Support When You Think it's Unhealthy....

ChristieStearns
ChristieStearns Posts: 94 Member
edited November 12 in Motivation and Support
Just wanted to get some opinions on here ladies! I know each of us are so different and we eat very differently to try to lose weight. I have a friend who is much smaller than me and is trying to lose weight. For her size, she has been losing fast because she lost 4 lbs in a week as did I. I don't know her weight but she is like a size 6. So to me that seems like FAST loss. I am able to see her food diary and when I look at it I worry because it seems like she is barely eating. Her calorie goal is 1200 and she only eats around 700. Sometimes 2 of her 3 meals are protein drinks. I have been congratulating her when she looses... because that's what we are supposed to do right?! But I am worried she's not doing it in a healthy way. She could be filling up on lots more veggies and things but I feel like she is just eating what she can to get by. She also works a job where she is on her feet ALL day so I would think she needs more energy.
I don't feel this is someone I'm close enough to that I could have a serious conversation about it... yet I feel kind of like a hypocrite to keep supporting her weight loss efforts when I feel it may be unsafe/unhealthy for her. I'm also afraid since I'm like a size 16 and she's a 6 or 4 that she'll think it's just a matter of me not understanding what it takes at her weight to lose, or why she wants to lose at all even (which may be true....)

Any thoughts? Thanks guys n' girls.

Replies

  • kelseyhere
    kelseyhere Posts: 1,123 Member
    Interesting topic. I'm a size 6 myself, and usually worry that if I offer people larger than myself advice, they will take in the wrong way because they'll assume I have it easier or something.

    I do tend to agree with you that it is hypocritical to support her, even if you think it's unhealthy. How long has she been doing the shakes? If she's only doing it for a week or two to jump start, that's not a problem, but if it's been going on a while, that's not so good. I also agree with you that 4 pounds seems like alot for someone who's pretty small to begin with.

    Maybe you could try and bring it up in a different way, like ask her how she plans to maintain once she stops the shakes and starts eating real food again. That's a valid question and it might get her to think more critically about what she's doing to her body.

    If she keeps it up, maybe just stop congratulating her, that way at least you won't be supporting something you don't agree with.
  • AsaThorsWoman
    AsaThorsWoman Posts: 2,303 Member
    I think you're giving her the evil eye of JEALOUSY and that if you have a problem with her weight you should go to the mirror.

    Your problem is within yourself.

    Mind your own business.
  • kobiemom
    kobiemom Posts: 218 Member
    I admire you for being concerned about her health. It's a tough call. I certainly don't see it as jealousy - speaking of people who need to look within.
  • jess_blonde
    jess_blonde Posts: 229 Member
    I'm a nurse so I have a hard time turning a blind eye to unhealthy choices. At first I might ignore it, to see if someone is having an off week or isn't feeling well, but if it continues, or there are status updates that worry me (like those that point to disordered eating) I will say something.

    People need encouragement to be HEALTHY not skinny. Those are two very different goals. If someone wants to unfriend me because I won't support their disordered eating that's fine, I just hope that I will be that little voice in the back of their head that makes them think twice about their choices and maybe will help them see that what they are doing is unhealthy.
  • fitniknik
    fitniknik Posts: 713 Member
    I dont think its Jealousy at all. I think you 1. Have genuine concern for your friends health and 2. dont want your friend to gain a ton back when she realizes the error of her ways and eats normal again.

    I would bring it up in a non threatening way, see what she has to say and then let it go. You can only lead a horse to water right?
  • angieleighbyrd
    angieleighbyrd Posts: 989 Member
    I think you're giving her the evil eye of JEALOUSY and that if you have a problem with her weight you should go to the mirror.

    Your problem is within yourself.

    Mind your own business.


    I'm gonna have to agree with her here. maybe she is eating too little and not doing things the way you feel she should. but if you aren't actually friends outside of mfp, what business is it of yours. I had to delete someone because they were constantly telling me how I should eat and what I should be doing. It got to the point where she was talking at me and not to me, it pissed me off more than anything.
  • Schnuddelbuddel
    Schnuddelbuddel Posts: 402 Member
    I think you're giving her the evil eye of JEALOUSY and that if you have a problem with her weight you should go to the mirror.

    Your problem is within yourself.

    Mind your own business.
    That was uncalled for!

    I can't see your friends diary, but I'd tell her that you are concerned about her intake and straight out tell her that. I've done it on here with one of my friends and there was a perfectly fine explanation for it and that was that. I don't think anyone should take it the wrong way when someone is concerned about them.

    Look at it this way: would you be happier with yourself if you acted on your instinct and asked her if she's okay or would you be happier to ignore it and still wonder and worry?

    :) I know which friend I'd rather have!
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
    You have 10 friends, and they can see the things you post on the forum. Just wanted to clear that up before I answer.

    If I disagree too much with someone else's choices, someone I don't really know very well especially - I just defriend them. I'm just not the type to say something. I might make a joke to gauge the person, but there's not much I'd do after that if they don't respond or they tell me to piss off.

    I'm a size six and still bordering on the upper part of my healthy BMI. I'd could conceivably lose another 20lb and be in the lower end of my healthy.
  • MercenaryNoetic26
    MercenaryNoetic26 Posts: 2,747 Member
    I was against 1200 diets and still am. I mean, I'm not going for the toothpick look. I was reading a kindle book preview on a book targeted at petite women. It mentioned that smaller women can get the lean look they want with 1600 calories. This is aimed at women that are 5' - 5'4". That makes sense because when I'm counting calories, my minimum was set at 1600.

    I guess my point is that (it appears) smaller women can get away with eating significantly less than the "average" woman. It doesn't mean they should limit themselves to 1200 calories... unless maybe they're under 5' tall... LOL
  • tameko2
    tameko2 Posts: 31,634 Member
    I think that person who thinks you are jealous is nuts - I totally agree with you that it sounds really unhealthy. Have you ever asked her about it? I won't congratulate people who I think are doing something I disagree with - we don't need to be friends with or agree with everyone we meet. Actually I'll usually message them and ask if they are doing enough to fuel their bodies and workouts, etc. Food is fuel. And under eating severely for a long time is not just "unhealthy" the way people think diet soda and pizza are unhealthy. Its unhealthy like your body will start shutting off vital functions and cannibalizing your muscle including the most important muscle of all - your heart.
  • angieleighbyrd
    angieleighbyrd Posts: 989 Member
    I can understand everyones point to a point. If you are generally concerned with her health that's one thing. My situation was different, I felt as if I was being barked at.
  • OCmama87
    OCmama87 Posts: 10
    I think it's good of you to be concerned too but I don't think you should say anything because she'll take it the wrong way. Instead maybe just talk about articles you've read or facts you've learned about healthy weight loss, etc. My mom is a tiny size 0 now, but started her weight loss at a size 4. She ate 700 at day for just a few weeks to get herself started. It is really hard to lose even a few pounds when you're tiny, so that really could be it too.

    As a side note, it's clear from how you wrote this that you aren't jealous, especially if you're losing the same that she is. SOOOO to the lady who made that comment, if you don't have anything nice to stay then stay off the thread?
  • llamalland
    llamalland Posts: 246 Member
    I agree that it's a dilemma, knowing whent your comment is "supportive" and when it becomes "hypocritical". I do not like to say "good job" or other encouraging things when one of my friends has questionable eating habits. I do try to pick out something positive to comment on, like say, "wow, great choice on that chef's salad!" Or somehow emphasize the healthy choices they are making.

    I agree with the other comment that asking her about her maintenance choices when she stops the shakes is a good way to open the conversation.

    On the other hand, the nice thing about MFP is everyone feels safe choosing the weight loss method they prefer... It is sort of a catch 22, even though we may observe potentially unhealthy habits.

    I do not agree with the poster who thinks you're jealous! Hope that was in jest.... ?
  • ChristieStearns
    ChristieStearns Posts: 94 Member
    Firstly I have no jealousy at all on this.... and I AM friends with her outside of MFP. This is a friend first, and she wanted me to friend her on MFP to support each other.... which is why I find it difficult because I do want to support her but I genuinely worry that she isn't eating enough and that it's uhealthy. I am honestly shocked anyone would respond to this in a mean way because I'm just voicing a concern and looking for help. If you need to attack people I guess that's a problem with yourself.


    Thank you to all those with HELPFUL suggestions and comments.
  • ChristieStearns
    ChristieStearns Posts: 94 Member
    I think the most helpful thing I've learned from this is maybe give it a little time. I know she just started 2-3 weeks ago so it could very well be she is just trying to get off to a quicker start.

    For the record I am genuinely concerned because she works out and is only taking in around 700-800 cals on top of that. And asking if I SHOULD say something. Not judging. She is my friend in real life and because I don't have a lot of friends who I consider thin, I was looking for HELPFUL input because I didn't want to come off looking like an idiot.... like maybe this is what she has to do to lose weight at her size and I just don't know any better.

    Thank you to those who have been helpful, but man it sucks to be attacked when I had nothing but good intentions so I don't think I'll be posting a topic of my own again anytime soon. I'll stick to chiming in with HELPFUL comments for other people.

    Also to the person who mentioned she could read my post, I am definitely aware of that and deleted the status that said I started this topic. Don't think she reads the message boards because she is so busy. But if she did happen to read this at least she would know I care :)
  • ChristieStearns
    ChristieStearns Posts: 94 Member
    To the jealousy accusor...

    Can I just ask you where you think I EVER said I had a problem with her WEIGHT? Or was jealous of anything? My concern is for her health and that I don't want her to pass out or get sick because she is eating so little. Just not sure why you felt like jumping all over me for that.
  • Florawanda
    Florawanda Posts: 283 Member
    I think you have to tread a fine line between being critical and being concerned. I have said several times that I am not a great fan of fruit and veggies, but the UK 5 portions a day has got through to me (and I know that is an underestimate of what a healthy diet should have) and I try hard to hit 4 or 5. So when I see in a diary NO fruit or veggies of any kind, I do say something - even if it's "maybe some salad in that sandwich..." Similarly, if there is someone who is eating 7-800 cals on a regular basis and they haven't been ill, I have said "Are you OK - not eating as much as usual". I WILL not say 'Good job' or similar if someone has (IMHO) an unhealthily low intake; if there is nothing constructive I can say that might make them reconsider, then I don't comment.
    And I agree with the view that if they continue in the way they are eating, then while I wouldn't go as far as to de-friend them, I would stop commenting on their diary and weight loss.
    MFP has set 1200 as the minimum needed, and they're sending a message each time someone goes under 1200. At the end of the day, if someone makes a decision to eat only a little more than half that amount, that is their decision, but they need to express this, or close their diaries.
  • mes1119
    mes1119 Posts: 1,082 Member
    I've tried to reach out to those that don't eat enough and they have always made up excuses to try to defend themselves.

    I have come to the conclusion that there isn't anything I can do about it because they refuse to listen. I have began to delete friends that eat less than 1000-1200 a day because it was discouraging me.
  • Florawanda
    Florawanda Posts: 283 Member
    To the jealousy accusor...

    Can I just ask you where you think I EVER said I had a problem with her WEIGHT? Or was jealous of anything? My concern is for her health and that I don't want her to pass out or get sick because she is eating so little. Just not sure why you felt like jumping all over me for that.

    Well done, Christie, for saying that, and please don't let comments like that put you off posting a topic. Your concern for your MFP friend was obvious. It was a good topic to post, and I for one appreciated it, because I think I may have gone too far with some of my MFP friends and become a bit of a nag!!! If MFPers really feel what they choose to eat, and how much is not anyone else's business, they should keep their diaries private!
  • ChristieStearns
    ChristieStearns Posts: 94 Member
    Interesting topic. I'm a size 6 myself, and usually worry that if I offer people larger than myself advice, they will take in the wrong way because they'll assume I have it easier or something.

    I do tend to agree with you that it is hypocritical to support her, even if you think it's unhealthy. How long has she been doing the shakes? If she's only doing it for a week or two to jump start, that's not a problem, but if it's been going on a while, that's not so good. I also agree with you that 4 pounds seems like alot for someone who's pretty small to begin with.

    Maybe you could try and bring it up in a different way, like ask her how she plans to maintain once she stops the shakes and starts eating real food again. That's a valid question and it might get her to think more critically about what she's doing to her body.

    If she keeps it up, maybe just stop congratulating her, that way at least you won't be supporting something you don't agree with.


    Thanks for the helpful reply, also it's interesting that you are afraid to say something to a larger person for a similar reason. I will say when I was 310 it was hard to listen to a skinny friend give me advice because I didn't think they understood what it was like to look ahead at the daunting task of losing 150 lbs. But now that I've lost this much, I can see how hard it still is and that the smaller you get it keeps getting harder. Which is exactly why I'm trying to avoid coming off as insensitive or ignorant.

    Thanks for the input!
  • ChristieStearns
    ChristieStearns Posts: 94 Member
    I agree that it's a dilemma, knowing whent your comment is "supportive" and when it becomes "hypocritical". I do not like to say "good job" or other encouraging things when one of my friends has questionable eating habits. I do try to pick out something positive to comment on, like say, "wow, great choice on that chef's salad!" Or somehow emphasize the healthy choices they are making.

    I agree with the other comment that asking her about her maintenance choices when she stops the shakes is a good way to open the conversation.

    On the other hand, the nice thing about MFP is everyone feels safe choosing the weight loss method they prefer... It is sort of a catch 22, even though we may observe potentially unhealthy habits.

    I do not agree with the poster who thinks you're jealous! Hope that was in jest.... ?

    This was a great reply. I like your suggestion to pick out things I feel like I CAN support like certain food choices. I also feel like I can applaud her for exercise too... and I'll give it time to see if she ups her cals before I say anything else. And no matter what if I do say something I will do my best to make sure I don't sound critical. This is someone I see on a regular basis and I wouldn't want to offend her.
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