How do you be supportive whe you disagree?

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KatWood
KatWood Posts: 1,135 Member
in Motivation and Support
So inspired by the weightloss of others (my mom, me and a friend) my sister has decided to lose weight herself. Which is fantastic! Both my mom and I lost weight the healthy way, eating healthy and exercise. However, even knowing that, my sister has decided to follow the same diet plan her friend did to lose weight. How do I be supportive when I don't approve of the method she is using? She knows how I feel and she knows the reasons why this diet is not a good idea. However, she wants the quick results her friend got and feels that this will help to motivate her. She says she will just use this to get her started until she feels she can stay motivated and then she will go off it and will just eat healthy and exercise. I've told her she will just gain it back but she just shrugs that off. I realize I can't change her mind and have decided to stop trying. I don't think she is really in danger or anything I just am annoyed that she is going this route even when she acknowledges it is the wrong way. She is losing weight and I want to be supportive and encourage her to lose weight but on the other hand I don't want to encourage her to continue this diet.

Any suggestions on what I should do? Since I have spoken my mind, should I just refrain from talking about her weightloss all together? Including any comments/compliments on her progress? I'm also worried I won't be able to contain myself and avoid the "I told you so" attitude when she fails (and inevitably she will)

Thanks :happy:

Replies

  • 1Sweets
    1Sweets Posts: 395
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    I'm curious to know the "Hows" of this diet? so I can get a better understanding. Some diet strategies are heart threatening & others gall bladder threatening. :noway:
  • Leigh14
    Leigh14 Posts: 871 Member
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    I wouldn't tell her she'll gain it all back because that may make her determined to prove you wrong. Instead, take a positive approach and show her all the stuff you can eat, all the wonderful veggies, fruits, lean meats, etc., and then let her steam in her own juices as she realizes she's eating such a restrictive diet (I assume). Be sure and emphasize how incredible you feel feeding your body what it needs! :flowerforyou:

    I've tried SO many "quick-fix" diets. I don't even recall losing weight on them... I just know they made me crave things, made me cranky and I eventually went back to my old ways. I've been living my new, healthy lifestyle since around January of this year... and it's great! I couldn't imagine doing anything else.
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
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    When I have friends making life choices I disapprove of, I tell them once - frankly - my opinion. I let them know I won't harp on it anymore, but they must know how I feel clearly. Then I don't mention it again and remain as neutral as possible. If you did this with your sister and she later said, "Oh look how much weight I've lost", you can casually give a, "Good for you" or something equally as postively-neutral.

    That's my humble opinion on the subject.... unless you think she is developing an eating disorder. That's a different subject. But follow a fad-ish diet ... she will fizzle out eventually. Everyone does.
  • heather0mc
    heather0mc Posts: 4,656 Member
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    hey kat :flowerforyou:

    sounds like you are in a pretty tough spot. when i read your post, the first thing that came to mind was the fact that SO MANY of us go thru the 'easy way' or even the not-so-healthy way before we realize it doesnt work like that.

    it seems like maybe she just needs to go thru that for herself, you know? similar to when we know a friend is in a bad relationship and we recognize it because we have been there ourselves - until they are READY to listen, they wont hear what you are saying.

    i know with close family its tough not to pull the 'i told you so' card, but when it happens, she will already know you told her so.

    all i can say is, you are doing what you can already. i think you should continue to speak about your weighloss success and healthy eating, but not in a lecturing tone. then, eventually, she will be ready to see the same results as you and will feel more comfortable approaching you about your help and support.

    i do hope she stays healthy and makes good choices :flowerforyou:
  • likes2bwet
    likes2bwet Posts: 275 Member
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    I can semi relate. My sister in law "cheated" by going to see the "Fat Doctor" you know, the guy that pops you full of a few different kind of pills and says you don't have to exercise but you need to cut down on carbs and sugar. Ok.First of all. If the pills are in a jar on his desk, WHY WOULD YOU TAKE THEM????? I would recognise the name if I saw it, but it s those bad ones. Kind of from the Phen Phen family. She has lost weight, not that she was even real fat to begin with, but she herself is worried now about going off of them. I have lost more then her with my lifestyle change, than she has on her "magic pills". So has my brother. She is aggitated by this. I just try to stay away for the most part and when I do see her, I simply say....I can see a difference...and just walk away. No need for discussion. It's better for both I think then you don't have awkward silence either. In the end, you have to accept that they are who they are and they will have to chalk it up to rough lesson learned....
  • heather0mc
    heather0mc Posts: 4,656 Member
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    When I have friends making life choices I disapprove of, I tell them once - frankly - my opinion. I let them know I won't harp on it anymore, but they must know how I feel clearly. Then I don't mention it again and remain as neutral as possible. If you did this with your sister and she later said, "Oh look how much weight I've lost", you can casually give a, "Good for you" or something equally as postively-neutral.

    i do this too lauryn. :drinker:
  • KatWood
    KatWood Posts: 1,135 Member
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    I'm curious to know the "Hows" of this diet? so I can get a better understanding. Some diet strategies are heart threatening & others gall bladder threatening. :noway:

    I cringe to go into detail because I know it is considered controversial on this site and there are people her who approve of it, but basically she has cut out almost all carbs. Including fruit. I don't think she is really doing anything life threatening and I don't think she has an eating disorder. I just think she is making a poor choice and in the end will not succeed.
  • zebras
    zebras Posts: 600
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    Just like the rest of us, she's going to have to learn the hard way, and the only way she will succeed in the end is a healthy lifestyle change. You are better off saying a little as possible now that you've spoken your mind.
  • KatWood
    KatWood Posts: 1,135 Member
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    Thanks! I have definitely made my opinon known and maybe she does need to make some mistakes of her own. I guess it is just hard because I feel like she should be able to benefit from my mistakes and my experience and my success. I hope at least she learns faster than I did. I'll do my best to refrain from getting into discussions about her diet unless she prompts them by asking for my opinon. I'll also try to avoid complimenting her and will give the simple "Good for you" response. I know she will be a bit hurt by this (she is sensitive) but if that happens I will just explain to her that while I am happy she is trying to lose weight and improve her life that I'm not going to encourage a lifestyle I don't agree. I'll accept it but I don't have to encourage it.

    Thanks everyone for your opinons. :flowerforyou:
  • KatWood
    KatWood Posts: 1,135 Member
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    Oh .. and maybe in her presence I will have to make a point of commenting more on how good I feel and how tasty my carbs are :laugh:

    I must say this almost motivates me to try to get in even better shape. You know kind of an unspoken "I told you so." I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not ...
  • zebras
    zebras Posts: 600
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    If this inspires you to be even better, then it would be a very good thing!
  • Nich0le
    Nich0le Posts: 2,906 Member
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    Everyone has to have their own "journey". Not everyone takes the same path, and many try and fail several times before realizing they MUST do this the healthy way. The best thing you can do is tell her you are glad she is trying to lose weight and be happy for her when she does and IF during her walk on her weight loss path she gains it back because she didn't listen don't be ready to be an I told you so, be there when she is ready to guide her to a healthier way to do this.

    Success will be stronger than your desire to strong arm her into doing it your way. When she realizes you have lost the weight and kept it off she will realize that she may need to make changes that are permanent and maybe then she will be strong enough to listen instead of being stubborn :drinker:
  • slimmingmom
    slimmingmom Posts: 297
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    hey kat :flowerforyou:

    sounds like you are in a pretty tough spot. when i read your post, the first thing that came to mind was the fact that SO MANY of us go thru the 'easy way' or even the not-so-healthy way before we realize it doesnt work like that.

    it seems like maybe she just needs to go thru that for herself, you know? similar to when we know a friend is in a bad relationship and we recognize it because we have been there ourselves - until they are READY to listen, they wont hear what you are saying.

    i know with close family its tough not to pull the 'i told you so' card, but when it happens, she will already know you told her so.

    all i can say is, you are doing what you can already. i think you should continue to speak about your weighloss success and healthy eating, but not in a lecturing tone. then, eventually, she will be ready to see the same results as you and will feel more comfortable approaching you about your help and support.

    i do hope she stays healthy and makes good choices :flowerforyou:

    I fully agree to this!
  • 1Sweets
    1Sweets Posts: 395
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    I'm curious to know the "Hows" of this diet? so I can get a better understanding. Some diet strategies are heart threatening & others gall bladder threatening. :noway:

    I cringe to go into detail because I know it is considered controversial on this site and there are people her who approve of it, but basically she has cut out almost all carbs. Including fruit. I don't think she is really doing anything life threatening and I don't think she has an eating disorder. I just think she is making a poor choice and in the end will not succeed.

    Yes, yes...I understand now. :flowerforyou: I went on such a diet. I got gallstones & after much testing including an ultra sound I almost needed surgery recently. I'm taking meds now to diminish them. The Surgeon told me if I go back to my old ways I will get them back! I was in so much pain with this attack. I suffered with what I thought was Food Poisoning & it was a gall bladder attack. I asked the Dr. if it was from my strict protein diet and he said "Yes, it's very possible". I was loosing a pound a day but when you stop it all comes back. My mother taught me this diet as I grew up watching her diet for a special occasion and then she would gain it back and then some! It was a "short cut". She now is a diabetic II she contributes her illness to this protein diet as well. She has learned & so have I that there are no short cuts. She told me not to be like her and "Just Count Calories". her weight is now really really good. Tell your friend once & maybe tell her of my experience and see what happens. If she doesnt get it at first she will eventually like I did. The hard painful way. It's not good for your kidneys at all. Suppose to drink a lot of water to flush. But it's like anything the minute you say NO to someone that little Devil comes out in them and they want it all the more. :sad:
  • Iceprincessk25
    Iceprincessk25 Posts: 1,888 Member
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    Maybe you should have her talk to leanlioness because she is doing atkins and she LOVES it. She seems to know all the ins and outs of doing it the correct way.

    A lot of people do atkins and they do it wrong so perhaps she just needs to be educated if that is going to be her path to weightloss.
  • twilight1542
    twilight1542 Posts: 403
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    So inspired by the weightloss of others (my mom, me and a friend) my sister has decided to lose weight herself. Which is fantastic! Both my mom and I lost weight the healthy way, eating healthy and exercise. However, even knowing that, my sister has decided to follow the same diet plan her friend did to lose weight. How do I be supportive when I don't approve of the method she is using? She knows how I feel and she knows the reasons why this diet is not a good idea. However, she wants the quick results her friend got and feels that this will help to motivate her. She says she will just use this to get her started until she feels she can stay motivated and then she will go off it and will just eat healthy and exercise. I've told her she will just gain it back but she just shrugs that off. I realize I can't change her mind and have decided to stop trying. I don't think she is really in danger or anything I just am annoyed that she is going this route even when she acknowledges it is the wrong way. She is losing weight and I want to be supportive and encourage her to lose weight but on the other hand I don't want to encourage her to continue this diet.

    Have you ever heard the saying "you can lead a horse to water, but can't make it drink"?

    You can tell your sister your perspective, but a lot people need to learn things the hard way. She'll realize at some point that fad diets are not the solution. So keep your opinion to yourself, be supportive of her, congratulate her on her successes, & be supportive if she finds that the weight comes right back when the diet ends. If that happens you can then try again to talk to her about your experience with eating healthy & exercising. She might be ready to listen then :)
  • April0815
    April0815 Posts: 780 Member
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    You will have to let her see for herself . I have tried the no carb, no fat, and diet pills. At the time I was going to do what I wanted to do. I had to learn for myself the hard way when all of those diets failed. Now I know the only way to lose this weight is through healthy eating and exercise. She will realize it to. It may take her gaining the weight back and more but she will see that you are right.
  • April0815
    April0815 Posts: 780 Member
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    Maybe you should have her talk to leanlioness because she is doing atkins and she LOVES it. She seems to know all the ins and outs of doing it the correct way.

    A lot of people do atkins and they do it wrong so perhaps she just needs to be educated if that is going to be her path to weightloss.

    I agree with IcePrincess there is a wrong and right way to do that type of diet. There are good and bad carbohydrates. Doing it the right way may work for her. She needs to do what works for her just the healthy way.
  • KatWood
    KatWood Posts: 1,135 Member
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    Thanks everyone!

    Have a great weekend :flowerforyou:
  • 1Sweets
    1Sweets Posts: 395
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    Yes I agree with these gals.. I did a no-no quick start of NO carbs at all. No fruit, no salad no nothing. Just meat & cheese. That is what did it to me! It was Atkins incorrectly truth be told. I was in a hurry because I waited to long & wanted to loose that 1 pound a day. And it would have worked if I didn't eat Bacon & all the fatty red meats. It's just is gets so boring eating protein....period. If I had to do over again I would do it correctly but I'm so burnt out on it now & scared since my gall bladder attack. South Beach would be a good choice as well. I'm loving my freedom of Calorie Counting so I'm going to stick with this site. But there again I learned from my mistakes.

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