Help...NEED Parental Help ASAP

At 19, she is legally an adult. You cannot be held responsible for something she does wrong. I understand you don't want to see her get in trouble, but she is of age to make her own choices and without making mistakes, she will never learn.

As a non-parent but a person who has seen her brother in and out of prison for over 20 years; do what you have to do to reign her in. Let her know that you love her but she has to follow certain rules not because you are being hard but because life itself will bring you to your knees if you don't act with a certain amount of discretion and common sense. You do have to give them room to breathe and exert control over their own lives; however; if you can keep her out of trouble do it. I know how much I have suffered having a brother and a sister who act with disregard to moral standards, I know my parents have suffered even more.

:ohwell: HI. everyone will have their opinion, my folks Said MY house My rules . be strong but endering, NO phone sounds good, Nick

I think I'd be talking to her more about 'breaking the law' in general and less about the specifics of going clubbing with a fake ID. She isn't showing much respect for the rules (home, road, etc.) and if she doesn't understand why they are in place, she could end up in a very bad way.

I told/tell my children that we obey the laws because they are in place to keep us safe. If you disagree with a law, don't just break it, go do something about changing it. Vote, start petitions, get active politically, make things happen. But the consequences of breaking laws often means loss of freedom and money and health. Preach, mom. A little bit of what you say might get through. My SD25 and S21 made it to adulthood without getting in any trouble, and I have hopes for D13.

PS: Also a reformed "wild child" myself.

I'm saying this as a young women who grew up with strict parents...before I was an adult. My parents were strict and hard on me ALL the time and I took it out on myself by cutting, going into weird deppresion modes, starting lieing more, grew very far apart from my parents...AND TO THIS DAY, I REMEMBER HAVING NO BAD INTENTIONS, AND BLAME THEM FOR NOT LETTING ME HAVE A CHILD HOOD. Yes, I feel as though I had NO childhood, I feel I missed out on SOOO much. My brothers got to do so much more than me and it pissed me off VERY much. Now that I have gotten married and moved out (right when I turned 18 of course) and have a baby now...I can't even go back and get that childhood especially with all my new responsibilities! I'm not trying to be harsh, it just sticks me in a certain spot...BUT, she is 19!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know your daughter appreciates being able to live with you, but she is an adult and she will only be 19 once. She knows you love her, she knows the dangers of her actions, she knows what morals you have as a mother. The knowledge you gave her while raising her is a big part of who she is, and when it all comes down to it she is going to know what is right or wrong. You can't control her anymore becuase she's going to do what she wants to do...And about the phone issue, I would have hung up RIGHT AWAY. I wouldn't have stayed on the phone long enough to here what the conversation was about. I know it's very, very temping, but it causes problems. For instance, when I was 12 my parents raided my backpack without me knowing and found a note from my friend pretty much making my parents think that I had sex AT TWELVE....since I was 12 I was too shy and embarrassed about it to say that I didn't do it. But, I was grounded the whole summer and after that they must have thought I was some kind of slut. Also, I was on a really good diet when I was 16 and lost quit a bit of weight and my mom finally got to the point where she said OKAY, are you on drugs? Ummm....thanks for the encouragemnt, but no. They didn't see me all day....I ate healthy and would walk before school started and at my lunch break after eating....so what did they do, they got a home drug test to see if I was using any drugs which I had NEVER done so it came up negative...WELL, THE DAY AFTER THAT I FINALLY SMOKED POT WITH MY BUDDIES WHO ALWAYS ASKED IF I WANTED SOME AND ALWAYS TURNED THEM DOWN. Okay, this is becoming more of a vent than anything so all i'm saying is that she is 19...PLEASE let her live like it rather she is under your roof or not. Think back to when you were 19...you may have done some crazy things, or maybe you didn't.......but whatever you did do was a learning experience in one way or another that makes you who you are today.

sorry slimming mom, I could not disagree more.

she does not understand the consequences of her actions at only 19. she is incapable of it, having been a child all her life, never having become an adult. crossing an arbitrary age barrier doesn't turn you into an adult, experiencing self-sufficiency is what matters. whether that happens at 18 or 25, you aren't an adult when you're still living at home with your parents.

she is living under their roof, and it is reasonable to expect her to play by their rules and respect the law. I'm not sure why you'd counsel her mother that this behavior should be ignored/accepted. to what positive end would this lead? it is her parents' job to teach her how to be a responsible adult. breaking the law and being cavalier about it is not a good example for her parents to set (which they would be doing if they just said oh well, she's going to do what she likes anyway)

you seem to be saying- oh well, she'll do whatever and it'll all turn out okay. - you don't know that to be true. DUI is a very real possibility and the risk of injury/death is also very real. add to that the use of a fake ID, and she is putting herself in danger of real, expensive, legal consequences. she is also putting the establishment she visits in jeopardy. if they serve alcohol to a minor child, they run the risk of losing their liquor license, which harms the business and all those employed by that business.

I don't think taking things away from her will help.

The more you yell, the more you accuse, the more you eavesdrop, the more you ground, the more you take things away...well...it'll just push her away. That's the honest truth. She's at the age where she's going to be rebellious and think she can do and get away with anything. She's prob not going see that you're doing all these things to protect her and bc you love her. She'll most likely just get angry and give you attitude or crabbiness.

Yea, she does need discipline (even at the age of 19) and yea, you are the person in charge of the car, the insurance, the phone, etc etc but do you honestly think that will actually help? It might stop her for a short time bc you took the car and the phone away, but like everyone said, she IS 19, she has a bf and friends who I'm sure will help her. She can pretty much do whatever she wants.

Your goal should be to bond with her and to show her you're there for her and care about her...and not to make her angry and be one of those parents that force their children not to do something and then end up with a bigger problem on their hands. I think she already knows what she did and was going to do was wrong. I agree with sitting her down and talking about breaking the law, but I highly doubt she'll really care or think much about it. That's just usually what some kids do.

Do you have mother daughter time? Maybe you and her should go out to eat once a week or go shopping or even to the movies. Show her you love her and tell her you love her. Stop lecturing..instead, just talk..or how about listen? She knows wrong from right, just make sure she knows that you really are there for her and that she can come to you with any situation.

If she doesn't want to here it, then find someone who CAN bond and talk about these issues with her. Does she have any older cousins that might be able to help or do any of your friends have older children? I know teenagers usually listen to everyone else BUT their parents. It's sad, but as long as someone is getting thru to her, that's all that matters.

Good luck!

what I said- before you got all twisted- is that the 19 year old being discussed doesn't understand the consequences of her actions. this has been demonstrated by the actions she has taken. tattooing on her boyfriends's name, crashing her car, staying out all night, disrespecting the parents who provide her lifestyle to her- these aren't adult behaviors.

when you have experienced more of life, you have a greater perspective from which to offer advice to others. I have been the mother of rebellious teenagers, and can give the advice I have learned to others, when they ask for it.

whether it makes you mad or not, the 19 year old in question is most definitely a child. she proves this again and again in the actions her mother describes. and it is time for her parents to teach her to be an adult, with repercussions for her actions. whether she throws a child-like tantrum or not.

relax- I'm sure you believe you are the most responsible and adult 19 year old ever. But I was offering parental advice to the mom who asked for it, not addressing you or your levels of adulthood.

what I said- before you got all twisted- is that the 19 year old being discussed doesn't understand the consequences of her actions. this has been demonstrated by the actions she has taken. tattooing on her boyfriends's name, crashing her car, staying out all night, disrespecting the parents who provide her lifestyle to her- these aren't adult behaviors.

when you have experienced more of life, you have a greater perspective from which to offer advice to others. I have been the mother of rebellious teenagers, and can give the advice I have learned to others, when they ask for it.

whether it makes you mad or not, the 19 year old in question is most definitely a child. she proves this again and again in the actions her mother describes. and it is time for her parents to teach her to be an adult, with repercussions for her actions. whether she throws a child-like tantrum or not.

relax- I'm sure you believe you are the most responsible and adult 19 year old ever. But I was offering parental advice to the mom who asked for it, not addressing you or your levels of adulthood.

I do not appreciate being patronized either.
"I'm sure you believe you are the most responsible and adult 19 year old ever"
I specifically said that I do not hold all the financial responsibilities that according to your definition one must hold to be an adult. I never once said I was the most responsible 19 year old. I understand that I do not know everything about the world but I'm learning in the best way I can. I may not be as wild as the daughter who the original question pertains to but I am still a 19 year old learning life lessons just like any other one.

Now as a 19 year old I know what types of parenting most my age will respond to which gives me the capability to give valid advice on this situation. All or nothing rules will not have a positive outcome unless the ADULT (like it or not no matter what the person's been through or what bills they have to pay at 18 they are legally an adult) in question hits rock bottom and realizes their life has sunk so slow the only possible way to go is up. (or hopefully they have another positive influence in their life that can take them under their wing) Shouldn't a parents goal be to do their best to prevent that from happening? Shouldn't a parents goal be to point their child in the right direction in the first place?

The adult that the original question pertains to isn't that bad. Tattoos, while permanent, are not so bad. Yeah she'll regret it but not that bad. Car accidents happen. All the mother told us is that she rear ended someone. If she wasn't drunk and it was just a normal rear ending then the consequences aren't that severe. If the insurance goes up that gives the mother another opportunity to make her learn responsibility. She can make her daughter pay the increase. Staying out all night...she's in college. I stay out some nights. I may be away at college so my parents can't control when I get home but staying out all night when you're in college is a normal thing. She can easily be taught responsibility without the severe parenting style you're suggesting. That should be a last resort if used at all.

And according to your profile you're only 32. Unless you had a child at 14 please tell me how you've had the years to have been a mother to rebellious teens? You said you HAVE been a mother to rebellious teens leading me to assume that your teens are good now or that they're adults now. This is of course me assuming your profile age is correct which if it isn't then ignore this paragraph.

Wow what an interesting thread.

I'm not a parent but I came from a strict home and moved out at 17. I went through some tough time but I learnt a lot and I think I turned out ok :flowerforyou:

I do think that while she is under your roof and not paying you rent she has to abide by your rules. But having said that their is a a difference between inforcing fair rules and being too strict to the point of suffrocation. Be clear about what the rules are and be prepared to enforce them. And then let her live her life, if she breaks a rule, enforce the consequence,. If she doesn't like it she will have to find a way to move out and support herself.

And I do not believe under any circumstance is it ok to listen in on a personal call. It really does cause more problems. My parents read my diary once and totally misunderstood what I had written. Reading a seceret note or listening in a call doesn't necessarily tell you what your child is actually planning or thinking and the assumptions you make and the invasion of privacy could be more damaging than you realize. I have never gotten over my parents reading my diary. They also listened in on my calls and read personal letters. No wonder I moved out at 17!

My point is this, there is a middle ground. You can be strict and still let her live her life. Hopefully finding that comprimise (and I know it isn't easy) will give you both peace of mind.

Good luck. :flowerforyou:

what I said- before you got all twisted- is that the 19 year old being discussed doesn't understand the consequences of her actions. this has been demonstrated by the actions she has taken. tattooing on her boyfriends's name, crashing her car, staying out all night, disrespecting the parents who provide her lifestyle to her- these aren't adult behaviors.

when you have experienced more of life, you have a greater perspective from which to offer advice to others. I have been the mother of rebellious teenagers, and can give the advice I have learned to others, when they ask for it.

whether it makes you mad or not, the 19 year old in question is most definitely a child. she proves this again and again in the actions her mother describes. and it is time for her parents to teach her to be an adult, with repercussions for her actions. whether she throws a child-like tantrum or not.

relax- I'm sure you believe you are the most responsible and adult 19 year old ever. But I was offering parental advice to the mom who asked for it, not addressing you or your levels of adulthood.

I do not appreciate being patronized either.
"I'm sure you believe you are the most responsible and adult 19 year old ever"
I specifically said that I do not hold all the financial responsibilities that according to your definition one must hold to be an adult. I never once said I was the most responsible 19 year old. I understand that I do not know everything about the world but I'm learning in the best way I can. I may not be as wild as the daughter who the original question pertains to but I am still a 19 year old learning life lessons just like any other one.

Now as a 19 year old I know what types of parenting most my age will respond to which gives me the capability to give valid advice on this situation. All or nothing rules will not have a positive outcome unless the ADULT (like it or not no matter what the person's been through or what bills they have to pay at 18 they are legally an adult) in question hits rock bottom and realizes their life has sunk so slow the only possible way to go is up. (or hopefully they have another positive influence in their life that can take them under their wing) Shouldn't a parents goal be to do their best to prevent that from happening? Shouldn't a parents goal be to point their child in the right direction in the first place?

The adult that the original question pertains to isn't that bad. Tattoos, while permanent, are not so bad. Yeah she'll regret it but not that bad. Car accidents happen. All the mother told us is that she rear ended someone. If she wasn't drunk and it was just a normal rear ending then the consequences aren't that severe. If the insurance goes up that gives the mother another opportunity to make her learn responsibility. She can make her daughter pay the increase. Staying out all night...she's in college. I stay out some nights. I may be away at college so my parents can't control when I get home but staying out all night when you're in college is a normal thing. She can easily be taught responsibility without the severe parenting style you're suggesting. That should be a last resort if used at all.

And according to your profile you're only 32. Unless you had a child at 14 please tell me how you've had the years to have been a mother to rebellious teens? You said you HAVE been a mother to rebellious teens leading me to assume that your teens are good now or that they're adults now. This is of course me assuming your profile age is correct which if it isn't then ignore this paragraph.

when you assume........

I have five stepkids. they were created before I married their father, and before I raised two of them in my home. Thanks for asking about them- I love an opportunity to brag on my kids. The oldest is putting herself through law school. The second has already finished her degree, in nuclear engineering, she earned a full ride scholarship and now works for the federal government decommissioning nuclear submarines. the third is also on a full ride scholarship and is working on his double major in mechanical engineering and math. the youngest is about to enter his senior year of high school, is in all AP classes, carries a 4.5GPA and is on the varsity football team. From my perspective, our approach works.


can you tell me why this mother should keep shouldering the expense that this child incurs while being disrespected? I am not sure why you think reasonable expectations=severe.

once more, what I said is this:
she is legally an adult. her behaviors are causing severe distress to the parents who support her. I suggest they sit her down and let her know that the perks of living at home and being supported come at a price: respect. Since she is legally an adult, nobody is forcing her to stay at home and have her lifestyle provided to her. She can go her merry way, and make every decision that comes her way. But the cost of that level of freedom is supporting oneself. Her mother's expectations are not harsh, severe, strict, any of the adjectives I've seen here. She expects her to stay un-pregnant, respect the law, be safe, keep her environment cleaned up. Instead, while living on her parent's dime, she is tattooing her bf's name on herself, has crashed cars and received tickets so many times she is now in danger of losing her license, breaking the law by drinking and staying out all night, breaking the law by using a fake ID. all while speaking disrespectfully to the parents who pay for this life she is enjoying. why would it be a good idea for her parents to teach her that is appropriate by allowing it to continue? I never said her parents should scream at her or kick her out. I said they should cause her to understand that the price of dependence is respect.

it's a simple equation: you want me to pay for your housing, your food, your car, your cell phone, your insurance, your water, electricity, gas, everything that you enjoy in life. I want you to respect my wishes when it comes to dangerous and illegal behaviors.

why is that so unreasonable?

how about we focus on helping the mother who started this thread to begin with. Everyone has their own opinions and advice, whether they be right or wrong. The mother can choose what advice to take.

well said. I'm sure she will.