My Relationship is falling apart...

Alex_is_Hawks · March 2012

Well it's been coming for a while....about a year and a half. I do love the man, but not enough to stay anymore and he's no longer healthy to be around for myself nor my daughter.

Does this happen often? When a person starts making changes for the better in their life and the other partner does not and all of the sudden you are on opposite ends of the tug of war rope with no idea of how you got there?

I've made choices to change my life, to be stronger, to be fitter, to be smarter, to advance my career to advance my retirement, to ensure i put a roof over my daughters head and to ensure that I provide for her future to my full capacities. Her father was my first failed relationship, again for all the same reasons, i choose to concentrate on my career at that point and he chose to lay about the house doing nothing. So it was over for us. My daughter and i went our merry way and things were good. then I met my current partner, we moved into a relationship slowly for the kids sake, however he made many promises and many statements about the kind of man he "was" but in the past 5 years, all i have learned is that the kind of man HE thinks he is, is not the man he actually is, it's worse, he's a lot like my ex.

I thought I had moved past picking men like that.

So here i am, my career pretty solid and successful, carrying my daughter, him, and his two sons while he limps along beside me, barely matching or keeping up. if he were a Mr. Mom I would not mind that I'm the breadwinner, but unfortunately, he's not, i am the housekeeper, chauffeur, nurse, caretaker, for the house, the three dogs and the three kids.

If he was taking a sabbatical to improve his life and his health, then again, i would not mind taking the mantle of the responsibility, but he's not doing that either. So here i am, improving my health, improving my career, raising the kids, paying the bills, making sure the house doesn't burn down and feeling VERY BURNT OUT.

To add misery to the whole situation he's started emotionally attacking my daughter, making her feel very unwelcome in her own house, and at Christmas because he had no money, I made sure the kids had a fantastic Christmas, and I made sure they all got him something nice and I myself got him something nice and I got nothing. and I was ok with that and I was fine with that, but then after the boys left to go to their mom's for Christmas dinner, my daughter and I had the pleasure of witnessing this man lose his **** (sorry for the language) saying it was the worst christmas ever and not one person cares about him and what he's going through and it was horrible and how dare I say that I love him and that he was going to hang himself.

that night I almost wished he did. (hang himself i mean)

My daughter was terrified, he was throwing things and screaming. I decided then I was going to leave, but i gave myself to June to do it, for many reasons. My daughter's school is in this area and I will either leave this area or move to another province I think. Either way, she starts middle school next year, so its a whole new scenario for her. Fresh start.

I also had surgery on the books, which was just completed February 28th so I had to get that done and over with before i left, i couldn't risk leaving and in the middle of it getting the call with a surgery date. But now that this hurdle is done, it's time to start working on leaving.

He's my best friend in a lot of ways, and I still like him a lot, I just can not live with him and be a part of his life. I just can't. But in saying this, i have to find a way to leave that lets him (and I) seperate with the most dignity, compassion and pride as possible, because he deserves that, at the very least from me and my feelings. I know he will be angry, i know he will be very upset and I know he will probably not like my very much. But i do like him, and I did love him SO MUCH at one point and that will always be there.

so all in all, i have a busy few months in front of me, my family is on board, they all agree and support me, now it's just finding the time, and arranging all the incidentals, (new place, moving, packing, who gets what, who takes what, and letting him down gently.)

i'm very sad about this yet very relieved....

but i could also be going completely crazy too...

L

mrsNoSo · March 2012

Yes, that is very common. A friend of mine just recently lost 100 pounds and now her twenty year marriage is coming to an end. Her husband is constantly afraid that she is going to find someone else. It's sad but she, like you, had to do what is best for her mental health. It's really sad that he seems to be going through such an emotional roller coaster. A lot of men have a hard time with women who are the bread winners...supposedly it makes them feel like less of a man. Sounds like that may be what is going on there or maybe not. I don't know enough to say so, but it is best for you and your daughter to get out before things get worse. I wish you all the luck in your move and commend you for having the courage to do so. Best of luck to you and your daughter.

three36love · March 2012

You're doing the right thing, for you and especially for your daughter. I'm recently divorced for very similar issues.. It's hard at first but believe me, in the end it's worth it for your own sanity and happiness.

*Hugs*

Feel free to message me if you need to talk/vent

AirCircleI · March 2012

The most important thing is that you do what is right for you and your daughter. You seem to have made up your mind, so you should go with your gut, even if it is hard - it will be worth it later and you will come out stronger for it. And good on you for getting your health and career in shape - sometimes men are threatened when women show strength and you don't need to deal with that rubbish.

Good luck
xx

Alex_is_Hawks · March 2012

Thanks Everyone. We do have to get out. My daughter, sadly enough because she once loved this man and thought of him like a god during her younger years, is now counting the days till we leave.

I think at this point she will miss the dogs more than him. That makes me sad, but i need her to grow up healthy and strong because that's MY promise to her and my responsibility to her.

I think he has a hint of where things are going. mostly because he's started being very divisive about my family. Meaning he tries to attack my relationships with them, so that I will feel alone and trust him more.

For example, my mother came out while I was in the hospital for the surgery last week, she and i had many incidents alone driving to and fro and in the hospital (he didn't visit me once) to talk about things, about leaving, about my partner, about my daughter. She was very honest and while most of it was supportive she was also honest enough to say any concerns or comments she had about the job i was doing. I saw it as constructive critiscism which it was.

I come home and she packs up to leave and my partner is "Your mom is the best thing ever, she was SO awesome and so helpful and just rocked it." Not even two hours later he says, "Your mom thinks you are doing a horrible job with your daughter, and she was very judgemental of some of the things you let her do/wear/listen to for music." Excuse me what????

so i texted my mom and asked her about those things, she and i talked it out and basically what had happened was HE had gotten judgemental about it and my mom had essentially nodded her head along with his rant so as to not create a confrontation. She nodded her head. HE said those things....but that's the nature of the beast.

He's also telling me that my father being in Cabo during my surgery (which he booked months ago, before I got a last minute surgery date) is a sign of how much he really cares for me.

What??!!?!?

My father emails me every day checking in, i'm actually glad that someone is enjoying beautiful sunshine and beaches while i'm housebound healing.

Jeez....its going to be a long three months....if I don't leave before June.

My Relationship is falling apart...

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