse affects on the body that certain things have, and he KNOWS if he quits certain things he will feel better...but his switches just don't ever seem to turn off.

As I typed this, it hit me to look up raw sugar vs. white sugar. Seems raw sugar has 5 less calories per tsp than white! Considering there are 48 tsp in a cup, that is 240 calories less per pitcher if I could get my husband to use raw sugar instead. Hmmm...he easily goes through a pitcher a day.

If it is a little sweeter than it's white counterpart, maybe he will use less!

ettaterrell · February 2012

I can relate to alot of his things. I am a HUGE salt person, I eat salt on everything even after I cook with it. Now I'm useing nosalt and it's ok but I tried using it on the family and my kids noticed it. Also artf. sugars are so nasty! I've tried every one of them for coffee and other things and I have a bad after taste so I just dont eat sugar at all now, besides the CL rasberry for my tea. I hope things work out for you. Keep us posted on the progress about the sugar!!

RedHeadChick · February 2012

I think the main thing is to try and keep in mind is has to want to get better. So I think it wil be super important to come at this from a different angle. Men can be tricky about how they take what wives have to say. They know we LOVE them, but sometimes we end up sounding like their Mother's and they will "Turn US right OFF". Almost like the teacher from the Peanuts cartoon. "Wha wha wha waa wahaa".... Or it can break out in an argument... Neither is good for anyone.

What I suggest is asking him if he wants to lose the weight? Explain that he doesn't have to do it exactly the way that you have done it. But ask how he would like to attack the weight issue?... It will be easier if you can get him talking, then if he feels like he needs to defend himself and the way that he is.

I think he knows there is a problem, but is afraid to address the route cause. It sounds to me like some of it does come down to food choices. But I think there may be a control issue going on? The food stuff can be easily addressed, by simply cutting portions. Let him keep some of his dressing, cheese and salt. Pick your battles. But portion control will help over all.

I have a similar issue with food for my hubby. I started buying less junk and started providing other stuff as well. Found out I needed to have things he liked as opposed to what I thought he would like. So find out what your hubby likes and will eat and then buy a little of the junk (for now) and some of his favorit healthy eats. It takes baby steps to make progress. So take it slow and pick one thing to work on for now.

My hubby has a horrible addiction to cigarretts. So over time I have had to back off a bit. And learn how to talk to him, so that I don't sound like I am telling him what to do. I know he has to be ready to make the change (tried several times, but ended up returning to it). And I feel that we are getting close to him trying to quit again, but it is hard to wait for them to "just do it". I still talk to him about it, and try to give some helpfull suggestions, but in the end he is the only one who will need to make the choice.

Prayer has also helped in the past. You can always try that. I have asked for us to be able to communicate better and to be more receptive to one another. And I have been pretty blown away how well it worked!

Anyhow, I wish you well. And hope that your hubby comes around to taking better care of himself.

Help Needed!!!!

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