people and stress

foxyforce · July 2009

Do you have anyone in your life that has stressed you out to the point where you just don't want to be around them ever again? I feel that way about my brother and my mother, i know it sounds awful, but in this relationship only one side gives and the other gets seriously abused through their negligence.

My brother is an activist who demands perfection from an imperfect system. Which is so ****ed up. It is an oxymoron at its finest. And to top it off whenever we get into an argument, he actually insults me, I do not insult people if we get into an argument. People argue, that is how it is. But I can't say anything to him about this cause he explodes! I didn't want to push him away through doing that, so I am intentionally pushing him away. I think he's this way because of my mother. She is selfish, and she has no idea. Do not judge me for saying this, she reallyreally really is. And I am tired of having to take care of her emotional warfare when she is seriously crazy and rubs off on everyone around her.

To top it off, I get treated like **** for all the good I do for these people. Her newest boyfriend told me off on the phone cause I told her that she doesnt need a anyone and to not expect support when we just want her to be OK (and in all seriousness, she is not capable of being with someone) and he picks up the phone and tells me off...and she laughs in the background! My brother has insulted this man to no end on the phone and not once did she allow him to talk down to my brother.

My brother is always insulting my education and my efforts to strive. I say I jog he says 'to work off that hagen daaz' I don't even eat ice cream! and at this point it isn't a joke, it is nit picking criticism. I am so mad, and so sad, because I have no one that even remotely understands what it is like to not want a family!

CarolynD1986 · July 2009

Then stop talking to them.

You can't change people. I don't want to judge your family because I think there are two sides to every story, but if it isn't working, and sometimes it will never work, then just cut out the stress, the dysfunction and the source of aggression in your life.

Activists, some activists, sometimes don't listen to others. I used to be vegan and was around a lot of animal rights activists all the time and I have found that they tend to share a similar personality trait in which they are very set in their ways and not always open to others' opinions.

Sometimes family are the people we make out o be our family. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful family but I know that some people aren't and I also know I have met some wonderful people I can call family as well.

Just make sure to be as hard on yourself as you are on them. Sometimes people tend not to self-criticize and that can be dangerous if you are criticizing others. You may be more similar to your family than you think and this might also be a reason there is tension and friction.

You have to let people be who they are. If your mother wants to be with this man, that is her decision and you shoulnd't try and tell her not to. Even if you are sure it is a bad idea. We all have our own path to follow, our own choices and our own mistakes. Just make the right ones for you; if that entails separating yourself from family, so be it.

Nothing and no one is perfect. Try and remember that. It might make you more forgiving toward them, or it might make you realize that your family situation is what it is, and that not having it in your life could make things much better for you (and maybe them??). I always say "**** happens". Like you said, this world is imperfect and **** is expected to happen. Try and find a way to deal with it and don't let an undesirable situation continue like this. Your happiness is up to you; make the necessary choices and changes for it to be real.

Hope this helps...

lmwhite3473 · July 2009

I am in a similar situation with my mother and sister. I have not visited them in three years. I only e-mail my mother every once in a while just to let her know I am still alive. I had to do what was best for my own emotional well being. I love them but I just don't like them. It is a tough situation. People who are not in this kind of situation just do not know how painful it can be. ou just have to do what is best for you. Sometimes people just out grow situations and do what they need to just to survive.I think you have to do what is going to benefit you. You don't deserve to be treated that way by anyone especially people who are suppose to be the most supportive of you.

1Sweets · July 2009

I agree with CarolynD. Time to put some distance between you & them. You will get treated with more respect when you put time between the relationship. We can pick our friends but not our family.

Some people have a way of saying things like maybe your brother to your mother and get away with it. Is he the baby of the family? Is he cute when he says things to your mom? She probably favors him. I've noticed in my old age that people can get away with saying a lot if they say it cute or in a funny way

I say take some time to yourself & don't let them rent any space in your brain! .

When you do decide to visit or talk make it a short visit. Keep it light in conversation. Treat them like a distant friend. See what happens it might turn out OK:drinker:

tron3002 · July 2009

I do feel you need to distance yourself from your family, but dont cut them off all together just yet. See them on YOUR terms. Make it clear that you dont mind meeting for lunch as long as it is a polite and civil conversation. They cant be judgmental of you nor you of them. It may take some getting used to but IF it works you could still have a relationship with them. If it doesn't.... Then do whats best for you and cut the ties. At least you know you have tried your best and you wont have anything to feel guilty about later on down the road.

barbiecat · July 2009

:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

Don't feel guilty or anything negative about distancing yourself from people who have so little respect for your beliefs and values. Life is too short to give part of it to anyone who drags you down.

Come from a place of love.

:bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile: :bigsmile:

LuckyLeprechaun · July 2009

do what is best for you. you are the only one who can take care of you. just because you share DNA with them doesn't mean they can treat you awfully. and it's no reason to take it from them. I have an aunt who is so extremely toxic, I cannot be around her at all. the list of reasons is long, and I feel strongly about it, so I just decided that she is dismissed from my life. I told her so, too. I wrote a long letter explaining how I feel and I told her that unless she wants to apologize and become a decent person, I was done with her. It was a bummer because her husband, my uncle, is so awesome, and I miss him very much. Some of my family members still maintain relationships with her, in spite of their sharing my opinion that she is awful. and that's their choice. but I have never been happier than to have her gone from my life. she brought me nothing positive, only negative. I decided that if I would not tolerate that behavior from a stranger, then there was no valid reason to take it from her, just because of DNA.

only you can decide what is best for you, and I understand a mom is way different than an aunt, but listen to your own heart and do what makes you happiest

foxyforce · July 2009

you guys are all great, thank you. i ended up telling my brother off...it just came out, the words escaped my mouth and my brain was like 'no shut up' just becaues i dont like escalating things. it was a simple but vulgar 'you're a BEEP' but it was enough to escalate things so i just left. my mouth wanted to defend me and vent i guess!

but all of these really help me. i want to keep them there, when i need them, and when they need me, which is never cause they discount me as a family member anyway. so really, just when and if i ever need them, like on my wedding day.

people and stress

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