Love and Giving...input needed

farmers_daughter
farmers_daughter Posts: 1,632 Member
edited November 2024 in Chit-Chat
http://www.100-0principle.com/?cm_mmc=CheetahMail-_FR-_-03.16.12-_-HUZOmovie&utm_source=CheetahMail&utm_campaign=HUZOmovie

Take a peek at that short video, and tell me who believes in the 100/0 Principle, and what success has it brought you?

(Yes, I know that this website is trying to sell stuff, but ...it's the only place that could give a quick explanation of what I meant, like a needle in a haystack)

I've kind of believed in this priciple for a very long time, and now my therapist is telling me you have to look out for you, you have to be selfish.... You have to understand, I do not know the meaning of selfish, and it's a hard concept for me to grasp.

Has anyone ever had a significant other be on the rocks becuase of some petty issues and then use this principle and have the relationship turn into the 100/100?

thoughts.....kinda desperate here. Sorry.

Replies

  • dlyeates
    dlyeates Posts: 875 Member
    From what I read on that website I do agree with the principal.

    But I think that what you are saying and what your therapist is trying to say actually matches up more than you know.

    She is asking you to look out for yourself and take care of yourself and is using the word "selfish" to describe how you should be taking care of you. I use this concept a lot when working with teenagers. But think about it this way. You sound like a giving person and you don't know how to be selfish......but if you are not healthy and recharged then you cannot give to others. You need to take care of yourself to be able to give to others more fully. You are like a battery.....if you don't recharge you are going to crash and then you are no use to anyone. What I think your therapist is trying to get you to believe is that you need to take care of yourself because if you don't you are no good either to yourself or anyone else. Maybe selfish was the wrong word but if you don't take care of you, you will not be effective for anyone else.

    As for the principal of the 100/0 I completely agree with it. You can not rely on anyone else to make you happy and you cannot do anything to make them act differently or treat you in any certain way. So basically you are only in control of 1 person.....and that is yourself. You cannot make other do anything and you cannot change anyone else....only you!!!! And if you are in a healthy relationship with another person (whether a business relationship, friendship or romantic relationship) then if you are both working to meet the other's needs then everyone's needs get met in the end.

    So I personally and professionally believe that this principal and what your therapist is saying actually are very similar. You can only control yourself and you really are the only one who can create happiness in your life. Others will let you down, even unintentionally, and you should not look to others for your fulfillment!!!
  • MadeInDR022
    MadeInDR022 Posts: 260
    I beleive in it. I know its really hard, but in the end it does reap its benefits. Things are still hard...really hard. And sometimes we get pushed down, but you need to push back. Be better, be nicer, be more giving. I learned this by reading some work by Osho. Here's my favorite quote from him: "A fool is one who goes on trusting; a fool is one who goes on trusting against all his experience. You deceive him, and he trusts you; and you deceive him again, and he trusts you; and you deceive him again, and he trusts you. Then you will say that he is a fool, he does not learn. His trust is tremendous; his trust is so pure that nobody can corrupt it. Be a fool in the Taoist sense, in the Zen sense. Don't try to create a wall of knowledge around you. Whatsoever experience comes to you, let it happen, and then go on dropping it. Go on cleaning your mind continuously; go on dying to the past so you remain in the present, herenow, as if just born, just a babe. In the beginning it is going to be very difficult. The world will start taking advantage of you...let them. They are poor fellows. Even if you are cheated and deceived and robbed, let it happen, because that which is really yours cannot be robbed from you, that which is really yours nobody can steal from you. And each time you don't allow situations to corrupt you, that opportunity will become an integration inside. Your soul will become more crystallized." -Osho
  • MadeInDR022
    MadeInDR022 Posts: 260
    Also, be selfish in that you take care of you and do things to make your life better. If you're curious you should look up Osho. Some of his work is a bit too extreme for some people (religion-wise) but its great. I always read it and get happy.
  • i_love_vinegar
    i_love_vinegar Posts: 2,092 Member
    I beleive in it. I know its really hard, but in the end it does reap its benefits. Things are still hard...really hard. And sometimes we get pushed down, but you need to push back. Be better, be nicer, be more giving. I learned this by reading some work by Osho. Here's my favorite quote from him: "A fool is one who goes on trusting; a fool is one who goes on trusting against all his experience. You deceive him, and he trusts you; and you deceive him again, and he trusts you; and you deceive him again, and he trusts you. Then you will say that he is a fool, he does not learn. His trust is tremendous; his trust is so pure that nobody can corrupt it. Be a fool in the Taoist sense, in the Zen sense. Don't try to create a wall of knowledge around you. Whatsoever experience comes to you, let it happen, and then go on dropping it. Go on cleaning your mind continuously; go on dying to the past so you remain in the present, herenow, as if just born, just a babe. In the beginning it is going to be very difficult. The world will start taking advantage of you...let them. They are poor fellows. Even if you are cheated and deceived and robbed, let it happen, because that which is really yours cannot be robbed from you, that which is really yours nobody can steal from you. And each time you don't allow situations to corrupt you, that opportunity will become an integration inside. Your soul will become more crystallized." -Osho

    That's beautiful. Thank you for sharing! Just what I needed to read. :smile:

    PS: Thanks OP for the video as well! I'll give it a try. Definitely applies to me today! I'll see how it goes :)
  • JohnFox27thCentury
    JohnFox27thCentury Posts: 54
    One thing that I can tell you is to guard your heart, I used to walk around with my heart open trying to pour 100% into the relationship only to feel like a giant door-mat (and NOBODY wants to feel that way). So the 100/0 principle to me is for someone who is fully committed to the other person without regard to how that person responds or reacts, period. It truly takes the love of God to be that kind of person, and I have not made it there myself after all these years. Evidently since you posted this, you are probably having a hard time doing the 100/0 principle, so if you want to stay with that person then you may have to alter it to a 100/open principle, meaning that you give it your best all the time and whatever you get in return is your portion in this life. I know that's a hard pill to swallow but your only other option is to put IN "ONLY" what you GET "OUT" of the relationship. I have many more things to say about this, maybe I should just message you the things I have learned to do over the years.
  • i_love_vinegar
    i_love_vinegar Posts: 2,092 Member
    One thing that I can tell you is to guard your heart, I used to walk around with my heart open trying to pour 100% into the relationship only to feel like a giant door-mat (and NOBODY wants to feel that way). So the 100/0 principle to me is for someone who is fully committed to the other person without regard to how that person responds or reacts, period. It truly takes the love of God to be that kind of person, and I have not made it there myself after all these years. Evidently since you posted this, you are probably having a hard time doing the 100/0 principle, so if you want to stay with that person then you may have to alter it to a 100/open principle, meaning that you give it your best all the time and whatever you get in return is your portion in this life. I know that's a hard pill to swallow but your only other option is to put IN "ONLY" what you GET "OUT" of the relationship. I have many more things to say about this, maybe I should just message you the things I have learned to do over the years.

    I am really interested in this as well. If you send a message to the OP, could you please include me in it? I would really like to hear what your other thoughts are, as this topic really interests me.

    Thank you! :flowerforyou:
  • Smuterella
    Smuterella Posts: 1,623 Member
    I think it is a load of bunkum, frankly. In my experience people can often lose respect for someone who gives too much.
  • JohnFox27thCentury
    JohnFox27thCentury Posts: 54
    I am really interested in this as well. If you send a message to the OP, could you please include me in it? I would really like to hear what your other thoughts are, as this topic really interests me.

    Thank you! :flowerforyou:
    [/quote]


    Sure. I'll message you shortly.
  • mjbrenner
    mjbrenner Posts: 222 Member
    I feel that dlyeates explains it very well.

    I do not know much about the 100/0 principle as detailed in the book linked to the video, but I try to live my life by what I believe is a similar fashion. The two things to realize are:

    1. Living 100/0 only works if the other person will eventually invest in return. Putting more that the other person into the relationship is not bad in the long run - most relationships function this way to some extent. That said, the other person must be both willing and able in invest in the relationship as well. If you keep putting in 100% and the other person is never inspired to become a true partner, then it may be time to go 0/0 and find a new relationship. The holds true for love, work, and friendships. It is not greedy to stop giving if the other person never gives back - that person still has lessons to learn that cannot be taught by someone who is supporting them.

    2. You need to remember that you need to be 100/0 with your own life as well. To steal a concept from The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, you need to take time to sharpen your saw. Taking five minutes to sharpen a dull saw can help you to cut more wood by the end of the day. Similarly, taking time to improve your own mental and physical health can help you to help even more people in your life. It is not greed to take care of yourself - it is another form of generosity.

    Good luck in sorting things out. Relationships, even the best of them, can be tricky, difficult beasts.
  • JohnFox27thCentury
    JohnFox27thCentury Posts: 54
    It all goes back to this question: What were your expectations for your significant other when you decided to become a couple?

    If that person no longer meets those expectations, then misery is inevitable. In the long run, someone will have to change or both of you will have to change but theres no mistake about it change will have to take place. How can a person stay with someone and still remain miserable?

    The anser is you can't, one of you will have to change or you won't be together very long. And God forbid if there are kids in the middle of everything, that aspect complicates things dramatically.
  • farmers_daughter
    farmers_daughter Posts: 1,632 Member
    The one thing the therapist tried to drill over and over is that nothing in life is guaranteed....
    so my question is why don't more married couples go around panicking that their spouse is going to leave if that is the concept you need to live by.

    I've also learned that it is hard to not compare what you have to what others have. What others have is only what you see outside of thier house. What goes on inside the house, may be a totally different story.

    I guess, whith the knowledge that my bf was happy with us, before last week, he was encouraging things like moving in, and even throwing out the "m" word. Just really makes me believe that all of the outside sources have lead him astray from us, and leading him to point the "im unhappy" arrow at us.

    It truly feel that this cna be worked through, we both know we are stubborn, and that we still care for eachother, and would be upset if we moved on with another....so why let it go?

    Another friend has also told me that I should be patient and wait, if it's worth waiting for then be patient. Oh my lord, Im not a patient person, so I've basically tried to fill up any free moment I have, my kids help withthat,but sometimes I get short with them too...
    I have over time done a pretty good job of taking care of me, but I guess I've never really figured out what that meant. I shower, I still put my make up on, I still go to work, I don't mope and cry all the time. (I have moments but try to make them quick) I've even schedule a massage.....so what else is there to taking care of me?
  • farmers_daughter
    farmers_daughter Posts: 1,632 Member
    . And God forbid if there are kids in the middle of everything, that aspect complicates things dramatically.

    Ya, they aren't his kids, and I've fretted about that alot. I've tried to deal with the blows as they come along. Not sure what else to say about it. I've tried to limit thier contact all along so I think I've got that on my side.
  • mjbrenner
    mjbrenner Posts: 222 Member
    I have over time done a pretty good job of taking care of me, but I guess I've never really figured out what that meant. I shower, I still put my make up on, I still go to work, I don't mope and cry all the time. (I have moments but try to make them quick) I've even schedule a massage.....so what else is there to taking care of me?

    What do you enjoy doing? I throw parties and play board games. My wife does paper craft. I have friends who friends play video games, participate in sports, or go to clubs/bars. What recharges your emotional batteries?
  • farmers_daughter
    farmers_daughter Posts: 1,632 Member
    I have over time done a pretty good job of taking care of me, but I guess I've never really figured out what that meant. I shower, I still put my make up on, I still go to work, I don't mope and cry all the time. (I have moments but try to make them quick) I've even schedule a massage.....so what else is there to taking care of me?

    What do you enjoy doing? I throw parties and play board games. My wife does paper craft. I have friends who friends play video games, participate in sports, or go to clubs/bars. What recharges your emotional batteries?

    Fishing, driving around with no place to go, campfires in the back yard roasting marshmallows, I enjoy cards, but haven't found too many others that like "Go Fish" :) lol, Music. (Music can also be a bad thing too, depending on mood) painting my nails... I sound simple... and most of those things can be done by myself....is that wrong? (I'm seriously asking becuase it made me think)
  • farmers_daughter
    farmers_daughter Posts: 1,632 Member
    And with the 100/0 Principle, when that person doesn't give back, why does it hurt so much?

    I'm conflicted with the fact that if I can't love this person, then I'm supposed to hate them, because I don't know what else to do.

    Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have.
    Is that wrong too?

    Oh lord guys I'm sorry....I just am looking for answers and solace.

    Maybe I need to just talk to God a little more. I hate to use him as an "It's broken, please fix it" but it seems like I do that alot.
  • mjbrenner
    mjbrenner Posts: 222 Member
    What do you enjoy doing? I throw parties and play board games. My wife does paper craft. I have friends who friends play video games, participate in sports, or go to clubs/bars. What recharges your emotional batteries?

    Fishing, driving around with no place to go, campfires in the back yard roasting marshmallows, I enjoy cards, but haven't found too many others that like "Go Fish" :) lol, Music. (Music can also be a bad thing too, depending on mood) painting my nails... I sound simple... and most of those things can be done by myself....is that wrong? (I'm seriously asking becuase it made me think)

    For what it is worth from a complete stranger in the internet, those sound like wonderful activities. I especially understand music being good or bad, depending upon your mood - I am the same way.

    I feel that it is very important to not lose sight of the things we enjoy doing, and to make sure we do them regularly. It is not odd at all, in my experience, for someone who wants to give of his or herself to others to enjoy alone-time activities. Going for a long drive is not greedy if it soothes your soul and makes it easier to play well with others. Painting your nails is not greedy if it keeps you from using them to rip out someone else's metaphorical throat.

    I am in no place to judge your relationship - no one really is except you and your significant other. I only know that we cannot take care of other people if we do not first take care of ourselves.
  • MadeInDR022
    MadeInDR022 Posts: 260
    And with the 100/0 Principle, when that person doesn't give back, why does it hurt so much?

    I'm conflicted with the fact that if I can't love this person, then I'm supposed to hate them, because I don't know what else to do.

    Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have.
    Is that wrong too?

    Oh lord guys I'm sorry....I just am looking for answers and solace.

    Maybe I need to just talk to God a little more. I hate to use him as an "It's broken, please fix it" but it seems like I do that alot.

    You love him? He loves you, but not in the way you want him to love you? I've had issues with that in the past...curious to see what others have to say about it...
  • farmers_daughter
    farmers_daughter Posts: 1,632 Member
    [/quote]

    You love him? He loves you, but not in the way you want him to love you? I've had issues with that in the past...curious to see what others have to say about it...
    [/quote]

    I knew I couldn't be alone on that one.... :flowerforyou: hug for you too.
  • MadeInDR022
    MadeInDR022 Posts: 260

    You love him? He loves you, but not in the way you want him to love you? I've had issues with that in the past...curious to see what others have to say about it...
    [/quote]

    I knew I couldn't be alone on that one.... :flowerforyou: hug for you too.
    [/quote]

    You're not LOL
    I'm working on it though, especially by reminding myself that we are two diff people.
  • mnwalkingqueen
    mnwalkingqueen Posts: 1,299 Member
    Ladies and Men have all fallen for people that they loved but the other person isn't able to love them the way they deserve to be loved. Doesn't mean they don't love each other at all. I have recently been there and for my own sanity I had to just walk way because I DESERVED more than what it had became.
    I agree with guarding your heart so you don't become a door matt also. I have been down that road before also.
  • farmers_daughter
    farmers_daughter Posts: 1,632 Member
    Totally agree with guarding your heart. I use to be that giant door -mat giving a 100% and getting 50% if lucky. I been a work in progress for a year now it is hard habit to change.

    :flowerforyou: for you, and congrats on your success.
  • WickedGarden
    WickedGarden Posts: 944 Member
    I think it is a load of bunkum, frankly. In my experience people can often lose respect for someone who gives too much.

    +1

    I have always been the giver, nice kind, etc. What has that gotten me? Being stabbed in the back, thrown under the bus, being the scapegoat. Never thought it was *right* to be a bitc# to other people, but when you work with women, you gotta be. there is no "being nice" unless you want to fail.
  • dlyeates
    dlyeates Posts: 875 Member
    I'm confused about the statement you made that You love him and he loves you but not the way you want him to. I'm guessing that this means that you are romantically interested in the person and they don't reciprocate those feelings. Yes it does hurt but that might also be telling you that a relationship with that person is doomed to fail and that will bring much deeper pain in the future. If this is talking about a married relationship then I think everyone's expectations need to be reexamined.

    No relationship will always meet your needs. Your best friend, a spouse, a boss will always fail you and they might not even mean to do it. We are fallen people living in a fallen world which means we are not perfect.....and we hurt those even close to us.

    I do believe that God has a perfect plan for all of us and when we don't align ourselves with that plan and don't fully trust God and think that we know best we will get hurt. We will be upset because we don't get what we want, when we want it. Because we aren't trusting that better is coming.

    In my life, I thought I knew who I wanted to marry in college and he went and married a friend of ours. A few years later I met my husband and, since I'm still friends with the other couple, know that I could never have been married to the other man. It would have been disastrous for us!!! Also, in my job search. I was in a job the last 3 years that I had a 1.5 hour commute EACH way and my boss hated me (because I'm white). But I was waiting for God to show me where I should be. I sent out applications, interviewed, etc. and got exceedingly depressed when I didn't get a job. 3 years in a row. And I knew after 3 years my job was ending. I didn't find out that my grant funded position was being put into a new grant until 1 week before the end of the school year. And 1 week later I got called for an interview for my current job (closer to home, less toxic environment and tenure track) and found out 1 month later I got it. God's will and God's timing, not my own. And I would have saved myself a lot of heartache and depression if I trusted in His perfect will.

    Now I know that's kind of "preachy" but I'm not into religion.....I'm into a healthy, personal relationship with the God of the universe that wants the absolute best for us. And He's the only one who will never let us down based on His promises. Message me if you want to talk!!!
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