PARENTAL HELP!!!

1Sweets · July 2009

Hi everyone....I know this has nothing to do with dieting but....

my Husband is gone this weekend and I just overheard my daughter on the telephone (since we share a home phone) . We have built a little guest house out front for basically for the kids to go to the nearby community JR college until they transfer.

She is 19 (turned last March) We try to give her freedom but she is our Wild Child! I heard her girl friend tell/ask her to go to the clubs tonight with a fake ID. I'm not sure if my daughter has one or is having one made or what but she is a very strong personality, stronger than me (I dont' let her know.) I heard her tell her friend she wasnt sure she could go b/c her boy friend would ask questions yada yada yada. So I thought OMG what should I do? Husband is gone and it's up to me. Well, I just called her on my cell & said "what every your thinking of doing tonight don't do it"...you could go to jail". She was so mad that I was listening in but....something told me to listen & I'm glad I did. She got smart with me so I told her if I hear any disrespect I'll have her phone cell phone disconnected.

I don't know what else I can do? I can only threaten. People say...you should kick out your kids well....I say that makes it worse for everyone. I'm scared right now b/c I dont' want her to drink & drive or drive her girl friend with her that's older. My daughter has the car & her friend doesnt. We are so strict but that doesn't stop her. I wonder if we watch to much over her? She can't get away with anything b/c I'm the detective in the family (since I was little). I have a sense about that stuff & you can't pull the wool over my eyes much. Been there & done (some) that.

Any help from any of you more experienced parents would be so appreciated. I hate this part of being a parent. I'm a Libra & she's an Aries if that matters at all.

I'm Husbandless today & I rely on him since he can handle her better than I. I just make matters worse it seems by pushing the wrong buttons.

Any Help would be wonderful! I feel I can't even leave to enjoy my weekend without Hubby & son b/c I'm here babysitting. Maybe I'll just lock the big house & leave & not think about it?:sad: :sad: :sad:

Poison5119 · July 2009

She's 19? She's going to do what she wants when she's not around you.
That said, my 19 year old son is going to his first concert tonight (Mayhem Tour) and I told him "If your friend drinks and is drunk, YOU drive. If he won't let you drive, call me and I WILL come get YOU - what he does is his business."
If my kid, or his ride, was drunk, I'd go to Florida to pick him up; the fact that he may drink is his decision, the fact that I have it within my power to fetch him so he doesn't wind up in the morgue is mine.

neenaleigh · July 2009

19, yup they'll do what they want...just don't bail her out when she gets arrested for identity fraud...and make sure she knows you wont.

pange · July 2009

I disagree. She'll try to do what she wants, but if you explain why she shouldn't do these things, she'll be less likely to do it. I'm not a parent, but I'm only 23. So, I'm not too far from that age. Tell her that she'll thank you later, because it's true. Explain to her that guys older than her will go after her, and she'll like the attention. But their intentions are probably not honorable, so she needs to stay away. I recommend doing everything you can to keep her from harm. 19-year-old girls are naive. You're doing the right thing by trying to keep her safe.

HealthyKt78 · July 2009

I kind of resent someone saying that 19 year old girls are naive. I just turned 19 and I am wise beyond my years. 19 year olds drink. We're in college. Thats what happens. Now I don't do it in public and I wouldn't consider getting a fake ID so I can drink in a club but stuff like that does happen. If you don't want her to try to sneak around and get away with things like that than try and initiate open and honest communication with her. Trying to keep her locked up will do nothing. If you don't want her drunk driving tell her that anytime she doesn't have a designated driver or feels uncomfortable in a situation that she can call you and you will come get her without question. She's going to drink and you will not be able to stop that but you can easily prevent her from getting in an accident, getting a DUI or anything similar. Let her know that you don't like her drinking but you know that she is an adult and while not of legal drinking age you cant control everything she does.
Now I don't live with my parents but I am her age and I know we're going through similar social issues. I had parents who were open and honest and in touch with reality. They know I've gone to some parties and drank but they also know I'm very responsible about it. I know my limit, I make sure I can stay at the house until I'm okay to drive or I always have someone sober to drive me home. Teach her how to be responsible with alcohol and you won't have a problem with drunk driving or binge drinking.

jennbarrette · July 2009

My girls are much younger, but at 19 IMO you should have tried to have a open honest discussion about the situation instead of how you called her. A lot of 19 year olds drink, but she does need to know that you don't approve and the reasons why (fake id = illegal, bad decisions can be made, people can take advantage of you etc...) but also let her know that if she is in an uncomfortable situation, or needs a way to get home, that she can count on you to help her.

havingitall · July 2009

I'm in Canada and it is legal here for people to drink at 19. My conversation with my 19 year old son was about the legalities and responsibility of driving and the consumption of alcohol. He also knows that if he has been drinking that he should call, no questions asked and I will come and get him. I would prefer to be woken up in the middle of the night by a drunken son than a police officer at the door.

She is 19 and will do what she wants. I was 19 many moons ago and caused my Mom tons of anguish ( I am an Aries too!) If my Mom freaked out and told me I couldn't do something, you could be darn sure I found a way around her restrictions and did what I want. Try open and honest communication about your feelings. Don't use guilt or drama...just be open.

pange · July 2009

I kind of resent someone saying that 19 year old girls are naive. I just turned 19 and I am wise beyond my years. 19 year olds drink. We're in college. Thats what happens. Now I don't do it in public and I wouldn't consider getting a fake ID so I can drink in a club but stuff like that does happen. If you don't want her to try to sneak around and get away with things like that than try and initiate open and honest communication with her. Trying to keep her locked up will do nothing. If you don't want her drunk driving tell her that anytime she doesn't have a designated driver or feels uncomfortable in a situation that she can call you and you will come get her without question. She's going to drink and you will not be able to stop that but you can easily prevent her from getting in an accident, getting a DUI or anything similar. Let her know that you don't like her drinking but you know that she is an adult and while not of legal drinking age you cant control everything she does.
Now I don't live with my parents but I am her age and I know we're going through similar social issues. I had parents who were open and honest and in touch with reality. They know I've gone to some parties and drank but they also know I'm very responsible about it. I know my limit, I make sure I can stay at the house until I'm okay to drive or I always have someone sober to drive me home. Teach her how to be responsible with alcohol and you won't have a problem with drunk driving or binge drinking.

I didn't mean to offend you or any other 19-year-old. There are plenty of more mature 19 year olds like yourself, but most of them act their age. I thought I was really wise at that age, and I didn't listen to some things my parents said. If I had listened, then I wouldn't have some of the regrets that I have now.

shaleah77 · July 2009

I was permitted to drink before I reached legal age here in the US. I agree with 'havingitall'. My parents always told me to never hesitate to call and I took them up on it. I also was more responsible when it came to alcohol at a younger age and babysat my retarded friends when they decided to show off, binge drink, and act like fools!

melssyl · July 2009

I alway impressed upon my daughter the difference between right and wrong. Drinking under-age is wrong (doesn't mean it won't happen), using a fake ID is wrong (doesn't mean it won't happen), drinking and driving is dangerous or deadly (doesn't mean it won't happen).

If you will truely be there for her no matter what you have to let her know that, and do it! No matter what. Be honest with her. But you must explain what the limits are and stick to them (as hard as that may be).

My daughter knew that she could call me any time day or night and I would do whatever I told her I would do. She knew I would not bail her out of jail if she was in the wrong, but if she was in the right I would be there and fight for her. She knew that I didn't want her to drink and drive because I had friends that were killed by a drunk driver and while drinking and driving. She knew not to loan her info out or borrow fake information because of the trouble it would surely bring to her. She knew that if she was drinking and had the only car, she was not to let anyone drive her car, but she could call me and I would go pick them up, no questions asked.

Quick story: I did go get my daughter and two friends at 2am one morning. I got a call from a police officer, (scary, but he started the conversation with, "the girls are ok") he said that he had my daughter and 2 friends pulled over, and after questioning them individually, he wanted to call me, because my daughter told him that I would come and pick her up. He ask me if I would pick up all 3 girls or just my daughter? I did go pick up the girls and take them home, it was a very quiet ride. And when I dropped them off I let them know that I was glad they were safe because that is not always the out-come.

You are in my prayers... this is one of the hardest parts of parenthood...

BrendaLee · July 2009

At 19, you can offer guidance, but she's an adult, and has to be free to make her own choices. It really sounds like you're talking about a much younger child than a 19 year old. I don't agree that at 19 she needs to be out on her own, but there definitely has to be mutual respect there...you can't treat her the same as you did when she was 16. I think she should be paying for her own cell phone, and I don't think you should be listening in on your 19 year old's phone calls.

1Sweets · July 2009

At 19, you can offer guidance, but she's an adult, and has to be free to make her own choices. It really sounds like you're talking about a much younger child than a 19 year old. I don't agree that at 19 she needs to be out on her own, but there definitely has to be mutual respect there...you can't treat her the same as you did when she was 16. I think she should be paying for her own cell phone, and I don't think you should be listening in on your 19 year old's phone calls.

That made me feel sad.

I was going to use my phone & I picked it up when I heard the other voice talking about picking ID's. Well being a mother of all older kids & this D2 in particular is always up to something...my radar listened a little bit longer. Then I hung up & called her on my cell b/c she lives on our property but not in the house itself. So I tried to explain the outcome of this situation IF it were to happen.

Once a mother

always a mother I guess. It's a very difficult line to walk b/c your trying to treat them like adults but they really arent. Everymonth it seems something happens with this child. Then she crashes her car today! I guess they have to learn the school of Hard Knocks on there own. Thanks for your comments.:flowerforyou:

BrendaLee · July 2009

At 19, you can offer guidance, but she's an adult, and has to be free to make her own choices. It really sounds like you're talking about a much younger child than a 19 year old. I don't agree that at 19 she needs to be out on her own, but there definitely has to be mutual respect there...you can't treat her the same as you did when she was 16. I think she should be paying for her own cell phone, and I don't think you should be listening in on your 19 year old's phone calls.

That made me feel sad.

I was going to use my phone & I picked it up when I heard the other voice talking about picking ID's. Well being a mother of all older kids & this D2 in particular is always up to something...my radar listened a little bit longer. Then I hung up & called her on my cell b/c she lives on our property but not in the house itself. So I tried to explain the outcome of this situation IF it were to happen.

Once a mother always a mother I guess. It's a very difficult line to walk b/c your trying to treat them like adults but they really arent. Everymonth it seems something happens with this child. Then she crashes her car today! I guess they have to learn the school of Hard Knocks on there own. Thanks for your comments.:flowerforyou:

Sorry, I think I had a Dr Phil moment there. :flowerforyou:

cellorocker · July 2009

I know this may not help the current situation, but in the future, you could use the form provided here:

http://sadd.org/contract.htm

It's the SADD (Students Against Drunk Driving) Contract for Life.
Any young person who signs it agrees that if they are ever in a risky situation getting a ride home, they could call their parents for a ride home, no matter what time of day, no questions asked.
Any adult who signs it agrees that if their child ever calls for a safe ride home, no matter time of day, the parent will provide one. The adult also agrees that they themselves will never put themselves in a risky situation such as driving home drunk or riding without a seatbelt.

I signed one with my parents last year. One WEEK after I signed it, I was at a cast party for a musical I was in, and some kids from the party decided to smoke some weed. Even worse, the boy who was my ride home was smoking it too.
I called my parents, at 2:30 in the morning, and my dad didn't say anything- except to ask where I was, and to tell me he'd be there in ten minutes.
The next day, we discussed it in a calm manner. I felt better about the whole situation, and so did he.

Poison5119 · July 2009

At 19, you can offer guidance, but she's an adult, and has to be free to make her own choices. It really sounds like you're talking about a much younger child than a 19 year old. I don't agree that at 19 she needs to be out on her own, but there definitely has to be mutual respect there...you can't treat her the same as you did when she was 16. I think she should be paying for her own cell phone, and I don't think you should be listening in on your 19 year old's phone calls.

That made me feel sad.

I was going to use my phone & I picked it up when I heard the other voice talking about picking ID's. Well being a mother of all older kids & this D2 in particular is always up to something...my radar listened a little bit longer. Then I hung up & called her on my cell b/c she lives on our property but not in the house itself. So I tried to explain the outcome of this situation IF it were to happen.

Once a mother always a mother I guess. It's a very difficult line to walk b/c your trying to treat them like adults but they really arent. Everymonth it seems something happens with this child. Then she crashes her car today! I guess they have to learn the school of Hard Knocks on there own. Thanks for your comments.:flowerforyou:

I know exactly how you feel. My 19 yo son saved, scrimped, went without to save $$ for his own buy-here-pay-here car, put a $700 downpayment on a vehicle, misunderstood the salesmans instructions about making the payments, didn't make the payments, and they re-poed it 3 weeks later. :noway:

He also didn't return a JROTC uniform during high school, and instead ditched it in the weeds where a homeless person later absconded with it - then LIED to me about where it was - that one cost ME $300 to the school system or they wouldn't give him his diploma.!!! The reason why he ditched it? He didn't want to return it 'dirty'. :grumble:

My other son, only 15 at the time, ruined a hand sewn (by me) black lace full-length dance robe trimmed with $35/yard beaded and sequined alencon lace, by 'trying it on' because 'it was goth' and his wide back ripped a huge tear down the center of the back.:indifferent:

They're gonna do boneheaded things.

hasiangirl · July 2009

I'm 23 and at 18 I made a very bad decision of going out with my manager who was 32 at the time ... he ended up being the first guy I ever slept with and at the same time he was a horrible person... I didn't graduate my senior year because I was staying at my friends parents house and they said either dump him or u have to leave...and since he was my first i chose to leave...I wish my dad had been around to give me some advice....which sadly I wouldnt have taken anyway because I thought I was mature enough to handle everything...I was mature enough in a sense to support myself and find a place and work hard at my job but as far as relationships and having fun was concerned I didnt know the half of it...and I used to hate when people would say, "Wait till you grow up you'll understand" lol well it's starting to click...I was very mature for my age and had been through a lot at an early age... but there are different situations that a teenager/young adult are naive to and may not realize it....Just tell her that u are concerned for her and are just lookin out for her best intrest

hopefully she'll understand and who knows maybe she acts out to get the attention from u...i know i did that when i was 16 for my dad's attention

1Sweets · July 2009

At 19, you can offer guidance, but she's an adult, and has to be free to make her own choices. It really sounds like you're talking about a much younger child than a 19 year old. I don't agree that at 19 she needs to be out on her own, but there definitely has to be mutual respect there...you can't treat her the same as you did when she was 16. I think she should be paying for her own cell phone, and I don't think you should be listening in on your 19 year old's phone calls.

That made me feel sad.

I was going to use my phone & I picked it up when I heard the other voice talking about picking ID's. Well being a mother of all older kids & this D2 in particular is always up to something...my radar listened a little bit longer. Then I hung up & called her on my cell b/c she lives on our property but not in the house itself. So I tried to explain the outcome of this situation IF it were to happen.

Once a mother always a mother I guess. It's a very difficult line to walk b/c your trying to treat them like adults but they really arent. Everymonth it seems something happens with this child. Then she crashes her car today! I guess they have to learn the school of Hard Knocks on there own. Thanks for your comments.:flowerforyou:

I know exactly how you feel. My 19 yo son saved, scrimped, went without to save $$ for his own buy-here-pay-here car, put a $700 downpayment on a vehicle, misunderstood the salesmans instructions about making the payments, didn't make the payments, and they re-poed it 3 weeks later. :noway:

He also didn't return a JROTC uniform during high school, and instead ditched it in the weeds where a homeless person later absconded with it - then LIED to me about where it was - that one cost ME $300 to the school system or they wouldn't give him his diploma.!!! The reason why he ditched it? He didn't want to return it 'dirty'. :grumble:

My other son, only 15 at the time, ruined a hand sewn (by me) black lace full-length dance robe trimmed with $35/yard beaded and sequined alencon lace, by 'trying it on' because 'it was goth' and his wide back ripped a huge tear down the center of the back.:indifferent:

They're gonna do boneheaded things.

Oh Russia1513,

You made my day! :laugh: I'm sorry but I had to chuckle over your story.. especially the torn dress part. Poor boy. They're like puppies. They have tunnel vision I swear. I did alot of dumb things but I dont' remember as many dumb things. Maybe b/c in our day we wanted to move out young @ 18. Nowadays nobody can afford to move out..

My daughter did not come home last night. I forgot to tell you guys that when she rear ended the other car it did damage to her car & is not driveable. My husband is going to be mad mad. She paid for her own car with her own money she earned with good grades & she had a job then. Not now. She won't look for a job. He & I are exhausted from this child. We try to let her "learn" from her mistakes but boy they just keep coming at us. That's why are radar is always "on". I'm trying to be the casual parent that everyone here thinks I should be but Geeeez. It's way more than normal teenage stuff. The whole town knows her. I hate to even give out my last name for fear someone's going to say oh is ________ your daughter? It really effects the whole family. Even my son said his sister knows everyone & they know her. Last week it was a Tattoo of her boyfriends name. 2 weeks ago a parking ticket. Yesterday a car wreck. How much much cant we take?

Thank you for supporting me now while I'm alone to worry over this. I just hope she's safe today where ever she is.:sad:

LuckyLeprechaun · July 2009

I know I can... I'm with you.

I support you. I do not think you should be the "casual parent" that is sometimes being advocated on this board. that won't help her or you. that will lead to worse problems down the road.

it IS reasonable to expect her to play by your rules since she is living with you. it IS reasonable to expect her not to break the law. it IS reasonable to disconnect the phone if she uses it to break the rules and disrespect you.

she wants to have it both ways- she wants to be a child in so much as she wants you to pay for her phone, give her a place to live, whatever else you are providing, but at the same time she wants to tell you off and do whatever she wants. a reality check is overdue. that is not the way the world works.

you and hubby need to be strong and let her know that she has only two choices:
1. respect your rules and continue to enjoy all the benefits you provide.
OR
2. do what she wants, and provide for herself.

notice there is no middle ground here. there is no third choice where she gets to keep on disrespecting you and you keep doing everything to support her. if she continues to disrespect you and the law, and you continue to provide her with a place to live and a phone and whatever else you give her, then your actions contradict your words. your actions send a message: walk all over us and there will be no harsher consequence than an argument now and then. we will let you do this to us.

I am a parent, and I know how very hard it can be, but you must be strong. you and hubby together must sit her down and let her know this will not continue. at 19, she is legally capable of making decisions for herself, but she cannot force you to go along with it, that's a choice you and hubby are making.

and I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but if she rear-ended someone, it will definitely be ruled to be her fault. I know this because a. it happened to me, b. I used to be an insurance agent. rear-ending is ALWAYS the person in the back's fault. no matter what. because the law says you must follow at a safe distance, and if you hit the person in front of you, clearly you weren't. and in many cases, the cops appear on the scene and write you a ticket for following too closely. maybe losing her license will slow her down a bit....:ohwell:

best wishes to you:flowerforyou:

hmo4 · July 2009

Hi, I am the Mom of 4 teenagers, one is 19, 17,16,13. I've had to do most of the parenting myself. Here's my opinion. I also live in Canada where it is legal to drink at 18. I remember those days also and was in the bar at 16. Kids will drink! So for me, I want my kids to trust me and know they can come to me. So, I haven't denied them the drinking thing, just more talked on the safety issues-especially with the importance of Designated Drivers. They know we never had one back in our day and I know several who still do it and have DUIs. I'm open with the kids and tell them all I know and can only hope that they listen to me and trust me. The more the trust, the more they tell and don't hide things and sneak around. I had to hide everything and lie to my parents back in the day, and turned into a wild child. So as of now, I think my kids are relatively in the right direction-oh we've had plenty of bumps and tears along the way, but with always talking and teaching, you have to just hope they pick some of it up, use their heads, and feel it's ok to come to you when things aren't. Good luck my dear!:flowerforyou: Don't be sad and cry, you've done a great job! Go give her a hug, tell her you love her, you're proud of her, and DISCUSS the situation. She's an adult now! tell her too, that as a parent, you're always learning and sometimes make mistakes also!:drinker:

PARENTAL HELP!!!

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