I dont know what to do. Im breaking

xYumzx
xYumzx Posts: 953 Member
edited November 11 in Motivation and Support
For as long as I can remember my parents have been over-weight. I used to be so afraid that I would get like that and deep down I believe thats the reason why im changing my life. Sometimes, I sit in the den with my mom and I get so choked about because im so scared that her weight will be the death of her. She talks with me about wanting to lose the weight, she gets so upset , she has even talked about surgery. But my aunt had the surgery and shes gaining it back, so my mom doesnt want that anymore. Now my dad has gotten back into going to the gym, and he is so gung-ho about it that hes pushy about it, which I dont think is right. I really want to help my parents to be the happy healthy couple I know they are deep down inside. I honestly feel that if they were to do this their lives would be so much less stressful. I want to help so bad but I dont know what to do.

Has anyone ever been in this situation? Is there anything I can do or am I just being to wishful? Really any advice from you guys would be better then what I have and thats nothing.

My parents got married 36 years ago and i want them to be married 50+ years.

Replies

  • busyPK
    busyPK Posts: 3,788 Member
    Sounds like you live pretty close to them? If so, then hopefully your new healthy lifestyle will rub off. Maybe cook them a healthy meal and bring it over? Or cook with your mom or day to show them one of your new recipes (that is also healthy)? Ask your mom to go on a walk with you, or to the store with you (and park far away)? The small things might help your parent's out. :smile:
  • xYumzx
    xYumzx Posts: 953 Member
    Sounds like you live pretty close to them? If so, then hopefully your new healthy lifestyle will rub off. Maybe cook them a healthy meal and bring it over? Or cook with your mom or day to show them one of your new recipes (that is also healthy)? Ask your mom to go on a walk with you, or to the store with you (and park far away)? The small things might help your parent's out. :smile:
    I live @ home... and my mom is so proud of me, but she just idk doesnt have the will power and it breaks my heart.
  • FlyByJuly
    FlyByJuly Posts: 564 Member
    Have you told your mom about MFP? I think that's the first thing I'd do. Not only would she have your support, but she can make friends here and add to her support group. I think that would be a huge step. I admire you for wanting to help her, and it's obvious that you love and care for your folks so much!! Wishing the best for you and your family!!!:flowerforyou:
  • Helloitsdan
    Helloitsdan Posts: 5,564 Member
    Genetics suck!
    Its one of 3 main factors for obesity!

    Educating them to an easier way of living with whole foods is a great idea.
    Make them dinner and use whole foods.
    Teach them about heart disease!

    Point them to MFP and get them on board.

    One thing to remember is if they have the right information when starting out, they will last a lot longer than people who dont.
    I just cleaned out 36 january friends last night.
    36

    Great bodies are built in the kitchen first, in bed while you sleep second!
    Everything else is moot!
  • xYumzx
    xYumzx Posts: 953 Member
    Have you told your mom about MFP? I think that's the first thing I'd do. Not only would she have your support, but she can make friends here and add to her support group. I think that would be a huge step. I admire you for wanting to help her, and it's obvious that you love and care for your folks so much!! Wishing the best for you and your family!!!:flowerforyou:
    \
    I did I even signed her up, but nothing. Idk what to do anymore its breaking my heart
  • OfficialPR
    OfficialPR Posts: 1,578 Member
    Very sorry to hear about that...I would agree genetics are indeed tough. I've come to learn that there's alot of emotion tied to food, so are they very vocal conversationalists or more subdued quiet? I did like the recommendation to cook a healthy meal and ask if she can keep you company while you're doing it. Bring up some of your workouts and how you're enjoying them. Hope that helps some...:heart:
  • xYumzx
    xYumzx Posts: 953 Member
    Very sorry to hear about that...I would agree genetics are indeed tough. I've come to learn that there's alot of emotion tied to food, so are they very vocal conversationalists or more subdued quiet? I did like the recommendation to cook a healthy meal and ask if she can keep you company while you're doing it. Bring up some of your workouts and how you're enjoying them. Hope that helps some...:heart:

    My father is veryyyyyy vocal.... my Mother is not as vocal. my mom is more pron to just letting things slide but she isnt an emotional eater.. what scares me is that when i do ask her to help me shes always tired.
  • jenlarz
    jenlarz Posts: 813 Member
    I'd say just keep trying! Let her know your fears and maybe help her to cook healthier meals? sounds like your dad would be good with that.
  • Dtho5159
    Dtho5159 Posts: 1,054 Member
    i feel you.. Growing up, my dad weighed 350-400lb and my mom 250-290lb. My mom is down to 230lb now and sadly my dad passed when i was 17. Its rough.. I was too young to really deal with trying to help them at the time but now am trying to help my mom lose a little more weight.
  • matthewparmenter
    matthewparmenter Posts: 28
    She talks with me about wanting to lose the weight, she gets so upset , she has even talked about surgery. But my aunt had the surgery and shes gaining it back, so my mom doesnt want that anymore.

    Obviously I don't know your parents or your aunt but I felt compelled to comment on this specific aspect. I have been in bariatric surgery support meetings for 2+ years while I've worked (and continue to work) to get my weight down so my BMI is within the acceptable range for surgery candidates.

    Every month I see the wonderful success stories of people who have had the surgery. Assuming that your aunt doesn't have other medical conditions that are preventing her from keeping the weight off, chances are she is gaining the weight back because she is not eating right and following her doctor's/nutritionist's directions. Bariatric surgery is only a tool... if someone doesn't change their eating habits and lifestyle the surgery is just a waste of time.

    I would recommend that you encourage your mother to do some research and determine for herself if the surgery would be right for her. She may decide that it isn't but in my experience the surgery works wonderfully for people who are dedicated to making the lifestyle changes required.

    Best of luck... as someone who has overweight parents I know exactly how you feel.
  • samhelen
    samhelen Posts: 98
    Weight loss and being willing to move forward and make it happen is a very personal experience. As much as it may concern you and break your heart the suggetions that others have made are about all you can do. When she's ready to move forward and make a change she will -- I wouldn't even focus on foods persay right now, maybe just get her to take a walk with you in the afternoons or evenings until she's tired and the loop back home -- take it as time to bond and move at her pace and then go do your workout later or before. Even if she's not ready to make a diet change, getting more motion into her life will make a huge difference. For me, the exercising started before the food changes.
  • twinmom430
    twinmom430 Posts: 457 Member
    Unfortunatly until she is ready to make the change, she isn't going to. I've been told about my weight by dr's, parents et , but I wasn't ready, something just clicked a few months ago, I was ready to do it for me!!
    But I think since you are doing the right thing now, maybe she will follow your lead. Like someone else said try cooking dinner or helping and suggest low fat options. Maybe you could go on a walk with your mom....start out slow, and gradually have her work up to your speed. My mom and I walk every night together now, it's a great stress relief and I can talk without all the distractions of my hectic life. Good luck!! You are a great daughter for being so concerned.
  • tamig83
    tamig83 Posts: 14
    My parents are actually the reason why I started my weight loss journey. THey have lost weight and were leaving me behind. I actually know where you are coming from though because I just recently moved back home and I cannot eat any of the food my parents make. Although they have lost weight, they still eat the bad foods, they just eat less of them. My dad has also smoked since I can remember ( and I'm 28. think he was smoking before I was born). I think the best thing is to lead by example and try to include them in what you are doing, like everyone said. When I was little, I hid all my dads cigs when he was at work. He was NOT happy and I learned that although it may truly break your heart to see others doing things to themselves that are not healthy, we cannot change them. All we can do is show them there is a better way, give them options, and pray they choose the right ones.

    I think the suggestions everyone is giving are great, especially realizing the emotionalist side of eating. If they are competitive, maybe you could set up some family challenge, with your mom and you against your dad. That way he wont be so pushy because he's going to feel like he'll show you guys up and you and your mom can work together to develop a healthy plan.

    I'll be thinking about you and your family and hoping everything works out :wink:
  • CheleLynn44
    CheleLynn44 Posts: 339 Member
    I know for a fact my mom was VERY worried about me and my weight. But she knew that until I was ready I wasn't going to do anything. But once I decided to do something about it there is no stopping me now!!

    Just keep doing what you are doing, being encouraging, and loving. Eventually she might start asking more questions about what you are doing and maybe someday join you. We all know how much better it is to do this with people.

    But until she is ready there is no forcing this. I don't know how overweight she is, but for me being at 307 to start it seemed that I had so much to lose that I could neverdo it. But now I know breaking it down into smaller goals I can do it!!

    Good luck with your lifestyle change and hopefully your mom will start too!!
  • Ephena
    Ephena Posts: 610 Member
    My mom was always the super skinny girl who ate anything and stayed skinny (note I said skinny, not slim or even healthy). She doesn't see the difference unfortunately.

    My dad was the football/wrestling jock who ate and ate and ate to maintain his body.

    Now they are both very overweight.

    My mom will go for days where she barely eats anything then she binges on junk. She'll eat "clean and healthy" for a few days but she does it so drastically that it's not maintainable and after a few days she burns out and reaches for the junk food.

    My dad just never stopped eating. He eats like he's spending hours at the gym working out yet he sits at a desk all day long.

    Unfortunately neither one of them has had that moment when they decide to truly make the changes they need to. My dad says he's so proud of me (and is actually going to give me some money for clothes when I reach my goal). But he won't even consider slowing down on his eating or trying to make any changes to his lifestyle (I don't think he really wants to). My mom says she's proud and then says she's jealous and wants to do it too. She even has an account here on MFP, now if she would just actually and accurately use it :grumble:

    I wish you the best of luck, but I don't have an answer. Just the co-misery of knowing you're not alone in this struggle.
  • EMagineBeingEMazing
    EMagineBeingEMazing Posts: 76
    I am in THE SAME BOAT with my mom! She's tried all the diets, even lost significant weight successfully at least twice, but just doesn't have her mind wrapped around working on it now. Being in her fifties now, it is affecting her mobility, which then hinders her excercising... that vicious cycle. She is praising me for doing so well, and I've talked to her about the site, the premise, the support system... even said "just sign up and look around, don't worry about adding friends or committing to anything." But as far as I know she hasn't even done that. It breaks my heart, but more than that, frightens me for what might be down the road. She's to the point that she needs a knee replacement and has other things going on as well (one being severe depression which is the WORST factor!) and I had to explain to her (in the nicest way possible) that if something were to happen that she felll, or became immobile, me nor my step-dad would be able to lift her.
    The basic thing is, as we all know, this entire process starts with mental preparedness! And if they're not there, then they're just not. So, being in the same shoes, I just continue praying and letting her know how easy this is, and offering what I can (we live 2 hrs from each other). You can't MAKE them do it - unfortunately. :(
    Congrats on your personal success btw! :)
  • ce_fit
    ce_fit Posts: 299 Member
    Have you thought of trying to make it a fun family competition. The girls (you & Mom) vs Dad (you said he is gung ho). Maybe mom would love to kick Dad's a**! You would have to be creative with the competitions within the competition. For example person with fewest minutes excercised during the week cooks a meal choosen by the person who had highest minutes exercised.

    If mom buys in then you have got her started and that is half the battle! Good luck!!
  • xYumzx
    xYumzx Posts: 953 Member
    My parents are actually the reason why I started my weight loss journey. THey have lost weight and were leaving me behind. I actually know where you are coming from though because I just recently moved back home and I cannot eat any of the food my parents make. Although they have lost weight, they still eat the bad foods, they just eat less of them. My dad has also smoked since I can remember ( and I'm 28. think he was smoking before I was born). I think the best thing is to lead by example and try to include them in what you are doing, like everyone said. When I was little, I hid all my dads cigs when he was at work. He was NOT happy and I learned that although it may truly break your heart to see others doing things to themselves that are not healthy, we cannot change them. All we can do is show them there is a better way, give them options, and pray they choose the right ones.

    I think the suggestions everyone is giving are great, especially realizing the emotionalist side of eating. If they are competitive, maybe you could set up some family challenge, with your mom and you against your dad. That way he wont be so pushy because he's going to feel like he'll show you guys up and you and your mom can work together to develop a healthy plan.

    I'll be thinking about you and your family and hoping everything works out :wink:

    A challenge agaisnt my dad oh my that made me laugh because thats how he would feel like he could dobetter lol
  • caseynjason
    caseynjason Posts: 96 Member
    This might not be what you are wanting to hear, but only your Mom can change. If she doesn't have that want, or drive, nothing you do will make it happen. I just want you to make sure that you are living for you, and you are going to be happy and healthy even if she chooses not to.

    You can be there and support, but you can't be miserable and unhappy because of their choices. She has to do the work. If she doesn't, it can make you sad, but focus on what you are doing for you. Look towards your future and your ambitions. You can live your own dreams and hope she doesn't give up on life.
  • xYumzx
    xYumzx Posts: 953 Member
    This might not be what you are wanting to hear, but only your Mom can change. If she doesn't have that want, or drive, nothing you do will make it happen. I just want you to make sure that you are living for you, and you are going to be happy and healthy even if she chooses not to.

    You can be there and support, but you can't be miserable and unhappy because of their choices. She has to do the work. If she doesn't, it can make you sad, but focus on what you are doing for you. Look towards your future and your ambitions. You can live your own dreams and hope she doesn't give up on life.

    Im living for me but i truley wish my mother would live for me to =(
  • matthewparmenter
    matthewparmenter Posts: 28
    This might not be what you are wanting to hear, but only your Mom can change. If she doesn't have that want, or drive, nothing you do will make it happen. I just want you to make sure that you are living for you, and you are going to be happy and healthy even if she chooses not to.

    You can be there and support, but you can't be miserable and unhappy because of their choices. She has to do the work. If she doesn't, it can make you sad, but focus on what you are doing for you. Look towards your future and your ambitions. You can live your own dreams and hope she doesn't give up on life.

    True and well said.
  • Setof2Keys
    Setof2Keys Posts: 681 Member
    Invite her for short walks and encourage her to tell you when she's ready to walk longer, encourage her but allow her to lead the rest of the way. It's like trying to work out at over 200 pounds next to your totally hot 120 pound friend...you feel stupid and you feel like you have so far to go, but she may just need to see that it gets easier and offer to cook occassionally and make something that is healthy and tastes great to expose her, then after that it is up to her.
  • MellyMartinson
    MellyMartinson Posts: 43 Member
    Offer to cook healthy meals, go grocery shopping with her to make healthy choices. Invite her to do activities like going for a walk, swimming, go window shopping anything to get her out of the house and moving.
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