My Unsupportive Husband

Aphrodite3010
Aphrodite3010 Posts: 65 Member
edited November 12 in Health and Weight Loss
I originally had a husband who was supportive and ready to get healthy, but we both had a set back and now he keeps putting off getting back on track. At this point it's getting ridiculous at how unsupportive he is, he's sabotaging me. He knows I have little willpower and will intentionally bring home food that I love and act like it's completely innocent and nice. He eats junk food all the time in front of me and snacks late at night and then talks about how he's doing so good at staying within his calories! It's so frustrating. He makes fun of me when I measure my food and just doesnt understand why I'm doing this. We're both overweight and are both in danger of becoming diabetic (he's already tested positive for prediabetes) if we don't get this under control. Ive lost 15 lbs and he's gained, and he's made comments on how he's only going to help me stay where I am and not help me lose weight. It's really upsetting to me, I dont know if its a deeper psychological issue to him but I feel he doesnt want me to be happy....

Does anyone have any suggestions to get him to be more supportive or ignore his comments and actions?
«1

Replies

  • SERinDC
    SERinDC Posts: 93 Member
    Hmmm....it sounds like there's a deeper issue at play. Maybe he's insecure of what will happen if you lose weight while he doesn't want to stick with the program and do it too? Not sure, but try to have an open honest conversation about why this is really important to you and why his support is so vital. You are trying to take control of your health and wellbeing and let him know you want it to be a team effort, but if he won't participate, you'll have to forge on this path regardless.

    If he continues with the bad snacks and temptation, make a point to not give in. Perhaps you can lead by example and if you don't give in and start getting awesome results, hopefully he will come around and join the bandwagon. Maybe suggest doing walks or different things together and finding healthy snacks you both enjoy.

    This sounds like a really tough situation...hopefully others can weigh in from experience since I have not had to deal with this issue specifically...
  • Nucky719
    Nucky719 Posts: 143
    I'm dealing with sorta the thing. When I talk about losing weight and getting fit my bf tells me I don't need to lose weight, he loves me the way I am, etc. He doesn't understand I'm not doing this for him, I'm doing it for me! This weekend he bought me a box of girl scout cookies (I can't resist Samoa's!). He has high blood pressure and is overweight so he tries to lose weight but doesn't have much success so sometimes I feel like he's sabotaging me as well. Funny thing is he introduced me to the mfp app and now I've got a bunch of friends to support me!
  • brittyc1988
    brittyc1988 Posts: 35
    I am so so sorry! I know it must be hard. I can slightly feel your pain. My family isn't really that supportive of me either and they understand when I want to eat a healthier alternative to what theyre eating and my parents will often times send me to buy the worst foods ever.
    But when I feel against the wall during those times I just remember that theyre in nothing that tastes, feels or looks better than being a healthier individual and if anyone isn't on the same boat with me then that is unfortunate! I couldnt imagine having an unsupportive significant other but he either must be feeling very insecure about his weight and doesn't want to be unhealthy alone or just doesn't care.
    I say you sit him down and have a talk with him and try and see why it is why he doesn't want to join you in your efforts of being healthier and in the long run living a longer more enjoyable life together.

    Either way try and do whats best for you and maybe be an example to him and hopefully he'll see that youre doing the right thing and might want to participate eventually?

    Anyway, I hope the best for you <3
  • daryll77
    daryll77 Posts: 29
    My husband can eat anything and never puts on weight....so annoying!

    So after several of my "attempts" to lose weight he was understandably sceptical when I told him that this year was going to be the year. There was a lot of negativity and disbelief that this time was different.

    Well after 8 weeks and 6.7kgs down (15 pounds) he is definately on board! He loves the new me and has become my biggest supporter and when I cross the finish line of my first (beginners) triathlon next weekend I know he will be cheering me on!

    Keep at it...maybe seeing you being successful and determined will encourage him to do the same?
  • running_mom
    running_mom Posts: 204 Member
    My soon to be ex would always tell me how fat I was. I finally decided to lose weight and he wouldn't help in any way, shape or form! He wouldn't watch the kids so I could run. He wouldn't come to the gym with me. He would tell me it's only one meal when I wanted to make something healthy for dinner. But I guess that's why he left me!

    But seriously, you should talk to him and let him know how much it hurts you. There maybe something deeper at hand. You can't be fully healthy and happy if he is bringing you down.

    Good luck. I know what you are going through
  • T2trinco
    T2trinco Posts: 33 Member
    I totally get you. He incredulously commented the other night how i "wouldn't even have ONE chip!" While we were on our way to a giant homecooked meal. Apparently he couldn't wait a half hour. I don't think he gets what a "trigger" is... and his eating/snacking after 9 doesn't help me either. Any suggestions? I like to cook healthy meals and he definitely likes to eat them but i'm stuck paying for all the healthy ingredients. If i left it up to him it would constantly be pizza, chinese, and energy drinks all the time. So going a little broke in the process as well. :-/
  • nisemac
    nisemac Posts: 25 Member
    some of the hardest decisions we make are the ones that involve doing something for ourselves. this past year, i took advantage of a opportunity that I have been hoping for, for almost 20 years. almost all of the people who claimed to care and love me, were no longer in my court--because there was nothing that they gained in my decision. there was heartache, and fear, and sadness, but, for the first time in my life, i did what was best for me. what an unbelievable feeling to realize and accept your own value and importance!

    you have to take care of you. you have to do and be the best for you, before you can even be for someone else. even in a relationship, each individual is ultimately responsible for themselves. you and only you are responsible for your own actions--health and happiness included.

    keep communicating. let him know you want him by your side thru this journey. the do your thing and let him make his decision.

    i know how hard this is....i'll be cheering for you! \o/ \o/ \o/
  • mfreeby
    mfreeby Posts: 199 Member
    I think that regardless of who is doing it, there were always be unsupportive people, or diet/workout buddies that stop and then want you to fail as well. Bottom line is, you need to do this for you! Once it stops mattering what everyone else says or does or EATS, then you will really be able to lose the weight and maintain it. The only person you have total control over is you. Let him have his "snacks" and let him say what he wants to say! This isn't about HIM!!! IT'S ABOUT YOU!!! You are doing this to feel and look better, physically and emotionally. Focus on THAT!!! Good luck!
  • jbakerak
    jbakerak Posts: 73 Member
    My husband was kind of like that a few years back when I decided to lose weight (the first time lol). He would buy foods I loved or want to take us out to eat at places I loved to eat. He says it was unintentional and out of love because he knew I loved that stuff. Not too sure, but not sure he did it on purpose. I persevered though, and after I lost the weight it motivated him to want to get in shape more himself. Due to high stress in our lives I ended up putting back on some of the weight (and was only 2 lbs away from my goal weight, ugh!), and as I did, so did he. He lost his motivation. So here I am again, and he tempts me with food all the time, but I can't let it bother me. If he doesn't want to eat healthy with me I can't make him, and it's not fair for me to try and force it on him if he's not wanting that at this moment. Your husband might be insecure about you losing the weight without him. He might feel like it's too difficult to give up foods, or it could be anything. I know a guy that couldn't really lose weight because he couldn't really stick to any diets so I researched some diets for him. He tried a few and ended up doing the Atkins diet. He was able to eat most of the foods he enjoyed, his hunger was satisfied and just like the diet said, after a couple of weeks his cravings for sweets was gone. You could try finding a diet that works for both of you, or get healthy together doing different things while being together. Don't give up, it sounds like you are on the right track!
  • Sidesteal
    Sidesteal Posts: 5,510 Member
    Does anyone have any suggestions to get him to be more supportive or ignore his comments and actions?

    Do you think your husband understands that being fat is not healthy, and that going from obese to "normal" will likely improve your health markers in several areas?

    If he DOES understand this, I would ask him why he doesn't want to support your efforts to improve your health.
  • mjbrenner
    mjbrenner Posts: 222 Member
    There is neither shame nor harm in counselling, either individually or as a couple. Maybe couples counselling would be helpful for you and your husband? Going to counseling does not mean that you have a bad marriage or anything of the sort, so please do not think I am calling your marriage bad or your husband a lousy guy. Counseling, individually if need be but especially as a couple, can help you understand each other better and make a strong marriage even stronger and more enjoyable.
  • Aphrodite3010
    Aphrodite3010 Posts: 65 Member
    Sometimes I just repeat in my head what my family doctor said to me "Its going to be hard, its like a recovering alcoholic living with an alcoholic" and I just say to myself, he's a drunk! I know its not funny but sometimes I just try and make light of the situation to not get too upset, I just asked him to bring me home a diet 7 up (I have an upset stomach - morning sickness) and he questions if I actually want diet....I want to tell him, "I didn't stutter, I said diet". Thanks for all the support and yes he does know about diet and exercise and health, he's making a conscious decision to be overweight. I just hope he makes the decision soon to be healthy.

    Ive tried talking to him about how I fear that he won't be here with me to raise our children and he listens but I dont know if he hears me.

    I'll just stay focused on what I want out of this and hope it gets easier and better!
  • rocsings
    rocsings Posts: 13
    Being married isn't easy. It seems as though you both made a decision to get healthy as a couple at one point, however, that plan has changed. With that said, you really should consider working on you. We cannot lose ourselves in our marriages. Your husband may very well have his own issues and insecurities about himself and you losing weight. Do yourself a favor, don't allow how your husband feels, or what your husband brings home to be a reason for why you can't or will not continue your weight loss journey. If he brings something you really like take a bite and move on. This is about you! My husband always says every tub has it's own bottom. Your husband will do what he wants, how he wants and you have to do what's best for you, your health, your body image, your mental and spiritual state of mind. Continue to let your husband know how it makes you feel when he does things to distract you from your plan. Tell him with compassion and love ... in order for him to take you serious, you have to pull back from old habits. Women are communicators, men just say "show me" ... so SHOW HIM ... once he eats the unhealthy goodies, throw the rest away. If you have to make a full plate, eat one bit and throw it away, do whatever it takes for you to resolve your weaknesses. You have the tools to get through this rough time in your marriage and continue with your weight loss journey. I will say a little prayer for you, your husband and your marriage. My husband and I personally keep God first in our lives ... I wish you well!!
  • Aphrodite3010
    Aphrodite3010 Posts: 65 Member
    There is neither shame nor harm in counselling, either individually or as a couple. Maybe couples counselling would be helpful for you and your husband? Going to counseling does not mean that you have a bad marriage or anything of the sort, so please do not think I am calling your marriage bad or your husband a lousy guy. Counseling, individually if need be but especially as a couple, can help you understand each other better and make a strong marriage even stronger and more enjoyable.

    We're in therapy twice a month, knowing how anti-numbers our counselor is, he ratted me out to our therapist saying I was measuring food and counting all my calories, it took all I had not to lose it on him right then and there...

    I fully plan on confronting this issue in counseling on Tuesday so hopefully having a mediator there will help him understand my concern for me, us and our family.
  • mjbrenner
    mjbrenner Posts: 222 Member
    We're in therapy twice a month, knowing how anti-numbers our counselor is, he ratted me out to our therapist saying I was measuring food and counting all my calories, it took all I had not to lose it on him right then and there...

    I fully plan on confronting this issue in counseling on Tuesday so hopefully having a mediator there will help him understand my concern for me, us and our family.

    Best of luck to you both, then. I know the path ahead is not easy, but your attitude shows that you are marching on the right path.
  • dovesgate
    dovesgate Posts: 894 Member
    how anti-numbers our counselor is, he ratted me out to our therapist saying I was measuring food and counting all my calories

    Huh?

    Your counselor is anti-numbers and forces that on his patients? That doesn't sound right... Are you in recovery from an ED or something in your past? I would think that would be the only reason why your counselor would be "anti-numbers" and if you have not had an ED, then I'd see about switching to a counselor who doesn't seem to need therapy of his own.

    Your husband may have an idea in his head that this new lifestyle isn't all it's cracked up to be. He may simply missing his high calorie, high fat foods. Is there any way you can find out what it is that he is having such a hard time with? If it is missing out on the junk food, there are healthy versions of nearly everything that you two could try together. He wants cake? Try out the diet soda cake. He wants cookies? That's utterly doable too. Chips? You could make your own and get creative with seasonings - I know Pampered Chef has a really cool microwave chip maker thingy that is awesome for homemade chips.

    It is hard when your partner isn't being your partner in something so important. I hope the two of you work this out soon.
  • Aphrodite3010
    Aphrodite3010 Posts: 65 Member
    She believes as a society when it comes to weight we're too obsessed with numbers, how much we weigh, how many calories, the size of our clothes, etc etc....which I partially agree but if I dont know how many calories I'm eating or know how much I weigh I dont really have a clue in how to control my weight and my eating habits. I told her its not an obsession but more of a learning tool, things that I would love to eat were shocking to find out had more than my daily allotment of calories in it, so more than anything if I decided I was going to eat that I was knowingly making a decison that that particular day was shot to hell.....I ignore that part of her therapy to be quite honest. Ive talked with both my family Dr and my OB (I'm pregnant right now) and both agree that as long as Im eating healthy foods and getting enough that knowing how many calories I have or how much I weigh is not an issue. My OB specifically said she has no concerns with me developing a disorder and as a previous sufferer she knows the signs and is not concerned. She fully supports me during this transition as a pregnant woman and as a woman who wants to eat better for herself and her baby. Knowing I have support from my OB is really important bc most of the time women are told that when they are pregnant that it is not the time to diet at all, but for me its truly not a diet but a lifestyle change.

    I hope he gets on board again, since I do most of the shopping and cooking I try and only buy healthy things, he purchases his junk food on his own and I dont want to completely deprive him of that but I want him to know what he's choosing to do.
  • dlwyatt82
    dlwyatt82 Posts: 1,077 Member
    Who cares what your therapist "believes" about society? That has absolutely nothing to do with what you're paying this person to do for your family, and if she's pushing that on your during your sessions, fire the twit.
  • susanrush
    susanrush Posts: 18
    Oh darlin, that's so tough. I agree that it sounds like he doesn't want you to progress, maybe because he's worried you'll realize how beautiful you are and want to leave him. I got into several fights with my ex because he would say things when I was dieting like "you're going to lose weight, see how hot you are and want to be with someone better." That hurt even more than his perceived sabotage because it meant I was superficial.

    When you set yourself out to lose weight or achieve other health related goals, you have to do this for yourself and come to terms with the fact that you might not get any support. And that's okay. It's a very personal thing you are doing and although help from your husband would be awesome, you can't be resentful of him if he's not helping you or if he's just not ready to take that step. Hang in there and realize you have an awesome support group here if you feel the need to binge or late night snack! Best of luck!
  • seebeachrun
    seebeachrun Posts: 221 Member
    Oh darlin, that's so tough. I agree that it sounds like he doesn't want you to progress, maybe because he's worried you'll realize how beautiful you are and want to leave him. I got into several fights with my ex because he would say things when I was dieting like "you're going to lose weight, see how hot you are and want to be with someone better." That hurt even more than his perceived sabotage because it meant I was superficial.

    When you set yourself out to lose weight or achieve other health related goals, you have to do this for yourself and come to terms with the fact that you might not get any support. And that's okay. It's a very personal thing you are doing and although help from your husband would be awesome, you can't be resentful of him if he's not helping you or if he's just not ready to take that step. Hang in there and realize you have an awesome support group here if you feel the need to binge or late night snack! Best of luck!

    BINGO!
  • freeasharold
    freeasharold Posts: 133 Member
    Your counselor should not be sharing their personal opinions and values with you. That is so absurd and unprofessional. They are supposed to be there for you to support and mediate. Get a new therapist ASAP.
  • Lesa_Sass
    Lesa_Sass Posts: 2,213 Member
    This one is easy

    Insecure husband does not want wife to lose weight and feel like she can do better and leave him. This happens all the time.

    Seriously, trying to be healthy should not be this hard.

    Good luck on your journey and I hope you find the path that is right for you, with, or with out him.
  • scotster
    scotster Posts: 3 Member
    husbands are like that....my husband used to bring takeaway home all the time and it drove me insane.If we went anywhere we would have food out. I just got sick of it.H e was just fed up living with someone who wasnt enjoying the things he liked.To bad...I stopped buying all the crap in the shopping and told him he better start looking after himself or he would end up having illness due to obesity and its not pretty................Now we have takeaway about once a month and he chooses sensible options for meals at home.Niether of us are over weight in a big way,maybee half a stone each.And dont forget he probably thinks youll be atractive to other men when you slim down (not atracted to other men). We play badminton ,golf,run together (at night)..lol.He still eats junk ,but not as much and he stopped offering it to me.Hang in their ..good luck
  • jivehonky
    jivehonky Posts: 5 Member
    I would say you are on the right track. Another memeber said "don't loose yourself in your marriage," and that is very well said. Get more healthy any way you see fit, and don't let anyone stop you. Do this for YOU, and your family will benefit from your example. Detach yourself from your husband's progress on this front. We can't make people do things, it's a waste of energy to try. He will change his ways when he is ready if ever. As his wife, make your feelings known about your concern for his health and behavior, but don't be attached to results from him. Your words are like seeds, they may take root and begin to grow and they may not. The strongest thing you can do is set an example.
  • BeeElMarvin
    BeeElMarvin Posts: 2,086 Member
    Just my opinion, I don't think it's so much - he doesn't want you to succeed - rather, I think he's just not ready to do it himself. He's maybe a little intimidated that you are able to do this and he can't yet.
    # 1 - If he's not ready to lose weight, you can't make him.
    # 2 - If you ARE ready to lose weight, he can't stop you.

    It doesn't matter what he does, it's really up to you to do it for yourself. His time will come when he is ready to do so - or maybe it never will. Many people never get there. He is being unsupportive, but - SO WHAT!?! For you and your health that really doesn't matter; though I understand you want him healthy too - you can't control him.

    As for your counselor who hated numbers so much, maybe you should show them your blood glucose numbers, your cholesterol numbers, your triglycerides numbers - see if she cares about them. If she doesn't then find a new counselor - someone with a little concern for your overall health.
  • tuppance
    tuppance Posts: 132 Member
    Partners sometimes see thing differently from us

    My husband HATES that i am overweight, hates fat people full stop, even famous ones - he can't see their talents for all their fat - this is HIS hangup

    He says I am not the same person when I am fat - that this is why he turns cold and pushes me away metephorically speaking - again His hang-up

    I have lost the weight in the past, he loved it, liked the sexy new wife :0 but actually I think he felt a bit threatened by the attention and by my confidence

    He turned cold again as the years passed and the weight crept on and is 'happy' that I am losing weight again but sceptical that this time is forever. Saying all that he is sabataging my efforts, eating takeawys, excepting invitations to meals out that in the past he'd of turned down. he is snacking in the evening on stuff he has never eaten but knows I like!!

    I think this is his own insecurity as a 50 year old man and that perhaps soon he'll come on-side and help me. BUT if he doesn't then ok - I can do this on my own and so can you - we are worth it
    Manybe in a years time our husbands will think - oh okay if she can do it so can I
  • debs6
    debs6 Posts: 232 Member
    I am really sorry that your husband is showing such disregard for your new directions with food- but from my core I believe that it is ultimately your decision and your choices whether to eat particular foods or not. It appears that he should be on this journey with you - but unfortunately no one can force him to do that so you must steer forward by yourself.

    I think this realisation is what has worked for me . I can't have everyone following the same eating plan as me - whether it be co- workers or family members as ultimately it my decision for me and me alone. I have reached a point where I even keep biscuits and chocolates in the cupboard -but choose not to eat them. They are there for when visitors arrive - and they don't even really tempt me . Occasionally if I have spare calories I will choose to have one biscuit - but my choice is to have one and no more. We have to get to that point we make these decisions for ourselves as we can't avoid all temptations so we need to know how to deal with them.

    As others have said - there appears to be way deeper issues here as you would hope that your husband would want to support rather than deliberately sabotage you.

    Stay strong - you can do it and we are all around as a team to support you
  • xonikitashafferxo
    xonikitashafferxo Posts: 150 Member
    It sounds to me like he does not want you to lose weight. Is he an insecure person? If he is insecure he might be scared for the fact that "you'll look better" and "more attractive to others"
    My husband was the same way for awhile, I ended up asking him if he was worried about something and he was. He was more comfortable with me being fat because my self confidence is low and he thought if my self confidence was high that I would find someone else and leave him. I am not sure why he thought that, maybe because of his past marriage where his wife cheated on him.
    Sometimes when people are unhappy with themselves they do not want others to be happy.
    It's really hard to say though. I hope it all works out for you. If you need any support add me :0)
  • hrbianchi
    hrbianchi Posts: 2
    It sounds as though he is afraid he will loose you, once you succeed! i.e low self esteem! Let him see you need his support more than anyone and give him more attention. If that fails. Tell him your divorcing him because he is a pain!
  • Aphrodite3010
    Aphrodite3010 Posts: 65 Member
    It sounds to me like he does not want you to lose weight. Is he an insecure person? If he is insecure he might be scared for the fact that "you'll look better" and "more attractive to others"
    My husband was the same way for awhile, I ended up asking him if he was worried about something and he was. He was more comfortable with me being fat because my self confidence is low and he thought if my self confidence was high that I would find someone else and leave him. I am not sure why he thought that, maybe because of his past marriage where his wife cheated on him.
    Sometimes when people are unhappy with themselves they do not want others to be happy.
    It's really hard to say though. I hope it all works out for you. If you need any support add me :0)

    I think this may have a lot to do with it, his ex wife cheated on him too but I dont know if my reassurance is enough for him. I'll bring up that in therapy as well. I know he'd like me to be the size I was when we met almost 10 years ago, I felt a lot better about myself back then too but I worry that maybe this is compounding the other issues in our marriage which we are working through.

    I'm just going to have to have a good heart to heart talk with him and let him know where I'm coming from and hope to not only get his support but have him join me in this journey.
This discussion has been closed.

Categories