Najay Posts: 273 Member

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god -- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines... I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.
Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
I hate that *kitten* Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!


  • muddyventures
    muddyventures Posts: 360 Member
    Made me laugh, and its pretty true! Except I wasn't a highschool cheerleader, I was a lifeguard. LOL
  • yolste07
    yolste07 Posts: 327 Member
    Oh my oh my that was too funny, I can not laugh out loud because I am work and trying to contain myself I have tears in my eyes from laughing. Glad you made it through
  • MB_Positif
    MB_Positif Posts: 8,897 Member
    Haha! Very funny one girl!
  • AlwaysWanderer
    AlwaysWanderer Posts: 641 Member
    Just embarassed myself loughing out loud in my office! hillarious!
  • kryptonitekelly
    kryptonitekelly Posts: 335 Member
    hahahahaha :D:D:D
  • lripson28
    lripson28 Posts: 213 Member
    I just burst out laughing at my desk at work. This is so funny! Love this!!
  • sweetie89207
    HAHAHA love it!
  • martymum
    martymum Posts: 413 Member
    just choked on my fruit and yoghurt...my dog is giving me disaproving scowls for disturbing his sleep with my howling aloud,

    vary funny and thanks for making my friday

  • angella_zumba
  • greasygriddle_wechnage
    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

    aaaaahahahahah love it! :laugh:
  • ErinBeth7
    ErinBeth7 Posts: 1,625 Member
    "don't hand me anything that weighs more than a sandwich." LOL best line. This totally made me feel better. I was so down today!
  • ladycypress
    ladycypress Posts: 19 Member
    hahaha! That was awesome! Thanks for sharing
  • Nikkerz620
    Nikkerz620 Posts: 212 Member
    Awesome!! Funny!! :)
  • Blessedmommy_2x
    Blessedmommy_2x Posts: 419 Member
    LOL!!! That was hilarious! :laugh:
  • bignuce
    bignuce Posts: 52 Member
  • Articeluvsmemphis
    Articeluvsmemphis Posts: 1,987 Member
    I think, neigh, I almost peed on myself right at Wednesday, lol
  • lniffa
    lniffa Posts: 718 Member
    LMAO, that was really funny. I bust out laughing at work!!!
  • TheCats_Meow
    TheCats_Meow Posts: 438 Member
    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    OMG, I can't stop reading this over & over again & having my coworkers looking at me wondering why I'm silently laughing like a lunatic!!!

  • jwrjewel
    jwrjewel Posts: 4 Member
    OMG, too funny!
  • dawlschic007
    dawlschic007 Posts: 636 Member
    I've seen that one before but it is just as funny the second time around. :)