How Do You Beat The Low Self-Esteem Demon?
ilyahna
Posts: 96 Member
I hate it.
Although I don't think my personal self-esteem crisis evolved entirely from my negative body image, it has certainly been reinforced over the years, and seems to take daily beatings, even when I am trying hard and sticking to my diet and exercise routine.
It has a lot of negative impact on my attitude and on my ability to stay on track. I'll work out all week, eat right, and not lose a single pound. I'll get frustrated and get a bottle of vodka, or two. I'll eat some pizza. I'll get even more frustrated and beat myself up for that too. Then it's like I have to start all over.
Lately, I've been struggling to deal with focusing on these improvements I'm trying to make truly being for me. Things have been rather "not hot" between my boyfriend and I for a long time, and after much crying and fighting about his lack of interest, he finally said: "Keep going to the gym!" It hurt my feelings a lot. He likes to comment when we watch TV about women he thinks are attractive, but I feel like I'm not one of them. Some days I feel good about myself because I go to the gym, and others, like today, I see these pretty girls on TV my boyfriend is talking about, and feel like I'll never be one of them. I feel like my value as a woman is measured in pounds.
I read everywhere that self-confidence is the most attractive thing about a woman, and I know it's obvious when a person doesn't have it. It's in the way they carry themselves, the way they react to things they see and hear... but I feel like I can't access that until I've reached my goal. I start to feel good for the little successes, then something upsets me, and I feel hopeless again and the cycle starts over.
Is there anything that any of you do when the despair kicks in? Anything you focus on? How do you separate 'doing it for you' from 'doing it for others?' when your appearance so drastically affects how people in our society view you?
Although I don't think my personal self-esteem crisis evolved entirely from my negative body image, it has certainly been reinforced over the years, and seems to take daily beatings, even when I am trying hard and sticking to my diet and exercise routine.
It has a lot of negative impact on my attitude and on my ability to stay on track. I'll work out all week, eat right, and not lose a single pound. I'll get frustrated and get a bottle of vodka, or two. I'll eat some pizza. I'll get even more frustrated and beat myself up for that too. Then it's like I have to start all over.
Lately, I've been struggling to deal with focusing on these improvements I'm trying to make truly being for me. Things have been rather "not hot" between my boyfriend and I for a long time, and after much crying and fighting about his lack of interest, he finally said: "Keep going to the gym!" It hurt my feelings a lot. He likes to comment when we watch TV about women he thinks are attractive, but I feel like I'm not one of them. Some days I feel good about myself because I go to the gym, and others, like today, I see these pretty girls on TV my boyfriend is talking about, and feel like I'll never be one of them. I feel like my value as a woman is measured in pounds.
I read everywhere that self-confidence is the most attractive thing about a woman, and I know it's obvious when a person doesn't have it. It's in the way they carry themselves, the way they react to things they see and hear... but I feel like I can't access that until I've reached my goal. I start to feel good for the little successes, then something upsets me, and I feel hopeless again and the cycle starts over.
Is there anything that any of you do when the despair kicks in? Anything you focus on? How do you separate 'doing it for you' from 'doing it for others?' when your appearance so drastically affects how people in our society view you?
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Hunni if I had started this thread then that is pretty much what I would've typed. I also fund myself dealing with those issues and am starting to feel like giving up. People that don't make you feel good the way you are don't realise what a negative effect it can have. I've been doing alot of soul searching lately and bumped into an ex rendezvous partner last night. He made me feel gorgeous and it worries me because that's what my boyfriend should be doing rather than constantly looking at other women and quite obviously not being completely into how I am now.
I lost 2st because I wanted him, now I feel that still have to constantly watch what i put in my mouth just to keep him.
So I'm going to spend less time with him and more time with people that make me feel good. Either that or get depressed,not much of a choice really is it. At least I'll feel better,sod him.
Keep smiling and just think 'well I'll go to the gym yeah and when I start to feel better about me,more people will find me attractive both personally and physically' then enjoy the attention and let him see it,he'll hopefully sort himself out. Drink is not the way sweetie,it's just a distraction xx0 -
this may-be the hardest fight of all, you just can't back down from making things knock down your self-esteem. we are our owe worst critic it's never as bad as we make it in our mind.
What I've learned is fight hard and when I'm down I fight dirty, I sick of knocking myself down and if you think your strong enough to knock me down bring it cause now a days I love a good fight.
Keep your head high.0 -
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Hey Sweetie,
I"m sorry you have to go through this, I have suffered from low self esteem my whole life or the best part of it, its only now as I turned 40 that I am able to say I'm actually started to like myself.....there are various reasons why we are so hard on ourselves, and because the thoughts we think are like a tape recording (years of negative thoughts) it takes time and consistency to change these, they are thoughts and only thoughts....this does not mean it is true.....we have NO control over what others say or do, the only thing we can control is our own thoughts and actions....you need to really ask yourself why you want this, you have to set yourself goals, write them down, unless you do this you aren't committing to anything.....I'm not judging you in any sense but I believe that if someone loves you they don't put you down, that is just totally unfair and unessecary and extremely unhelpful...you have to start at the beginning and you have to have a plan....I am not at my goal yet, I have been at this for 18months so far...the scale hasn't moved for 6months, I like you do get frustrated especially when I get up at 4:45am every morning to workout, give up wine, cheese etc....BUT I have to keep pushing forward...ask yourself what the alternative is? if you weren't doing anything about it....? weight loss is the smallest part of this journey...it is NEVER going to be easy, every day for me is a war, being a food addict I constantly think about food ALL day...some days are good, some days are crap....BUT I never give up....I owe it to myself to keep going until I get to where I want to be.....I went through therapy to help with some issues I had, it is a long arduous process, and its a hard one to deal with because its like opening pandoras box, you never know whats in there and its never ending.....dig deep and stay true to yourself, you deserve it....xxx0 -
I have the same problem and it's been an extremely destructive issue in my life. Some days I'm great ... as soon as I get a funny look from someone .... or at least what I perceive to be a funny look .... my whole world comes crashing down.
So, while I'm trying to improve the outward by losing weight and getting healthy - the things that caused me to stuff my face in the first place
need to be addressed to 
Keep going .. and don't listen to the negativity that other people shove into your life .... Water off a duck's back ....
For the record, ilyahna -- I think you are beautiful!! Start believing it!0 -
Honestly, you just have to keep your goals and the big picture in mind. Just because a day or a week isn't perfect, that doesn't mean you have to let it ruin the rest of our life. The most important thing for me is looking at everything, not just those frustrating moments. I can't speak for how to deal with your boyfriend, because I've been blessed with a guy who loved me just as much when I gained 15 pounds as he does now that I've lost 20. What I will say is, don't let the comments about other women get to you.
Even though I'm happy and in love, I don't ignore other men and I still comment on them, and it doesn't bother me when he does the same. You have to realize that this person chooses to be with you, and trust that they won't drop you just because they see someone else walking down the street. There's always going to be someone 10 pounds lighter, or 5 years younger, with perkier boobs or better legs. If you can't trust that your partner loves you based on something other than your looks, then you deserve better.0 -
Hey Sweetie,
I"m sorry you have to go through this, I have suffered from low self esteem my whole life or the best part of it, its only now as I turned 40 that I am able to say I'm actually started to like myself.....there are various reasons why we are so hard on ourselves, and because the thoughts we think are like a tape recording (years of negative thoughts) it takes time and consistency to change these, they are thoughts and only thoughts....this does not mean it is true.....we have NO control over what others say or do, the only thing we can control is our own thoughts and actions....you need to really ask yourself why you want this, you have to set yourself goals, write them down, unless you do this you aren't committing to anything.....I'm not judging you in any sense but I believe that if someone loves you they don't put you down, that is just totally unfair and unessecary and extremely unhelpful...you have to start at the beginning and you have to have a plan....I am not at my goal yet, I have been at this for 18months so far...the scale hasn't moved for 6months, I like you do get frustrated especially when I get up at 4:45am every morning to workout, give up wine, cheese etc....BUT I have to keep pushing forward...ask yourself what the alternative is? if you weren't doing anything about it....? weight loss is the smallest part of this journey...it is NEVER going to be easy, every day for me is a war, being a food addict I constantly think about food ALL day...some days are good, some days are crap....BUT I never give up....I owe it to myself to keep going until I get to where I want to be.....I went through therapy to help with some issues I had, it is a long arduous process, and its a hard one to deal with because its like opening pandoras box, you never know whats in there and its never ending.....dig deep and stay true to yourself, you deserve it....xxx
It's paying off!! your one fine looking lady :flowerforyou:0 -
I have very similar problems, but luckily I don't get it from my boyfriend, just most of my friends (well ex friends)
One look, one comment and it ruins my day, then I emotionally turn to food, then I beat myself up for turning to food. It can be a never ending cycle. It did get very bad once that I was got so depressed about it I turned suicidal, but I've picked myself up from that and realised the only person that can change me is me, and the only reason I want to change is for myself.
There are three main things I did to get through it and they were:
- Try and spend less time with the negative people in your life
- Exercise, I get a good buzz once I exercise that tends to last for 24 and lets me feel like I can conquer the world (its also good at dropping off the pounds) I find if I do go to the gym for a few days I turn into a stressy b***h, it's definitely a bit of a drug for me!
-Take one day at a time, because if you know you can get through one day the thought of getting through the next makes it a lot easier0 -
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LOVE THIS!0 -
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I can recomend Astrid Longhurst book Body confidence, it was a good start for me. My problems with my body image manifested it self in me judging pretty much every woman I saw as fat, ugly, to skinny, in very bad terms such as disgusting etc and I realized that it just had to stop. I started doing affirmations, like "I have a strong, healthy body" "I love my body" etc and I said these affimations for myself when i woke up in the morning and when I was falling asleep in the evening. Its lead to believe this is a good way to reprogram the subconcious and getting rid of all the bad thoughts, doing this you end up convincing your subconcious and in the end you start to believe you are right and it worked for me. I also reminded myself of these affirmations as soon as I felt the need to think about other womens bodies in a negative way.0
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I too have suffered from low self esteem. For me I had to really get to know myself before I was able to turn that around. One thing I realized was that relied on external validation. That's tough because someone else is always determining how you feel about yourself. I'd take something someone said and let that determine my self worth. If the comment was positive, I felt good about myself. If it was bad, I felt bad about myself. It wasn't until I began to look at how I was feeling about the comment that I could make the shift. No one can make you feel anything. You have to take responsibility for your own feelings. I was watching TV and heard a woman speaking about this. It changed my whole way of thinking, so much so I wrote it down. Here's what she said:
"Comments, opinions from others are merely their observation. If someone makes a comment I'm finding hurtful,
it wasn't that someone who hurt me, because I'm the one that assigned the meaning behind the observation.
So another person cannot hurt me. I'm deciding how to feel about their comments or opinion. I'm assigning the
meaning."
Those words completely changed my perspective. I started looking at the meaning I was assiging to others comments. It was then that I began to feel differently about myself. That's not to say I haven't had another negative thought about myself, but if I start to go down that road, I catch myself. And I remember it's not the comment, it's how I'm feeling about the comment. I take a moment and I'm then able decide what meaning I want to givie to the observation, if any. Since I started doing that, I find that I'm much more compassionate with myself. I'm now my own best advocate. I'm no longer letting other people determine how I feel about myself. I'm no longer looking for others to validate me.
I hope you find this helpful. Believe in yourself and know that you are worth it.
Karen0 -
Take your Power Back! You give way to much to your Boyfriend and to what others say! Take it back its yours! Post notes on your bathroom mirror as reminders, everyday read them! Surround your self with people that make you happy. Get rid of the negitive. Or at least put them in the back of the room. You can do it...no one said it will be easy...but it can be done! Good Luck!0
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I have massive low self-esteem problems.
I always feel like the world is judging me from the way I look. I have taken comfort from reading this.
And agree that we have to earn to love ourselves 1st, live one day to the next, look forwards and not backwards.
You will never make the whole world love you, like you or accept you, but as long as you love you that's all that matters0 -
Self-esteem is a work in progress.
Measure yourself. It does wonders. The skinny girls on TV... well, they are chicks with a boat load of emotional problems looking for validation. YOU ARE FAR BETTER THAN THAT!!!!!
Love yourself. Until you can accept you, no one else will. I am re-reading Women, Food, And God by Geneen Roth, because I was having a hard time getting over the self-esteem hurdle and it's helping. I, for one, felt normal in public.
I wish you the best!
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Your boyfriend sounds alot like my last ex. Mark was constantly putting me down but I was just too stupid to realise what he was trying to do, it was never about my weight though, I just wasn't as gorgeous as all those other girls. He was always telling other girls how hot they were and on the rare occasions when I'd ask him if I looked okay, his reponse was always 'you look okay' which just made me feel more self conscious. He always said no other guy would ever want me. I believed him then and I still do now.I hate it.
Although I don't think my personal self-esteem crisis evolved entirely from my negative body image, it has certainly been reinforced over the years, and seems to take daily beatings, even when I am trying hard and sticking to my diet and exercise routine.
It has a lot of negative impact on my attitude and on my ability to stay on track. I'll work out all week, eat right, and not lose a single pound. I'll get frustrated and get a bottle of vodka, or two. I'll eat some pizza. I'll get even more frustrated and beat myself up for that too. Then it's like I have to start all over.
Lately, I've been struggling to deal with focusing on these improvements I'm trying to make truly being for me. Things have been rather "not hot" between my boyfriend and I for a long time, and after much crying and fighting about his lack of interest, he finally said: "Keep going to the gym!" It hurt my feelings a lot. He likes to comment when we watch TV about women he thinks are attractive, but I feel like I'm not one of them. Some days I feel good about myself because I go to the gym, and others, like today, I see these pretty girls on TV my boyfriend is talking about, and feel like I'll never be one of them. I feel like my value as a woman is measured in pounds.
I read everywhere that self-confidence is the most attractive thing about a woman, and I know it's obvious when a person doesn't have it. It's in the way they carry themselves, the way they react to things they see and hear... but I feel like I can't access that until I've reached my goal. I start to feel good for the little successes, then something upsets me, and I feel hopeless again and the cycle starts over.
Is there anything that any of you do when the despair kicks in? Anything you focus on? How do you separate 'doing it for you' from 'doing it for others?' when your appearance so drastically affects how people in our society view you?
I dealt with those comments for almost two years before breaking up with him and I do regret it because I love him but he doesn't want to change and I'm not going to force him because I can't, he is who he is, there's nothing I can do about it.
Have you told your boyfriend how much it's damaging your self esteem? I know it probably sounds silly but I think you need to. Tell him to stop making those comments, you should be enough for him if he loves you. I know how much it will hurt but if he can't do it for you, then it seems like you only have one option.
Tasha
xxx0 -
Your boyfriend sounds alot like my last ex. Mark was constantly putting me down but I was just too stupid to realise what he was trying to do, it was never about my weight though, I just wasn't as gorgeous as all those other girls. He was always telling other girls how hot they were and on the rare occasions when I'd ask him if I looked okay, his reponse was always 'you look okay' which just made me feel more self conscious. He always said no other guy would ever want me. I believed him then and I still do now.
I dealt with those comments for almost two years before breaking up with him and I do regret it because I love him but he doesn't want to change and I'm not going to force him because I can't, he is who he is, there's nothing I can do about it.
Have you told your boyfriend how much it's damaging your self esteem? I know it probably sounds silly but I think you need to. Tell him to stop making those comments, you should be enough for him if he loves you. I know how much it will hurt but if he can't do it for you, then it seems like you only have one option.
Tasha
xxx
I've said something to him about it before, yes, but it doesn't make sense to him. He doesn't understand why it should bother me. He says it has nothing to do with how he feels about me, or whether he wants to be with me. He reminds me I was bigger than I am now when he decided to pursue a relationship with me, and that it's never been about my physical appearance for him. I suppose I have to admit that's true. I've always had a terrible time trusting people, because I've been so wounded by so many people in the fast who have been false, and for many months after my boyfriend and I got together, and he was reticent to be sexual in any way, he told me time and again 'it's not you, it's me,' but my instinct led me to believe that was not the case. So I pressed the issue until I finally managed to talk about it non-emotionally, and he told me the truth. I later told him I'd rather the hurtful truth than lies that made me unable to trust him. It seems there isn't a great balance between him lying to protect my feelings about a matter I've come to realize isn't truly all that important to him (although I didn't realize guys could NOT find that important), and him simply having no filter and telling me exactly what he thinks.
Maybe I asked for it. I don't think he does it to be mean, and he certainly never comments about women in real life to me. We go to parties sometimes, and I know I'm not the best looking woman there, but he spends his time close to me, and wouldn't flirt with someone else even if he knew how. He also has been very encouraging about my weight loss and exercise, and has told me he believes in me. In all other aspects, he's a wonderful man, but it's a great blow to the self-esteem when my man doesn't value me in the way I want to be valued.
But it comes back, definitely, to what you all have said in response to this post. I suppose I am looking for validation in an area I feel profoundly uncomfortable, and looking for it from someone else. Trying to build self-esteem based on someone else's opinion is a dangerous operation.
Thanks to everyone that has given me some things to think about, and best luck to you all in your own journeys.0 -
This, totally.
For me, self-confience is totally a 'fake it till you make it' deal. My bff once said I put my ***** please on with my chonies in the morning & it's true. Even on days when I feel like utter ****, I strut like I'm hot ****. Try (just for a day) walking with your head up (chin totally parallel to the floor), shoulders back (yes, to the point where you aren't sure if it's shoulders back or rack out) , abs in & a heel-toe walk with a decent stride. My grammy used to make me practice this with a book on my head (three steps to a square on the sidewalk! >.<), it's insane how different it makes you feel.
I also surround myself with silly motivational post-its. All my co-workers laugh at me, but if seeing a pink square keeps me from eating a chocolate one, I'm okay with that.0 -
With a big stick!! :-)0
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With a big stick!! :-)
have someone hold it down.0 -
Firstly - I have just read your post above and therefore have deleted my original response.
Secondly - let it go.
Just live for the day, do your thing. I don't think you really had formed your identity before you got together with him, and now you experience a lot of insecurity. Perhaps go away for a week. Men can end up like old slippers - don't really do the job but you're fond of them and don't want to throw them away. It might actually be time to move on but you have to sit down and think it all out.
There's something in your face that makes me feel that perhaps you intimidate the guy? I think if anything were going to wreck your sex life, it would be that. I have a boyfriend at the moment whose sex drive is the most incredible indicator of how safe and loved he feels... if he doesn't feel safe with me, ie he thinks I don't care etc, he doesn't want to play hide the salami.
Editing again: even if he doesn't fancy you because you are not the right shape right now (men are triggered visually by certain shapes) just understand he must love you to hang around and miss out. Keep up the good work. Ay? And don't feel bad. It's a waste of energy. Just do your thing and be chill. 0 -
you have pretty much written what alot of women think and feel i reckon. we are far to hard on ourselves and judgemental. firstly, your bf should love you for who you are, encourage, support and motivate you to loose weight if that is what YOU want to do. him going on about how attractive other women are doesnt do much for your self esteem unless he also tells you have attractive you are. he's got to treat you with love and respect. i feel the same way sometimes. my bf will comment on the attractiveness of other women when i know that i look nothing like them. i dont have a toned, curvy body. im really flat chested which gets me down too and i know it bothers him but he wouldnt want to hurt my feelings by saying so. i have literally zero body confidence infront of him cause i know unless i put on weight and have a boob job then i will never be the women that HE desires.
we all have insecurities and it stems from a variety of things - our past, our personality and the people around us. If you work backwards from that - surround yourself with people who love you, care for you, will motivate and support you, you will become a more positive thinking and happier individual who can achieve the goals that YOU want to achieve. Once you start to work towards those goals and see that you can do it, you will have the strength to face whatever has hurt you in the past and deal with all the emotions that come with it.
remember your not alone. many women feel this way. just remember, its your life. make it as great as you want it to be (:
best of luck x0 -
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I can totally empathise with your situation been through this before... I don't like to judge, but you deserve a better boyfriend.
If a guy has 'lost interest' in you that's HIS limitation, not yours. He must be pretty superficial. Sorry, just being blunt.
In the past I have got angry, upset and cried when boyfriends would pay more attention to other women. Losing weight makes you feel like they will change if only you were slimmer. They will love you more if you are what they desire.
I can tell you one thing for sure, losing weight wont make him less insensitive. He needs to grow up.
But you can use the situation to your advantage. I'm using my emotions to drive me to get to a 'comfortable' weight were I feel confident about myself. Not for anyone else, just for me.
Look, if your boyfriend can't 'be there for you' there are plenty of others who do want to support you. I'm here to support you in your journey if you need me.
love and hugs,
Debz x0 -
LETS BUILD OUR CONFIDENCE XXXX0
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