My Unsupportive Husband

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  • freeasharold
    freeasharold Posts: 133 Member
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    Your counselor should not be sharing their personal opinions and values with you. That is so absurd and unprofessional. They are supposed to be there for you to support and mediate. Get a new therapist ASAP.
  • Lesa_Sass
    Lesa_Sass Posts: 2,213 Member
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    This one is easy

    Insecure husband does not want wife to lose weight and feel like she can do better and leave him. This happens all the time.

    Seriously, trying to be healthy should not be this hard.

    Good luck on your journey and I hope you find the path that is right for you, with, or with out him.
  • scotster
    scotster Posts: 3 Member
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    husbands are like that....my husband used to bring takeaway home all the time and it drove me insane.If we went anywhere we would have food out. I just got sick of it.H e was just fed up living with someone who wasnt enjoying the things he liked.To bad...I stopped buying all the crap in the shopping and told him he better start looking after himself or he would end up having illness due to obesity and its not pretty................Now we have takeaway about once a month and he chooses sensible options for meals at home.Niether of us are over weight in a big way,maybee half a stone each.And dont forget he probably thinks youll be atractive to other men when you slim down (not atracted to other men). We play badminton ,golf,run together (at night)..lol.He still eats junk ,but not as much and he stopped offering it to me.Hang in their ..good luck
  • jivehonky
    jivehonky Posts: 5 Member
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    I would say you are on the right track. Another memeber said "don't loose yourself in your marriage," and that is very well said. Get more healthy any way you see fit, and don't let anyone stop you. Do this for YOU, and your family will benefit from your example. Detach yourself from your husband's progress on this front. We can't make people do things, it's a waste of energy to try. He will change his ways when he is ready if ever. As his wife, make your feelings known about your concern for his health and behavior, but don't be attached to results from him. Your words are like seeds, they may take root and begin to grow and they may not. The strongest thing you can do is set an example.
  • BeeElMarvin
    BeeElMarvin Posts: 2,086 Member
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    Just my opinion, I don't think it's so much - he doesn't want you to succeed - rather, I think he's just not ready to do it himself. He's maybe a little intimidated that you are able to do this and he can't yet.
    # 1 - If he's not ready to lose weight, you can't make him.
    # 2 - If you ARE ready to lose weight, he can't stop you.

    It doesn't matter what he does, it's really up to you to do it for yourself. His time will come when he is ready to do so - or maybe it never will. Many people never get there. He is being unsupportive, but - SO WHAT!?! For you and your health that really doesn't matter; though I understand you want him healthy too - you can't control him.

    As for your counselor who hated numbers so much, maybe you should show them your blood glucose numbers, your cholesterol numbers, your triglycerides numbers - see if she cares about them. If she doesn't then find a new counselor - someone with a little concern for your overall health.
  • tuppance
    tuppance Posts: 132 Member
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    Partners sometimes see thing differently from us

    My husband HATES that i am overweight, hates fat people full stop, even famous ones - he can't see their talents for all their fat - this is HIS hangup

    He says I am not the same person when I am fat - that this is why he turns cold and pushes me away metephorically speaking - again His hang-up

    I have lost the weight in the past, he loved it, liked the sexy new wife :0 but actually I think he felt a bit threatened by the attention and by my confidence

    He turned cold again as the years passed and the weight crept on and is 'happy' that I am losing weight again but sceptical that this time is forever. Saying all that he is sabataging my efforts, eating takeawys, excepting invitations to meals out that in the past he'd of turned down. he is snacking in the evening on stuff he has never eaten but knows I like!!

    I think this is his own insecurity as a 50 year old man and that perhaps soon he'll come on-side and help me. BUT if he doesn't then ok - I can do this on my own and so can you - we are worth it
    Manybe in a years time our husbands will think - oh okay if she can do it so can I
  • debs6
    debs6 Posts: 232 Member
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    I am really sorry that your husband is showing such disregard for your new directions with food- but from my core I believe that it is ultimately your decision and your choices whether to eat particular foods or not. It appears that he should be on this journey with you - but unfortunately no one can force him to do that so you must steer forward by yourself.

    I think this realisation is what has worked for me . I can't have everyone following the same eating plan as me - whether it be co- workers or family members as ultimately it my decision for me and me alone. I have reached a point where I even keep biscuits and chocolates in the cupboard -but choose not to eat them. They are there for when visitors arrive - and they don't even really tempt me . Occasionally if I have spare calories I will choose to have one biscuit - but my choice is to have one and no more. We have to get to that point we make these decisions for ourselves as we can't avoid all temptations so we need to know how to deal with them.

    As others have said - there appears to be way deeper issues here as you would hope that your husband would want to support rather than deliberately sabotage you.

    Stay strong - you can do it and we are all around as a team to support you
  • xonikitashafferxo
    xonikitashafferxo Posts: 150 Member
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    It sounds to me like he does not want you to lose weight. Is he an insecure person? If he is insecure he might be scared for the fact that "you'll look better" and "more attractive to others"
    My husband was the same way for awhile, I ended up asking him if he was worried about something and he was. He was more comfortable with me being fat because my self confidence is low and he thought if my self confidence was high that I would find someone else and leave him. I am not sure why he thought that, maybe because of his past marriage where his wife cheated on him.
    Sometimes when people are unhappy with themselves they do not want others to be happy.
    It's really hard to say though. I hope it all works out for you. If you need any support add me :0)
  • hrbianchi
    hrbianchi Posts: 2
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    It sounds as though he is afraid he will loose you, once you succeed! i.e low self esteem! Let him see you need his support more than anyone and give him more attention. If that fails. Tell him your divorcing him because he is a pain!
  • Aphrodite3010
    Aphrodite3010 Posts: 65 Member
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    It sounds to me like he does not want you to lose weight. Is he an insecure person? If he is insecure he might be scared for the fact that "you'll look better" and "more attractive to others"
    My husband was the same way for awhile, I ended up asking him if he was worried about something and he was. He was more comfortable with me being fat because my self confidence is low and he thought if my self confidence was high that I would find someone else and leave him. I am not sure why he thought that, maybe because of his past marriage where his wife cheated on him.
    Sometimes when people are unhappy with themselves they do not want others to be happy.
    It's really hard to say though. I hope it all works out for you. If you need any support add me :0)

    I think this may have a lot to do with it, his ex wife cheated on him too but I dont know if my reassurance is enough for him. I'll bring up that in therapy as well. I know he'd like me to be the size I was when we met almost 10 years ago, I felt a lot better about myself back then too but I worry that maybe this is compounding the other issues in our marriage which we are working through.

    I'm just going to have to have a good heart to heart talk with him and let him know where I'm coming from and hope to not only get his support but have him join me in this journey.
  • BruteSquad
    BruteSquad Posts: 373 Member
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    You will see this throughout the posts. Lack of support and sabotage.

    I want to point out that I have bought a gf chocolate while on a diet. It was an innocent show of affection. However, when she mentioned it wasn't helping, I stopped buying chocolate and bought flowers instead.

    If he is sabotaging your efforts on a continual basis, his reasons are probably complex. It is probably a combination of things that feed on each other.

    I would also like to point out that, while it isn't the same, you have a lot of support here. If it helps, post when you pass on the chips or pass on eating after 9 if those are your goals. There is a huge cheering section here. There are a LOT of women in similar situations, draw from them.

    Remember, when you are doing what you need to do for you, you are supporting the rest of us in our goals. I worked out last night because I saw that some of my MFP friends had worked out (I had decided I wasn't going to because I was sore). That happens more than you might know. So let us know when you pass up the chips or don't eat after 9. You don't know who you will inspire.
  • iplayoutside19
    iplayoutside19 Posts: 2,304 Member
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    You're not going to make him do anything until he really wants to. That being said I read from the context that you're pregnant and that his weight is already causing him health issues.

    Try asking him how he's going to keep up with a small child while carrying all that weight. I couldn't, which is part of the reason I changed my lifestyle. "Dad, come play soccer." is much easier on the ears when you're in shape enough to play soccer for longer than 30 minutes.
  • optional1
    optional1 Posts: 15 Member
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    make his insecurity the fire under your *kitten*! for some reason hes trying to keep you down, that would make me stronger you cant change him he has to want that for himself.
  • WhittRak
    WhittRak Posts: 572 Member
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    I originally had a husband who was supportive and ready to get healthy, but we both had a set back and now he keeps putting off getting back on track. At this point it's getting ridiculous at how unsupportive he is, he's sabotaging me. He knows I have little willpower and will intentionally bring home food that I love and act like it's completely innocent and nice. He eats junk food all the time in front of me and snacks late at night and then talks about how he's doing so good at staying within his calories! It's so frustrating. He makes fun of me when I measure my food and just doesnt understand why I'm doing this. We're both overweight and are both in danger of becoming diabetic (he's already tested positive for prediabetes) if we don't get this under control. Ive lost 15 lbs and he's gained, and he's made comments on how he's only going to help me stay where I am and not help me lose weight. It's really upsetting to me, I dont know if its a deeper psychological issue to him but I feel he doesnt want me to be happy....

    Does anyone have any suggestions to get him to be more supportive or ignore his comments and actions?

    Ignore him. It really is that easy. Just know he is effing up his body.
  • Brenda3827
    Brenda3827 Posts: 2
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    This is all his insecurities, stay focused and I bet he becomes more jealous than ever. And if he don't like it. Too bad! Be proud of you.
  • czysunkissedbabe
    czysunkissedbabe Posts: 3 Member
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    I have been in this situation before and I completely removed myself from it. I was not married so that changes my answer to this. No matter if it is a man sabatoging the woman or vice versa, it always comes down to insecurities and jealousy. He is scared that when you lose your weight, you will change how you feel about yourself and your position in your life and he is scared that you will change the way you feel about him and that you may move on from him because he is choosing not to grow with you. He is doing a negative effect. He should jump on the bandwagon with you and both of you can lose it together and grow together and be proud of each other. He is being selfish and wants it to be all about him. IT CAN"T BE! This is all about you and in the end all there is, is you. I have learned this the hard way. YOu can do this with or without someone's help and you can have a support group with all of us. He should support you and help you in anyway possible if he is your husband. He should not cut you down, that is not fair and if he loves you, he wouldn't do what he does. Tell him to either get on board or to not come home with negative talk or bad junk food! You can do this! Stay strong and be healthy! You are important too, its okay for you to be selfish for your body.
  • machausta
    machausta Posts: 10 Member
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    I am at this same point with my wife...she brings home chocolate and fatty foods, and keeps telling me how she doesn't want me to lose weight. I think that she suspects I'm doing this to be more attractive and meet someone else etc... but the reality is that I have metabolic syndrome from years of drinking 4 or more sugared drinks a day and eating all the wrong things. I was consuming 3000+ calories a day and ballooned to 270 lbs before a weight loss competition at work. I'm currently in 14th place in the competition, but now I'm competing for something else -- I feel a ton better and much better about myself. I 'break' on weekends, but I keep my calories to a bare minimum during the day and eat a 'normal' evening meal.

    Good luck, its tough but totally worth it in the long run -- and try to get him to understand that this isn't about changing who he is, just making him healthier so you can both enjoy long lives together.
  • MrsLehman24
    MrsLehman24 Posts: 204 Member
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    I've learned you can't change people. You will never have control over what he does, how he lives and what he eats. But you do have control over you. My x husband (we still live together) wanted to keep me fat. He felt if I was fat no one else would be interested in me. It was his insecurity, not mine. I lost 35 pounds and I look and feel great. I'm more comfortable with my self, so the sex is much better because I feel pretty. I rock his world and he loves it. Just keep achieving your goals. He will come around. I would tell him how he makes you feel and how you think he is sabotaging your health. If he really loves you, he will quit putting you down.
  • DQMD
    DQMD Posts: 193
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    You can't change him, but you can change how you react to his behavior.

    My ex2be was the same way. He liked me chubby because I was shy and a total introvert. I mean hide in the background so no one notices me. Now I am very extroverted and don't hide. I have an outgoing personality that was hidden for so very long. I got tired of his negativity and his family treated me horribley. I tried to work it out with him for 2 year and it just didn't work. So I said senora...but we had no kids.

    Your hubby is dealing with insecurities of his ex-wife cheating on him. Was she overweight? Did she lose a bunch and cheat on him at that time?
  • PoochPottery
    PoochPottery Posts: 205
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    Take out a nice big life insurance policy on him and show it to him!! Let him know that you would like to live a long healthy life with him but if he continues to do this to himself you need a back up plan.

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