How many of you have dismissive family members?
kkester63
Posts: 28
You know the ones I'm talking about. You've dieted, exercised, sworn to do it all before. Why should we believe this time will be any different. We aren't really going to listen to your babble about how excited you are and this time you are going to succeed blah blah blah.
This time it's my parents ... I'm 48 so they've seen my try and ultimately put it all back on over and over since 5th grade. So I join a gym, pay for 2 years as a sign of commitment and a promise to myself. Hire a trainer so I get off on the right start ... being 410lbs presents a few extra challenges using gym equipment properly to build up those long dormant muscles. The old parents give me the why spend money like that, why hire a trainer just go outside and walk the dogs. Cut your calories blah blah blah ....
Fortunately I've got the support of my wife and my niece and nephew who proudly encourage me every day. Applauding each success and smoothing over the rough spots.
What do you do with your non-supportive family and friends? The I'll show them attitude for me feels wrong and good at the same time. But I guess time is the only way for them to see a difference.
This time it's my parents ... I'm 48 so they've seen my try and ultimately put it all back on over and over since 5th grade. So I join a gym, pay for 2 years as a sign of commitment and a promise to myself. Hire a trainer so I get off on the right start ... being 410lbs presents a few extra challenges using gym equipment properly to build up those long dormant muscles. The old parents give me the why spend money like that, why hire a trainer just go outside and walk the dogs. Cut your calories blah blah blah ....
Fortunately I've got the support of my wife and my niece and nephew who proudly encourage me every day. Applauding each success and smoothing over the rough spots.
What do you do with your non-supportive family and friends? The I'll show them attitude for me feels wrong and good at the same time. But I guess time is the only way for them to see a difference.
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Replies
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Parents (and in-laws!) sure love to give advice. My mom is pretty bossy in a well meaning way, and I'm...37!
I deal with it by not confronting! I just smile and stuff like, "we will see how it goes" and gently change the subject.
Another option is to give your parents information on a need-to-know only basis. You gave them a change to be involved in the changes you are making for yourself and they were not only unhelpful, they made you feel bad. They lost the right to be included. So, if you spend money on your new lifestyle, don't tell them. If they ask you about it in a denigrating or judgmental manner a mild, "I was hoping you would be supportive" is always good. And then change the subject. They'll catch on.
Do your thing, talk to the people who DO encourage you, and don't let the negative nellies get you down.0 -
Parents (and in-laws!) sure love to give advice. My mom is pretty bossy in a well meaning way, and I'm...37!
I deal with it by not confronting! I just smile and stuff like, "we will see how it goes" and gently change the subject.
Another option is to give your parents information on a need-to-know only basis. You gave them a change to be involved in the changes you are making for yourself and they were not only unhelpful, they made you feel bad. They lost the right to be included. So, if you spend money on your new lifestyle, don't tell them. If they ask you about it in a denigrating or judgmental manner a mild, "I was hoping you would be supportive" is always good. And then change the subject. They'll catch on.
Do your thing, talk to the people who DO encourage you, and don't let the negative nellies get you down.
This!! Great advice!
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Parents (and in-laws!) sure love to give advice. My mom is pretty bossy in a well meaning way, and I'm...37!
I deal with it by not confronting! I just smile and stuff like, "we will see how it goes" and gently change the subject.
Another option is to give your parents information on a need-to-know only basis. You gave them a change to be involved in the changes you are making for yourself and they were not only unhelpful, they made you feel bad. They lost the right to be included. So, if you spend money on your new lifestyle, don't tell them. If they ask you about it in a denigrating or judgmental manner a mild, "I was hoping you would be supportive" is always good. And then change the subject. They'll catch on.
Do your thing, talk to the people who DO encourage you, and don't let the negative nellies get you down.
Excellent advice. If your spouse is supportive then it's nobody else's business what you're spending on a healthier more fit lifestyle and at 48 it's certainly non of your parents business what you spend your money on.
Keep up the good work and listen to the supportive peeps in your life!0 -
Parents (and in-laws!) sure love to give advice. My mom is pretty bossy in a well meaning way, and I'm...37!
I deal with it by not confronting! I just smile and stuff like, "we will see how it goes" and gently change the subject.
Another option is to give your parents information on a need-to-know only basis. You gave them a chance to be involved in the changes you are making for yourself and they were not only unhelpful, they made you feel bad. They lost the right to be included. So, if you spend money on your new lifestyle, don't tell them. If they ask you about it in a denigrating or judgmental manner a mild, "I was hoping you would be supportive" is always good. And then change the subject. They'll catch on.
Do your thing, talk to the people who DO encourage you, and don't let the negative nellies get you down.
I agree with EVERY word of this - good advice for deff xxx0 -
Let the Haters be your Motivators!!
Go about your biz and get things done.... as the pounds come off, they will be forced to eat their own words and accept that you are quite capable of making changes for the better in your life.
Good Luck on your Journey to a new lifestyle.... it's Fantastic that you've got your Wife and other Family members to support you. Surround yourself with Positive Thoughts, Motivators and People and you will see the results your working toward be realized!!0 -
Just keep working on you, don't tell anyone what you are doing if they cannot be supportive. I had someone not to long ago put me down like if I was incapable of losing weight. I have lost over 30 pounds so far and I am going to keep going for ME.0
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Agree with everyone!! Keep up the good work!!! :happy:0
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your gonna rock this! and be a winner :)you have your wife and you have us to cheer you on 0
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After my weekly weigh-in 2 weeks ago, my mom asked me how much I had lost... I replied .8lbs. she says... oh... that's not very much huh... GRRRRRRR0
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i have a grandma whose upset because she cant cook for us anymore. i have a dad and sister stuffing their faces more than ever(though the sister doesnt live with us anymore). and a mom who is"dieting" with me. i say dieting because shes set herself up for failure. she does cheat days and doent always stay accountable. and she starves herself the rest of the time. shes losing weight but isnt doing anything different than she has in the past. shes not changing how she lives. and its so frustrating because i cant do it for her. and if i say anything she gets mad. yet she says, "im doing it with you". no your NOT. its so frustrating living in this house. i wish i had the means to move out. maybe in a years time...*sigh0
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My mother was never happy with my weight, even though I was never overweight, so when she asked me what I weighed the last time I answered....with laughter....."I weigh more than I did when I went in to deliver twins. And as far as I'm concerned, I like myself, my husband likes me....NO ONE ELSE MATTERS!" She never mentioned my weight again!! When it comes down to it, it's nobody's business!!!0
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I'm incredibly thankful that my whole family has been nothing but supportive. They're always telling me what a good job i'm doing and how much better i'm looking and they ask me for advice on how they can lose weight.
I'm sorry your parents are so negative, but it's great that you have other people who are supportive. Don't let the negative people get you down, keep your head up and know that you can and will succeed!!0 -
I'm not telling anyone because they would laugh at me.
Or make comments about me eating things...
That's why I like having friends on here to keep me motivated!
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I have to deal with my mother...who is part of the reason I have weight issues to begin with. She is obese and has so many health issues related to that, but yet she is not encouraging. If i mention that I am enjoying my walks, my bike riding and seeing results...she says "oh I lost 3 lbs too!" which happens when she starves herself for a day or two. Then she will binge on crappy food...which i avoid at all costs now...and complain...and then ask me to take her for fast food after her doctor appointments. She'll make comments that make me feel like crap - like pointing out that my arms are flabby or that my shirt is too tight...stuff like that. Its annoying - but she just doesn't understand that it is a real lifestyle change and that its a work in progress for me. I just have learned (and trying to remember constantly) that i cannot control or change what anyone else does - just myself...and I want to be healthy and strong.
Its a battle but can be won!! 0 -
Its my Father for me. He rolls his eyes at every purchase I make on this weight loss journey, from the big ticket items (a new treadmill) all the way down to the healthier but pricier food I buy at the grocery store! I buy a vitamin supplement or a workout DVD and I get "You are really taking this too far". Um, really? I was 285 pounds when I started out (Im only 5'7") and was diagnosed with high blood pressure and put on meds for it when I was only 23!!! (Im 28 now) I have had to have back surgery, my right knee hurts and I cant play for 5 min with my daughter without getting winded. So how is changing my entire life style around so that I will actually be here to see my grandkids be born someday "going to far"?! It is discouraging, but it actually gives me that extra little push. I will not let him be right about this! lol He can eat all the McDonalds he wants to in front of me ( and I swear he does this on purpose! lol) all he wants. I will smile, eat my turkey breast and salad and then knock out 400 cals on the treadmill!!!0
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The dismissive loved ones are hard. You know they are really on your side but they honestly don't believe you are going to make it or... for some reason they don't even admit to themselves... they don't want you to make it. That hurts but you can't let it deter you. My advice would be to stop discussing it with those people. Let the ones who are your fans tell them how well you are doing.
The haters can be your biggest motivators.(like wjranch says) You don't want them to win under any circumstances. My ex-boss was one of those. She would buy me candy bars and every fattening goodie you can think of. After the first shock of realizing she was so determined to see me lose confidence...not pounds...wore off, my spine stiffened big time. I would either leave them lay or offer them to a patron I knew she hated. I'm bad but I also enjoyed knowing every pound I lost she felt like a stab to her gut....I don't mind being bad.:smokin:0 -
Lose the weight for yourself and thank God you have a Mother. I wish I did.0
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I can't figure out how to delete this, meant to reply to a single post:P0
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This is for you AND ONLY YOU! Do not listen to any negative or less than supportive people. Just do the best you can do every day...the results will prove them all wrong :-)0
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After my weekly weigh-in 2 weeks ago, my mom asked me how much I had lost... I replied .8lbs. she says... oh... that's not very much huh... GRRRRRRR
That's just like my mom, only on every aspect of my life! Just keep on going and show her that you can make it!0 -
I also have finally figured out this little tidbit........ They (the haters) will sabotage your efforts, undermine your confidence and derail your drive because..... They FEAR your SUCCESS!! Yes... that's the truth. If YOU can succeed at something so drastically difficult...what then happens to THEIR own excuses that stop them from making changes???
I look at these people now, and I actually feel alittle sad for them. They are their own worst enemies.... but, they dont have to become yours too!0 -
Only one thing you need to do and that is "Lead by Example" everything else does not matter.... You have the most important person standing my your side (Your Wife) as do I beyond that I just get up everyday and do everything that I can do to be successful for that particular day and then I get up and do it again tomorrow....... Good Luck to you........0
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I don't have any in-laws, but my hubby is awesome and so are my parents....even if they were not supportive, I would just keep going and not even mention it. Beside, I have all my friends on here that get it :-)0
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I use them as incentive to prove them wrong.0
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My dad made fun of me for getting a gym membership when my husband has a bowflex right here at home.
I ignored him. I know it's easier said than done, but I've always had a rocky relationship with my parents so it makes it easier for me to dismiss what they have to say. I'm a mean daughter, but sometimes not caring about what anyone says is the best thing I can do for myself.
Just keep doing what you know is right for your body and eventually they will catch on that you are serious and successful. Even if they don't, you know what is best for yourself. You're an adult and you don't need anyone's permission to get a trainer or a gym membership. Who cares how you exercise? Just the fact that you are doing it is good enough.
I eventually cancelled my gym membership and now I do DVDs at home. I still don't use the bowflex. My tastes for exercise change with the direction of the wind, but hey, I'm working out and that's all that matters. It does not matter at all how much money I spend on it or what kind of crap I clutter up my house with as long as I am not going into debt or hoarding. I love doing yoga one day, weight lifting the next, and then doing a cardio routine another day. No one is allowed to tell me what I can or cannot do... well, they can tell me anything, but I don't have to listen.0 -
I can't say I've experienced it but I know my female cousin has both with weight loss and smoking. She's not heavy but it's not going to hurt her to lose 30 or so pounds if and when she does. She's been on a million diets, even tried a weight loss clinic, but she always puts the weight back on because she stresses out from work or her kid or bills and goes out and drinks and eats. Same with her smoking, she's tried quitting and the longest she lasted was through her pregnancy and of course she's scared of the weight gain when she quits.
My family's close, but a lot of that 'closeness' is gossip or talking about people behind each other's backs. And while I don't hold a grand lot of respect for my cousin for certain things she does continuously, I did get her one of those electronic cigarettes for Christmas to help her quit and when I've lost more I'm going to help her with her weight loss too. Most of the family believes she's all talk or she gives up too easily, but those are the family members that don't know what it's like to have depression or anything that's not a physical ailment. Being bipolar and knowing the mood problems I see where she's coming from and so I try and do my part.
If people aren't going to have your back, be reliable for anything, or are simply going to roll their eyes at you, you don't need them. Family or not, you don't need them. Personally I'd rather have no family than one that doesn't believe in me or actually wants me to succeed. I kicked my best friend of 9 years to the curb for that behavior, I'll kick family members out the same way too.0 -
Its really hard when people not encouraging.
I think some people mean well but just say the wrong thing.
Others might be feeling inadequate and compare themselves negatively to you so then think two wrongs make a right and say mean things. V important to have some support either here or somewhere esp as u try to get into a rhythm. Once you know u can do it you have the most important person on board!0 -
Just don't discuss it with them at all. You are doing it for you, not them. Steer onto other topics - they are only going to wind you up. I know a few people like that and I don't discuss at all, just talk about anything but.0
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This is gonna sound harsh but it's meant to be encouraging.... I don't blame my family members for feeling that way. I have yo-yo dieted for years, since I was a teenager, lose, gain, lose gain... my parents spent so much money on this diet, that program, etc. and now my husband has allowed me to continue on that path as well.
This past October I realized that there is no magic cure for being fat. Eating salad for 2 weeks and then binging will not help me lose 100 pounds. So I too joined a gym, got a personal trainer, and started tracking what I eat. And not just calories. Fats, carbs, sugars, fibers, and protein.
October 25, 2011 was day 1. I weighed 245 pounds and 5 minutes on the elliptical left me feeling like I was going to DIE. Everyone thought I would give up as I have in the past. My parents called every so often to casually ask if I was still going, or if I had lost any weight. My husband wisely kept his mouth shut...lol!
Today is February 26--4 months later, I weigh 224 pounds. I just got back from going to the gym for cardio. I did 6.5 miles on the elliptical in 45:33 and burned over 700 calories. I did not stop once, and I don't feel like I'm going to die. In fact, I feel amazing after I leave the gym. I feel empowered and strong.
Some people will tell you that 20 pounds in 4 months isn't that much, or will continue to be dismissive---but you can slowly prove them wrong. You can't really dwell on their actions. Focus on your own.
Best wishes on your journey of developing a healthy lifestyle!!!0 -
I guess I have a different take on the "support" topic. Nobody else stuffed the food into my mouth that allowed me to gain the weight, so I don't expect their support in my efforts to undo the damage. It's not their job. It's nice if they offer it, but it's not something they owe me and I'm not going to be disappointed if I don't get it. I have friends who are going on a diet every other week and "this time it's going to be different." Say it often enough and people have reason to believe your words are empty.
Consequently, I keep my weight loss efforts pretty quiet. I'm not doing it for the kudos or for anybody else's benefit. My support system is my "fat jeans" that I get to laugh at, the number on that scale and my overall health. Anything else is fluff.0
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